It will be a month tomorrow since
little man was placed in our home, and it has been one heck of a month. There have been the most amazing moments
filled with opportunities to teach, guide, and love. Yet there have been even
more moments of testing on our parts. Our patience has been stretched beyond
its limits at times, and we have on several occasions lost our focus and our “gusto”
as Dave refers to it. D is right at the edge of the age range we felt
comfortable taking in in lieu of our own children, and the experience has solidified
our decision to keep them younger than our own. By 7, a child has a very solid
foundation, and when you try to mix children from VERY different backgrounds
with significantly different upbringings, it is utterly exhausting. The
struggle for “power” and superiority among my older two and D has been an
ongoing battle for three weeks now. Kyleigh, my rule keeper, has been tattling
incessantly and down D’s throat every time he makes a decision that goes
against our own rules. Trying to find that balance of when to show grace and when
to administer discipline is proving to be harder than I could ever imagine. We
have seen SO MUCH progress just in the short period of time we have spent with
this little guy, but we are also dealing with an abundance of different issues
all at once. I think the greatest difficulty, besides lying, has been the lack
of respect and appreciation. I can take a lot, but when I am shown blatant
disrespect, that causes my blood to boil and is generally one of those things
that brings out the worst in me. There is also a battle of wills and egos,
especially when it comes to his showing any kind of gratitude or manners. This
past week Dave and I have truly hit our breaking point with it all. The
fighting has been relentless, the attitudes have been unbearable, and our tanks
are running on empty. I finally told Dave we needed to sit down today and PRAY
before we started the day. I prayed for God to fill us, to provide us with the
energy, strength, and patience we need to keep moving forward. But most of all,
I prayed for God to keep our eyes fixed on Him, and to continually remind us
why we are doing this and who we are doing it for. It is not for any type of
recognition, praise, or to receive anything in return. We are merely here to be
God’s vessels in this little boy’s life for as long as God would have us do so.
I find I am constantly telling myself to look UP when my patience is running
thin, and remembering whose I am and who I am living for. Perspective truly is
everything.
God, being the amazing Father that
He is, not only heard my prayer, but He showered me with a little extra grace
this morning. No matter how often the kids say thank you, please, or show any
type of manners, D has adamantly made it a point to remain silent, to the point
where the only times I have ever heard him show manners have been when he was
told to. I am trying to remain patient, knowing that he just comes from a very different
situation and wasn’t taught the same things as my own children, but I also know that much of it is by choice
and that infuriates me at times. However, this morning, D came out and
patiently waited for me to finish cooking (not the usual), didn’t complain
about what I was making (also not the usual), and asked, “can I have a lot of
eggs….please?” When I heard please I actually stopped what I was doing and
looked at him in shock. I praised him for it, and continued prepping. He then
thanked me for breakfast when it was served, and politely asked for salt. I
about fell over. A month of NOTHING, and out of nowhere he throws three simple
words at me back to back and you would have though the boy just created gold. I
watched as he communicated calmly with Hayden and Kyleigh, who were very much
trying to egg him on, and then he took them all down stairs to “work out and
have a dance party” where they have all been playing fairly well for the past
hour. God is so good. I needed that little glimpse of hope this morning. Court
is Tuesday (well, with the snow it will most likely be postponed) and we are
more than likely going to have this little guy stay with us for a few more
months. The thought of it left me weary and overwhelmed as of yesterday, but
God, knowing exactly what I needed, reminded me this is possible. With Him all
things are possible. Yes, it is so hard. Yes, I am worn and I feel like I am
living multiple lives: taking him to school and being a “public school parent”
while also trying to still home school my children, countless appointments and
trips to Bedford with a car full of kids, trying to understand and work with a
child that is ADHD while still attempting to spend sufficient time with the
others, overcoming educational obstacles, finding time for my own school work,
and trying to make sure my husband and I’s relationship doesn’t dry up in the
meantime. I have found myself repeating the words, “Breathe Corinna, JUST
breathe… do what’s needed and the rest will be there tomorrow”. Many would say
(and have said), well if it’s that difficult then shouldn’t you stop and
consider your own family? And to an extent, yes of course. But I also want my
children to be raised in a home where we sacrifice for the good of others. I
will never let anything cause me to sacrifice the greater good of my own
children, they were placed in my care by God and it is on me and my husband to
invest in them fully, first and foremost. But what greater tool to teach and show
them the love of Christ then by allowing them to experience it firsthand within
our home. There have been countless “Teachable moments” this month where I have
been able to pull scripture and apply it directly to my children and the
situations we have faced. They are not in “the world” often. We are trying to
build a foundation before they are let out amongst the wolves. But this is
allowing them to be strengthened and tested within a controlled atmosphere,
while we are by their side guiding and teaching each step of the way.
Meanwhile, we are all planting seeds in this little boy’s heart, that Lord
willing, God will allow others to water and cultivate in years to come. Each
day is a new day, full of trials and blessings, but always covered in the grace
of God. I do not know what the coming weeks or months will hold, but God is
faithful and He is sufficient. This is His home, I am His child, and this is
His story that I am blessed to play a small part in.
