Another nightmare day....

Yesterday was one of those days you have nightmares about... It was the first day after Dave's surgery, and we had it all planned out to make it as smooth as possible. My mom came and took my three big kids to the splash park for a few hours in the morning and Gabriel napped for most of the morning as well. It was just Hayden. I thought it was going to be a good day based on how smooth the first half went, and once I got everyone settled at nap time, I attempted to tackle my homework for the week. I wrote one sentence in my notes and a baby started screaming. While trying to get her to go to sleep, I heard Landon and Maxwell in the bedroom jumping around and laughing...not sleeping. I spent a good half hour trying to get everyone to go to sleep, only to accept defeat in the end and just let them all stay up. All the big kids went down stairs to play, and I sat down again to try and do some homework. The baby was so overtired that she just wanted to be held, nothing else would work. So as I pick her up and try to head down stairs, I hear Dave start hollering in the bedroom. I go in and he is buckled over in pain. He was having severe discomfort in his shoulder from being in the same position for over 24 hours. His muscles were tight and sore and he was unable to find relief because he isn't allowed to move his arm. It was so bad I called the nurse to ask for advice...meanwhile, I had Kyleigh in the living room playing with Ella until I could get Dave's pain under control. While waiting for the nurse to call back, D.J, walked in the room and said, "Mom, someone did something REAL bad, they used too much toilet paper and the toilet over flowed." I walk into the bathroom to find the whole floor covered in water. It even managed to soak part of the basement through an opening in the bathroom closet. So I start to clean that up, during which Ella starts screaming again and the nurse finally calls me back. I am holding Ella and trying to talk to the nurse to get information, while Dave is literally rolling in the bed trying to find a position that left him some what relieved. This whole scene played out for a good hour, between trying to help Dave, the baby crying and we called the nurse twice. He FINALLY got comfortable, and was so exhausted from all the pain that he fell asleep. PRAISE THE LORD.

Through all of it, I have to brag on Kyleigh, she was AMAZING all day. She was always going in and checking on her daddy, asking him what he needed, keeping his drink filled and helping him with his arm exercises. She kept asking me how she could help as well, and did in so many ways! She helped with the babies all day, she dried and put away the dishes, and she and D.J. cleaned the entire play room. Whenever things got crazy, she was right there seeking a way to lessen the load. When it got close to bed time, Hayden pooped...and it was a nasty one might I add...and without even having to ask, Kyleigh let me know and then took Hayden into the bedroom to change her diaper. What 6 year old is willing to change a poopy diaper, let alone that bad of one? However, Hayden wouldn't let her and ended up getting it all over her legs and Kyleigh's sheets. So while I cleaned Hayden up, Kyleigh got wipes and started cleaning off the bed. Again, AMAZED. We were coming close to bed time and I was SO ready. I discovered then that Kyleigh's tooth brush had been on the floor when the bathroom flooded, so I went to boil it. I stuck a coffee mug full of water in the microwave to boil it. This is when the "icing on the cake" moment happened....

Apparently, when I stepped out of the room, the microwave went off and Kyleigh, trying to help, took the cup out. She must have put it close to the edge of the counter because next thing I know, I hear Hayden screaming bloody murder...and I mean it, BLOODY murder, from the kitchen. I run in the room and all I see is her back and she is bent over in pain screaming. I was sure she managed to get a knife or something and stabbed herself from the way she was screaming. But then I noticed the floor, where the coffee mug laid in a pool of water, and my brain put the pieces together. I ran to her and start to strip her clothes off and wipe her down, she was screaming the whole time. Her whole body was red and hot. I suddenly noticed one small burn on her belly, then looked up to see a really bad on on her shoulder with blisters. There were red streaks all down her chest, and her mouth was red as well, (I think she attempted to take a sip, realized it was hot and dropped it). Kyleigh ran to her room crying hysterically because she felt so bad for taking the cup out... I felt horrible for her, and obviously stressed that it wasn't her fault! Hayden and I spent the next hour cuddling in the bed with a cold wet cloth on her wounds. (It looked so much worse in person... it was hard not to get sick! :( )

I sought advice as to whether or not we should take her in or treat it ourselves, and was told to put Vaseline on it, of which I did. She went to sleep a little while after that and we laid down to watch T.V. Then I checked my Facebook about an hour later to find that others were going against the Vaseline idea. I looked it up and every site said NOT to use it, that it trapped the heat. I immediately went in and woke her up to unwrap the burn and clean off the Vaseline, of which I discovered two more blisters had formed as a result. It was then almost 11:00 and everyone I asked suggested we take her in, including the Anthem nurse. But Hayden was fast asleep and I felt horrible about making her spend the night at the E.R.... so with much reserve, I chose to wait until today. It turned out to be a good decision, thank the Lord. However, I spent the night setting my alarm to wake me up every two hours to check on her and make sure it wasn't getting worse.... I did not sleep well to say the least. (Here are my two wounded babies :) )

Today is going much smoother, thank goodness! My mom took my big kids to her house, I took Hayden to the doctor, and Dave is feeling MUCH better. I deem yesterday one of my top days from Hell. I haven't had one in a while, so I guess I was due, but the mental image of my little girl screaming from burns will forever haunt me. On the upside, I feel no guilt in making today a Starbucks day and will attempt to tackle the three homework assignments I have due this week despite the chaos that is my house right now! Thank goodness I have a God that loves me like He does, because without Him, I would have laid out in my drive way and let the van roll right over me....juuuust kidding... maybe... ;) Adios for now, praying I don't have another story to tell for a while! (here's my big girl, all bandaged up and feeling much better!)

Thankful

There has been such an overflow of bad news lately... not in my own life, but in the lives of others around me. One story was of a 13 year old girl (many of you have heard this one the news) who lost her battle with cancer, and her parents lost their baby girl. Another woman who so desperately wanted to be a mother, finally got pregnant only to deliver prematurely and go into a coma before even meeting her precious baby boy. Another was of a friend who just learned she has a condition that will leave her deaf with time, and I know another who will lose his sight. I have a couple friends who are desperately trying to have children and have been patiently waiting years for God to bless them with the ability to do so. I attended a sexual abuse training on Tuesday that was incredibly eye opening to the hurt and suffering so many youth are enduring behind closed doors because of the lack of protection their parents are failing to provide. Children are being kidnapped and sold into sex trade every day, cancer is rearing its ugly head all over the world, starvation and poverty consume millions of people every year... it is beyond heart breaking. All of it makes my "first world" struggles so insignificant in comparison. We were discussing how we are going to afford a car payment and how to lower the mortgage, while so many are losing loved ones, dying for lack of food and medical care, and struggling with life altering diseases and ailments.

I was sitting here reading my book and Hayden walks into the room wearing one of my T-shirts, a pair of sunglasses, and my high heels. (The high heels were removed before this picture ;) ) I was overwhelmed with gratitude to my God that I have a healthy, beautiful baby girl, one that I can SEE every day and watch grow, play, and dress up in her wild outfits.


 That I have four beautiful healthy children whose laughter, screaming, and sweet (and many times annoying :) ) voices fill my perfectly healthy ears every day. That I have arms to hug, hold and carry them, legs to walk and run with them, health to care for them and their Daddy. I was blessed to carry each of them for 9 months, none premature, no problems or concerns. I was blessed to give birth to each of them, to hear them cry for the first time, to hold them and smell that sweet newborn scent. We have always been provided for, never having to watch our children suffer from being too cold, too hot, or too hungry. Though they drive me absolutely CRAZY most days and I tend to want to run in the opposite direction, I am blessed to be their mother, to be home with them, to care for them and watch them grow into the beautiful people God is creating them to be. This may not always be the case... in fact I am sure we will face many difficulties, tragedies, and heartaches over the years... but for now, may I never take for granted the MANY ways God has blessed our family. The greatest of which is that we were not born in a place where Christ's name is unknown, but in a country where we are not only free to believe what we want, but that is filled in abundance with books, churches, and people who saturate us in His truth and love. We were born into families that taught us His truth, and by the grace and mercy of our amazing Lord, our hearts were opened to His gift of salvation and we are eternally secure in His arms. If we were given nothing more than that, it would be more than enough. But God has chosen to bless us in more ways than we could count, and I pray we may never forget to give Him the glory and praise He deserves for allowing us to experience these incredible gifts. Even as my daughter just spilled grapes all over the floor by my feet and is rubbing sunscreen all over Gabriel's head, while my son is screaming at me from across the kitchen to get him more waffles... deep within my frustrations is a full heart of gratitude and thankfulness that I am able to enjoy these moments with my sweet family.

It's all about me.

I am part of a bible study with two of my good friends (and a recently added new friend J), and we are currently reading a book called “gods at war” by Kyle Idleman. I have been intrigued by the truths he is pointing out when it comes to identifying idols in our lives. Many of us hear the word “idol” or “gods” and think of statues and wooden figurines you hear about in Buddhist and Hindu cultures, but being one of the 10 commandments God laid out for us, we need to consider the fact that they are much more than that. Kyle explains that, “Anything at all can become an idol once it becomes a substitute for God in our lives. To describe the concept more clearly, anything that becomes the purpose or driving force in your life probably points back to idolatry of some kind. “

As I thought about this definition, and meditated on several of the examples he had given, I didn’t feel any of them really fit me. Now, I know all of us have idols in our lives so I just needed to dig deeper to figure out what the heck I personally struggled with. Then he nailed it, and boy did it sting. He asked the question, “What infuriates you?”, and proceeded to give a detailed example of how we may react sitting in traffic. Anyone that drives with me will quickly learn I suffer from a severe case of road rage. Ride with me and you will soon discover that I firmly believe the rest of the world stinks at driving. Kyle asks the question, “Why does this stranger have so much power of your emotions? What about when someone embarrasses you or doesn’t treat you with respect? What’s the real issue here? Maybe your quick temper reveals the oldest idol of them all – The god of me.” I literally jumped back when I read that. The god of ME? I can’t possibly struggle with that, that can’t be the problem…can it?

When I started to really think about why I get so upset with people, with situations, with my kids… I slowly began to realize that I am far more self-centered than I thought.  When my kids don’t say thank you for something I have gone out of my way to do for them, why does that bother me so much? Well, because I want the recognition and appreciation for doing something for them. Why does it bother me so much when people are in my way on the road? Because they are causing ME to be late or in some way inconveniencing  ME. Why do the thoughts and opinions of others about me matter so much? Because I want them to like ME, I want them to think highly of ME. When I do something for someone, it actually bothers me when they don’t show any appreciation for it…because deep down I want that acknowledgment, I want that praise and affirmation. Here I thought all along that I truly loved people, that I loved God, but deep down I am battling with loving myself more. If this weren’t true, none of these things would bother me because I would be doing them purely out of a heart of love. How ugly my heart really is in light of this discovery. Who wants to hear that about themselves? I would much rather deal with the god of food, or the god of entertainment…but the god of me? That’s probably the foulest one of all.

As I have been pondering this awareness, I am overwhelmed and yet completely humbled. Sometimes we see the lives of others and think we aren’t so bad. Sure, we recognize that we are sinners, but our lives are over all “pretty good”. We can’t resonate with those who have been to the absolute pits in life, who have seen and done things unimaginable. I have said before that  it is almost harder in a sense for those who have not been in such broken and dark places because we fail to see just how sinful we truly are before a holy God. The fact that deep down I am in pursuit of what makes ME happy reveals that I am committing a very grave sin in the eyes of my Father. Christ summed up the commandments with two statements, to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.” And “to love your neighbor as yourself.” But guess what, the fact that in my heart I am pursuing my own happiness and glory breaks both of those commands…and that is a hard truth to swallow.  I know God will tear this idol down, and I can’t wait for Him to do it so that He can continue to empty my life of ME and fill it more with HIM. One statement Kyle made in his book will be my focus today, and every day, until God destroys this god in my life. He says: “The foundation of reality is that there is one God, and you are not Him. Once that’s established, a choice must be made, and here it is: I know that there is the Lord God, the master of all creation. I also know there’s the god of me, the pretender to the throne. Whom will I serve?”  He further states that the god me is the most relentless idol of them all… but my God is bigger and I know He will be found victorious in this battle. He already is. J

Our Story

Last night Dave met up with an old buddy from high school.  Sadly, his friend is going through an extremely difficult time in his life right now. We were getting ready to go to bed and Dave was sharing a bit of their conversation with me. At one point he said that his friend expressed, “Dave, I have no idea what love is. I want what you and Corinna have.” Referring in part to the way we ended up getting married, Dave asked, “Well, what is it you saw when that happened?” His friend replied with,“ I saw two people really in love who just happened to get pregnant, and then got married.”  It sounds nice, but it is very far from the truth of what actually took place 7 years ago. This is also not the first time I have heard of someone viewing our situation in a romanticized light. Dave took a few minutes to explain to his friend that that is not quite what happened, and shared some of our story with him, to much of his surprise. In the end however, it was an encouragement to him and he could resonate with the battle Dave had experienced during that time. I immediately thought of the verse, “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28) We chose sin, but despite our decisions to disobey God, in the end He still had a purpose for our story. I believe it can be used to encourage others who may have or who currently are experiencing similar situations. Struck last night with the reality that many are completely unaware of our situation, I felt it was time to share some of the unknown details of the time God so graciously brought us through.

We had a very, and I mean VERY, rocky dating relationship. Without getting too long winded, we were both uprooted from the places we had grown up in and transferred to a brand new town and a brand new school, he in his junior year of high school, me in my senior year. Neither of us was too happy about the move, both of us desperately wanted to go back home and be with the friends we had left. By God’s grace, Dave and I met in September of our first year at LCA, and it was an immediate connection. He “asked me out” a month later, on October 4^{th 2003}, and the first month was perfect. We were so “in love” we were already joking about our future marriage and kids together. However, two key factors made our relationship extremely rocky: the first was the girl he left behind in Pennsylvania, and the second was our raging teenage hormones. I think I was dumped for his ex-girlfriend about 50 different times. He had had very little communication with this girl since he’d moved, but he just could not shake his feelings for her, feelings which he later admitted were fanaticized and pure infatuation. However, at the time, he truly thought he loved her. That is a whole story in itself, but we will simply leave it at the fact that I battled for his love with a girl that was several hundred miles away and completely out of the picture. It was infuriating to say the least. We would break up every couple of weeks either over that, or over the fact that we were completely powerless when it came to our physical relationship. I however, was so in love with this boy that I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, and I knew marriage would solve our problem one day. He however, was not so sure of his feelings for me. He spent two and a half years telling me one week he was in love with me and couldn’t live without me, and the next week he would say he only cared for me as a friend and didn’t see us ending up together. To say both our hearts were a wreck for that time in our lives is a dramatic understatement. We tried moving on time and time again, dating other people, avoiding phone calls, etc. But we just couldn’t stay away from each other, something kept pulling us back together.

The night of June 7^th, 2006, we took our physical relationship to the next level and made the stupid decision to finally sleep together. This was our first time actually having sex…how we waited that long could only be explained by pure fear of getting pregnant, (which proved to be a valid fear after all).

The next day we met up and had a huge fight. Now, you have to understand that when Dave was upset or scared, he used to get pretty mean.  I heard things that day like, “I wish I had never met you.” “I wish you had never moved here.” “I never loved you.” Etc. etc. etc… He told me he never wanted to see me again, and even went as far as to say he was going to move to Peru just to get away from me. (In his defense, he was just heartbroken that he had disobeyed the Lord and he was scared of the consequences). I got out of that car, went home, packed up my stuff and attempted to leave. Where, I had no idea, so I headed to PA where my best friend was. I made it about half way and realized there was no way I could deal with all that was going on without my mom. She was, and is still, my best friend. So I turned around, and waited out what had to be the longest two weeks of my life, wondering if I was pregnant because of our stupidity. The day I took the tests just so happened to be Father’s Day, how funny is that? J Dave was working at Golden Corral at the time as an assistant manager. I woke up at about 6 in the morning and took the tests. Immediate positive results. I was in complete shock. First and only time having sex, and I get pregnant. Are you kidding me? I know people who have been having sex for years and never got pregnant, what the heck happened here?!We would later discover it was God that happened.

I called Dave at work and told him the news, and to my surprise, he was actually kind of excited. I know…he went from telling me he wanted nothing to do with me to being ok with the fact that he was now going to be a father. (We used to accuse Dave of being bipolar… he may be, only God knows LOL.) We then had to tell the families…not easy and not the best memory in my life. Then came the decision of what to do next. He said we needed to get married, but he was also still convinced he didn’t love me, just what every girl dreams of, right? A man to marry her out of duty, not love, while still convinced he loved a girl 300 miles away. So what did I do? Well I married him. This can also only be explained by the power of God, because I am probably the most spiteful individual I know and in any other situation I would have stuck it to him…heck, I am surprised I even told him about the pregnancy to be honest, I was that spiteful back then. (still working on that even to this day :P) So a month later, on July 6, 2006, we got married at the Justice of Peace.

I woke up on my wedding day, and wouldn’t ya know , I experienced my first bout of morning sickness. IT. WAS. AWFUL.  I felt sick the whole time I was getting ready, the whole “ceremony”, and yes, even our first night together. Not what every girl dreams of at all.

The first year of our marriage was both smoother than we expected, but also very tough in many ways. He was working 7 to 9 days straight with no break, many nights until 12 or 1 in the morning. I was waiting tables, through morning sickness and my swelling stomach, and we were slowly trying to figure  out this marriage thing. Thankfully, we had spent almost 3 years fighting so the butting heads thing and “rubbing” had already taken place.  What we now needed to learn was HOW to fight. This took several years to master. When he used to walk away, I would pull his shirt and yell at him to come back and work it out. Not the best solution for his personality. He needed time to cool off, think things over, and regroup. He would become very cynical and cruel when he was angry and say things he didn’t really mean, also not good for MY personality. When he got mean, I got spiteful. We fought ugly to say the least. I didn’t like to be confronted and I especially didn’t like to be told what to do. My slogan at the time should have been the whole, “I am woman, hear me roar!” We went through some scary times, with many broken doors with holes punched through them, broken household items, and a whole heck of a lot of yelling. I have since learned the beauty of submission…still mastering it, but God has brought me a LONG way. He has since learned how to control his anger in the moment, and I have learned to let him walk away before confronting the issue. I have also learned to keep my mouth shut and lay my spitefulness at the cross…. It is an ugly habit and a tough one to break, but it makes a world of difference in your relationship! He has spent the last 7 years trying to make up for the 3 hellish years we dated. He can say without a shadow of a doubt he loves me unconditionally now, more than ever. He can say without any hesitation that he did in fact love me then, he just didn’t know what love was. We regret our decisions to this day, though through them God brought us our beautiful baby girl and we were forced to get married, which ended up being the best thing that could have happened to us. I never got my wedding day. I never had my mom help me get ready, my dad walk me down the aisle or dance with me to Butterfly Kisses like I had always planned. I never got to walk towards the glowing man of my dreams as we made the decision to spend the rest of our lives together. I missed out on all the fun of planning my dream wedding, on having all our family and friends come together to celebrate our future together. (Our families were less than thrilled on our wedding day to say the least. ) The worst part of it was I married the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but at the time, he swore he was not in love with me. No woman wants to go into her marriage that way. It’s a heartbreaking thing to look back on, even though we have since come a very long way. We have had people ask us so many times questions like, “where’d you get married?” “Where was your honeymoon?” “How did Dave propose?” Always so awkward to answer, let me tell you! ;) I have had to deal with those puzzled looks when we get questions like, “What were the happiest days of your life?” and so many answer “My wedding day!” as one of their top 3 picks. Never once has that been an answer, or even in the top 5, and most are often caught off guard by this. (But now you know why! :) ) The best is when I get the random questions about how we ended up getting married, and some are pretty bold with it. I remember sitting in Macado’s one day, about a month or two after we got married and I had a student from LCA lean over from her table and say, “So when are you due?”  When you live in a small town, and go to a Christian school, there are no secrets, I quickly learned this. I recently had a woman I barely know say amidst a conversation about honeymoons, “so where was your honeymoon?” I replied that we didn’t have one, and she said, “OH that’s right, you were expecting someone weren’t you!” Can we say, AWKWARD!( I also have gotten a lot of criticism and hurtful comments based on my past decisions, even as far as people questioning the authenticity of my faith. Both ends of the spectrum have been tough to deal with over the years.)

Most of you know the details that have made our journey even tougher…the financial difficulties we have always faced because we didn’t finish our degrees before becoming parents, trying to finish those degrees WHILE being parents, the job transitions, etc.etc…Despite all this, I am very thankful in many ways that things happened as they did. They forced me to be humble. It reminded me that we are broken and rebellious, but that God loves us anyways. He, in His incredible mercy, allowed good to come out of our disobedience, though we deserved none of it. Only a loving Father would allow that. The relationship Dave and I have now is, and continues to grow to be, such an amazing bond built on love, sacrifice and selflessness. We are learning more every day what it means to “submit to one another in love”. (Ephesians 5:21) IT took a long time for me to let go of the hurt I had experienced early on and to truly forgive him. Many times I cruelly used the past against him in the present, when he had already sought my forgiveness. I can say without a doubt now that I have forgiven him, and he has forgiven me, and we are above all forgive by our Creator. We experienced a lot of unnecessary hurt, anger, and pain because of our choice to live outside of God’s will, and though He brought us through it, it was not what some believe to have been an easy journey. And it will continue to be difficult.


I do have to say, that though I did not get my proposal in the beginning, it did come eventually. Last year, my sweet husband planned a weekend get-away for us.  On the first night, upon returning to our hotel, he had me wait in the car while he went up to “prepare something”.  When he called me up, I walked in to a room full of candles and rose petals. He got on his knees, read me the most incredible letter I will ever read, and pulled out a diamond engagement ring that he had privately saved up for for over a year. (money which I recently found out his friends had told him to spend on a gun instead… thanks guys! Lol) He then asked me to be his wife. Of course I had no choice, I already was and we had four kids together… juuuust kidding. :) It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life, and am so blessed to be his wife. So this is the true story of how we came to be married. Not the smooth, Hollywood transition so many thought. It came with many tears, lots of pain, and whole heck of a lot of Divine healing. But we are here, we are blessed, and we are more in love than ever. God. Is. Good. 

Step one - Preparing

Well the first night of training went really well. She, (the lady in charge), gave countless examples of different situations her foster parents have been faced with, which for the most part put me even more at ease with everything. The next obstacle we are facing is the immediate financial strain preparing for this will put on us. We need a bigger van, and when I say bigger, I mean like a 8 to 10 passenger. Can you imagine me driving around in one of those? I can barely park my van now LOL...it should be interesting. But with the daycare kiddos, my kiddos, AND foster children.... a bigger van is necessary. Apart from that, there are things that need to be done around the house in preparation, first thing being a new set of beds for our boys. Ah money, it is such a pain in my rear. :P It's all pretty exciting though! The kids are just as excited, if not more. They are thrilled to be able to help other kids. It's beautiful to see their hearts so willing to serve and open up our home to more kids, that's not always the case. :) I guess it helps that they have grown up in a home where there are ALWAYS extra kids! I really believe God allowed for me to grow in patience and endurance over the past 6 years with babysitting and motherhood, preparing me for the day we were able to do this. (among other reasons!) We were the only couple there that already had kids... 4 at that. They must think we are nuts LOL It was neat hearing the stories she had though, there were several other foster parents that had at least 4 children of their own before they started fostering, there was even one couple with 7 kids of their own! (they are also driving around in a HUGE van!)

The first story she shared with us was one of a little 11 month old baby girl, who through the poor lifestyle choices of her mother, suffered from an amputated leg, blindness, and from the looks of it, possibly MR. They are currently looking for a home for her, and let me tell you, I wished so badly we were done training so we could take her! They said when she was born that she wouldn't live, but that little fighter is proving them wrong. I know with the love of a family and the healing hands of God, she can thrive and grow just like anyone else. I am praying they find her a great home! 

Anyways, not a whole lot to say except that we are PATIENTLY waiting for God to bring everything into fruition, in His perfect timing. I know He will provide us with just what we need when we need it. Until then, they gave us a huge book to study, you know, in our spare time. ;) Maybe I will learn some good parenting tactics through it all even for my own kids! But for today, I have 5 crazy kids in my house right now and its time to go figure out what we are gonna do with our day! Hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!! :) 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phil. 4:6-7

Our Newest Journey Begins...

         So tonight is the first night of training in our quest to become foster parents. Trying to let that sink it, this is actually happening! Finally, after dreaming of it for 12 years, its now a reality. I found myself starting to become very anxious and overwhelmed with it all this morning. Looking around, seeing where Hayden had dumped a bag of toys all over the laundry room, papers and markers scattered all over my kitchen table, the sink and counters piled high with dirty dishes, a trail of crayons and markers down the hall way from the little ones emptying a crate of them... yesterday was spent in a constant state of stress and irritability because my house had four days worth of filth/mess/clothes that needed to be taken care of, my kids were literally up my butt all morning, and I had a two hour exam I needed to take that I hadn't studied for. On top of it all, Dave ended up tearing his chest muscle on Friday night, and we discovered yesterday morning that it was worse than we had hoped and he would be down for a while. Between the emotional and physical defeat he is feeling through it all, we are also faced with a large financial strain as a result of all the doctor bills. I stood in my kitchen, washing my endless dishes, thinking, "God, what is going on? This is what you placed on my heart to do right? This is the next step in our lives, to open our home to children who need our love, who need YOUR love, to give them some shelter in the midst of their broken little lives. Why on earth is everything spiraling out of control right when its all starting to come to fruition?"

                  I often think of Katie now, from the book I had recently read (Kisses From Katie), and the fact that she is a 22 year old girl and the mother of 14 orphaned children. She has no luxuries like a dishwasher, a  washer and dryer, or even a store that is 2 minutes away. Her number of children is more than triple mine, and her work load is far beyond my comprehension. Yet she does it with such joy and grace, she trusts in God's ability to do it all, because even though WE can't, He can. I find her life, her story, so encouraging and inspiring in the midst of all the craziness I experience on a daily basis. When she came to a point where she said "God, NO MORE, I can't handle anymore. Not now." God responded with, "yes you can, and here is another child that I want you to love. Here is another person I want you to reach out to." And she did it, and He was sufficient in His grace as promised. I rest in this truth... because I know  in my own strength, in my own power, I am completely helpless and unable to do anymore, to take on anymore, to reach out anymore. But God has been tugging on my heart for years now to open my arms to "the least of these." To set aside my needs, my wants, and my time...no matter how hard, so we can let Him work through us and comfort the aching hearts of those He places in our lives. There will never be a more perfect time than now. Things will never perfectly fall into place, or slow down to just the right pace... life here isn't meant to be easy or perfect, it is not our home. And while we are here, we are given one great command, to LOVE. To let our lives reflect our Savior.

          Today I will fail miserably as a mother... I will yell at my kids, I will lost my patience, I will get frustrated and overwhelmed, and at times feel completely defeated. But praise God, He is so much bigger than me, and He uses imperfect people such as myself to reach a dying world. When I feel like the worst mother alive, I know that though I am far from perfect, my kids always know I love them, always know I am here for them no matter what, and they know that they are safe because God has given us this amazing gift called family, and I cannot wait to let others be a part of our crazy, imperfect, obnoxious family.