Is God REALLY good? After almost 2 years of feeling as
though we have been dragged through the mud, I found myself pondering this
question over and over again. I can’t remember if it was a book or a
devotional, but recently I read something that discussed the fact that our
faith rests in God’s sovereignty and His goodness. I sat there and thought
aloud, “I don’t question His sovereignty, I KNOW He is in control of
everything. In fact, it’s this knowing that has caused my faith to waiver. If
He is in control, why has life been so hard? Why does it seem as though He is
silent towards all of my requests and needs… heck, not even silent half the
time, but coming back at me with a booming NO. My struggle is not in the truth
of his sovereignty, but in my belief of whether or not He is truly good.
We have tried to lay all we have at His feet, though I know
many days we fail miserably. But our hearts are always set on Him, always
desiring to do His will and be His hands and feet. We give when there is a
need, we love when there is opportunity, we trust when things are shaky and
bleak. Yet, after two years of heartache, disappointment, and struggle, I find
myself wrestling like Jacob with my Savior. I find myself walking with a limp upon receiving the injuries during this daily
wrestling match.
I fell in love with a little boy, spent two years hearing him call me mommy, was given the opportunity to make him mine forever, and God said NO. The pain of him driving away with tears streaming down his face has not dulled even after a year. I graduated college after a very long haul to get there, got my dream job and worked with so many amazingly beautiful kids, only for God to also take that away, 3 months after losing my little boy. We have seen our bank account hit zero, and even the negatives, more times in the past 2 years than I believe we had in the previous 10 combined. Our cars have been in the shop more than we have had them, our house has had leaks from pretty much any water source we could imagine, and it feels as though every day we wake up to a new broken item that we can’t afford to fix.
In January, beaten and worn , after much prayer and discussion, Dave and I believed God laid it on our hearts to pursue a change and move to Florida. It was time for him to leave his job, I was done with life in Lynchburg, we desperately needed a bigger house (or even just one more bathroom!), our kids needed a better school district, we knew I needed to work less and be home more, and something was pulling us towards Florida, though we still didn’t know what. So we prayed. Fervently. Passionately. Desperately. For 6 months we pursued countless job opportunities and prayed unceasingly. And though several opportunities came as well as many disappointments, and even a solid offer was given, we had no peace. We were left utterly confused and even a bit bitter. Through this time, our financial situation just worsened by the day. Finally, God answered and provided a wonderful job opportunity, with everything we needed…. But it was in Lynchburg. We had peace, we knew it was where Dave needed to be, but my heart was both broken and even more hardened as a result.
This summer was one of the most difficult I’ve ever had. Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. And as we approach the new school year, a time where I had pictured myself and my family settled in a new home, with a new job in new place…. I find myself in the exact same place that we started the year. Same home. Same school district. Still working just as much. Still financially strapped. The only change being Dave’s job.
I fell in love with a little boy, spent two years hearing him call me mommy, was given the opportunity to make him mine forever, and God said NO. The pain of him driving away with tears streaming down his face has not dulled even after a year. I graduated college after a very long haul to get there, got my dream job and worked with so many amazingly beautiful kids, only for God to also take that away, 3 months after losing my little boy. We have seen our bank account hit zero, and even the negatives, more times in the past 2 years than I believe we had in the previous 10 combined. Our cars have been in the shop more than we have had them, our house has had leaks from pretty much any water source we could imagine, and it feels as though every day we wake up to a new broken item that we can’t afford to fix.
In January, beaten and worn , after much prayer and discussion, Dave and I believed God laid it on our hearts to pursue a change and move to Florida. It was time for him to leave his job, I was done with life in Lynchburg, we desperately needed a bigger house (or even just one more bathroom!), our kids needed a better school district, we knew I needed to work less and be home more, and something was pulling us towards Florida, though we still didn’t know what. So we prayed. Fervently. Passionately. Desperately. For 6 months we pursued countless job opportunities and prayed unceasingly. And though several opportunities came as well as many disappointments, and even a solid offer was given, we had no peace. We were left utterly confused and even a bit bitter. Through this time, our financial situation just worsened by the day. Finally, God answered and provided a wonderful job opportunity, with everything we needed…. But it was in Lynchburg. We had peace, we knew it was where Dave needed to be, but my heart was both broken and even more hardened as a result.
This summer was one of the most difficult I’ve ever had. Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. And as we approach the new school year, a time where I had pictured myself and my family settled in a new home, with a new job in new place…. I find myself in the exact same place that we started the year. Same home. Same school district. Still working just as much. Still financially strapped. The only change being Dave’s job.
I’ve been in a relationship with Christ since I was 11. I’ve
been through many difficult seasons, and even been angry at God a time or two. However,
this is the first time I have ever questioned His goodness. I spent countless
times by my oldest son’s bed last year, listening to him cry because of his
personal struggles with kids at school and the need for good friends. He spent
the whole school year isolated, not one good friend in his class. We were
waiting for the post card to arrive letting us know who his teacher was and if
his best friend would be in his class this year. He was so desperate. I knew
the right thing to do was to pray with him about it and to encourage him to do
so, but I refused. I refused to set him up to experience the disappointment I
had felt for so long. God’s answer had been no for 2 years, I wasn’t going to
set my son up to receive that no and then have to try and give the yay old
Christian response of “ Well honey, God has a reason. He is in control. He
works all things out for the good of those who love Him.” Because, I personally
wasn’t sure I really believed it anymore. And yet, as he was sharing his fears
during one of our car rides, I quietly prayed, “Ok God. I’m going to tell him
to pray, to ask you for this one thing. This is my mustard seed. Even though my
faith is weak, hear the plea of my son and his innocent and childlike faith, and
please let this friend be in his class.” I then told him to pray with me. We
did. That same night, we found out this friend was not in his class. Another
no. Another disappointment. Another place on my heart hardened. I comforted him
with the cliché response, but inwardly I was seething and bitter.
Katie Davis is one of my favorite people. Her faith and her
life changed me when I read her book several years ago. Last year she put out a
new book, and I was eagerly anticipating it. However, something kept me from
buying it. I always read books that I feel God leading me to, and 9 out of 10
times, they are exactly what I need for that time in my life. So I waited. It’s
been a year since she released it and the other day I decided now was the time.
I bought it, but then decided to wait to start it because I had too many books
I was working through right now. However, a few days ago I decided I needed it
now. I needed a 3rd world perspective in the midst of my first world
complaints. I needed to be reminded that my struggles and my frustrations pale
in comparison to so many around the world. I needed to be reminded to shut up
and suck it up, and be grateful for what I have.
The book begins with my story. One of the girls Katie fostered, lived with her for 2 years (just like my boy), and when it came time to adopt, God said no (just like he did for me). Katie watched her little girl drive away and has been forced to see her now calling another woman mommy. Katie Davis, one of my greatest spiritual mentors, was struggling to believe God was good. Just.Like.Me.
I am still working through the book. Still wrestling with my anger and weak faith towards God. However, even in the simple steps of purchasing this long awaited book, its timing, its relevance to my life, and its raw and authentic truth….I see God’s goodness. I see that He is there. He is listening, and though I still have so much healing and growth to go through, I am so thankful for His patience with me. For the fact that he pursues me, even when I am wrestling to get out of his embrace. Just like my kids when the run off and slam their doors, screaming and angry at me for not giving them what they want or understanding them. He holds me as I tantrum and question His heart.
Katie says in her book, “A faith that trusts Him only when the ending is good is a fickle faith. A faith that trusts Him regardless of the outcome is real….” And further, “In the wrestling He makes us who we are meant to be in Him. It isn’t easy and it isn’t pain free, but it can be glorious. In the wrestling we get to be right up next to our strong Father and tangibly know the truth that He does not let go. He will not let go. We walk wounded, like Jacob, but we have seen the face of God in our pain, and we have encountered a new kind of intimacy with the one who holds our hearts in His We walk away scarred, but we are stronger and we are renamed: HIS.” – Katie Davis, Dare to Hope
This is already ridiculously long and most won’t read it I’m sure, but I felt the need to share. So often all we see and hear from Christians is how good God is, and living in the Bible belt, I hear so many of the usual Christian clichés and jargon that quite honestly I get sick of it myself. Sometimes the world just needs to see us wrestle, to know what walking with Christ looks like. It’s not simple, we don’t always trust and believe what we say we do, our faith waivers, we get angry at the God we profess about, and it’s just downright tough. Deep down I KNOW He is good, but right now it’s a constant struggle to believe and live that daily. <3
The book begins with my story. One of the girls Katie fostered, lived with her for 2 years (just like my boy), and when it came time to adopt, God said no (just like he did for me). Katie watched her little girl drive away and has been forced to see her now calling another woman mommy. Katie Davis, one of my greatest spiritual mentors, was struggling to believe God was good. Just.Like.Me.
I am still working through the book. Still wrestling with my anger and weak faith towards God. However, even in the simple steps of purchasing this long awaited book, its timing, its relevance to my life, and its raw and authentic truth….I see God’s goodness. I see that He is there. He is listening, and though I still have so much healing and growth to go through, I am so thankful for His patience with me. For the fact that he pursues me, even when I am wrestling to get out of his embrace. Just like my kids when the run off and slam their doors, screaming and angry at me for not giving them what they want or understanding them. He holds me as I tantrum and question His heart.
Katie says in her book, “A faith that trusts Him only when the ending is good is a fickle faith. A faith that trusts Him regardless of the outcome is real….” And further, “In the wrestling He makes us who we are meant to be in Him. It isn’t easy and it isn’t pain free, but it can be glorious. In the wrestling we get to be right up next to our strong Father and tangibly know the truth that He does not let go. He will not let go. We walk wounded, like Jacob, but we have seen the face of God in our pain, and we have encountered a new kind of intimacy with the one who holds our hearts in His We walk away scarred, but we are stronger and we are renamed: HIS.” – Katie Davis, Dare to Hope
This is already ridiculously long and most won’t read it I’m sure, but I felt the need to share. So often all we see and hear from Christians is how good God is, and living in the Bible belt, I hear so many of the usual Christian clichés and jargon that quite honestly I get sick of it myself. Sometimes the world just needs to see us wrestle, to know what walking with Christ looks like. It’s not simple, we don’t always trust and believe what we say we do, our faith waivers, we get angry at the God we profess about, and it’s just downright tough. Deep down I KNOW He is good, but right now it’s a constant struggle to believe and live that daily. <3
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