After six days home with the kids, and now going into the
7th, I'm going a little crazy being off a normal routine. It really hasn't been
THAT bad, but apart from the normal chaos that exists within such a large
family (plus daycare kiddos), adding the pregnancy and its hormones as well as
being couped up with two special needs boys, I'm struggling not to lose my cool
at this point. God is funny with that though, He never lets me get away with
it. On one of the more "ugly" days this week, I randomly pulled a
book off my shelf and opened it up. I have no idea why, I was literally in a
daze and just trying to focus on anything besides the crazy juice that was
getting ready to burst out of my skin. I opened it up to a random page and this
is what was highlighted,
"My child does not cause me to be the way I am but
rather reveals the way I am. Therefore, when my response is sinful, I must own
up to this as my issue...
Our kids to not cause us to sin but reveal our sinful
choices. Unconditional love means there is no condition (circumstance or
characteristic) that forces us to be harsh, even hateful, toward our children.
Jesus taught: " For from within, out of the heart" come our sinful
choices, which He lists in great number (Mark 7:21). Our children's
disobedience or disrespect does not cause us to react in unloving ways. Our
reaction comes from within."
Ouch. Hello ugly, sinful, selfish me. Not my kids. Me. I
have said on numerous occasions that parenting is one of God's greatest tools
for refinement. He teaches us, breaks us, molds us, stretches us and forces us
into corners where we have no choice but to look up and hold tight to the faith
we profess.
Landon and Spanky are my greatest "refining fires"
right now. Landon's issues are known, and I have mentioned how difficult he can
be on his days off, with a lack of structure and routine. Add to that this
little boy who, though we have yet to name a specific diagnosis yet, has definite
special needs and is developmentally delayed because of his history. Its one
thing to be in the dark, navigating the world of autism, and learning to demonstrate
patience and love in the midst of some of the most annoying and trying
situations I have ever been in. But let’s add to that a little boy who at age
4, often times acts like a 2 year old, both mentally and emotionally, and who
cognitively struggles to critically think, often leaving us scratching our
heads at the statements and questions he poses. He is the sweetest kid, we love
him, and he has a beautiful personality, but like Landon, the sweet side is
often overrun by the annoyances and frustrations that frequently occur as a
result of their disabilities. With Landon at least I now know WHAT I am working
with and I have avenues and places to go for advice and direction. With Spanky
we are still trying to figure out what his specific issues are, and that makes
it even more difficult to show patience when you are literally at your wits end
most days with little advice to go on.
With that said, being home for 6 days with not only these
two kiddos but the 4 + others: along with the sopping wet floors, the piles of
wet snow clothes that I have helped put on and take off more times than I can
count, the mounds of laundry and dishes, the constant fighting, the over
exhaustion that leads to endless and unmerited tears, the spills, the messes, the
chaos… simply put, the life that comes with one big crazy family…let’s just say
what is “coming forth from my heart” has not been pretty. It’s humbling and at
times very discouraging, however I am thankful for a God who doesn’t leave me
as I am nor leave me alone in my attempt to overcome these shortcomings. He not
only reveals the sin, but showers me with His promises every morning when I
take the time to seek Him. He has placed each one of these kids in my life,
special needs and all, and because I know nothing with Him is by accident or
without purpose, I know He will provide me with just what I need to see it
through, one day at a time. AND, if I let Him, He will thus pour into these
beautiful kids through me, each with their own unique situation and rise them
up to be the amazing people He has created them to be. Here’s to one more day
of learning to love unconditionally...and Lord willing "penciling in" a shower. Thank goodness I have a perfect role model
to look up to. <3
