So I haven’t forgotten my
30 day writing challenge of “30 things I didn’t expect when becoming a parent”.
In fact, this week I have been dealing head on with the absolute worst item on
that very list. It’s such a struggle for me that rather than elaborate on all
of the other silly things that I didn’t expect as a parent, I am going to
simply forget my challenge and write one emotional post about this topic alone.
Mommy Guilt. This is my prison. I
live under its rule most every day. I worry, stress, and fear over my potential
to fail my kids as a mother. I feel like everything I do is never enough, I
take all the blame for anything wrong in their lives and never embrace the good
in them as a reflection of my efforts. My greatest fear, the one thing that
cripples me emotionally and mentally most days, is that one day I will look
back or stare in the faces of my children and wish I had done things
differently. That I will regret my decisions or that my decisions for their
lives cause them any sort of pain or harm. I find I spend most days failing to
properly parent because I feel so guilty for not giving them enough time, enough
affection, enough scripture, enough wisdom, enough of ME. I live in a state of
feeling like I am never enough and my efforts always fall short. It’s
exhausting and emotionally crippling. And though I recognize its hold in my
life and I know very well who is responsible for its presence, I feel hopeless
to overcome it.
2015 is coming to a close
and I have already declared this year to be looked back upon as the year of my “I
can’t do its”. God has slowly stripped me down these past 10 months, revealing
to me just how incredibly weak I really am, that I do not possess any type of “super
powers”, that I am just one person and I cannot wear a million hats and I can definitely
not wear them well if I try. The year started with me facing a giant heartbreak
in having to release a little boy out of our care that I knew needed more than
what I could give. This was followed by the news that my little boy has autism
and will face a different set of struggles in this life than the rest of us. I
faced the truth that I couldn’t teach him myself, that I am unable to handle
his melt-downs gracefully, that I have to release him completely into the hands
of my Father and trust Him to guide me through this unknown territory. I took
time off of school with only two classes left because the toll it was taking on
my family and I was more than I could handle anymore. And now, I face the truth
that I have been so desperately trying to fight for quite some time. Proverbs
16:9 says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his
steps.” I have planned from the moment we became parents that I wanted to home
school my kids. I experience public and private school and I hated them both. A
million reasons surrounded this decision, and I was sure it was the right one.
I have spent the last year and a half trying to make it work. Despite the fact
that my life is far too crazy and unorganized, far too full for me to do it
well, I pushed on believing it would work itself out…it would get better.
However, its not getting better. I am overwhelmed with the pressure of trying
to plan and teach, not simply just teach, but teach well. I wanted to make
learning fun for my kids. I wanted to fill them with God’s truth as we learned,
I wanted to enjoy watching my children grow in knowledge and truth, however I
haven’t been able to do any of those things. I have literally just gotten by at
this point. And in the process, I have struggled to be a good mother because
the “teacher” had to come first most days. This week I finally caved. I looked
up and said, “ I can’t do it anymore God.” With prayer and oh so much guilt and
hesitation, I registered my two big kids for school yesterday and they will
start Monday. Add this to my very long list of ways I feel I have failed as a
mother, as a person. I feel weak, insecure, and so small. Deep down I know none
of this is true, I know Satan is trying to keep me down, keep me from realizing
who I am in Christ, that all of this anxiety and fear is not of God and not in
the slightest bit necessary. However, my heart still aches and I still feel
broken.
I also know that this is
right where God wants me: Broken and weak. Because it’s only then that I
realize just how much I need Christ, how great God is. It’s only then that I
get to see His awesome power at work in my life. Oddly enough I am currently
reading a book called, “The End of Me”…. I do not believe that is a coincidence.
;) God is stretching me and stripping me down to a place of complete vulnerability,
and though it hurts and I am utterly exhausted, I am so grateful that He loves
me enough to not leave me as I am. Satan has no hold on my life, I live in the
light of the Victorious One. I am a child of the Almighty God and He wants me
to be free. Free of guilt, free of my insecurities and fears. In Christ there
is only freedom. We can’t embrace that fully until He brings us to our knees
and forces us to wrap our arms around its beautiful truth and empty ourselves
before Him, letting Him fill all of the cracks in our broken hearts.
I can’t say I have fully embraced this
freedom, though I so desperately want to. I have cried my share of tears this
year….this week…. I have called out to Him and asked Him “how?!” And this
morning He answered me loud and clear through the beautiful Priscilla Shirer’s
words: “ASK for freedom, for release, for the ability to deflect lies and
embrace truth”(Fervent, pg.101). Christ says in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be
given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
There is a common theme here, and its simple. ASK. So, I am asking. And I will
continue asking, not just for me but for my fellow struggling mama’s out there,
because I know God is faithful to His promises and He promises freedom for His children.
If I am failing to experience that freedom it has nothing to do with Him and
everything to do with me. With my inability to fight the Enemies lies.
Priscilla further says, “Fear is one of Satan’s primary schemes for crippling
God’s people… IF he’s working that hard to keep me from moving forward, there
must be some blessing or beauty from heaven he’s trying to divert me from”
(Fervent pg. 109). Well, I don’t know
about you, but I sure as heck don’t want to give him anymore power in my life.
My God is far bigger and He instructs over 300 times in scripture (thank you
again Priscilla for shedding light on this truth) for his people to not to fear,
to not to be discouraged… So to anyone else suffering from the ugly voice of
Mommy Guilt, there is freedom from it. We don’t have to stay there and let
Satan have that hold in our life, keeping us and our families from experiencing
the full blessings and freedom of God. We simply just need to ASK. <3
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