So Dave filled out his application to graduate last week.. I can't even express how surreal that is. We both started college when we were 18, and we are both STILL IN COLLEGE. Just so everyone has a clear idea of how long it has been... he is 27, I am 28.... 10 years ya'll, 10 years of trying to get a dang bachelors degree! 3 jobs, 5 moves, and 5 babies later, it's finally happening...well at least for one of us. ;) I am over flowing with pride for my husband. Most have no idea the journey it has been for him to get here. The patience, the endurance, the strength and perseverance he has shown to finish this long and grueling process.
We had a rough start to begin with. We were pregnant with our first child and only 19 and 20 years old. He was a manager at Golden corral working 55-60 hour weeks and very late nights. The first year of our marriage we spent most nights up until 2 or 3 in the morning playing Texas Hold-em (or watching it played on T.V.), because it took a while for him to wind down. After Kyleigh was born, we both knew the hours and life of a restaurant manager just wouldn't work with our family. So, my amazing man of faith, left a job with the promise of a $50-60,000 income in the next few years if he had stayed, and started a job at 84 lumber. He absolutely hated this job. A month later, I remember him coming home and telling me he couldn't stay there anymore and he was going to quit. He had nothing lined up, just the hopes of landing a job at Liberty, so I of course tried to "persuade" him,( yeah, I was yelling), to stay until he had another job in place. In the end, he quit the job that day and spent the next week working out the details to get into Liberty. I wanted to beat him. However, his faith was far greater than mine at the time, and I'm thankful it was! God had him show up at just the right time, speak to just the right guys, and by the end of the week he had a job in the Access Control Department. I still look back in amazement at the whole situation... it is not easy to get a job there unless you know someone, and it's even harder without a degree. God was leading.
With this job came free schooling for the both of us, a HUGE blessing. However, his starting pay was $9 an hour... I was babysitting for supplemental income and we were expecting our second child. Talk about being a little tight. ;) But God has continued to provide over and over again. He worked in a very stressful position for the next several years, and acquired the max amount of allowed overtime every week which ended up being 50-54 hour weeks. We had our next 3 babies while he was at that job, and he continued to push through his schooling the whole time, with very few breaks in between. There were several lengthy periods of time when he would even load up his lap top and do his homework while sitting at the plasma center twice a week just to cover the bills. When many men would have asked their wives to go to work and possibly double the income, he made it possible for me to be home with our kids, no matter the cost. He has done without so much, spending most of his earnings to simply take care of his family. While most of his 20 something buddies were talking about weekend trips, golfing, lifting, watching sports, hunting, etc... he was busting his tail to provide for his family and finish school. But he didn't complain. He would definitely dream of the days he'd be able to join them, but he was determined to finish. In the midst of it all, he still had to be a dad and husband. But he has fulfilled those roles with ease and grace. He is an amazing father and husband, and has never made any of us feel slighted no matter how exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed he may have felt at times.
So here we are. The final stretch and of course he is going out with a bang by doubling up his online classes for the final semester of school. It is going to be a long and tiresome finish, but I know he can and will do it. I am unbelievably proud of him. I have always admired him, but the pride I feel for him after being by his side the past 8 years is indescribable. I married an amazing man, a man of integrity, grit, and diligence. Above all, he is a man of God, and I have watched his faith grow and mature year after year as he fought his way to this point. I am thankful for his sacrifices, thankful for his love and perseverance, and just simply thankful for him. I am also thankful this phase is almost over, for everyone's sake! lol He has mentioned a masters on several occasions, and I am sure he will pursue it, but for now, we will enjoy this incredible accomplishment! He has earned it. ;) I am so proud of you honey, and I grow to love you more with every day God blesses us with!! Here's to another 10 years of schooling, haha!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
From One Weary Mom to Another
I wish so often that I had a recorder in my brain… so many
thoughts float through, some quickly, others I go over methodically, all the
while wishing I was able to pen what I was thinking. This is mainly because by
the time I have a moment to put it on paper, all those beautiful metaphors, all
the passion, all the analysis has then passed and I am left with yet another
blank word document. Today however, today I feel inspired even after my lengthy
mental debate with myself. I know I’m not alone on that one, how many of you
actually debate yourself in your head throughout the day? Logically explaining
both sides of the same story, it’s pretty ridiculous when all is said and done.
But when you have a house/car/life full of kids, what other options do you
have? I mean, you literally become crazy! ;)
I always knew I wanted a large family, never dead set on a number (still aren’t ;) ), but I knew I wanted several kids. I dreamt often of the future family God had for me, mainly, the joy of being a wife and mother. It’s really all I have ever wanted to do, (though, had I read Katie Davis’ book Kisses from Katie prior to becoming a mother, things might have turned out differently! Haha) Though I was always aware of the fact that parenting was HARD, I anticipated messes, I anticipated back talk, defiance, fighting amongst the siblings, and I even anticipated chaos to a certain extent. What I didn’t anticipate was the weariness of the day to day. I have heard the term weary repeatedly throughout my life, but since becoming a mother, it has taken on a whole new meaning.
I. AM.WEARY. I am drained. I am utterly exhausted and defeated most days. It amazes me that one can love being a parent with all their heart, soul, and mind and yet some days want to run away and never come back. I think that that is what makes some days harder to breathe through than others, the thought that there is no escaping. There is no break. There is no “quitting”. This is not a job we can choose to say, “Never mind! This is way more than I signed up for, I’m out!” Yes, I know people do this, as heartbreaking as that truth is, but for those of us that truly love our babies, it most certainly is NOT a choice. So, with that suffocating truth, we then look at the kids God has so graciously blessed us with and think, “what the heck am I doing?!” There is no manual, no guide… there is no boss or manager shouting out instructions or orders. Parenting is more like being dropped off empty handed in the middle of a desert overseas and someone telling you to find your way home. It’s a non-stop game of trial and error… more so error. I think what makes this even harder is having so many. So many little people vying for your attention, so many little people screaming, fighting, crying, falling, asking, touching, etc. etc… “Kyleigh and D.J., Stop hitting each other! Landon don’t squeeze the baby’s head! Hayden, get a towel and clean up the juice you spilled all down the hall way, Gabriel stop coloring on the walls” (yes, let’s throw daycare babies in there too! ;) ) <Elias is crying and hungry> “Alright that’s it, both of you on the couch, you’re gonna sit together for an hour until you get along! No, I said sit, not jump! Hayden and Landon I didn’t tell you to go in there! Everybody stop jumping, put the pillows down!” <Elias is still crying!>
The days are long….and grueling… and by 10:30 I’m ready to call it quits. Each day begins with a new found motivation to stay consistent, and that motivation has quickly vanished by the time breakfast has ended. People tell you, “You have to remain consistent, you are too easy! You let them get away with too much! They walk all over you! ” Even my own kids have unintentionally made it known that mommy is a push over. But I beg God to tell me how I am supposed to do this when I have nothing left in the tank. When there are so many of them are doing so many things. I am overwhelmed, I am tired, I AM WEARY!
Today I took the kids to Blackwater creek with my mom and sister. It was too wet for the park and not warm enough for water, so I thought the kids would love to go for a bike ride. (HA.HA.) I feel like no matter what we do, my kids manage to make it miserable 8 out of 10 times. Needless to say, it was a total bust and we came home, (with a quick stop at Starbucks for my sanity). I yelled out orders that everyone was napping today, and you know what my 6 year old son said to me? “Mom, you always say stuff like that, and then you always change your mind.” As much as I wanted to throw him out the window at that point, the boy was speakin’ truth. They manage to always wear me down. They get me to my breaking point and I have nothing left for the fight. It’s not always that extreme, but it sure does seem like it.
What doesn’t help is that kids today don’t seem to know how to PLAY. Yes, I know, we all heard our parents and grandparents say the same thing, and now I can totally resonate! With the exception of D.J., my kids literally do not know how to play, they don’t enjoy it. They would rather sit on their butts and watch T.V. with a big buffet of food at their disposal. It’s like we naturally breed lazy (soon to be fat) Americans. The bike ride today? They were all huffing and puffing, crying to go home by the time we hit a ¼ of a mile…are…you…kidding…me? They have no stamina because they hate playing. They hate playing because the world is telling them they don’t need to use their brains or imaginations; the world will do it for them through video games and T.V.! Kids have no patience to play because they are used to immediate entertainment. Kyleigh had a friend over recently and I suggested they play with the barbies together, ( if they could manage to remove all of the dust they had collected :P). So they did…for about 5 minutes. When I walked by I heard the friend say, “yeah, this is taking way too long, let’s go do something else.” WHAT?! That was the whole fun of it! My friends and I would spend HOURS setting up for babies and barbies! It breaks my heart. And it truthfully infuriates me. I spend 90% of my weeks literally forcing my kids to go “play”. To find something to do, trying my best to fight the urge to just let them “zombify” in front of the T.V.
I never anticipated the lack of play when I dreamt of becoming a mother. I never thought they would require me to be such a big part of their day to day activities. My mom wasn’t and I had a fantastic child hood! When did we become playmates as well as mothers?! When did a mother become their child’s imagination? And, side note, when the heck did food take over the majority of a child’s mind! Like my mom said, they used to have to call us in to eat. My kids don’t stop asking to eat! My guess is boredom, because they can’t put forth the effort to play. It’s a vicious cycle.
I LOVE being a mother, I truly do. I wouldn’t change it for the world. But so many factors play into parenting today, factors I never expected. I want so badly to enjoy my kids. I don’t want to cringe at the thought of another one touching me, asking me to hold them or sleep with them or play with them. I don’t want to hear footsteps coming up the stairs in the morning and think “OH NO! not yet!” I don’t want to be so frustrated and exhausted that all I want is for everyone to leave me alone! It’s sad, but its true! Most of my week is just work. Physically, mentally, and emotionally draining work. I so often feel defeated. I feel lost and hopeless, thinking it’s just too overwhelming and God chose the wrong person for this job. I cry out to Him asking, “What the heck am I doing?! Please HELP me!”
Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand my heart in all of this. I love my kids and I am thankful God has blessed me with these 5 amazing gifts, but Facebook really does paint a different picture than the reality of most of our lives. I feel like a phony when I am complimented on my parenting, on my kids. My kids are wonderful, I think the world of them. They are trying and very strong willed, (I truly believe God will use that one day in all of them), but I absolutely adore them. However, I feel like I suck royally at this parenting thing. Books make it all sound so easy. “Just live it. Just love them and be Jesus to them.” Lord help my kids if they think Jesus is anything like me most days!
I just felt the need to share, I’m not sure why. Maybe for encouragement for anyone that might be in the same position. I know I feel alone most days. People are too busy so friendships aren’t as close as we’d like. Very few know the depths of our struggles because we all have so many of our own and not enough time for the rest! I also feel many can’t relate. When I talk about anything I am dealing with, most are in very different places.
I have no sweet way to end this, no great quote of encouragement about how it will end, because yet another reason parenting is so frightening is that we have NO IDEA how it will end! But I will say I am truly thankful. I am thankful that God is breaking me down daily and filling all of my gaps with his love, with his grace. I am thankful for the refining process of parenting. My kids are revealing things about me that I would have never known otherwise. God is sanctifying me through these precious babies. I have said over and over again that I wish I understood His grace more… and boy am I discovering it’s beauty with every new day that passes. Grace, grace, grace… I am thankful for His grace, and I am thankful for the grace of my kids.
I always knew I wanted a large family, never dead set on a number (still aren’t ;) ), but I knew I wanted several kids. I dreamt often of the future family God had for me, mainly, the joy of being a wife and mother. It’s really all I have ever wanted to do, (though, had I read Katie Davis’ book Kisses from Katie prior to becoming a mother, things might have turned out differently! Haha) Though I was always aware of the fact that parenting was HARD, I anticipated messes, I anticipated back talk, defiance, fighting amongst the siblings, and I even anticipated chaos to a certain extent. What I didn’t anticipate was the weariness of the day to day. I have heard the term weary repeatedly throughout my life, but since becoming a mother, it has taken on a whole new meaning.
I. AM.WEARY. I am drained. I am utterly exhausted and defeated most days. It amazes me that one can love being a parent with all their heart, soul, and mind and yet some days want to run away and never come back. I think that that is what makes some days harder to breathe through than others, the thought that there is no escaping. There is no break. There is no “quitting”. This is not a job we can choose to say, “Never mind! This is way more than I signed up for, I’m out!” Yes, I know people do this, as heartbreaking as that truth is, but for those of us that truly love our babies, it most certainly is NOT a choice. So, with that suffocating truth, we then look at the kids God has so graciously blessed us with and think, “what the heck am I doing?!” There is no manual, no guide… there is no boss or manager shouting out instructions or orders. Parenting is more like being dropped off empty handed in the middle of a desert overseas and someone telling you to find your way home. It’s a non-stop game of trial and error… more so error. I think what makes this even harder is having so many. So many little people vying for your attention, so many little people screaming, fighting, crying, falling, asking, touching, etc. etc… “Kyleigh and D.J., Stop hitting each other! Landon don’t squeeze the baby’s head! Hayden, get a towel and clean up the juice you spilled all down the hall way, Gabriel stop coloring on the walls” (yes, let’s throw daycare babies in there too! ;) ) <Elias is crying and hungry> “Alright that’s it, both of you on the couch, you’re gonna sit together for an hour until you get along! No, I said sit, not jump! Hayden and Landon I didn’t tell you to go in there! Everybody stop jumping, put the pillows down!” <Elias is still crying!>
The days are long….and grueling… and by 10:30 I’m ready to call it quits. Each day begins with a new found motivation to stay consistent, and that motivation has quickly vanished by the time breakfast has ended. People tell you, “You have to remain consistent, you are too easy! You let them get away with too much! They walk all over you! ” Even my own kids have unintentionally made it known that mommy is a push over. But I beg God to tell me how I am supposed to do this when I have nothing left in the tank. When there are so many of them are doing so many things. I am overwhelmed, I am tired, I AM WEARY!
Today I took the kids to Blackwater creek with my mom and sister. It was too wet for the park and not warm enough for water, so I thought the kids would love to go for a bike ride. (HA.HA.) I feel like no matter what we do, my kids manage to make it miserable 8 out of 10 times. Needless to say, it was a total bust and we came home, (with a quick stop at Starbucks for my sanity). I yelled out orders that everyone was napping today, and you know what my 6 year old son said to me? “Mom, you always say stuff like that, and then you always change your mind.” As much as I wanted to throw him out the window at that point, the boy was speakin’ truth. They manage to always wear me down. They get me to my breaking point and I have nothing left for the fight. It’s not always that extreme, but it sure does seem like it.
What doesn’t help is that kids today don’t seem to know how to PLAY. Yes, I know, we all heard our parents and grandparents say the same thing, and now I can totally resonate! With the exception of D.J., my kids literally do not know how to play, they don’t enjoy it. They would rather sit on their butts and watch T.V. with a big buffet of food at their disposal. It’s like we naturally breed lazy (soon to be fat) Americans. The bike ride today? They were all huffing and puffing, crying to go home by the time we hit a ¼ of a mile…are…you…kidding…me? They have no stamina because they hate playing. They hate playing because the world is telling them they don’t need to use their brains or imaginations; the world will do it for them through video games and T.V.! Kids have no patience to play because they are used to immediate entertainment. Kyleigh had a friend over recently and I suggested they play with the barbies together, ( if they could manage to remove all of the dust they had collected :P). So they did…for about 5 minutes. When I walked by I heard the friend say, “yeah, this is taking way too long, let’s go do something else.” WHAT?! That was the whole fun of it! My friends and I would spend HOURS setting up for babies and barbies! It breaks my heart. And it truthfully infuriates me. I spend 90% of my weeks literally forcing my kids to go “play”. To find something to do, trying my best to fight the urge to just let them “zombify” in front of the T.V.
I never anticipated the lack of play when I dreamt of becoming a mother. I never thought they would require me to be such a big part of their day to day activities. My mom wasn’t and I had a fantastic child hood! When did we become playmates as well as mothers?! When did a mother become their child’s imagination? And, side note, when the heck did food take over the majority of a child’s mind! Like my mom said, they used to have to call us in to eat. My kids don’t stop asking to eat! My guess is boredom, because they can’t put forth the effort to play. It’s a vicious cycle.
I LOVE being a mother, I truly do. I wouldn’t change it for the world. But so many factors play into parenting today, factors I never expected. I want so badly to enjoy my kids. I don’t want to cringe at the thought of another one touching me, asking me to hold them or sleep with them or play with them. I don’t want to hear footsteps coming up the stairs in the morning and think “OH NO! not yet!” I don’t want to be so frustrated and exhausted that all I want is for everyone to leave me alone! It’s sad, but its true! Most of my week is just work. Physically, mentally, and emotionally draining work. I so often feel defeated. I feel lost and hopeless, thinking it’s just too overwhelming and God chose the wrong person for this job. I cry out to Him asking, “What the heck am I doing?! Please HELP me!”
Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand my heart in all of this. I love my kids and I am thankful God has blessed me with these 5 amazing gifts, but Facebook really does paint a different picture than the reality of most of our lives. I feel like a phony when I am complimented on my parenting, on my kids. My kids are wonderful, I think the world of them. They are trying and very strong willed, (I truly believe God will use that one day in all of them), but I absolutely adore them. However, I feel like I suck royally at this parenting thing. Books make it all sound so easy. “Just live it. Just love them and be Jesus to them.” Lord help my kids if they think Jesus is anything like me most days!
I just felt the need to share, I’m not sure why. Maybe for encouragement for anyone that might be in the same position. I know I feel alone most days. People are too busy so friendships aren’t as close as we’d like. Very few know the depths of our struggles because we all have so many of our own and not enough time for the rest! I also feel many can’t relate. When I talk about anything I am dealing with, most are in very different places.
I have no sweet way to end this, no great quote of encouragement about how it will end, because yet another reason parenting is so frightening is that we have NO IDEA how it will end! But I will say I am truly thankful. I am thankful that God is breaking me down daily and filling all of my gaps with his love, with his grace. I am thankful for the refining process of parenting. My kids are revealing things about me that I would have never known otherwise. God is sanctifying me through these precious babies. I have said over and over again that I wish I understood His grace more… and boy am I discovering it’s beauty with every new day that passes. Grace, grace, grace… I am thankful for His grace, and I am thankful for the grace of my kids.
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