"When our lives show our humanity, it gives to others the beautiful and much needed permission to be human themselves." - Kim Crandall
It's been a rough few months. Exhausting, discouraging, uncertain, and frustrating to say the least. So, of course, blow ups and break downs are far more likely to occur. Yesterday was one of those REALLY rough days. The baby wouldn't stop fussing, I tried to get the house back in order with 8 kids in tow and it was a futile effort. The bickering, the questioning, the tattling, the NEEDING. By 4:00 I was walking around like a zombie, completely unaware and unmoved by anything and everything going on around me, bouncing the baby as I stared at the mounds of laundry I'd been trying two attack for to hours to no avail.
Then my kids come running in the room saying," MOM! Kyleigh broke the baby gate! she broke it right out of the wall, look! here's the piece!" I then proceed to ask how this happened, to which they replied, "We were trying to get the mattress up the stairs so we could slide down and it broke it!" Now, don't get me wrong... I am a relaxed mom and mattress sliding down the stairs would normally be totally acceptable, BUT, our staircase is very narrow and not quite long enough. We learned early on that it just wasn't doable so I told the kids (more than once) not to do it anymore. I say this to explain my reaction just a little better (not that it justifies it).
I turned to look at them, stared at them with the look of complete disappointment and anger and said, " Well thanks guys. Thanks so much. Because once again you broke something that I don't have the money to replace. Just add that to the list! You know, the ever growing one of lost shoes, broken cabinets and doors, the fan I can't replace, and everything else in the dang house. Go ahead, go on and break the rest of our crap, you're going to anyways! Go, get out of here." - Yep, that happened. Shamefully so. My poor kids looked so crushed, their little spirits deflated right in front of me. The all immediately apologized, several times, to which I replied with a very hard and unconvincing, "It's FINE!" All but Landon walked away. None of them can handle when mommy is upset, especially when its with them. They immediately try to fix it. Landon kept saying, "I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry. Can I help you? Can i cook dinner?" Kyleigh went off to plan a way to lift my spirits, and Hayden took Elias outside to write "Happy Anniversary" in the dirt for me (its not our anniversary, but to her, this was a special way to aplogize ;) ). I broke down at the stove as the guilt slowly suffocated me.
What a crappy mom I am. Who does that? Who purposely guilts their kids like that? It's not their fault everything is so rough right now. It's not their fault finances are tight or that the baby is fussy and making me lose my mind. And they are just kids, why on earth do I hold them to such high expectations? Well, because I clearly suck as a mother and human being all together, obviously.
You want to know how else I suck? I am so prideful that apologies are far and few from my mouth. I generally feel justified in my reactions, and it takes a lot of me to say I'm sorry. (this is true in my marriage, and my poor husband has patiently endured this for 12 years). And even when I do force an apology out its like I just shot myself in the gut. It hurts. I absolutely hate it. And quite honestly, I only half heartedly mean it most of the time.
My book recently pointed out that the key to overcoming this "mom guilt" is to live in the gospel daily. We always attempt to "try harder" and "do better".I don't know about all of you, but this rarely ever goes well for me. I just continue to fail and fall short. So her challenge? To LIVE in the gospel daily. We are forgiven already. We are covered in grace. My blow ups, shortcomings and ugly words are nailed to the cross. Its done. And not only has Christ already forgiven me, but my kids never fail to cover me in forgiveness as well.
I turned to them all when they came back in, and, with oh so much effort, I forced myself to show humility and apologized to my kids for my reaction. Kyleigh immediately said, "NO MOM! you don't need to be sorry! we were the ones that were wrong." (ugh, ouch) I replied, " No, even if what you guys did was wrong, mommy was wrong in how she reacted, and I am sorry." D.J. quickly came back with the words, "its ok mommy, I forgive you." My skin crawled at the words. My pride shot through the roof and I had to fight it back. My flesh said, "YOU forgive ME?!" Its in the moments where you realize just how ugly we are, and how desperately we need Christ's forgiveness and grace. I hope the more I force this, the more God works, the easier this apology and humility thing gets, because its just another thing I "suck at".
My daughter went out with her daddy last night and came home with three things: Trash bags, a huge chocolate bar, and two boxes of bacon. She bought them for me. I needed trash bags, I love chocolate, and though the bacon was "for everyone" I do believe she had ulterior motives there LOL. She bought them with the very money she spent the past two days earning. I argued with her telling her I didn't want her to use her money, but she stubbornly insisted. I was humbled. Even after being a crappy mom and making her feel small and hurt earlier in the day, she showed me grace. I adore my kids. They drive me crazy, but they are amazing, and some of the best examples of Christ's love in my life. I share this to encourage anyone else who feels like an awful mom. You aren't alone. And its because of those very ugly moments that Christ died for us. So we could live in His finished work, in His freedom, and rest in His strength, even on the worst of days.
"In my self -focused pursuit to prove myself worthy, I had forgotten about GOd's sovereignty and His perfect plan for our family: he gives us the exact children he wants us to have for our joy as well as our growth. He also gives our kids exactly the mothers they need; he uses our strengths AND our weaknesses to help them grow. When I measure myself against God's law, I am indeed a bad mom, and my need drives me to depend fully on Christ as my hope and strength. As mothers, we can't ever be enough for our children. Only Christ can meet their every need perfectly. Our hope as mothers should be in Him an His redeeming work, not our own work. Praise the Lord for the fact that we can do that!" - Kim Crandall
