Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Snow days, disabilities, crazy mom and unconditional love...

After six days home with the kids, and now going into the 7th, I'm going a little crazy being off a normal routine. It really hasn't been THAT bad, but apart from the normal chaos that exists within such a large family (plus daycare kiddos), adding the pregnancy and its hormones as well as being couped up with two special needs boys, I'm struggling not to lose my cool at this point. God is funny with that though, He never lets me get away with it. On one of the more "ugly" days this week, I randomly pulled a book off my shelf and opened it up. I have no idea why, I was literally in a daze and just trying to focus on anything besides the crazy juice that was getting ready to burst out of my skin. I opened it up to a random page and this is what was highlighted,

"My child does not cause me to be the way I am but rather reveals the way I am. Therefore, when my response is sinful, I must own up to this as my issue...

Our kids to not cause us to sin but reveal our sinful choices. Unconditional love means there is no condition (circumstance or characteristic) that forces us to be harsh, even hateful, toward our children. Jesus taught: " For from within, out of the heart" come our sinful choices, which He lists in great number (Mark 7:21). Our children's disobedience or disrespect does not cause us to react in unloving ways. Our reaction comes from within."

Ouch. Hello ugly, sinful, selfish me. Not my kids. Me. I have said on numerous occasions that parenting is one of God's greatest tools for refinement. He teaches us, breaks us, molds us, stretches us and forces us into corners where we have no choice but to look up and hold tight to the faith we profess.

Landon and Spanky are my greatest "refining fires" right now. Landon's issues are known, and I have mentioned how difficult he can be on his days off, with a lack of structure and routine. Add to that this little boy who, though we have yet to name a specific diagnosis yet, has definite special needs and is developmentally delayed because of his history. Its one thing to be in the dark, navigating the world of autism, and learning to demonstrate patience and love in the midst of some of the most annoying and trying situations I have ever been in. But let’s add to that a little boy who at age 4, often times acts like a 2 year old, both mentally and emotionally, and who cognitively struggles to critically think, often leaving us scratching our heads at the statements and questions he poses. He is the sweetest kid, we love him, and he has a beautiful personality, but like Landon, the sweet side is often overrun by the annoyances and frustrations that frequently occur as a result of their disabilities. With Landon at least I now know WHAT I am working with and I have avenues and places to go for advice and direction. With Spanky we are still trying to figure out what his specific issues are, and that makes it even more difficult to show patience when you are literally at your wits end most days with little advice to go on.  


With that said, being home for 6 days with not only these two kiddos but the 4 + others: along with the sopping wet floors, the piles of wet snow clothes that I have helped put on and take off more times than I can count, the mounds of laundry and dishes, the constant fighting, the over exhaustion that leads to endless and unmerited tears, the spills, the messes, the chaos… simply put, the life that comes with one big crazy family…let’s just say what is “coming forth from my heart” has not been pretty. It’s humbling and at times very discouraging, however I am thankful for a God who doesn’t leave me as I am nor leave me alone in my attempt to overcome these shortcomings. He not only reveals the sin, but showers me with His promises every morning when I take the time to seek Him. He has placed each one of these kids in my life, special needs and all, and because I know nothing with Him is by accident or without purpose, I know He will provide me with just what I need to see it through, one day at a time. AND, if I let Him, He will thus pour into these beautiful kids through me, each with their own unique situation and rise them up to be the amazing people He has created them to be. Here’s to one more day of learning to love unconditionally...and Lord willing "penciling in" a shower. Thank goodness I have a perfect role model to look up to. <3