I signed up for a class this fall for the first time in a
year. It was looking like everything was going to work out perfectly, my class
even ends in October and my daycare kiddos don’t start until then so the timing
was perfect. The end was in sight. Two classes left and an internship and I
would graduate in May. After over 10 years of working toward this degree, I was
FINALLY going to be done. But, if there is one thing I can say with absolute
certainty about this year…and last… its that nothing is going to be smooth.
Nothing will work out as I expected it to. So whenever I get side swiped by
unexpected circumstances, I don’t know why it still leaves me standing there
like a broken and lost puppy.
I apparently broke enrollment by taking a year off, so I was
told to re-apply. What I was not told is that this would now put me on the
current year’s degree completion plan… and with that, my class load tripled. I
now am looking at 6 more classes and an internship, rather than two. I wanted
to cry at this news, but we had family over and I had to push it all back
inside and wait for a moment… a moment that never came. Last night was spent waking up
far too often with babies, and this morning I missed the alarm so I only got
about 15 minutes of quiet time before my kids started rolling in. I attempted
to go back after breakfast and read more, but they won’t have it. So, the tears
are sitting behind my eyelids waiting to burst out at the next “opportune time”.
In the meantime, I found myself venting to God in my head this morning. The
reason I stepped away from school last year was to focus all my energy and
attention on my family. I was worn down and overloaded so I listened to God’s
call on my heart to take a step back and let go of the “extras” that were
wearing me out so I could give my family what they needed. So, I was admittedly
angry with God this morning as I felt I was being “screwed over” for walking in
obedience. We know that’s not how He works. I KNOW there is a reason, and hey, they
could accept my appeal and let me go back to my original degree completion plan
with no issues. However, though that is my hope, I couldn’t help but feel God
saying one thing in response to all my whining and complaining… “But if they
don’t, if you have to take those four extra classes, will you be ok with that?”
This is the theme lately. “If the house doesn’t sell and you have to stay there
longer, will you be ok with that?” “If Lynchburg is where I want you to be, are
you ok with that?” “If I don’t want you to do foster care for a while, will you
be ok with that?” “If this is your last baby, are you ok with that?” “If all
you want is not what I want for you right now, ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?” – (insert
my post yesterday about feeling like the pieces of my life are all scattered up
in the air and I am waiting down here with no real sense of direction or
answers to my many MANY questions. )
Am I ok with that… with any of it… I think all of that comes
down to how much I trust my life in the hands of the Almighty. My response this
morning was yes God, if this is what you want and that is the outcome that
plays out, I will be ok with that. I won’t like it, but I will trust You. The
thought of it made my heart hurt and my stomach drop, but I have to ask myself
if I really believe in the promises of God’s word. Then this morning, even
though I had so little time in the Word, God gave me this perfect nugget of
truth to comfort me today:
“How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as
he hears you, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of
adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more.
With your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the
left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying: “This is the way; walk in
it.” – Isaiah 30: 19-22
Lysa Terkeurst added: “If we want His direction for our
decisions, the great cravings of our souls must not only be the big moments of
assignments. They must also be the seemingly small instructions in the most
ordinary of moments when God points His Spirit finger saying, “Go there”.
Ok God, I’ll go there. I don’t get it, it kinda sucks, but I
trust You. However this pans out, whatever tomorrow looks like, I trust You. <3
