I realized after I received a few private messages that I have been pretty vague regarding Landon’s situation. First off, let me just say that he is absolutely fine. He is healthy and there is nothing “wrong” with him, we are just navigating through unknown territory right now, that though not life threatening, it is still cloudy and unfamiliar. As parents you only want the best future for your child, so when curve balls are thrown at them and you foresee a more difficult future for them as a result, your heart breaks no matter the significance. We have suspected for some time now that Landon had more going on. For any that have followed my family over the years, Landon has always been our more “trying” child. I have never felt as though I had any control when it came to him and his temper has always been untamable. We noticed as he got a little older that he was a loner and showed little interest in socializing with others. His speech has always been difficult for most to understand, and once he hit age 5 we knew it was time to seek out a more definitive answer to whatever we were dealing with.
In April I finally took him in to be evaluated. It was one of those times where in your gut, you knew what was going to be said but you held on to that small glimmer of hope that you were completely wrong. However, I sat there and within the hour the Dr. informed me without hesitation that she believed he was on the spectrum. To any that are unfamiliar with that term (as I had been prior to all of this), she felt he showed signs of autism. I took it all in, listening to her go on about ADHD, mixed expressive-receptive disorder, etc…etc… I felt like I was dreaming. That sounds cliché, but I really did. I sat there almost numb to the news. What I dreaded most ended up being the truth. The next two months were full of evaluations and meetings, all resulting in an IEP and the final decision to send my baby to school, which is so not how I dreamed of his Kindergarten year.
Let me just say now that I understand this is not the end of the world. He is perfectly healthy, happy and his future is incredibly bright. He is an amazing kid with a beautiful personality and I know God has a great plan for his life. But no one in their right mind wants to hear their child is going to struggle more than others for the rest of his life. I have absolutely no idea how this will look as he gets older. He could very well receive enough therapy and help to get him to a point where he might not even be considered “on the spectrum” anymore, or he may continue the rest of his life struggling not only socially but in his ability to properly communicate with others because of how his brain processes information. Will this affect his career? Will it affect him in the dating and marriage department? What if I do put the kids in school one day, how are other children going to treat him? I just watched a video recently of a 21 year old man beating up an autistic teen at a party. He had someone video tape it and posted it for the world to see. That poor boy was utterly humiliated simply because he was a little different. We live in a very cruel world where bullying is rampant and suicides are happening younger and younger. I want to take my baby and hide him away from all of the ugliness he could possibly face in his future…that he will most likely face at times…all because God made him special.
I have had people play down my situation, making it seem as though it’s “not that big of a deal” or that they didn’t really think there was anything wrong with him. I have had others "over play" my situation, making him seem worse than he is. I have feared sharing it with too many people worrying he will receive some sort of permanent “label” that would cause him more grief. I have been stretched, wrecked, broken, and forced on my knees far more than I care to admit this year, quite possibly more so than any other time in my life. As I have sat in countless offices listening to evaluation after evaluation, sifting through their opinions and results, 98% of the time all on my own, the mama bear in me has fought her way out and dangit, I’m tired of what everyone else thinks. Heck, I'm just tired.
Nothing feels more comforting when you are facing trials of any kind than to know that others can relate, that there are people out there who understand you and what you are feeling. And the only way that happens is by sharing our lives with each other to some extent. This goes not only for myself, but for my boy. To sit her and pretend as that nothing is different is silly. To not share what is going on would be foolish because anyone that meets him will eventually take notice of some of his behaviors and characteristics that differ from what society calls “normal”. I mean, anyone that has seen us in the store when he is having one of his embarrassingly uncontrollable meltdowns and watched me leave in the middle of shopping because I have absolutely no way of bringing him back out of it…would either roll their eyes at me and judge my horrible parenting skills or assume that maybe more was going on. This is real life. We all have different obstacles, trials, and struggles we face and this happens to be one of ours. Four months ago I wouldn’t have said that. IN fact, I tried to write something like this then but removed it for fear of what others would think. But at this point, I don’t really care. I trust my God. I trust in His promises, not only for my life, but for my sweet boy. God makes no mistakes. He has a purpose in EVERY THING, and I have been praying fervently that He will use Landon and his situation for His glory.
So, when I say I am struggling and when I mention our situation with Landon, this is what I mean. I don’t know what I am doing. I struggle to have a solid conversation with my son and often times this truly lays heavy on my heart. Will I ever be able to discuss life with my baby? Will this barrier always be there? I don’t know what our future holds with it all. I don’t know how to handle him when he has a meltdown, and generally, his melt downs result in my own melt down. I have cried enough this year to last me a decade. I feel lost many days, and yet so many times I feel overjoyed with the hope and progress we see. God has blessed us with AMAZING teachers at his school, an awesome speech therapist, and now a new Dr. that is finally giving me some guidance in all of this. I have met several people along the way who are dealing with very similar situations, and I have also learned that some dear friends are navigating through similar stormy waters right now. The support is amazing, and for that I am so incredibly grateful. In all of this, the only one truly struggling is myself right now because Landon is oblivious and very happy. He loves school, he loves life, and he’s a great kid. I can’t say that will always be the case, and I am sure as he gets older he will begin to understand and acknowledge more, but for now I am thankful that I can figure some of this out before I deal with my baby’s heart on top of it. My motto this past year has been “live for today”, and this situation is no different. We take it one day at a time. The future is unknown to me, but well known to my Creator, so I rest in that truth. <3
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