Am I ok with that?

              I signed up for a class this fall for the first time in a year. It was looking like everything was going to work out perfectly, my class even ends in October and my daycare kiddos don’t start until then so the timing was perfect. The end was in sight. Two classes left and an internship and I would graduate in May. After over 10 years of working toward this degree, I was FINALLY going to be done. But, if there is one thing I can say with absolute certainty about this year…and last… its that nothing is going to be smooth. Nothing will work out as I expected it to. So whenever I get side swiped by unexpected circumstances, I don’t know why it still leaves me standing there like a broken and lost puppy.

                I apparently broke enrollment by taking a year off, so I was told to re-apply. What I was not told is that this would now put me on the current year’s degree completion plan… and with that, my class load tripled. I now am looking at 6 more classes and an internship, rather than two. I wanted to cry at this news, but we had family over and I had to push it all back inside and wait for a moment… a moment that never came. Last night was spent waking up far too often with babies, and this morning I missed the alarm so I only got about 15 minutes of quiet time before my kids started rolling in. I attempted to go back after breakfast and read more, but they won’t have it. So, the tears are sitting behind my eyelids waiting to burst out at the next “opportune time”. In the meantime, I found myself venting to God in my head this morning. The reason I stepped away from school last year was to focus all my energy and attention on my family. I was worn down and overloaded so I listened to God’s call on my heart to take a step back and let go of the “extras” that were wearing me out so I could give my family what they needed. So, I was admittedly angry with God this morning as I felt I was being “screwed over” for walking in obedience. We know that’s not how He works. I KNOW there is a reason, and hey, they could accept my appeal and let me go back to my original degree completion plan with no issues. However, though that is my hope, I couldn’t help but feel God saying one thing in response to all my whining and complaining… “But if they don’t, if you have to take those four extra classes, will you be ok with that?” This is the theme lately. “If the house doesn’t sell and you have to stay there longer, will you be ok with that?” “If Lynchburg is where I want you to be, are you ok with that?” “If I don’t want you to do foster care for a while, will you be ok with that?” “If this is your last baby, are you ok with that?” “If all you want is not what I want for you right now, ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?” – (insert my post yesterday about feeling like the pieces of my life are all scattered up in the air and I am waiting down here with no real sense of direction or answers to my many MANY questions. )

              Am I ok with that… with any of it… I think all of that comes down to how much I trust my life in the hands of the Almighty. My response this morning was yes God, if this is what you want and that is the outcome that plays out, I will be ok with that. I won’t like it, but I will trust You. The thought of it made my heart hurt and my stomach drop, but I have to ask myself if I really believe in the promises of God’s word. Then this morning, even though I had so little time in the Word, God gave me this perfect nugget of truth to comfort me today:

“How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears you, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more. With your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying: “This is the way; walk in it.” – Isaiah 30: 19-22

Lysa Terkeurst added: “If we want His direction for our decisions, the great cravings of our souls must not only be the big moments of assignments. They must also be the seemingly small instructions in the most ordinary of moments when God points His Spirit finger saying, “Go there”.

          Ok God, I’ll go there. I don’t get it, it kinda sucks, but I trust You. However this pans out, whatever tomorrow looks like, I trust You. <3 

The Ugly Mom

"When our lives show our humanity, it gives to others the beautiful and much needed permission to be human themselves." - Kim Crandall

It's been a rough few months. Exhausting, discouraging, uncertain, and frustrating to say the least. So, of course, blow ups and break downs are far more likely to occur. Yesterday was one of those REALLY rough days. The baby wouldn't stop fussing, I tried to get the house back in order with 8 kids in tow and it was a futile effort. The bickering, the questioning, the tattling, the NEEDING. By 4:00 I was walking around like a zombie, completely unaware and unmoved by anything and everything going on around me, bouncing the baby as I stared at the mounds of laundry I'd been trying two attack for to hours to no avail.

Then my kids come running in the room saying," MOM! Kyleigh broke the baby gate! she broke it right out of the wall, look! here's the piece!" I then proceed to ask how this happened, to which they replied, "We were trying to get the mattress up the stairs so we could slide down and it broke it!" Now, don't get me wrong... I am a relaxed mom and mattress sliding down the stairs would normally be totally acceptable, BUT, our staircase is very narrow and not quite long enough. We learned early on that it just wasn't doable so I told the kids (more than once) not to do it anymore. I say this to explain my reaction just a little better (not that it justifies it).

I turned to look at them, stared at them with the look of complete disappointment and anger and said, " Well thanks guys. Thanks so much. Because once again you broke something that I don't have the money to replace. Just add that to the list! You know, the ever growing one of lost shoes, broken cabinets and doors, the fan I can't replace, and everything else in the dang house. Go ahead, go on and break the rest of our crap, you're going to anyways! Go, get out of here." - Yep, that happened. Shamefully so. My poor kids looked so crushed, their little spirits deflated right in front of me. The all immediately apologized, several times, to which I replied with a very hard and unconvincing, "It's FINE!" All but Landon walked away. None of them can handle when mommy is upset, especially when its with them. They immediately try to fix it. Landon kept saying, "I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry. Can I help you? Can i cook dinner?" Kyleigh went off to plan a way to lift my spirits, and Hayden took Elias outside to write "Happy Anniversary" in the dirt for me (its not our anniversary, but to her, this was a special way to aplogize ;) ). I broke down at the stove as the guilt slowly suffocated me.

What a crappy mom I am. Who does that? Who purposely guilts their kids like that? It's not their fault everything is so rough right now. It's not their fault finances are tight or that the baby is fussy and making me lose my mind. And they are just kids, why on earth do I hold them to such high expectations? Well, because I clearly suck as a mother and human being all together, obviously.

You want to know how else I suck? I am so prideful that apologies are far and few from my mouth. I generally feel justified in my reactions, and it takes a lot of me to say I'm sorry. (this is true in my marriage, and my poor husband has patiently endured this for 12 years). And even when I do force an apology out its like I just shot myself in the gut. It hurts. I absolutely hate it. And quite honestly, I only half heartedly mean it most of the time.

My book recently pointed out that the key to overcoming this "mom guilt" is to live in the gospel daily. We always attempt to "try harder" and "do better".I don't know about all of you, but this rarely ever goes well for me. I just continue to fail and fall short. So her challenge? To LIVE in the gospel daily. We are forgiven already. We are covered in grace. My blow ups, shortcomings and ugly words are nailed to the cross. Its done. And not only has Christ already forgiven me, but my kids never fail to cover me in forgiveness as well.

I turned to them all when they came back in, and, with oh so much effort, I forced myself to show humility and apologized to my kids for my reaction. Kyleigh immediately said, "NO MOM! you don't need to be sorry! we were the ones that were wrong." (ugh, ouch) I replied, " No, even if what you guys did was wrong, mommy was wrong in how she reacted, and I am sorry." D.J. quickly came back with the words, "its ok mommy, I forgive you." My skin crawled at the words. My pride shot through the roof and I had to fight it back. My flesh said, "YOU forgive ME?!" Its in the moments where you realize just how ugly we are, and how desperately we need Christ's forgiveness and grace. I hope the more I force this, the more God works, the easier this apology and humility thing gets, because its just another thing I "suck at".

My daughter went out with her daddy last night and came home with three things: Trash bags, a huge chocolate bar, and two boxes of bacon. She bought them for me. I needed trash bags, I love chocolate, and though the bacon was "for everyone" I do believe she had ulterior motives there LOL. She bought them with the very money she spent the past two days earning. I argued with her telling her I didn't want her to use her money, but she stubbornly insisted. I was humbled. Even after being a crappy mom and making her feel small and hurt earlier in the day, she showed me grace. I adore my kids. They drive me crazy, but they are amazing, and some of the best examples of Christ's love in my life. I share this to encourage anyone else who feels like an awful mom. You aren't alone. And its because of those very ugly moments that Christ died for us. So we could live in His finished work, in His freedom, and rest in His strength, even on the worst of days.

"In my self -focused pursuit to prove myself worthy, I had forgotten about GOd's sovereignty and His perfect plan for our family: he gives us the exact children he wants us to have for our joy as well as our growth. He also gives our kids exactly the mothers they need; he uses our strengths AND our weaknesses to help them grow. When I measure myself against God's law, I am indeed a bad mom, and my need drives me to depend fully on Christ as my hope and strength. As mothers, we can't ever be enough for our children. Only Christ can meet their every need perfectly. Our hope as mothers should be in Him an His redeeming work, not our own work. Praise the Lord for the fact that we can do that!" - Kim Crandall

The "Mom" Verse

This verse spoke right to my heart this morning. WHERE has it been the past 9 years?! Why on earth have I never paid any attention to it until now? I have read Isaiah several times, but for some reason this never stuck out to me until now yet somehow I missed this amazing source of encouragement:

“He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms, and carries them close to His heart; HE GENTLY LEADS THOSE THAT HAVE YOUNG.” – Isaiah 40:11

Recently, my study group and I have decided to practice the “SOAP” method of studying scripture that was taught at a conference our church held a few weeks back. S – Scripture, O – observation, A – Application, P – prayer. It has been AMAZING so far. I LOVE breaking apart each verse and discovering how other versions word it and what many of the words actually mean. It brings about so much more depth and meaning to God’s Word when we actually STUDY and MEDITATE on it.

This is what I came up with during my study of this particular verse today, I am just in awe of God’s love and care for His “flock”, and that He singled out us mama’s specifically to remind us that we are not in this alone. I love the New Living Translation’s version of the last sentence: “HE will gently lead the mother sheep with their young”.  If you work through the meaning of the words I pulled out, it is just beautiful. 

I don’t know the original intent of this verse, I am no theologian and I’m sure as heck not Isaiah or God, BUT, this is what the Sprit spoke to my heart through it. God has NOT left us mothers on our own. HE is literally carrying us, gently and lovingly guiding our steps as we navigate this terrifying role of motherhood. He is leading us, having already gone before us in advance, directing our course, guiding our way. He is “bearing the major portion of our responsibility”. While “holding us close to His heart” the ENTIRE time. He is “standing in readiness to prevent mischance”. And one of the most beautiful parts of all, He is gathering us mothers, TOGETHER, from all over, all walks of life, with all our differences and making us ONE with Him, as we move forward each day. Absolutely amazing. <3 I hope this encourages you fellow mamas out there as much as it did me. 

We choose our reactions, our circumstances don't cause them.

I find myself continually opening up this book I recently finished, searching for little snippets to keep me encouraged throughout the day. I feel like many of us read something encouraging or even just simply find random motivation to “do better” and “try harder” each day, but it is so quickly snuffed out by the presence of failure that we go right back to our negative cycles, never finding our way out. This is me…For the past 9 years. I feel like I am always trying to overcome my tendency as a mother to get annoyed and flustered when the continual mishaps, messes, and interruptions ruin yet again another day.  I feel like I am always treading water, desperately searching for the joy I so desperately desire. I often look around me and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. “WHY is this so hard? Why do they annoy me so bad? Why am I so desperate for them to leave me alone more often than I want them to be around me?” I have read several books on the topic of motherhood/parenting, and this one was no different when it came to the heart of the problem. The problem is NOT my kids. The problem is NOT my circumstances. Sure, it would be much easier to be joyful if my kids would be perfect little obedient and peaceful angels, but that in no way describes a child. And sure, my  mood would be much better if my house stayed cleaner, I had more help, my back didn’t ache, I wasn’t so tired, our finances weren’t so tight, etc. etc. etc. We could all list a million reasons we have to be grumpy and short fused. But the reality of it is, it all comes down to ME. I am the one in charge of how I respond to the circumstances and people around me. I cannot change them. The only thing I have control over is how I deal with them. And truth be told, the reason they all annoy and frustrate me so much is because, well, they are interrupting MY plans, MY day, MY desires. Me Me Me… The root of my problem is selfishness. I love the authors take on our daily “interruptions”:

“There will always be interruptions and obstacles to accomplishing our dreams. You know what? They are blessings! If life was a steady flow of unobstructed pathways, how would we ever learn or grow, or understand the depth of the beauty that surrounds us? There is great value in having to learn to jump a hurdle or move a huge block out of the way.” – Lisa Pennington

Lisa, the author of the book, further encourages her readers to pause in the midst of those interruptions, breathe, pray, and try to not only realize its NOT REALLY that big of a deal, but also to bring humor to the situation, because laughing ALWAYS, without fail, brings joy to a situation.

Now, I was a little skeptical of this advice at first because, well, I know most if not all of you have days like me where it feels like a domino effect and everything that CAN go wrong, DOES go wrong. To try and muster up humor and keep myself from becoming crazy hulk mom again seems utterly impossible. But, this lady has 9 kids and has home schooled them all so I figured it was worth a shot to at least give her advice a try.

So today, my normally very stressful morning of breakfast/lunch prep, getting the kids ready to head to school and trying to bathe and prep the littles because we had to be at Spanky’s visit by 9, went exactly as it always does…except, it was enjoyable. I randomly broke out into song over something that would have normally had me screeching at a child. Singing and some added belly shaking as I tried to imply that the baby was enjoying my solo even if the other 5 were staring at me liked I’d fallen of the crazy wagon. ( No joke, 5 sets of eyes, all in dead stare as I shake and sing around the kitchen, though Elias tried to give me a pity dance in support). Then, we did devotions for the first time in weeks together…. Five minutes before we had to be at the bus stop, but I let go of how I THOUGHT it should go and just let it happen is it could. We discussed it briefly, pointed out the key points and ran (or hobbled in my case) to the bus stop. I randomly called out every 30 seconds with a pathetic “Ima comin!!  Have a great day if you leave before I get there! I’ll still be here!” All three kids were laughing, and sweet DJ even attempted to come back and help me. Then we prayed together, on the corner of our street right before the bus came. Precious.

I came back, finished getting the kids ready and rather than become irritated with their lack of follow through to my initial requests, I tried to make it fun. I made everything a race. Getting dressed, cleaning up their place at the table, getting shoes on, and even getting in the car and buckling. It made it fun, and wouldn’t ya know, it made it all happen efficiently. ;)  Now… here is where Satan really tried to “ruffle my feathers”. Let me yet again quote Lisa before I continue:

“Getting into the van may not look like you thought it should, but that doesn’t mean its wrong. It can be filled with joy.”

Says the woman of 9 children, who absolutely can relate to my frustrations this morning. We were already cutting  it close to getting to the visit on time, and as I go to strap Charlie in, I realize someone had completely undone her car seat. Ugh. So I had to buckle it back in with her in the seat, which is twice has difficult. Then, where SPanky or Hayden usually help me buckle Gabriel in the back, the buckle was of course twisted this morning and they couldn’t get it. Great. Bum knee, fat belly, sure, let me climb to the back and fix the stupid buckle. I painfully did so and crawled up to my own seat. I then kept telling myself to NOT forget to stop in Kroger to pick up flowers for birth mom… I said it like 3 times ya’ll… but wouldn’t ya know, I went into mommy la la land one minute before passing Kroger and completely forgot to turn. So I had to find a place to turn around… a mile up the road, and get back there asap, while still being on an ever decreasing time limit. We finally get downtown, with minutes to spare, only to sit there for another 10 minutes because birth mom was late. 10 minutes in a stationary car with 5 kids under 4…no Bueno. But alas, what would have normally derailed my day, ended up going smoothly and without the typical frustration, anger, and yelling. Simply because I paused, remembered its NOT that big of a deal if we are late, and we started singing and being silly on the way there, bringing the mood and atmosphere back to a more joyful level. When we got there, rather than barking at them to stay seated, which of course would be EASIER, I allowed them to unbuckle and freely move in the car while we waited.

Later on, I had a messy house. Rather than be overwhelmed and attempt to kick them all outside (fighting them every five minutes to GET OUT OF MY WAY AND OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!) I chose one thing to focus on, the dishes, told them to play for a bit outside until lunch, and watched them through the window as I worked. It was not without interruptions, but I listened, answered, and joked with them the whole time, making it much more bearable. Then, I forced myself to really stop after the dishes wer done and to take a few minutes, despite the fifty things screaming at me that needed to be done, and I played three games with them outside, resting my leg while I was at it. Two birds, one stone. They had an absolute blast, so much so that Spanky came up and hugged me and told me he loved me at least 5 times throughout the games. Just because I was spending time with them… ENJOYING them. It meant the world to them, and I have to admit, it brought my own mood and heart up to a level I haven’t seen mid day in a long time. ;)

I then excused myself, returned to finish a few duties before it was time to tuck them all in. The normal resistance that would occur because of nap time was avoided because I promised a story if they quickly got ready for naps. Then, I allowed the tickle monster to join us and chased them each to their beds, complete with a belly feast and burrito baby finish. They went down like angels.

Naptime was heavenly. I propped my leg, which has been quite irritating lately, but rather than get annoyed, I ate, chilled and regrouped before heading back to put the house back together. I folded the mounds of laundry that normally overwhelm and frustrate me, and used it as an opportunity to pray for the what seems like endless prayer requests that I am aware of. I spent time talking to God, in the quiet of my day, rather than becoming so wrapped up with the to-do’s and frustrations of the day, the things that normally keep my eyes in front of me rather than above me.

This has been by far one of the BEST days I’ve had in a while, and the only thing that changed was my attitude and perspective. My kids were still doing the same things they always do, my house was just as messy, my to-do list just as long, and my leg and back are in just as much pain, but I chose to make the most of every moment, adding humor and fun rather than succumbing to the growing feelings of frustration because things were going the way “I wanted them to”. I realize this is long, but I share it because I know that I am not alone in this struggle. It seems to be plaguing just about everyone I know, parent or not.

Lisa states, “Every time our expectations get derailed ,we have a choice. To move forward with joy or to go into a fuss and get mad. We can fight what God wants us to learn from the changes, or we can give over to peace that, not to be cliché, passes understanding. We can be controlled by our immediate reaction, or we can stop and give it thought and purpose.”

Though every day we can look around us and see SO MANY THINGS that are wrong with our lives, I assure you, that if we choose to rather look around and see the MILLIONS of things that surround us that are beautiful and good, we will already have a completely different attitude. Like anything else, it takes time to change. Tomorrow I will probably fail, but my hope is that rather than give up and fall back into my normal, negative, grumpy and joyless cycle, I will simply let the moment (or day) pass, embrace the grace that I have already been given, and try again. With God ALL THINGS are possible. I want to enjoy this beautiful life He has given me,  and that is absolutely possible if I just let go of myself and embrace what’s in front of me. <3

My Storm and all its Ugly...

Music is my soul medicine. I know not everyone feels that way, but many of you can relate to how it just speaks to the depths of you. God always seems to send just the right song at just the right time too, often times penetrating my heart and literally splitting it in two. Today, as I am in the depths of my current valley, the darkest place in my storm, I started making a cup of coffee and this song came on. My eyes welled up, my heart broke open, and I sat down and just cried the words out to God.

"Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all. When the mountain looks so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shakin' like a leaf, You have been king of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace."

 Yes, at a time when my heart cannot possibly take anymore, when I feel so broken and my emotions are so mixed up that I have no idea what to feel, all I can cry out is Hold me Jesus… Be my Prince of Peace. God has been working in my life fervently this past year. I have learned so much, felt so much, and grown so much. Because of that, I knew something was coming. When I read through the book Fervent, after finishing up Screw Tape Letters, both discussing the hand of Satan in our lives, I knew it was only a matter of time before my life would be turned upside down. I didn’t know what, but I was certain it was coming. And now, here I sit, in the midst of the well anticipated storm, utterly shattered and trying to find my way out. It is the most ugly and yet beautiful thing to experience utter defeat and humility. The hard times really do force us on our knees. Its like our bodies cannot even bare to stand on two feet, with trembling knees we feel the urge to fall flat our faces and seek God’s face, His presence, His peace, His assurance, when all else in our lives doesn’t seem to make sense. Its when all those things we preach during the “good times” are truly tested, and we see just how strong, or weak, our faith really is. I have seen so much ugly in myself, so much immaturity. His light shines in the darkness and reveals all the dirt. A few weeks ago I wrote down several of God’s promises: His promises about loving me, his faithfulness, His deliverance, that He hears me and will provide the desires of my heart, etc… This weekend, in the pit of my ugly, I read over them again and wanted to throw the book against the wall. I looked up and just asked,” where are you? Really? You say all this and yet I see none of it right now. Where is this peace you promise? I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel your presence. I feel angry and defeated and without hope in this situation. What do you want from me?” If you’ve ever had those moments, then you may also resonate with the inner fear that comes with questioning the Almighty God. As the words came out of my mouth I sat there and prayed further for Him to forgive me and not rain hell over me for my lack of respect and faith. (Not that He does that, He is ever so patient and loving, it never fails to amaze me). I still have no answers. I have no real purpose in sharing this except to simply show that despite how things appear, we are all battling something.

 Life is so hard. Even those of us who try desperately to spread hope and encouragement are gurgling the water as we try not to drown in our brokenness and despair. Despite my questions. Despite my lack of peace at this very moment, I still know my God is good. He is here. He is working. I don’t understand it, His ways are not mine, His thoughts are greater, His plans so much bigger. I wish I could rest in that as easy as I can say it. But one day at a time, I seek Him, I cry out to Him, I pour out my heart and I wait.

 I read the other day something that literally rocked me, if I can sound like a hipster Christian for a minute. Timothy Keller pointed out that, “We humans may say, “Let there be light in this room, but then we have to flick on a switch or light a candle. Our words need deeds to back them up and can fail to achieve their purposes. God’s words, however, cannot fail their purposes because, for God, speaking and acting are the same thing. The God of the Bible is a God who “by his very nature acts through speaking”. When the Bible talks of God’s Word, then, it is talking of God’s active presence in the world.” Isaiah 55:11 says, “So is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it”. With that, rather than throw the book with all those beautiful promises written out, I sit here, soak up and meditate on every word and attempt to rest in them. Because they aren’t just words, they aren’t just promises, they simply ARE.

 “You have kept count of my tossings; put all my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?... This I know, that God is for me.” Psalm 56:8-9

“But the Lord is with me, like a mighty warrior.” – Jeremiah 17:7

“He will restore me, he will make me strong, firm and steadfast.” – 1 Peter 5:10

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you WILL SEE the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.” – Exodus 14:13-14

“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him... Do not fret, it only causes harm.” Psalm 37:7-8

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust…” Psalm 40:8

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” – Psalm 40:1-2

Snow days, disabilities, crazy mom and unconditional love...

After six days home with the kids, and now going into the 7th, I'm going a little crazy being off a normal routine. It really hasn't been THAT bad, but apart from the normal chaos that exists within such a large family (plus daycare kiddos), adding the pregnancy and its hormones as well as being couped up with two special needs boys, I'm struggling not to lose my cool at this point. God is funny with that though, He never lets me get away with it. On one of the more "ugly" days this week, I randomly pulled a book off my shelf and opened it up. I have no idea why, I was literally in a daze and just trying to focus on anything besides the crazy juice that was getting ready to burst out of my skin. I opened it up to a random page and this is what was highlighted,

"My child does not cause me to be the way I am but rather reveals the way I am. Therefore, when my response is sinful, I must own up to this as my issue...

Our kids to not cause us to sin but reveal our sinful choices. Unconditional love means there is no condition (circumstance or characteristic) that forces us to be harsh, even hateful, toward our children. Jesus taught: " For from within, out of the heart" come our sinful choices, which He lists in great number (Mark 7:21). Our children's disobedience or disrespect does not cause us to react in unloving ways. Our reaction comes from within."

Ouch. Hello ugly, sinful, selfish me. Not my kids. Me. I have said on numerous occasions that parenting is one of God's greatest tools for refinement. He teaches us, breaks us, molds us, stretches us and forces us into corners where we have no choice but to look up and hold tight to the faith we profess.

Landon and Spanky are my greatest "refining fires" right now. Landon's issues are known, and I have mentioned how difficult he can be on his days off, with a lack of structure and routine. Add to that this little boy who, though we have yet to name a specific diagnosis yet, has definite special needs and is developmentally delayed because of his history. Its one thing to be in the dark, navigating the world of autism, and learning to demonstrate patience and love in the midst of some of the most annoying and trying situations I have ever been in. But let’s add to that a little boy who at age 4, often times acts like a 2 year old, both mentally and emotionally, and who cognitively struggles to critically think, often leaving us scratching our heads at the statements and questions he poses. He is the sweetest kid, we love him, and he has a beautiful personality, but like Landon, the sweet side is often overrun by the annoyances and frustrations that frequently occur as a result of their disabilities. With Landon at least I now know WHAT I am working with and I have avenues and places to go for advice and direction. With Spanky we are still trying to figure out what his specific issues are, and that makes it even more difficult to show patience when you are literally at your wits end most days with little advice to go on.  

With that said, being home for 6 days with not only these two kiddos but the 4 + others: along with the sopping wet floors, the piles of wet snow clothes that I have helped put on and take off more times than I can count, the mounds of laundry and dishes, the constant fighting, the over exhaustion that leads to endless and unmerited tears, the spills, the messes, the chaos… simply put, the life that comes with one big crazy family…let’s just say what is “coming forth from my heart” has not been pretty. It’s humbling and at times very discouraging, however I am thankful for a God who doesn’t leave me as I am nor leave me alone in my attempt to overcome these shortcomings. He not only reveals the sin, but showers me with His promises every morning when I take the time to seek Him. He has placed each one of these kids in my life, special needs and all, and because I know nothing with Him is by accident or without purpose, I know He will provide me with just what I need to see it through, one day at a time. AND, if I let Him, He will thus pour into these beautiful kids through me, each with their own unique situation and rise them up to be the amazing people He has created them to be. Here’s to one more day of learning to love unconditionally...and Lord willing "penciling in" a shower. Thank goodness I have a perfect role model to look up to. <3 

2015 - What.A.Ride.

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and attempt to sum up my take on 2015 for me personally, in as few words as possible because this has been a heck of a year for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It is no surprise that the final two books I have read in the year 2015 were The End of Me by Kyle Idleman and I am currently finishing up Jen Hatmaker's book "Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity". I thrive on reading, it feeds me in every way possible. God has used amazing authors (apart from His Word) to fill me, fuel me, and completely turn my life upside down. I am more than half way through Hatmaker's book and I feel like I am reading my own words to describe God's work in my life this year. She labeled her own journey as the "descent down". While society tells us we are supposed to make our way to the top, to be successful, to strive for better and greater, Jesus calls His people to live in complete opposition to the cultural norm. And He has spent the last year (well, much longer, but this year was a large piece of the puzzle) bringing me to the bottom, to the end of "myself"; my pride, selfish ambitions, and my comfortable Christianity so that I have no other option but to rely completely on Him and discover the amazing life He has waiting for me if I'd simply let go of all that holds me back. I'm nowhere NEAR the end of this journey: it is life long and only beginning for me, but I am thankful for the many ways He has broken me these last 12 months. One statement that I continue to chew on from Jen’s book is this: “Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else to be fed”. Kyle Idleman adds that, “brokenness is the way to wholeness…if you’re going to live, you’re going to lose”. I have prayed for years to experience Him more intimately, and I am learning that that can only happen when I come to the end of myself, when we reach those valleys and the only thing we are left with is our ability to call out to our Lord and seek His face, His help, His strength, and simply just HIM. There is nothing more frustrating nor more terrifying than having all control slowly ripped from your hands, left completely dazed and clueless, but, “there is much value in the struggle” (Interrupted, p. 31).  I know He is working something out in my life, in OUR lives. I think 2015 was a year of brokenness and releasing control, and in turn, I believe 2016 is going to be a year of much change for my family and I. What that will look like, I have no idea, but I am learning to trust despite the uncertainty, fear, and unknown, because the One I am trusting in has proven to be completely faithful and His way is so much greater than anything I could ever choose on my own. I’m terrified but elated. Anxious but eager. Exhausted but full of peace. I can’t wait to see where He takes us. As Jen Hatmaker stated, “God does not change, but He uses change to change us. He sends us on journeys that bring us to the end of ourselves. We often feel out of control, yet if we embrace His leading, we may find ourselves on the ride of our lives”. I share this stuff with you all because I do not believe God wants us to keep our journeys stuffed under a rug, tucked away in the dark corners of our hearts. We are called to let Him shine through us. As I learn, as I grow, as I fall flat on my face, I share it in hopes that somehow He will receive the glory He is due in the midst of it all. If you watch and see my many slip ups, my many mistakes and the utter stupidity that I let slip through far too often, may you see His grace and work cover it all regardless of myself. Here’s to a New Year sweet family and friends, whatever it has in store, I have no doubt it will be one heck of a ride. ;)

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.” – Jeremiah 17:7