Mommy Guilt - my personal prison.

So I haven’t forgotten my 30 day writing challenge of “30 things I didn’t expect when becoming a parent”. In fact, this week I have been dealing head on with the absolute worst item on that very list. It’s such a struggle for me that rather than elaborate on all of the other silly things that I didn’t expect as a parent, I am going to simply forget my challenge and write one emotional post about this topic alone. Mommy Guilt.  This is my prison. I live under its rule most every day. I worry, stress, and fear over my potential to fail my kids as a mother. I feel like everything I do is never enough, I take all the blame for anything wrong in their lives and never embrace the good in them as a reflection of my efforts. My greatest fear, the one thing that cripples me emotionally and mentally most days, is that one day I will look back or stare in the faces of my children and wish I had done things differently. That I will regret my decisions or that my decisions for their lives cause them any sort of pain or harm. I find I spend most days failing to properly parent because I feel so guilty for not giving them enough time, enough affection, enough scripture, enough wisdom, enough of ME. I live in a state of feeling like I am never enough and my efforts always fall short. It’s exhausting and emotionally crippling. And though I recognize its hold in my life and I know very well who is responsible for its presence, I feel hopeless to overcome it.

2015 is coming to a close and I have already declared this year to be looked back upon as the year of my “I can’t do its”. God has slowly stripped me down these past 10 months, revealing to me just how incredibly weak I really am, that I do not possess any type of “super powers”, that I am just one person and I cannot wear a million hats and I can definitely not wear them well if I try. The year started with me facing a giant heartbreak in having to release a little boy out of our care that I knew needed more than what I could give. This was followed by the news that my little boy has autism and will face a different set of struggles in this life than the rest of us. I faced the truth that I couldn’t teach him myself, that I am unable to handle his melt-downs gracefully, that I have to release him completely into the hands of my Father and trust Him to guide me through this unknown territory. I took time off of school with only two classes left because the toll it was taking on my family and I was more than I could handle anymore. And now, I face the truth that I have been so desperately trying to fight for quite some time. Proverbs 16:9 says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” I have planned from the moment we became parents that I wanted to home school my kids. I experience public and private school and I hated them both. A million reasons surrounded this decision, and I was sure it was the right one. I have spent the last year and a half trying to make it work. Despite the fact that my life is far too crazy and unorganized, far too full for me to do it well, I pushed on believing it would work itself out…it would get better. However, its not getting better. I am overwhelmed with the pressure of trying to plan and teach, not simply just teach, but teach well. I wanted to make learning fun for my kids. I wanted to fill them with God’s truth as we learned, I wanted to enjoy watching my children grow in knowledge and truth, however I haven’t been able to do any of those things. I have literally just gotten by at this point. And in the process, I have struggled to be a good mother because the “teacher” had to come first most days. This week I finally caved. I looked up and said, “ I can’t do it anymore God.” With prayer and oh so much guilt and hesitation, I registered my two big kids for school yesterday and they will start Monday. Add this to my very long list of ways I feel I have failed as a mother, as a person. I feel weak, insecure, and so small. Deep down I know none of this is true, I know Satan is trying to keep me down, keep me from realizing who I am in Christ, that all of this anxiety and fear is not of God and not in the slightest bit necessary. However, my heart still aches and I still feel broken.

I also know that this is right where God wants me: Broken and weak. Because it’s only then that I realize just how much I need Christ, how great God is. It’s only then that I get to see His awesome power at work in my life. Oddly enough I am currently reading a book called, “The End of Me”…. I do not believe that is a coincidence. ;) God is stretching me and stripping me down to a place of complete vulnerability, and though it hurts and I am utterly exhausted, I am so grateful that He loves me enough to not leave me as I am. Satan has no hold on my life, I live in the light of the Victorious One. I am a child of the Almighty God and He wants me to be free. Free of guilt, free of my insecurities and fears. In Christ there is only freedom. We can’t embrace that fully until He brings us to our knees and forces us to wrap our arms around its beautiful truth and empty ourselves before Him, letting Him fill all of the cracks in our broken hearts.

           I can’t say I have fully embraced this freedom, though I so desperately want to. I have cried my share of tears this year….this week…. I have called out to Him and asked Him “how?!” And this morning He answered me loud and clear through the beautiful Priscilla Shirer’s words: “ASK for freedom, for release, for the ability to deflect lies and embrace truth”(Fervent, pg.101). Christ says in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” There is a common theme here, and its simple. ASK. So, I am asking. And I will continue asking, not just for me but for my fellow struggling mama’s out there, because I know God is faithful to His promises and He promises freedom for His children. If I am failing to experience that freedom it has nothing to do with Him and everything to do with me. With my inability to fight the Enemies lies. Priscilla further says, “Fear is one of Satan’s primary schemes for crippling God’s people… IF he’s working that hard to keep me from moving forward, there must be some blessing or beauty from heaven he’s trying to divert me from” (Fervent pg. 109).  Well, I don’t know about you, but I sure as heck don’t want to give him anymore power in my life. My God is far bigger and He instructs over 300 times in scripture (thank you again Priscilla for shedding light on this truth) for his people to not to fear, to not to be discouraged… So to anyone else suffering from the ugly voice of Mommy Guilt, there is freedom from it. We don’t have to stay there and let Satan have that hold in our life, keeping us and our families from experiencing the full blessings and freedom of God. We simply just need to ASK. <3 

Day 2 - The Lonely Road of Motherhood

So I warned you all the consistency would be lacking on this little endeavor… in fairness, I had every intention of writing yesterday but my children love me so much they fail to give me a moment alone. ;) Anyways, the topic on my heart yesterday was a little less sarcastic and a lot more serious, which oddly enough was brought up in my newsfeed by another friend as well. I call this one: The Lonely Road.

Now, I can’t speak for those who are in a working environment because I personally haven’t experienced that. However, as a stay at home mother I can tell you that though I have countless friends and acquaintances that also stay home with their kids, I find it is nearly impossible to find anyone who actually has time to spare for a decent friendship. Everyone’s lives are so full, most working some type of job from home, taking care of their homes and families, extracurricular activities etc. No one has any time for simply just talking life with one another. Now, I have seen countless of my friends express their struggles as introverts, lacking a desire to even seek out relationships and time with others. However, I personally am an extrovert, I love people and I am fueled mentally, emotionally and spiritually when I am spending time with others. This is why I am an avid Facebooker, because the lack of personal relationships is so great in the “real world” that my social self cannot mentally handle being detached from society all day, every day, seven days a week. If it wasn’t for my mother, who is by far my dearest friend that I speak with daily, I honestly think I would be in a state of depression due to the lack of fellowship in my life.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have friends, and I love them dearly. I see people all throughout the week at different things such as church, co-op, awana, bible study, heck even my two daycare kiddos parents are some of my closest friends. However, it’s different when you have random conversations here and there and when you actually invest and share life with those around you. I can’t tell you the last time I had someone randomly “check in” with me just to see how my life was going. This is even more disheartening when I’ve poured out my heart to someone about personal struggles and never hear from them about it again. What happened to friendships that allowed for us to not only be each other’s shoulder to cry on, but vessels of encouragement and discipleship? I personally never imagined how difficult it would be to make friends as an adult, and moreover, I never dreamed becoming a mother would prove to be such a lonely venture. I know I am not alone in this feeling either, I see it all over my newsfeed, hear it from friends, and watch the evidence of it in the statistics of mother’s experiencing depression throughout our country. Why is it so hard for us to make time for each other? And if the effects are so devastating, why don’t we make more of an effort to fix the problem?

Personally, I believe this is one of Satan’s many schemes to keep God’s people down. We were wired to have community and the busier life gets, the less God’s people invest in one another. He brings us to a place of isolation, where even the strongest will struggle with depression and discouragement if not careful. I’d say this is where I am thankful for social media, but then again, I wonder if it didn’t exist then we’d be forced to seek out those relationships most of us desire so badly.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

Day 1 - The Shoe Dilemma

It’s that time of year again, the 30 days of thankfulness have begun and I have yet again failed to participate because I am unorganized, forgetful and quite honestly, pretty lazy these days. However, an idea did cross my mind that I thought would be fun to execute… IF I manage to stick with it. ;)  Considering at the top of my thankful list are my 5 (and soon to be 6) beautiful babies, I thought I’d elaborate on the many ways they have managed to make life all the more, uh, colorful. So today I begin my blog series of: “Thirty things I never anticipated when becoming a parent”.   Except its now 9 days into November, so I may or may not attempt to make up for those lost precious days of opportunity… we will just see where this wind decides to blow in the next few weeks. ;)

So with that, I begin by sharing my first unforeseen experience when I dreamt of being a mommy, and that is: The Shoe Dilemma. I never, ever, not even for a second, anticipated the many ways shoes would affect my life as a parent. They are the thorn in my side, my very own personal kryptonite. I cringe at the thought of leaving my house for it is inevitable that at least half of my clan will be missing their shoes. I believe this is why the “10 minute per child” allowance exists for parents whenever they have a place to be, because we will be spending at least that amount of time searching relentlessly for shoes. It doesn’t matter if you purchased your children one pair or a dozen because when they time comes to go anywhere, they will ALL have mysteriously vanished… or at least one of each pair. Who knew that not only does a sock monster exist in our laundry rooms, but his older, much more evil brother the shoe scrounger also creeps around the halls eagerly waiting to devour the next pair of carelessly tossed footwear. Don’t bother buying a shoe tree or rack of some sort. I did that three years ago and to this day it still stands by my front door, a mere distant memory of a so called “great idea” I once had, for friends and strangers to notice and compliment despite its inability to bring any sort of organization to my home.  

So, to you dear sweet friends out there that are awaiting this beautiful journey called parenthood, I promise you this one thing: Tears will be shed, threats of butt whoopins will be made (with no follow through of course), blood pressures will rise, and one’s personal sanity will cease to exist at the mention of the perilous word “shoes”. I don’t care what size home you have, they will vanish. You will search ruthlessly under every bed, behind every piece of furniture, around every inch of your property, but they will not be found….at least not when you need them, and sometimes never at all. Just in this past month alone my girls have lost four pairs of brand new shoes, Elias’ right sneaker has been missing for several weeks, and Spanky is down to one pair of shoes out of the four we have purchased him…. Oh, just seeing that horrible word written down makes my stomach turn, my head ache, and my nerves crawl. Yes, it has become that big of a problem.

Once upon a time, in my blissful youth and naivety, I loved shoes. They were a staple in my life of fashion and self-worth as a young woman. And now, I’m 9 years into parenting and I want to punch the individual who decided going places barefoot was socially unacceptable.  Praise God for the few joyous months of summer when we can relish in the lack of need for footwear… for during the 9 other months of the year I want to burn every shoe store that dares to enter my path. Consider yourselves warned. ;)