Haiti

Hello my wonderful family and friends! So much has happened recently that my mind is still reeling, but in such a wonderful way. God has been patiently working on my heart for quite some time now in regards to overseas missions. When I first married Dave, I remember adamantly telling him that God did NOT lay it on my heart to travel overseas and I knew I was not “called” to do such work, though I supported those who did. Little did I know that God would spend the next 8 years tearing down those walls of resistance and stretch my heart and mind so far that I am now completely unrecognizable in comparison to that girl 8 years ago. If God were to call me to pack up my family and things and head overseas tomorrow, I would go in a heartbeat. My ache for the broken and destitute around the world is almost unbearable at times. This is especially true in regards to children. My heart’s desire is to spend my life serving and showering the broken of this world with the love, hope, and compassion of Christ. Even more so, I am fervently praying that this will be the yearning on my children’s hearts as well, wherever God may lead them. For years I have, quite impatiently at times, waited for God to open the doors for me to stand in the midst of these beautiful, sweet people, even if just for a short period. This past two weeks has been an incredible testimony to God’s faithfulness. After reading one of my (MANY ;) ) books, I finally decided to stop “waiting” for everything to appear perfectly in place, for this supposed “right” timing, and to simply just walk out in faith now, whatever that  might mean at this time in my life. Without going into too much detail, I stepped out in faith in regards to a mission’s trip to Haiti that my church was hosting. I never sincerely entertained the idea that I would actually be able to go. The deadline for applications was over a month ago, the team had already been prayed over and chosen, and the likelihood of them letting someone they have never met go seemed unrealistic. However, if there is one thing I have learned time and again, it’s that our God is not “realistic”. He is a God that makes the impossible possible. Within the course of a weekend, I emailed the church, interviewed with them, and received an email that I was going to Haiti. To say I was elated is an understatement.

I have to add that in the midst of all of this, I have been praying for God to present us with opportunities to serve Him and love those around us, and to keep our eyes open to those opportunities as well as our hearts willing to follow. Shortly after receiving an email from the church requesting an interview, I got a phone call from social services saying they had a little boy that needed someone to take him into care. We became foster parents over a year and a half ago and have not heard a word from DSS apart from a few respite care opportunities along the way. We live in the Bible belt where everyone and their mother is a foster parent, (which is INCREDIBLE and such a blessing, please do not get me wrong). I had pretty much put that desire on the back burner, expecting it to never really happen. God, in His crazy timing, has me accidently answer this phone call thinking it was the church. While I am talking to her and telling her we would absolutely take this little boy in, I get another incoming call, this time, actually from the church. I finish with the DSS worker and call the church back. I have one of the most uncomfortable conversations of my life, and hang up, not really sure what had just happened to me. That night we brought home a sweet boy to stay with us for a while, and the next morning I received the news that I was going to Haiti. I am just in awe of God’s willingness to let me be a part of the work He is doing in this world, even in the smallest of ways. To know that my God can work in and through someone as inadequate and broken as myself still leaves me in awe. I share all this to first and foremost ask that you all please lift myself and my family up in prayer during this time of incredible opportunity and transition with our new friend and with the upcoming trip to Haiti. Please pray that God will work not only in me, because I know I will leave there completely changed, but also that He may work through me. That I will be open to whatever He leads, that I may be the hands and feet of Christ to a lost and broken people. Pray for my whole team as we go and share the love and hope of Christ. I also ask that you pray for my amazing husband as he is staying behind with our crazy brood.  Pray for his patience, his sanity, and of course their safety. ;) I also ask that If God lays it on your heart, that you might consider supporting me financially on this journey. Like all trips, it requires a substantial amount of money to go. I am very limited on time because I was added a month later then everyone else, but I know our God, who is always faithful, will provide. The total amount is $1,850 and it is due by March 22^nd. If anyone would be willing and able to support in any way, no matter the amount, it would be an incredible blessing to me! I can’t provide my address on here, but I would be happy to message it to anyone that is interested or you can send it to the address below (my church). I appreciate you all more than you will ever know, thank you for your prayers and support during this time and always!

Corinna (Cori)

Checks made payable to: BRCC 

**Corinna Freyre and 5561-1 in the memo line (That is VERY IMPORTANT in order for the money to be credited to the correct account.)

Checks can be mailed to:

BRCC

attn: Shea Foster/Missions

2361 New London Road

Forest, VA 24551

If you would like your donation to be tax deductible, make sure you pay by check and not cash! Thank you all again SO much!! <3

Meeting Christ in our Mess... and man, am I a mess.

 I've learned that sleeping in on the weekends just isn't worth it. I absolutely HATE immediately waking up to loud voices, fighting, little people jumping all over me, and the continuous chorus of "I WANT BREAKFAST!!". All of that before I have even had my first sip of coffee is NOT a good combination, and NOT my idea of a great morning. I know some moms may cherish all of that, but I have to be honest, the only way my family and I will stand any chance having a "good" day is if Mama is able to get up before the rest of the house, have her coffee and fill up on the words of Jesus and those close to His heart. So, today I made myself get out of bed at 6:30 in order to protect my family...and myself. I sit down, relishing that warm cup of golden deliciousness in my hand, and begin reading my new book. Ten minutes into this moment of heavenly bliss, I hear the first set of footsteps coming up the stairs. I cannot lie, my heart drops when this happens far too soon in the morning. It was D.J., and man was he chatty this morning. I continued trying to read while leaving one ear available to his boyish chatter, and then five minutes later, Landon walks up the stairs. Landon does not intro his day with a good morning or a hi mom, he will always walk into the room and with his oh so beautiful WHINEY tone state, "I want breakfast". I resist the urge to throw my book at him every time. I tell him, as usual, that he must wait until I finish my quiet time, then I will gladly serve him his breakfast. So he hangs around, climbing on my legs, asking me the same 3 questions, and arguing with his brother. Shortly after this, one by one, the remainder of my children enter the living room... my short lived sanctuary is no more. Everyone wants to eat and everyone is a little edgy today (probably feeding off of my own vibes this morning, not gonna lie). So I wrap up the rest of the current chapter I am working through in my oh so perfectly timed book, "Hope for the weary mom", and  proceed into the kitchen where I try to find enough space on my over crowded stove top and counter. I rarely get a chance to do the dishes the night before, my need for bed is far greater than my need to clean when 8:00 rolls around. So I work in the ridiculous mess that is my kitchen. Then, I am informed that D.J. broke the railing on his bed last night. I think, he probably just knocked it off and in his little boy mind he believes it is broken. So I walk downstairs and lo and behold, the railing is hanging over the side of the bunk bed, half of it laying on the floor and the remainder of the pieces laying all over the edge of his bed. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. I then come upstairs, too irritated to really address the issue at that moment, telling him we will discuss it when daddy wakes up. I then tend to the screaming baby in his booster chair who is apparently starving to death. I make him a bottle, while running the bath water for my boys who I embarrassingly enough, I cannot remember the last time they had a bath, it's just been one of those weeks. I then look around my house and see this...



What is not pictured is the pile of bedding in the hallway covered in Hayden's pee from two nights ago, the curtain rod hanging from Elias' window, one panel still hanging on and the other on the floor, the laundry that is overflowing every basket in the house, the playroom that no longer has a floor, The Christmas decorations , that though packed up, have yet to be put away, and oh so much more...


I'm taking the advice of the lady at Spirit FM and admitting that my house RARELY looks clean and together. I will clean, and within an hour it is trashed again. Sometimes this leaves me feeling so discouraged and frustrated, other times I just roll with it and accept that that is where I am at in life. For those of you moms who are able to keep that beautifully clean and put together house, you are rock stars and I admire you. But for those of you like me who can never seem to catch up, you are NOT ALONE! I think how terribly I need to get my house back in order, but I am left with no hope because today is one of the two days I have in the week to get away and do my homework. So, I accept yet again, that my house must look like crap for another day...or two...or three...

This morning follows a pretty rude awakening I had yesterday. Dave went to do our taxes and needed Elias' social security number. I went to our box with all the important "stuff" in it, and expected to find it, remembering in that moment that we never received Elias' birth certificate from months ago. I was furious, and told myself to remember to call about that monday. I open the box and within a few seconds I find the supposed "missing" birth certificate. I am completely confused at that point, because for the life of me I cannot remember ever getting it. The hole in my memory is kind of scary some times. Then, I hopelessly search for the social security card that I swear is in there. To no avail, I cannot find it. I am frustrated and freaking out because we so need to do our taxes and I can't remember where I put it, or quite honestly, if I ever did receive that in the mail either. I spend the next 45 minutes searching tirelessly through boxes and piles of papers all around the house and, praise the Lord, I find it at the bottom of a BIG stack of papers, bills, and miscellaneous whatevers. I am thankful, but oh my word, I am horrified. Do you ever have those moments, (for me they are quite often), where you are so irritated with your inability to stay organized and even more angry that your brain absolutely SUCKS now that you have kids? I assure you, my processor is in fact broken. Though I was horrified at this unfolding of events, Dave was even more caught of guard...and in all honesty, I think he was a little concerned....rightly so lol. I felt like a complete mess...a failure... and I knew in that moment that even though these things needed to be organized and i needed to get my physical life together (my house and all that is in it), I knew it just wasn't possible... WHEN would I get the opportunity or time to do anything about it? I can barely get my house picked up and the dishes done on a daily basis...

I say all this, as I am currently lsitening to my kids scream from the bath in unison, "MOOOOMMY!!! WE ARE READY TO GET OUUUUUT!" I have let out a few words in not so pretty octaves this morning, and of course, I feel like the worst mom every at this point.All I can think is...man I stink as a mom... and my poor husband, I really need to get this wife thing under control too.  I'm just one hot mess ya'll.

However, God, in His oh so perfect timing, had laid this truth in my hands and on my heart yesterday during my precious alone time, and I have continued to dwell on it since.

(Referencing 1 Corinthians 12:9-10)

"I imagine that if Jesus himself could whisper these verses into our hearts it might sound something like this:

Can you hear me, sweet one? I'm struggling hard to be heard over the condemning voices in your head, but I want you to hear the truth and to embrace it. Its ok to be weak. It's ok to not know what to do or how to do it. It's ok that you don't have all the answers. I do.

What's that? You're tuning in just a little now? I'll try again...It's ok to feel lost. It's ok to need help. It's ok that you're not perfect. I am!

That's better! You're the apple of my eye! My darling girl who was so valuable to me that I gave my life for you! I want to shout my love for you from the rooftops and say ITS OK TO FAIL! it's ok to get things wrong! it's ok to be weak, because in your weakness I AM strong.

If you'll let me, I will make your place of greatest weakness into my place of greatest grace. I'll be the strength you need to keep going, the one who meets you in your mess, the one who leads you to the next right thing and covers over your sin with my robe of righteousness. Trust me. Invite me in. Shut out those other voices, because I have loved you with an everlasting love. Nothing can ever tear you away from the strength of my love. Listen to me."

OH I am so weak and SO not together. This continues to be painfully revealed to me daily since I have become a mother. But oh how incredibly thankful I am that Christ IS perfect, that He DOES have it all together, and that despite my failures and defeats, despite those voices telling me I don't measure up, He is always beating them down with His love, His grace, and His sweet tender voice calling me to look at Him and not at the mess around me. I hope you fellow weary mamas can find some precious encouragement in these beautiful words, this amazing truth. You are GREAT moms, and GREAT wives, and we are all in this together. Imperfect in and of ourselves, but 100% perfect in Christ. Love you all!

Insecurities, Friendships and Facebook

          Growing up, I always struggled with friendships. Girls were mean, catty, jealous, and disloyal. The circle of girls you referred to as friends, were (majority of the time) far from the definition of a friend. This in turn caused me to find friendships with guys, something I would still prefer to this day but am unable to engage in because I am married and that just doesn’t fly anymore. Some of the best friends I ever had however, were guys. Guys don’t get wrapped up in the cattiness and drama that is girls. Though they too struggle with insecurities, those insecurities don’t affect their relationships the way they do for girls.

          I began to surrender my life to Christ in high school, which is one heck of a time to discover yourself in Christ and stand strong against the influences of the world. Teens are so impressionable, so insecure and weak, and man is it a lonely road. Standing in the middle of a public school, full of sex, parties, drinking, and a whole heck of a lot of drama, it felt nearly impossible to stand firm in what I believed to be true. However, I feel this would have been far easier had I had a good support system apart from my family. I searched and searched for friends that shared a heart for the Lord, but they were far and few. I was stuck in the middle of the world around me and the world within Christ. The kids at school didn’t really want to hang out with me because we didn’t have anything in common. I wouldn’t drink, party, have sex, or doing anything “fun” in their standards. But the kids in my youth group were closed to me because in many ways I still resembled the world. Being a new Christian, I was still blind to some of the things that I shouldn’t have been engaging in, primarily the way I dressed. I had several people within my youth group speak to me about their thoughts, (and the thoughts of others) in regards to my clothes. Had it been done in love and without accusation, I may have responded better. But it made me feel dirty and isolated. Knowing that kids in my youth group, as well as parents apparently, made me sick and it hurt to know I was being judged by the very people I was trying to trust. In school I was being judged for looking and acting different, and in church the same was occurring on the opposite end of the spectrum. I spent my sophomore year isolated socially. I dealt privately with an eating disorder for over a year and a half. However, that year and half was one of the most incredible times of spiritual growth thus far in my life. I read, A LOT. And I grew to know and love the Lord more with every minute I spent in His presence. I felt strong. However, the following year proved my infancy in my faith and I fell hard. Again, much of this was because I lacked a good support system, because I was so alone in my faith, and I felt like such an outcast in both worlds. I caved and chose to follow the world again, and the consequences are still reaping their dividends today.

       

        I hoped that as an adult, this awful search for my place in this world, my search for “good” friends would end, but I have found over the years that it only gets worse. It’s different now, however. The insecurities are different and the reactions to those insecurities are fairly different, but the loneliness and hurt are still the same.  The most genuine of women still fall under the attacks of their insecurities and unknowingly cause a lot of heartache to those they feel threatened by. God rescued me through my relationship with my husband. We are so like-minded in our faith and in our passions, that it has made the hole within my social life seem not so devastating. Being a mother has forced me to grow significantly in my relationship with the Lord and in my faith. Being a wife has done the same. Amazing authors have served as my “friends” and spiritual encouragement despite the lack of those relationships in my physical life. I constantly ask the question, “What’s wrong with me? Do I come off as arrogant or unfriendly? Do people think I am fake? Am I offensive in ways that I am unaware of?”  Many times it has caused me to shut down and shut in, but thankfully God never lets me stay there long.

         Over the years it has occurred to me that much of the problem, despite the fact that we are all just incredibly busy, is a result of social media. Women are insecure and it’s something that will carry on with us in a variety of ways throughout the rest of our lives. Though we may react differently on the outside, we all still suffer from the ugliness of becoming envious, jealous, and judgmental on the inside. Facebook serves as a reminder of all those ugly insecurities, and Satan loves to use it as a means to keep us self-doubting and discouraged. We see these moms that seem to have it all together: clean homes, clean kids, perfect jobs, organization, a solid faith, an amazing husband, etc..etc… We see our friends getting big beautiful homes, buying nice cars, dressing up in cute clothes, having the money and time to do their hair more than twice a year, all while many of us are watching while we sit in our food stained yoga pants, with our three day old messy buns, dark circles under our eyes, dirty homes that are continually falling apart, and a car that yet again needs to go to the shop. Our kids are crazy, our lives are chaotic, and we just can’t seem to get anything right. Now, I am a mother so I can only speak from that perspective, but this applies to women of all walks of life, just different issues. Not only are we viewing these seemingly “perfect” lives, but we also have everyone and their mother posting articles, blogs, and statuses expressing why this and that are the best way to parent and take care of your child, and what YOU are doing is wrong and as a result, you basically suck as a mother. Or at least, that’s what we hear.

           I was talking with my mom the other day and telling her my thoughts on this subject. I told her I remember she and her friends, who were the mothers of my friends, seemed to always have such a great friendship despite their differences in styles of parenting and opinions on life and faith. To this day, she is still great friends with most of those women. And here I am, struggling to even find one friend like that. I told her I blame much of this issue on social media. She and her friends didn't have that. They didn't have the ability to share everything and anything under the son about themselves. They didn't share every political, parental, and religious (or lack thereof) opinion that came to their mind. As a result, their friendships were based simply on their relationships with each other…based on their similar situations, their crazy schedules and difficult days, and the pure enjoyment of one another’s company. They shared stories and laughed over coffee, ignoring all of their differences and just enjoying their walk through life together. They all had different incomes, different sized homes, and different cars. And yet, they were confident and comfortable enough in their friendships to see past those differences and the insecurities they may have caused. I wonder if they would have been friends (or still be friends) had they had access to social media at the time.

          My point, because I promise there is one, is that we need to see past ourselves, see past our insecurities and remember we are here for a short time and we can’t waste any more of it feeling inadequate, defensive, inferior, or discouraged.  Moreover, many of us need to step off of our pedestals of judgment and remember that we are all struggling in life, struggling to balance it all, to know what’s best for our families, to get back in shape, to feel good about ourselves, to simply press on each day. For those of us that profess Christ, we need to remember why we are truly here on this earth. Susie Larson said it best in her book Your Beautiful Purpose, “If we open our hands and hearts to envy and jealousy, the devil grabs the opportunity to tie up our hopes and dreams and choke the life right out of them. The love of God ceases to operate through us when envy has its way in us”. How much are we missing out on because we are allowing our insecurities to dictate our influence in the lives around us? How many people are we hurting because we are allowing walls of self-doubt and uncertainty to prevent us from reaching them with the love of Christ? I will end this with a paragraph from Susie Larson that really opened my eyes and efficiently sums up the point of my writing this post. She said, “We are in this together. We’re all in different stages of growth and development, but we’re all precious to God, all a work in progress, all engaged In the priceless work of the kingdom. Do remember that what we notice in others is something that we already possess to some degree—or at least have the potential to-- both positively and negatively. When we refuse the weakness and pettiness of a jealous spirit and instead rise up as co-laborers tending to a greater cause than our momentary selfish whims, the enemy is the one who gets blindsided. When we’re together – refusing to let pettiness divide – he cannot tell where you end and I begin. All he can see is an unbeatable army”.  

Winning Today - A beautiful description of what that means for Believers

I posted the other day about my newly adopted motto of "winning Today", the idea of not focusing so much on the future and what needs to be done, what's coming, and frankly what may never even happen but rather focusing on the very moment I am in, the very day I know for sure I have. Yesterday, I finished my current book, Breaking Free by Beth Moore, and in God's usual fashion, He spoke directly to my heart and drilled away at this truth. Her whole conclusion was based on this idea of "winning today", but she elaborates so beautifully about what that truly means for a believer. Though slightly lengthy, if you can bare with me, it is well worth the read! I pray God speaks to your heart through her words as He did mine!

“I believe Isaiah 40:28-31 tells us exactly what to do when we get weary in the walk. Notice whose strength the Lord will renew: “those who hope in the Lord.” The Hebrew word for “hope” (KJV, “wait upon”)is quawah, meaning “to bind together (by twisting)…to be gathered together, be joined.” If we want to keep a renewed strength to face our daily challenges or regain a strength that has added, God’s Word tells us to draw so close to the presence of God we’re practically twisted to Him!

The thought of fighting our way through life is exhausting. Can you think of anything more arduous than waking up to win every day? I could probably do it about four days a week. The other three days I’d want to push snooze and go back to sleep. There’s got to be a better way.

I believe Isaiah 40:31 is telling us to wrap ourselves so tightly around God that we automatically go where He’s going, and the only way He’s going is to victory (2 Corinth. 2:14). God doesn’t want our goal to be to win. He wants our goal to be to win Christ. Consider Paul’s familiar words in Philippians 3:8-9. The King James Version uses the words, “that I may win Christ”. No one had more to say about warfare and fighting the good fight than the apostle Paul; yet his primary goal was no to win, but to win Christ. The next phrase explains what the apostle meant by winning Christ. It says, “and be found in Him”.

Being “found in Christ” is the very same idea as “hope in the Lord” in Isaiah 40:31. Both concepts describe binding self to God. When my children were little, they used to hold on to my waist and wrap their legs around one of mine. I’d whistle, go about my business, and say, “I wonder what Amanda (or Melissa) is doing right now?” They would laugh hysterically. My heart never failed to be overwhelmed with love, because I realized that their favorite game was to hang on to me! My muscles might ache afterward, but it was worth it.

To “hope in the Lord” is to do with God what my children did with me! To wrap ourselves around Him as tightly as we can. Why does Isaiah 40:31 present the concept of binding ourselves to God in context with being weary and faint? Think about the illustration of the game my children and I played. Who did most of the work? I did! What was their part in the game? Binding themselves to me and hanging on tight. Do you see the parallel? When we start feeling weary, we’re probably taking on too much of the battle ourselves.

When we’re most exhausted, we’re expending more energy fighting the enemy then we are seeking God’s presence. More than you seek to win, seek Christ! More than you seek the defeat the enemy, seek his foe! More than you seek victory, seek the Victor! You’ll never be more beautiful to God than when He can look down and see you hanging on Him for dear life!

…Cling only to Him, the One who will lead you until He leads you home—where once and for all, you’ll be free at last.

I feel a little like I did when I left my Amanda at college for the first time. Humor me for a moment and allow me to say a few motherly things before we go. Remember, we never find freedom from bondage in independence. We find It by taking the same handcuffs that bound us to sin and binding ourselves to the wrist of Christ. When you’re imprisoned in the will of God, your cell becomes the Holy of Holies. Never forget, there is only one Stronghold that frees when it binds."

- from the book Breaking Free by Beth Moore

A Birthday Message for my Main Squeeze

Today is my sweet hubby’s 28^th birthday… and of course on special holidays I must get all sappy and dote on my man, that’s just how us Horton’s roll. ;) Yesterday, I shared with Dave a post that had caught my eye on Facebook titled, “10 things every husband needs to hear”.  As I read through the 10 things we had a good laugh at several of them because in the beginning of our marriage, I definitely did not vocalize (or feel) these particular statements toward my “young” husband. However, I thought today was a great opportunity to make sure he knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that each one is true. So here are the 10 things my husband needs to know:

1. I believe in you: I may not have felt this way in the beginning, by it only took a couple years to recognize what a talented, hardworking, smart, and driven man you are and you have proven time and again that you can do whatever you put your mind to. I believe in you, I believe in the man you are and the man God has called you to be. You can do anything you set out to do not only because you are able, but even more so because the God you love and serve is completely capable.

2. I value your leadership: It was incredibly difficult for me to step down and let you take the reins of this family. I like to be in control, but I have come to truly rest in your leadership over our family. I trust you, I trust your judgment, and I trust your heart for the Lord and for each one of us. I love that you are the one leading us, and I will follow you wherever God calls you to go.

3. I admire you: That is an understatement. I admire you, I respect you, and I look up to you in so many ways. You are so strong, so selfless, and so driven. You have been such an inspiration these last 8 years, and I think the world of you as a person: as a man of God, as a husband, as a father, as a friend, and as a worker.  You are amazing.

4. I feel safe with you: Despite the fact that we have several fire arms, knives, and even a police baton thanks to your dad lol, I feel safe with YOU. I know you are always watching out for us and always keeping an eye out for any sign of danger. I feel safe with you in respect to the physical fears of this world, but I also feel safe with you spiritually. Your faith guards our home, our hearts, and our family unit.
5. You were right, I was wrong: Ok, this is actually 9 things every husband wants to hear because we all know I am always right. This is just a fact and will remain so until the day I die. ;)

6. I appreciate all you do for our family: Yes, yes, yes. I wish there was a better way to word this, but know that all your efforts, sacrifice, and hard work are recognized and beyond appreciated. We are so thankful for you and for all you have given to us and done for us.

7. I’m glad I married you: God has blessed us beyond belief in our marriage. Statistically we should not have made it this far, but God is so good and so much bigger than the “odds”. I love you more now than I ever have, and that love continues to grow with every year we are blessed to have together. I could not imagine being married to anyone else, you are my best friend!

8. I missed you: how often have we said that lately? Oh how I do miss you in the midst of our crazy schedules. I am thankful for the moments we get together, and I look forward to the time we will have after December when you finally kiss school good bye! ;)

9: Thank you for being dependable: This is such a great word to describe you. I know you will never bail on us, never bail on your responsibilities.  No matter how hard it gets, you have proven to be dependable, steadfast, and have persevered through each grueling minute. Thank you for that, because it is a RARE quality anymore!

10. You’re an awesome man of God: The word awesome is kinda lame here LOL but You are an amazing testimony to God and His faithfulness. Your faith has been inspiring over the years and I have so loved watching your relationship with Him grow deeper and deeper as each year and circumstance passes. Thank you for not giving into the world but continuing to keep your eyes heavenward. What a difference it truly makes to be equally yoked, I can’t imagine not having that piece of our relationship, it is the glue that has kept us together.

So here we are, 11 years together, 8 ½ years of marriage, 5 kids, we bought a house, and you are FINALLY wrapping up that stupid degree!! 4 more weeks and you can say you are DONE, and you did it all before the age of 30. ;) I Love you baby and I am so proud of you, in more ways than I could ever say! I hope you have an amazing birthday and I pray God blesses us with many more together!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

A proud wife

So Dave filled out his application to graduate last week.. I can't even express how surreal that is. We both started college when we were 18, and we are both STILL IN COLLEGE. Just so everyone has a clear idea of how long it has been... he is 27, I am 28.... 10 years ya'll, 10 years of trying to get a dang bachelors degree! 3 jobs, 5 moves, and 5 babies later, it's finally happening...well at least for one of us. ;) I am over flowing with pride for my husband. Most have no idea the journey it has been for him to get here. The patience, the endurance, the strength and perseverance he has shown to finish this long and grueling process.

We had a rough start to begin with. We were pregnant with our first child and only 19 and 20 years old. He was a manager at Golden corral working 55-60 hour weeks and very late nights. The first year of our marriage we spent most nights up until 2 or 3 in the morning playing Texas Hold-em (or watching it played on T.V.), because it took a while for him to wind down. After Kyleigh was born, we both knew the hours and life of a restaurant manager just wouldn't work with our family. So, my amazing man of faith, left a job with the promise of a $50-60,000 income in the next few years if he had stayed, and started a job at 84 lumber. He absolutely hated this job. A month later, I remember him coming home and telling me he couldn't stay there anymore and he was going to quit. He had nothing lined up, just the hopes of landing a job at Liberty, so I of course tried to "persuade" him,( yeah, I was yelling), to stay until he had another job in place. In the end, he quit the job that day and spent the next week working out the details to get into Liberty. I wanted to beat him. However, his faith was far greater than mine at the time, and I'm thankful it was! God had him show up at just the right time, speak to just the right guys, and by the end of the week he had a job in the Access Control Department. I still look back in amazement at the whole situation... it is not easy to get a job there unless you know someone, and it's even harder without a degree. God was leading.

With this job came free schooling for the both of us, a HUGE blessing. However, his starting pay was $9 an hour... I was babysitting for supplemental income and we were expecting our second child. Talk about being a little tight. ;) But God has continued to provide over and over again. He worked in a very stressful position for the next several years, and acquired the max amount of allowed overtime every week which ended up being 50-54 hour weeks. We had our next 3 babies while he was at that job, and he continued to push through his schooling the whole time, with very few breaks in between. There were several lengthy periods of time when he would even load up his lap top and do his homework while sitting at the plasma center twice a week just to cover the bills. When many men would have asked their wives to go to work and possibly double the income, he made it possible for me to be home with our kids, no matter the cost. He has done without so much, spending most of his earnings to simply take care of his family. While most of his 20 something buddies were talking about weekend trips, golfing, lifting, watching sports, hunting, etc... he was busting his tail to provide for his family and finish school. But he didn't complain. He would definitely dream of the days he'd be able to join them, but he was determined to finish. In the midst of it all, he still had to be a dad and husband. But he has fulfilled those roles with ease and grace. He is an amazing father and husband, and has never made any of us feel slighted no matter how exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed he may have felt at times.

So here we are. The final stretch and of course he is going out with a bang by doubling up his online classes for the final semester of school. It is going to be a long and tiresome finish, but I know he can and will do it. I am unbelievably proud of him. I have always admired him, but the pride I feel for him after being by his side the past 8 years is indescribable. I married an amazing man, a man of integrity, grit, and diligence. Above all, he is a man of God, and I have watched his faith grow and mature year after year as he fought his way to this point. I am thankful for his sacrifices, thankful for his love and perseverance, and just simply thankful for him. I am also thankful this phase is almost over, for everyone's sake! lol He has mentioned a masters on several occasions, and I am sure he will pursue it, but for now, we will enjoy this incredible accomplishment! He has earned it. ;) I am so proud of you honey, and I grow to love you more with every day God blesses us with!! Here's to another 10 years of schooling, haha!

From One Weary Mom to Another

I wish so often that I had a recorder in my brain… so many thoughts float through, some quickly, others I go over methodically, all the while wishing I was able to pen what I was thinking. This is mainly because by the time I have a moment to put it on paper, all those beautiful metaphors, all the passion, all the analysis has then passed and I am left with yet another blank word document. Today however, today I feel inspired even after my lengthy mental debate with myself. I know I’m not alone on that one, how many of you actually debate yourself in your head throughout the day? Logically explaining both sides of the same story, it’s pretty ridiculous when all is said and done. But when you have a house/car/life full of kids, what other options do you have? I mean, you literally become crazy! ;)

I always knew I wanted a large family, never dead set on a number (still aren’t ;) ), but I knew I wanted several kids. I dreamt often of the future family God had for me, mainly, the joy of being a wife and mother. It’s really all I have ever wanted to do, (though, had I read Katie Davis’ book Kisses from Katie prior to becoming a mother, things might have turned out differently! Haha) Though  I was always aware of the fact that parenting was HARD, I anticipated messes, I anticipated back talk, defiance, fighting amongst the siblings, and I even anticipated chaos to a certain extent. What I didn’t anticipate was the weariness of the day to day. I have heard the term weary repeatedly throughout my life, but since becoming a mother, it has taken on a whole new meaning.

I. AM.WEARY. I am drained. I am utterly exhausted and defeated most days. It amazes me that one can love being a parent with all their heart, soul, and mind and yet some days want to run away and never come back.  I think that that is what makes some days harder to breathe through than others, the thought that there is no escaping. There is no break. There is no “quitting”. This is not a job we can choose to say, “Never mind! This is way more than I signed up for, I’m out!” Yes, I know people do this, as heartbreaking as that truth is, but for those of us that truly love our babies, it most certainly is NOT a choice. So, with that suffocating truth, we then look at the kids God has so graciously blessed us with and think, “what the heck am I doing?!” There is no manual, no guide… there is no boss or manager shouting out instructions or orders. Parenting is more like being dropped off empty handed in the middle of a desert overseas and someone telling you to find your way home. It’s a non-stop game of trial and error… more so error. I think what makes this even harder is having so many. So many little people vying for your attention, so many little people screaming, fighting, crying, falling, asking, touching, etc. etc… “Kyleigh and D.J., Stop hitting each other! Landon don’t squeeze the baby’s head!  Hayden, get a towel and clean up the juice you spilled all down the hall way, Gabriel stop coloring on the walls” (yes, let’s throw daycare babies in there too! ;) ) <Elias is crying and hungry>  “Alright that’s it, both of you on the couch, you’re gonna sit together for an hour until you get along! No, I said sit, not jump! Hayden and Landon I didn’t tell you to go in there! Everybody stop jumping, put the pillows down!” <Elias is still crying!>

 The days are long….and grueling… and by 10:30 I’m ready to call it quits. Each day begins with a new found motivation to stay consistent, and that motivation has quickly vanished by the time breakfast has ended.  People tell you, “You have to remain consistent, you are too easy! You let them get away with too much! They walk all over you! ” Even my own kids have unintentionally made it known that mommy is a push over. But I beg God to tell me how I am supposed to do this when I have nothing left in the tank. When there are so many of them are doing so many things. I am overwhelmed, I am tired, I AM WEARY!

Today I took the kids to Blackwater creek with my mom and sister. It was too wet for the park and not warm enough for water, so I thought the kids would love to go for a bike ride. (HA.HA.) I feel like no matter what we do, my kids manage to make it miserable 8 out of 10 times. Needless to say, it was a total bust and we came home, (with a quick stop at Starbucks for my sanity). I yelled out orders that everyone was napping today, and you know what my 6 year old son said to me? “Mom, you always say stuff like that, and then you always change your mind.” As much as I wanted to throw him out the window at that point, the boy was speakin’ truth. They manage to always wear me down. They get me to my breaking point and I have nothing left for the fight. It’s not always that extreme, but it sure does seem like it.

What doesn’t help is that kids today don’t seem to know how to PLAY. Yes, I know, we all heard our parents and grandparents say the same thing, and now I can totally resonate! With the exception of D.J., my kids literally do not know how to play, they don’t enjoy it. They would rather sit on their butts and watch T.V. with a big buffet of food at their disposal. It’s like we naturally breed lazy (soon to be fat) Americans. The bike ride today? They were all huffing and puffing, crying to go home by the time we hit a ¼ of a mile…are…you…kidding…me? They have no stamina because they hate playing. They hate playing because the world is telling them they don’t need to use their brains or imaginations; the world will do it for them through video games and T.V.! Kids have no patience to play because they are used to immediate entertainment. Kyleigh had a friend over recently and I suggested they play with the barbies together, ( if they could manage to remove all of the dust they had collected :P). So they did…for about 5 minutes. When I walked by I heard the friend say, “yeah, this is taking way too long, let’s go do something else.” WHAT?! That was the whole fun of it! My friends and I would spend HOURS setting up for babies and barbies! It breaks my heart. And it truthfully infuriates me. I spend 90% of my weeks literally forcing my kids to go “play”. To find something to do, trying my best to fight the urge to just let them “zombify” in front of the T.V.

 I never anticipated the lack of play when I dreamt of becoming a mother. I never thought they would require me to be such a big part of their day to day activities. My mom wasn’t and I had a fantastic child hood! When did we become playmates as well as mothers?! When did a mother become their child’s imagination? And, side note, when the heck did food take over the majority of a child’s mind! Like my mom said, they used to have to call us in to eat. My kids don’t stop asking to eat! My guess is boredom, because they can’t put forth the effort to play. It’s a vicious cycle.

I LOVE being a mother, I truly do. I wouldn’t change it for the world. But so many factors play into parenting today, factors I never expected. I want so badly to enjoy my kids. I don’t want to cringe at the thought of another one touching me, asking me to hold them or sleep with them or play with them. I don’t want to hear footsteps coming up the stairs in the morning and think “OH NO! not yet!”  I don’t want to be so frustrated and exhausted that all I want is for everyone to leave me alone! It’s sad, but its true! Most of my week is just work. Physically, mentally, and emotionally draining work. I so often feel defeated. I feel lost and hopeless, thinking it’s just too overwhelming and God chose the wrong person for this job. I cry out to Him asking, “What the heck am I doing?! Please HELP me!”

Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand my heart in all of this. I love my kids and I am thankful God has blessed me with these 5 amazing gifts, but Facebook really does paint a different picture than the reality of most of our lives. I feel like a phony when I am complimented on my parenting, on my kids. My kids are wonderful, I think the world of them. They are trying and very strong willed, (I truly believe God will use that one day in all of them), but I absolutely adore them. However, I feel like I suck royally at this parenting thing. Books make it all sound so easy. “Just live it. Just love them and be Jesus to them.” Lord help my kids if they think Jesus is anything like me most days!

I just felt the need to share, I’m not sure why. Maybe for encouragement for anyone that might be in the same position. I know I feel alone most days. People are too busy so friendships aren’t as close as we’d like. Very few know the depths of our struggles because we all have so many of our own and not enough time for the rest! I also feel many can’t relate. When I talk about anything I am dealing with, most are in very different places.

 I have no sweet way to end this, no great quote of encouragement about how it will end, because yet another reason parenting is so frightening is that we have NO IDEA how it will end! But I will say I am truly thankful. I am thankful that God is breaking me down daily and filling all of my gaps with his love, with his grace. I am thankful for the refining process of parenting. My kids are revealing things about me that I would have never known otherwise. God is sanctifying me through these precious babies. I have said over and over again that I wish I understood His grace more… and boy am I discovering it’s beauty with every new day that passes. Grace, grace, grace… I am thankful for His grace, and I am thankful for the grace of my kids.

<Here’s to not screwing up the next 18+ years! ;) >