We choose our reactions, our circumstances don't cause them.

I find myself continually opening up this book I recently finished, searching for little snippets to keep me encouraged throughout the day. I feel like many of us read something encouraging or even just simply find random motivation to “do better” and “try harder” each day, but it is so quickly snuffed out by the presence of failure that we go right back to our negative cycles, never finding our way out. This is me…For the past 9 years. I feel like I am always trying to overcome my tendency as a mother to get annoyed and flustered when the continual mishaps, messes, and interruptions ruin yet again another day.  I feel like I am always treading water, desperately searching for the joy I so desperately desire. I often look around me and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. “WHY is this so hard? Why do they annoy me so bad? Why am I so desperate for them to leave me alone more often than I want them to be around me?” I have read several books on the topic of motherhood/parenting, and this one was no different when it came to the heart of the problem. The problem is NOT my kids. The problem is NOT my circumstances. Sure, it would be much easier to be joyful if my kids would be perfect little obedient and peaceful angels, but that in no way describes a child. And sure, my  mood would be much better if my house stayed cleaner, I had more help, my back didn’t ache, I wasn’t so tired, our finances weren’t so tight, etc. etc. etc. We could all list a million reasons we have to be grumpy and short fused. But the reality of it is, it all comes down to ME. I am the one in charge of how I respond to the circumstances and people around me. I cannot change them. The only thing I have control over is how I deal with them. And truth be told, the reason they all annoy and frustrate me so much is because, well, they are interrupting MY plans, MY day, MY desires. Me Me Me… The root of my problem is selfishness. I love the authors take on our daily “interruptions”:

“There will always be interruptions and obstacles to accomplishing our dreams. You know what? They are blessings! If life was a steady flow of unobstructed pathways, how would we ever learn or grow, or understand the depth of the beauty that surrounds us? There is great value in having to learn to jump a hurdle or move a huge block out of the way.” – Lisa Pennington

Lisa, the author of the book, further encourages her readers to pause in the midst of those interruptions, breathe, pray, and try to not only realize its NOT REALLY that big of a deal, but also to bring humor to the situation, because laughing ALWAYS, without fail, brings joy to a situation.

Now, I was a little skeptical of this advice at first because, well, I know most if not all of you have days like me where it feels like a domino effect and everything that CAN go wrong, DOES go wrong. To try and muster up humor and keep myself from becoming crazy hulk mom again seems utterly impossible. But, this lady has 9 kids and has home schooled them all so I figured it was worth a shot to at least give her advice a try.

So today, my normally very stressful morning of breakfast/lunch prep, getting the kids ready to head to school and trying to bathe and prep the littles because we had to be at Spanky’s visit by 9, went exactly as it always does…except, it was enjoyable. I randomly broke out into song over something that would have normally had me screeching at a child. Singing and some added belly shaking as I tried to imply that the baby was enjoying my solo even if the other 5 were staring at me liked I’d fallen of the crazy wagon. ( No joke, 5 sets of eyes, all in dead stare as I shake and sing around the kitchen, though Elias tried to give me a pity dance in support). Then, we did devotions for the first time in weeks together…. Five minutes before we had to be at the bus stop, but I let go of how I THOUGHT it should go and just let it happen is it could. We discussed it briefly, pointed out the key points and ran (or hobbled in my case) to the bus stop. I randomly called out every 30 seconds with a pathetic “Ima comin!!  Have a great day if you leave before I get there! I’ll still be here!” All three kids were laughing, and sweet DJ even attempted to come back and help me. Then we prayed together, on the corner of our street right before the bus came. Precious.

I came back, finished getting the kids ready and rather than become irritated with their lack of follow through to my initial requests, I tried to make it fun. I made everything a race. Getting dressed, cleaning up their place at the table, getting shoes on, and even getting in the car and buckling. It made it fun, and wouldn’t ya know, it made it all happen efficiently. ;)  Now… here is where Satan really tried to “ruffle my feathers”. Let me yet again quote Lisa before I continue:

“Getting into the van may not look like you thought it should, but that doesn’t mean its wrong. It can be filled with joy.”

Says the woman of 9 children, who absolutely can relate to my frustrations this morning. We were already cutting  it close to getting to the visit on time, and as I go to strap Charlie in, I realize someone had completely undone her car seat. Ugh. So I had to buckle it back in with her in the seat, which is twice has difficult. Then, where SPanky or Hayden usually help me buckle Gabriel in the back, the buckle was of course twisted this morning and they couldn’t get it. Great. Bum knee, fat belly, sure, let me climb to the back and fix the stupid buckle. I painfully did so and crawled up to my own seat. I then kept telling myself to NOT forget to stop in Kroger to pick up flowers for birth mom… I said it like 3 times ya’ll… but wouldn’t ya know, I went into mommy la la land one minute before passing Kroger and completely forgot to turn. So I had to find a place to turn around… a mile up the road, and get back there asap, while still being on an ever decreasing time limit. We finally get downtown, with minutes to spare, only to sit there for another 10 minutes because birth mom was late. 10 minutes in a stationary car with 5 kids under 4…no Bueno. But alas, what would have normally derailed my day, ended up going smoothly and without the typical frustration, anger, and yelling. Simply because I paused, remembered its NOT that big of a deal if we are late, and we started singing and being silly on the way there, bringing the mood and atmosphere back to a more joyful level. When we got there, rather than barking at them to stay seated, which of course would be EASIER, I allowed them to unbuckle and freely move in the car while we waited.

Later on, I had a messy house. Rather than be overwhelmed and attempt to kick them all outside (fighting them every five minutes to GET OUT OF MY WAY AND OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!) I chose one thing to focus on, the dishes, told them to play for a bit outside until lunch, and watched them through the window as I worked. It was not without interruptions, but I listened, answered, and joked with them the whole time, making it much more bearable. Then, I forced myself to really stop after the dishes wer done and to take a few minutes, despite the fifty things screaming at me that needed to be done, and I played three games with them outside, resting my leg while I was at it. Two birds, one stone. They had an absolute blast, so much so that Spanky came up and hugged me and told me he loved me at least 5 times throughout the games. Just because I was spending time with them… ENJOYING them. It meant the world to them, and I have to admit, it brought my own mood and heart up to a level I haven’t seen mid day in a long time. ;)

I then excused myself, returned to finish a few duties before it was time to tuck them all in. The normal resistance that would occur because of nap time was avoided because I promised a story if they quickly got ready for naps. Then, I allowed the tickle monster to join us and chased them each to their beds, complete with a belly feast and burrito baby finish. They went down like angels.

Naptime was heavenly. I propped my leg, which has been quite irritating lately, but rather than get annoyed, I ate, chilled and regrouped before heading back to put the house back together. I folded the mounds of laundry that normally overwhelm and frustrate me, and used it as an opportunity to pray for the what seems like endless prayer requests that I am aware of. I spent time talking to God, in the quiet of my day, rather than becoming so wrapped up with the to-do’s and frustrations of the day, the things that normally keep my eyes in front of me rather than above me.

This has been by far one of the BEST days I’ve had in a while, and the only thing that changed was my attitude and perspective. My kids were still doing the same things they always do, my house was just as messy, my to-do list just as long, and my leg and back are in just as much pain, but I chose to make the most of every moment, adding humor and fun rather than succumbing to the growing feelings of frustration because things were going the way “I wanted them to”. I realize this is long, but I share it because I know that I am not alone in this struggle. It seems to be plaguing just about everyone I know, parent or not.

Lisa states, “Every time our expectations get derailed ,we have a choice. To move forward with joy or to go into a fuss and get mad. We can fight what God wants us to learn from the changes, or we can give over to peace that, not to be cliché, passes understanding. We can be controlled by our immediate reaction, or we can stop and give it thought and purpose.”

Though every day we can look around us and see SO MANY THINGS that are wrong with our lives, I assure you, that if we choose to rather look around and see the MILLIONS of things that surround us that are beautiful and good, we will already have a completely different attitude. Like anything else, it takes time to change. Tomorrow I will probably fail, but my hope is that rather than give up and fall back into my normal, negative, grumpy and joyless cycle, I will simply let the moment (or day) pass, embrace the grace that I have already been given, and try again. With God ALL THINGS are possible. I want to enjoy this beautiful life He has given me,  and that is absolutely possible if I just let go of myself and embrace what’s in front of me. <3

My Storm and all its Ugly...

Music is my soul medicine. I know not everyone feels that way, but many of you can relate to how it just speaks to the depths of you. God always seems to send just the right song at just the right time too, often times penetrating my heart and literally splitting it in two. Today, as I am in the depths of my current valley, the darkest place in my storm, I started making a cup of coffee and this song came on. My eyes welled up, my heart broke open, and I sat down and just cried the words out to God.

"Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all. When the mountain looks so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shakin' like a leaf, You have been king of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace."

 Yes, at a time when my heart cannot possibly take anymore, when I feel so broken and my emotions are so mixed up that I have no idea what to feel, all I can cry out is Hold me Jesus… Be my Prince of Peace. God has been working in my life fervently this past year. I have learned so much, felt so much, and grown so much. Because of that, I knew something was coming. When I read through the book Fervent, after finishing up Screw Tape Letters, both discussing the hand of Satan in our lives, I knew it was only a matter of time before my life would be turned upside down. I didn’t know what, but I was certain it was coming. And now, here I sit, in the midst of the well anticipated storm, utterly shattered and trying to find my way out. It is the most ugly and yet beautiful thing to experience utter defeat and humility. The hard times really do force us on our knees. Its like our bodies cannot even bare to stand on two feet, with trembling knees we feel the urge to fall flat our faces and seek God’s face, His presence, His peace, His assurance, when all else in our lives doesn’t seem to make sense. Its when all those things we preach during the “good times” are truly tested, and we see just how strong, or weak, our faith really is. I have seen so much ugly in myself, so much immaturity. His light shines in the darkness and reveals all the dirt. A few weeks ago I wrote down several of God’s promises: His promises about loving me, his faithfulness, His deliverance, that He hears me and will provide the desires of my heart, etc… This weekend, in the pit of my ugly, I read over them again and wanted to throw the book against the wall. I looked up and just asked,” where are you? Really? You say all this and yet I see none of it right now. Where is this peace you promise? I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel your presence. I feel angry and defeated and without hope in this situation. What do you want from me?” If you’ve ever had those moments, then you may also resonate with the inner fear that comes with questioning the Almighty God. As the words came out of my mouth I sat there and prayed further for Him to forgive me and not rain hell over me for my lack of respect and faith. (Not that He does that, He is ever so patient and loving, it never fails to amaze me). I still have no answers. I have no real purpose in sharing this except to simply show that despite how things appear, we are all battling something.

 Life is so hard. Even those of us who try desperately to spread hope and encouragement are gurgling the water as we try not to drown in our brokenness and despair. Despite my questions. Despite my lack of peace at this very moment, I still know my God is good. He is here. He is working. I don’t understand it, His ways are not mine, His thoughts are greater, His plans so much bigger. I wish I could rest in that as easy as I can say it. But one day at a time, I seek Him, I cry out to Him, I pour out my heart and I wait.

 I read the other day something that literally rocked me, if I can sound like a hipster Christian for a minute. Timothy Keller pointed out that, “We humans may say, “Let there be light in this room, but then we have to flick on a switch or light a candle. Our words need deeds to back them up and can fail to achieve their purposes. God’s words, however, cannot fail their purposes because, for God, speaking and acting are the same thing. The God of the Bible is a God who “by his very nature acts through speaking”. When the Bible talks of God’s Word, then, it is talking of God’s active presence in the world.” Isaiah 55:11 says, “So is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it”. With that, rather than throw the book with all those beautiful promises written out, I sit here, soak up and meditate on every word and attempt to rest in them. Because they aren’t just words, they aren’t just promises, they simply ARE.

 “You have kept count of my tossings; put all my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?... This I know, that God is for me.” Psalm 56:8-9

“But the Lord is with me, like a mighty warrior.” – Jeremiah 17:7

“He will restore me, he will make me strong, firm and steadfast.” – 1 Peter 5:10

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you WILL SEE the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.” – Exodus 14:13-14

“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him... Do not fret, it only causes harm.” Psalm 37:7-8

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust…” Psalm 40:8

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” – Psalm 40:1-2

Snow days, disabilities, crazy mom and unconditional love...

After six days home with the kids, and now going into the 7th, I'm going a little crazy being off a normal routine. It really hasn't been THAT bad, but apart from the normal chaos that exists within such a large family (plus daycare kiddos), adding the pregnancy and its hormones as well as being couped up with two special needs boys, I'm struggling not to lose my cool at this point. God is funny with that though, He never lets me get away with it. On one of the more "ugly" days this week, I randomly pulled a book off my shelf and opened it up. I have no idea why, I was literally in a daze and just trying to focus on anything besides the crazy juice that was getting ready to burst out of my skin. I opened it up to a random page and this is what was highlighted,

"My child does not cause me to be the way I am but rather reveals the way I am. Therefore, when my response is sinful, I must own up to this as my issue...

Our kids to not cause us to sin but reveal our sinful choices. Unconditional love means there is no condition (circumstance or characteristic) that forces us to be harsh, even hateful, toward our children. Jesus taught: " For from within, out of the heart" come our sinful choices, which He lists in great number (Mark 7:21). Our children's disobedience or disrespect does not cause us to react in unloving ways. Our reaction comes from within."

Ouch. Hello ugly, sinful, selfish me. Not my kids. Me. I have said on numerous occasions that parenting is one of God's greatest tools for refinement. He teaches us, breaks us, molds us, stretches us and forces us into corners where we have no choice but to look up and hold tight to the faith we profess.

Landon and Spanky are my greatest "refining fires" right now. Landon's issues are known, and I have mentioned how difficult he can be on his days off, with a lack of structure and routine. Add to that this little boy who, though we have yet to name a specific diagnosis yet, has definite special needs and is developmentally delayed because of his history. Its one thing to be in the dark, navigating the world of autism, and learning to demonstrate patience and love in the midst of some of the most annoying and trying situations I have ever been in. But let’s add to that a little boy who at age 4, often times acts like a 2 year old, both mentally and emotionally, and who cognitively struggles to critically think, often leaving us scratching our heads at the statements and questions he poses. He is the sweetest kid, we love him, and he has a beautiful personality, but like Landon, the sweet side is often overrun by the annoyances and frustrations that frequently occur as a result of their disabilities. With Landon at least I now know WHAT I am working with and I have avenues and places to go for advice and direction. With Spanky we are still trying to figure out what his specific issues are, and that makes it even more difficult to show patience when you are literally at your wits end most days with little advice to go on.  

With that said, being home for 6 days with not only these two kiddos but the 4 + others: along with the sopping wet floors, the piles of wet snow clothes that I have helped put on and take off more times than I can count, the mounds of laundry and dishes, the constant fighting, the over exhaustion that leads to endless and unmerited tears, the spills, the messes, the chaos… simply put, the life that comes with one big crazy family…let’s just say what is “coming forth from my heart” has not been pretty. It’s humbling and at times very discouraging, however I am thankful for a God who doesn’t leave me as I am nor leave me alone in my attempt to overcome these shortcomings. He not only reveals the sin, but showers me with His promises every morning when I take the time to seek Him. He has placed each one of these kids in my life, special needs and all, and because I know nothing with Him is by accident or without purpose, I know He will provide me with just what I need to see it through, one day at a time. AND, if I let Him, He will thus pour into these beautiful kids through me, each with their own unique situation and rise them up to be the amazing people He has created them to be. Here’s to one more day of learning to love unconditionally...and Lord willing "penciling in" a shower. Thank goodness I have a perfect role model to look up to. <3 

2015 - What.A.Ride.

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and attempt to sum up my take on 2015 for me personally, in as few words as possible because this has been a heck of a year for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It is no surprise that the final two books I have read in the year 2015 were The End of Me by Kyle Idleman and I am currently finishing up Jen Hatmaker's book "Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity". I thrive on reading, it feeds me in every way possible. God has used amazing authors (apart from His Word) to fill me, fuel me, and completely turn my life upside down. I am more than half way through Hatmaker's book and I feel like I am reading my own words to describe God's work in my life this year. She labeled her own journey as the "descent down". While society tells us we are supposed to make our way to the top, to be successful, to strive for better and greater, Jesus calls His people to live in complete opposition to the cultural norm. And He has spent the last year (well, much longer, but this year was a large piece of the puzzle) bringing me to the bottom, to the end of "myself"; my pride, selfish ambitions, and my comfortable Christianity so that I have no other option but to rely completely on Him and discover the amazing life He has waiting for me if I'd simply let go of all that holds me back. I'm nowhere NEAR the end of this journey: it is life long and only beginning for me, but I am thankful for the many ways He has broken me these last 12 months. One statement that I continue to chew on from Jen’s book is this: “Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else to be fed”. Kyle Idleman adds that, “brokenness is the way to wholeness…if you’re going to live, you’re going to lose”. I have prayed for years to experience Him more intimately, and I am learning that that can only happen when I come to the end of myself, when we reach those valleys and the only thing we are left with is our ability to call out to our Lord and seek His face, His help, His strength, and simply just HIM. There is nothing more frustrating nor more terrifying than having all control slowly ripped from your hands, left completely dazed and clueless, but, “there is much value in the struggle” (Interrupted, p. 31).  I know He is working something out in my life, in OUR lives. I think 2015 was a year of brokenness and releasing control, and in turn, I believe 2016 is going to be a year of much change for my family and I. What that will look like, I have no idea, but I am learning to trust despite the uncertainty, fear, and unknown, because the One I am trusting in has proven to be completely faithful and His way is so much greater than anything I could ever choose on my own. I’m terrified but elated. Anxious but eager. Exhausted but full of peace. I can’t wait to see where He takes us. As Jen Hatmaker stated, “God does not change, but He uses change to change us. He sends us on journeys that bring us to the end of ourselves. We often feel out of control, yet if we embrace His leading, we may find ourselves on the ride of our lives”. I share this stuff with you all because I do not believe God wants us to keep our journeys stuffed under a rug, tucked away in the dark corners of our hearts. We are called to let Him shine through us. As I learn, as I grow, as I fall flat on my face, I share it in hopes that somehow He will receive the glory He is due in the midst of it all. If you watch and see my many slip ups, my many mistakes and the utter stupidity that I let slip through far too often, may you see His grace and work cover it all regardless of myself. Here’s to a New Year sweet family and friends, whatever it has in store, I have no doubt it will be one heck of a ride. ;)

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.” – Jeremiah 17:7 

Mommy Guilt - my personal prison.

So I haven’t forgotten my 30 day writing challenge of “30 things I didn’t expect when becoming a parent”. In fact, this week I have been dealing head on with the absolute worst item on that very list. It’s such a struggle for me that rather than elaborate on all of the other silly things that I didn’t expect as a parent, I am going to simply forget my challenge and write one emotional post about this topic alone. Mommy Guilt.  This is my prison. I live under its rule most every day. I worry, stress, and fear over my potential to fail my kids as a mother. I feel like everything I do is never enough, I take all the blame for anything wrong in their lives and never embrace the good in them as a reflection of my efforts. My greatest fear, the one thing that cripples me emotionally and mentally most days, is that one day I will look back or stare in the faces of my children and wish I had done things differently. That I will regret my decisions or that my decisions for their lives cause them any sort of pain or harm. I find I spend most days failing to properly parent because I feel so guilty for not giving them enough time, enough affection, enough scripture, enough wisdom, enough of ME. I live in a state of feeling like I am never enough and my efforts always fall short. It’s exhausting and emotionally crippling. And though I recognize its hold in my life and I know very well who is responsible for its presence, I feel hopeless to overcome it.

2015 is coming to a close and I have already declared this year to be looked back upon as the year of my “I can’t do its”. God has slowly stripped me down these past 10 months, revealing to me just how incredibly weak I really am, that I do not possess any type of “super powers”, that I am just one person and I cannot wear a million hats and I can definitely not wear them well if I try. The year started with me facing a giant heartbreak in having to release a little boy out of our care that I knew needed more than what I could give. This was followed by the news that my little boy has autism and will face a different set of struggles in this life than the rest of us. I faced the truth that I couldn’t teach him myself, that I am unable to handle his melt-downs gracefully, that I have to release him completely into the hands of my Father and trust Him to guide me through this unknown territory. I took time off of school with only two classes left because the toll it was taking on my family and I was more than I could handle anymore. And now, I face the truth that I have been so desperately trying to fight for quite some time. Proverbs 16:9 says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” I have planned from the moment we became parents that I wanted to home school my kids. I experience public and private school and I hated them both. A million reasons surrounded this decision, and I was sure it was the right one. I have spent the last year and a half trying to make it work. Despite the fact that my life is far too crazy and unorganized, far too full for me to do it well, I pushed on believing it would work itself out…it would get better. However, its not getting better. I am overwhelmed with the pressure of trying to plan and teach, not simply just teach, but teach well. I wanted to make learning fun for my kids. I wanted to fill them with God’s truth as we learned, I wanted to enjoy watching my children grow in knowledge and truth, however I haven’t been able to do any of those things. I have literally just gotten by at this point. And in the process, I have struggled to be a good mother because the “teacher” had to come first most days. This week I finally caved. I looked up and said, “ I can’t do it anymore God.” With prayer and oh so much guilt and hesitation, I registered my two big kids for school yesterday and they will start Monday. Add this to my very long list of ways I feel I have failed as a mother, as a person. I feel weak, insecure, and so small. Deep down I know none of this is true, I know Satan is trying to keep me down, keep me from realizing who I am in Christ, that all of this anxiety and fear is not of God and not in the slightest bit necessary. However, my heart still aches and I still feel broken.

I also know that this is right where God wants me: Broken and weak. Because it’s only then that I realize just how much I need Christ, how great God is. It’s only then that I get to see His awesome power at work in my life. Oddly enough I am currently reading a book called, “The End of Me”…. I do not believe that is a coincidence. ;) God is stretching me and stripping me down to a place of complete vulnerability, and though it hurts and I am utterly exhausted, I am so grateful that He loves me enough to not leave me as I am. Satan has no hold on my life, I live in the light of the Victorious One. I am a child of the Almighty God and He wants me to be free. Free of guilt, free of my insecurities and fears. In Christ there is only freedom. We can’t embrace that fully until He brings us to our knees and forces us to wrap our arms around its beautiful truth and empty ourselves before Him, letting Him fill all of the cracks in our broken hearts.

           I can’t say I have fully embraced this freedom, though I so desperately want to. I have cried my share of tears this year….this week…. I have called out to Him and asked Him “how?!” And this morning He answered me loud and clear through the beautiful Priscilla Shirer’s words: “ASK for freedom, for release, for the ability to deflect lies and embrace truth”(Fervent, pg.101). Christ says in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” There is a common theme here, and its simple. ASK. So, I am asking. And I will continue asking, not just for me but for my fellow struggling mama’s out there, because I know God is faithful to His promises and He promises freedom for His children. If I am failing to experience that freedom it has nothing to do with Him and everything to do with me. With my inability to fight the Enemies lies. Priscilla further says, “Fear is one of Satan’s primary schemes for crippling God’s people… IF he’s working that hard to keep me from moving forward, there must be some blessing or beauty from heaven he’s trying to divert me from” (Fervent pg. 109).  Well, I don’t know about you, but I sure as heck don’t want to give him anymore power in my life. My God is far bigger and He instructs over 300 times in scripture (thank you again Priscilla for shedding light on this truth) for his people to not to fear, to not to be discouraged… So to anyone else suffering from the ugly voice of Mommy Guilt, there is freedom from it. We don’t have to stay there and let Satan have that hold in our life, keeping us and our families from experiencing the full blessings and freedom of God. We simply just need to ASK. <3 

Day 2 - The Lonely Road of Motherhood

So I warned you all the consistency would be lacking on this little endeavor… in fairness, I had every intention of writing yesterday but my children love me so much they fail to give me a moment alone. ;) Anyways, the topic on my heart yesterday was a little less sarcastic and a lot more serious, which oddly enough was brought up in my newsfeed by another friend as well. I call this one: The Lonely Road.

Now, I can’t speak for those who are in a working environment because I personally haven’t experienced that. However, as a stay at home mother I can tell you that though I have countless friends and acquaintances that also stay home with their kids, I find it is nearly impossible to find anyone who actually has time to spare for a decent friendship. Everyone’s lives are so full, most working some type of job from home, taking care of their homes and families, extracurricular activities etc. No one has any time for simply just talking life with one another. Now, I have seen countless of my friends express their struggles as introverts, lacking a desire to even seek out relationships and time with others. However, I personally am an extrovert, I love people and I am fueled mentally, emotionally and spiritually when I am spending time with others. This is why I am an avid Facebooker, because the lack of personal relationships is so great in the “real world” that my social self cannot mentally handle being detached from society all day, every day, seven days a week. If it wasn’t for my mother, who is by far my dearest friend that I speak with daily, I honestly think I would be in a state of depression due to the lack of fellowship in my life.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have friends, and I love them dearly. I see people all throughout the week at different things such as church, co-op, awana, bible study, heck even my two daycare kiddos parents are some of my closest friends. However, it’s different when you have random conversations here and there and when you actually invest and share life with those around you. I can’t tell you the last time I had someone randomly “check in” with me just to see how my life was going. This is even more disheartening when I’ve poured out my heart to someone about personal struggles and never hear from them about it again. What happened to friendships that allowed for us to not only be each other’s shoulder to cry on, but vessels of encouragement and discipleship? I personally never imagined how difficult it would be to make friends as an adult, and moreover, I never dreamed becoming a mother would prove to be such a lonely venture. I know I am not alone in this feeling either, I see it all over my newsfeed, hear it from friends, and watch the evidence of it in the statistics of mother’s experiencing depression throughout our country. Why is it so hard for us to make time for each other? And if the effects are so devastating, why don’t we make more of an effort to fix the problem?

Personally, I believe this is one of Satan’s many schemes to keep God’s people down. We were wired to have community and the busier life gets, the less God’s people invest in one another. He brings us to a place of isolation, where even the strongest will struggle with depression and discouragement if not careful. I’d say this is where I am thankful for social media, but then again, I wonder if it didn’t exist then we’d be forced to seek out those relationships most of us desire so badly.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

Day 1 - The Shoe Dilemma

It’s that time of year again, the 30 days of thankfulness have begun and I have yet again failed to participate because I am unorganized, forgetful and quite honestly, pretty lazy these days. However, an idea did cross my mind that I thought would be fun to execute… IF I manage to stick with it. ;)  Considering at the top of my thankful list are my 5 (and soon to be 6) beautiful babies, I thought I’d elaborate on the many ways they have managed to make life all the more, uh, colorful. So today I begin my blog series of: “Thirty things I never anticipated when becoming a parent”.   Except its now 9 days into November, so I may or may not attempt to make up for those lost precious days of opportunity… we will just see where this wind decides to blow in the next few weeks. ;)

So with that, I begin by sharing my first unforeseen experience when I dreamt of being a mommy, and that is: The Shoe Dilemma. I never, ever, not even for a second, anticipated the many ways shoes would affect my life as a parent. They are the thorn in my side, my very own personal kryptonite. I cringe at the thought of leaving my house for it is inevitable that at least half of my clan will be missing their shoes. I believe this is why the “10 minute per child” allowance exists for parents whenever they have a place to be, because we will be spending at least that amount of time searching relentlessly for shoes. It doesn’t matter if you purchased your children one pair or a dozen because when they time comes to go anywhere, they will ALL have mysteriously vanished… or at least one of each pair. Who knew that not only does a sock monster exist in our laundry rooms, but his older, much more evil brother the shoe scrounger also creeps around the halls eagerly waiting to devour the next pair of carelessly tossed footwear. Don’t bother buying a shoe tree or rack of some sort. I did that three years ago and to this day it still stands by my front door, a mere distant memory of a so called “great idea” I once had, for friends and strangers to notice and compliment despite its inability to bring any sort of organization to my home.  

So, to you dear sweet friends out there that are awaiting this beautiful journey called parenthood, I promise you this one thing: Tears will be shed, threats of butt whoopins will be made (with no follow through of course), blood pressures will rise, and one’s personal sanity will cease to exist at the mention of the perilous word “shoes”. I don’t care what size home you have, they will vanish. You will search ruthlessly under every bed, behind every piece of furniture, around every inch of your property, but they will not be found….at least not when you need them, and sometimes never at all. Just in this past month alone my girls have lost four pairs of brand new shoes, Elias’ right sneaker has been missing for several weeks, and Spanky is down to one pair of shoes out of the four we have purchased him…. Oh, just seeing that horrible word written down makes my stomach turn, my head ache, and my nerves crawl. Yes, it has become that big of a problem.

Once upon a time, in my blissful youth and naivety, I loved shoes. They were a staple in my life of fashion and self-worth as a young woman. And now, I’m 9 years into parenting and I want to punch the individual who decided going places barefoot was socially unacceptable.  Praise God for the few joyous months of summer when we can relish in the lack of need for footwear… for during the 9 other months of the year I want to burn every shoe store that dares to enter my path. Consider yourselves warned. ;)