Anxiety & Depression vs. Stillness & Surrender

Today is my first day with the kids being back in school that I have JUST my two littles, no daycare kids. I said Elias was finding himself this week, but in actuality, we both are. Where some would be ecstatic about this new found calm and sense of freedom in their days, I find myself full of anxiety and fighting what I can only assume is depression. I have felt so “off” this past week, like I’m in a funk, or a fog and can’t seem to find my way out. It’s strange but though the chaos and business overwhelmed me, they were oddly comforting. They are familiar, and quite frankly, they are all I have known since I married and had children 10 years ago. Though I would hit the bed exhausted and run down each night, I felt as if I had “earned my way” each day. Adding to our income and being steadily “productive” throughout each day. A full schedule made me feel accomplished, and embarrassingly enough, proud.

My immediate thought in this calmness is to fill my time back up. “Well, now I am free to take on so and so’s kids for a few hours to help them out during the week,” or “Now I can offer to help such and such with their home and needs “, or even “now I can get THAT job for at least half the week”. I found myself searching to fill the quiet. Though they are technically “good things”, I know that is not what this time is designated for. I felt like God was whispering, “STOP, this is not why I led you here. Be Still.” I am a doer. Being still is NOT something I am very good at. Well, I’m not good at it at all, I don’t know HOW to be still. I don’t enjoy “down time”, I feel anxious and unproductive. I don’t enjoy “Netflix Binging”, and to be completely honest, I struggle with my prayer life BECAUSE I don’t know how to quiet my mind and be still long enough to enter completely into the presence of God.

One verse that continues to come to mind during this season of “waiting” is “Be still and know that I am God.” The second half has been incredibly encouraging during this transition. He is God. He is in control. He loves my family and I. He led me here and His promises to provide, comfort and lead ring true now just as they always have. But be still? I have shamefully skimmed over that half of the verse.

Yesterday, as I was feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety and depression, I had an “Epiphone”. God took away my “job” and led me here at this point in our life because He wants to prepare me for what’s coming. He wants me to be still before Him. To not work myself or serve myself to death, but to literally fall on my face before Him in the silence and KNOW HIM. I so desperately want to know Him. Not know of Him, but know Him so intimately that I can walk through any wait, struggle, fear, or trial with complete faith and assurance in Who He is. I want to be intimate with my King. I want the relationship David, Abraham, Job, Daniel, Mary and so many others had with our Creator. It’s been the cry of my heart for so long and yet I have continued to struggle to find it. He has been holding it out in front of me this whole time, waiting for me to take hold of it.

My thoughts have been consumed with “what’s next God?? Where are you taking us? Where should we go? We are ready to move whenever you lead, but PLEASE LEAD SOON.” The wait has been killing me. The unknown, the wondering, the questioning. It’s exhausting. And all the while He has been standing there, grabbing hold of my shoulders and shaking me saying, “Be still child. Close your eyes, fall at my feet. Lay it all down. Come, taste and see that I am LORD. Lord of your life. Lord of your family. Lord of your future. Lord of this world. Stop trying to “figure it all out” and just calm your heart and mind before me. Let me show you.”

The thought of being still gives me anxiety. Being on my knees, quieting my mind, being “unproductive” with my time… my mind can’t even handle the concept. It’s really sad. But it’s also so very eye opening. I believe it’s a key factor in why He’s not answering our question of “what’s next”. I’m not ready for what’s next. I’m still such a child. I’m still trying to be self-sufficient in my pursuits. I claim I’m listening and walking with Him, but I’m trying to beat down doors, not trusting in His timing but following my own.

One song keeps coming on my Youtube playlist this week, and yesterday the lyrics spoke right through my heart:

              “I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within

I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King

I'm giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights

I’m Giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender, all to you, all to you

And I surrender, all to you, all to you”

There are so many situations that call for us to “wait”. It’s all throughout the Bible, (thank goodness we don’t live as long…. Abraham's and Sarah’s wait? Yeesh….) We WILL ALL go through periods of waiting. But the wait is our refining time. Our preparation period. We wait, and grow, and learn and all the while He prepares us for our “next thing”, whatever that may look like for each of our individual lives. It’s not worth stepping out of His will and rushing ahead, because not only do we inevitably make a mess of things, but we miss out on what’s most important. We stunt our spiritual growth. We limit our understanding and intimacy with our amazing God.

Be still. Wait on God’s perfect timing, and in the wait, discover all that He has for you. What’s coming will be all the sweeter as a result.  <3

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” – Psalm 139:23-24