Blessed Beyond Measure... but what about me?

“Just signed on our FIRST HOME! Dream house, dream jobs, dream life! God continues to bless us beyond measure!”

I scrolled through my feed and saw this post with a picture of this sweet couple standing in front of their BIG beautiful new home. Let me emphasize BIG again. I of course am so incredibly happy for them, as I always am when I see friends and family enjoying success and wins in life. But I couldn’t help but think, do they even have kids yet? Why do they need such a huge home? And then the ugly head of envy creeps in, and I find myself frustrated and discouraged as I  sit here day in and day out trying to maintain a somewhat functional way of life in our 3 bedroom 1 bath home…with 8 people and a few extra here and there. I get annoyed when my kids get off their shower schedule because it throws everyone else off, yet meanwhile, this couple could take 4 showers today, one in each big beautiful bathroom.

Then I snap back out of that ugly place and remind myself how incredibly blessed I am. Similar statements  always seems to follow these posts, like  “God has blessed us!” or “God is so good!! He has given us everything we dreamed of!”, and I think, yes, He most certainly has and kudos to you for recognizing where your blessings come from.  But what about those of us that aren’t experiencing such obvious blessings? If this kind of post causes my heart to stumble and question, how many others are feeling the sting of those words?

I think of all of the figures throughout the Bible and am quickly reminded that though God does bless His people often, it generally comes after a LONG bought in the desert. Abraham and Sarah were given the promise of a son, and waited 25 years to see it fulfilled. Job had it all, but then had it all taken away for quite some time before God restored everything to him once again. Joseph spent at least a decade in slavery, then prison before he became the Prime Minister of Egypt. David was told he was going to be king, but then spent 15 years running from Saul who sought to take his life before he even claimed his throne. I could go on, but these are a few examples of mighty men of God who experienced long droughts in the “desert” before they saw the abundant earthly blessings of God.

Then you have characters like Moses, Paul, the disciples, and Jesus Himself, who never did see those earthly blessings. Moses spent years leading the Israelites, talking to God, eating a whole heck of a lot of manna, and surrendering to His will, only to miss out on the Promise Land. Paul gave up everything to follow Christ, which according to the world, was a lot. Then he died in prison. And well, we know Christ’s story.These men never saw the earthly "blessings", but were they any less blessed?

So where does that leave us? My friend sent me something the other day, and within a few days, I read the exact same thing again in a different devotional. God was obviously making a point.

The word for desert in Hebrew is “Midbar”, which also means “the place of the word” or “to speak”. All throughout Scripture, when does God speak to His people? At the high times, in their cushy palaces, at the peak of their prosperity? No. It’s in the desert. When they are broken and realize they are nothing without Him. When we aren’t taking our blessings for granted. When we are without options and we lean so hard into Him that the struggles seem to fade away and all we feel is the strength of his arms around us, the sweet smell of His presence as we press against His chest, and the incredible joy that literally pours over out of our hearts.

We were asked the other day at life group what our plans were for our futures when we were children.  It’s a joke now with my group because I confessed that I don’t plan… anything. Looking back to my childhood and all the way through adolescence, the only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mom. I think in the back of my mind, I always assumed I’d finish college, meet my future husband, have a big beautiful wedding, buy a house, work for a while and enjoy life as a couple, then start a family. You know, the typical “American Dream”. I never really thought on it much or vocalized it, but I think I just assumed that’s how it would be. However, planning went out the window when I got pregnant at 20, got married a month later in a courthouse, spent 13 years finishing my bachelors and had 5 more little “oopsies” along the way. (well, 4 more, Mattox was the only one we actually planned ;) ).  Or the fact that I got my dream job after 13 years of school, only to have to give it up 4 months later, and now I clean toilets. (I’m just messin, I love what I do, even if it involves cleaning toilets ;) ) We were recently given the gift a trip to Disney, so we planned to go over spring break, but the engine on our “bus” blew and wiped out our entire tax return, thus resulting in a cancelled trip…among other things. I could go on for days about the many MANY times life didn’t go as “planned”, but you get the idea.

So what does all that mean? Am I one of the ones NOT being blessed beyond measure? And if so, then why?!

But I AM blessed. I absolutely, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt am so incredibly blessed. That pregnancy, brought my husband and I together forever and gave me one pretty amazing young lady. The court house wedding and broken emotions during our vows, allowed me to learn how to forgive with a forgiveness only God could produce. That 13 years of schooling taught me determination and perseverance like I had never known, and it also allowed me to experience an even greater sense of pride when it was all said and done. Those 6 beautiful oopsies, are the answer to the one plan I ever had growing up, the greatest desire of my heart. That canceled trip to Disney and financial hit #8,000,957, have taught us to TRUST. To rest in His promises and provision. To look at things from a different perspective. To appreciate. All of it caused spiritual growth that we would have not otherwise experienced, and allowed us to watch God come through in the most amazing ways. All in all, the greatest blessing in it all is sanctification and humility, because “blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God”, right? (Luke 6:20)

 Your lack of “success” in the world’s eyes is a garden of opportunity in the Kingdom of God. He is pruning and planting, watering and growing.  And just look at this promise in Deuteronomy 8:6-10:

“So obey the commands of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land of flowing streams and pools of water, with fountains and springs that gush out in the valleys and hills. It is a land of wheat and barley; of grapevines, fig trees, and pomegranates; of olive oil and honey. It is a land where food is plentiful and nothing is lacking. It is a land where iron is as common as stone, and copper is abundant in the hills.  When you have eaten your fill, be sure to praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.”

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Enjoy the ones you have in the desert, just as much as the ones you WILL receive when you reach the promised land.

“Don’t try and get out of the desert. Try to get as much out of the desert as you can.” – Dave Adamson

Is God Really Good?

Is God REALLY good? After almost 2 years of feeling as though we have been dragged through the mud, I found myself pondering this question over and over again. I can’t remember if it was a book or a devotional, but recently I read something that discussed the fact that our faith rests in God’s sovereignty and His goodness. I sat there and thought aloud, “I don’t question His sovereignty, I KNOW He is in control of everything. In fact, it’s this knowing that has caused my faith to waiver. If He is in control, why has life been so hard? Why does it seem as though He is silent towards all of my requests and needs… heck, not even silent half the time, but coming back at me with a booming NO. My struggle is not in the truth of his sovereignty, but in my belief of whether or not He is truly good.  

We have tried to lay all we have at His feet, though I know many days we fail miserably. But our hearts are always set on Him, always desiring to do His will and be His hands and feet. We give when there is a need, we love when there is opportunity, we trust when things are shaky and bleak. Yet, after two years of heartache, disappointment, and struggle, I find myself wrestling like Jacob with my Savior.  I find myself walking with a limp  upon receiving the injuries during this daily wrestling match.

I fell in love with a little boy, spent two years hearing him call me mommy, was given the opportunity to make him mine forever, and God said NO. The pain of him driving away with tears streaming down his face has not dulled even after a year. I graduated college after a very long haul to get there, got my dream job and worked with so many amazingly beautiful kids, only for God to also take that away, 3 months after losing my little boy. We have seen our bank account hit zero, and even the negatives, more times in the past 2 years than I believe we had in the previous 10 combined. Our cars have been in the shop more than we have had them, our house  has had leaks from pretty much any water source we could imagine, and it feels as though every day we wake up to a new broken item that we can’t afford to fix.

In January, beaten and worn , after much prayer and discussion, Dave and I believed God laid it on our hearts to pursue a change and move to Florida. It was time for him to leave his job, I was done with life in Lynchburg, we desperately needed a bigger house (or even just one more bathroom!), our kids needed a better school district, we knew I needed to work less and be home more, and something was pulling us towards Florida, though we still didn’t know what. So we prayed. Fervently. Passionately. Desperately. For 6 months we pursued countless job opportunities and prayed unceasingly. And though several opportunities came as well as many disappointments, and even a solid offer was given, we had no peace. We were left utterly confused and even a bit bitter. Through this time, our financial situation just worsened by the day. Finally, God answered and provided a wonderful job opportunity, with everything we needed…. But it was in Lynchburg. We had peace, we knew it was where Dave needed to be, but my heart was both broken and even more hardened as a result.

This summer was one of the most difficult I’ve ever had. Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. And as we approach the new school year, a time where I had pictured myself and my family settled in a new home, with a new job in new place…. I find myself in the exact same place that we started the year. Same home. Same school district. Still working just as much. Still financially strapped. The only change being Dave’s job.

I’ve been in a relationship with Christ since I was 11. I’ve been through many difficult seasons, and even been angry at God a time or two. However, this is the first time I have ever questioned His goodness. I spent countless times by my oldest son’s bed last year, listening to him cry because of his personal struggles with kids at school and the need for good friends. He spent the whole school year isolated, not one good friend in his class. We were waiting for the post card to arrive letting us know who his teacher was and if his best friend would be in his class this year. He was so desperate. I knew the right thing to do was to pray with him about it and to encourage him to do so, but I refused. I refused to set him up to experience the disappointment I had felt for so long. God’s answer had been no for 2 years, I wasn’t going to set my son up to receive that no and then have to try and give the yay old Christian response of “ Well honey, God has a reason. He is in control. He works all things out for the good of those who love Him.” Because, I personally wasn’t sure I really believed it anymore. And yet, as he was sharing his fears during one of our car rides, I quietly prayed, “Ok God. I’m going to tell him to pray, to ask you for this one thing. This is my mustard seed. Even though my faith is weak, hear the plea of my son and his innocent and childlike faith, and please let this friend be in his class.” I then told him to pray with me. We did. That same night, we found out this friend was not in his class. Another no. Another disappointment. Another place on my heart hardened. I comforted him with the cliché response, but inwardly I was seething and bitter.

Katie Davis is one of my favorite people. Her faith and her life changed me when I read her book several years ago. Last year she put out a new book, and I was eagerly anticipating it. However, something kept me from buying it. I always read books that I feel God leading me to, and 9 out of 10 times, they are exactly what I need for that time in my life. So I waited. It’s been a year since she released it and the other day I decided now was the time. I bought it, but then decided to wait to start it because I had too many books I was working through right now. However, a few days ago I decided I needed it now. I needed a 3^rd world perspective in the midst of my first world complaints. I needed to be reminded that my struggles and my frustrations pale in comparison to so many around the world. I needed to be reminded to shut up and suck it up, and be grateful for what I have.

The book begins with my story. One of the girls Katie fostered, lived with her for 2 years (just like my boy), and when it came time to adopt, God said no (just like he did for me). Katie watched her little girl drive away and has been forced to see her now calling another woman mommy. Katie Davis, one of my greatest spiritual mentors, was struggling to believe God was good. Just.Like.Me.

I am still working through the book. Still wrestling with my anger and weak faith towards God. However, even in the simple steps of purchasing this long awaited book, its timing, its relevance to my life, and its raw and authentic truth….I see God’s goodness. I see that He is there. He is listening, and though I still have so much healing and growth to go through, I am so thankful for His patience with me. For the fact that he pursues me, even when I am wrestling to get out of his embrace. Just like my kids when the run off and slam their doors, screaming and angry at me for not giving them what they want or understanding them. He holds me as I tantrum and question His heart.

Katie says in her book, “A faith that trusts Him only when the ending is good is a fickle faith. A faith that trusts Him regardless of the outcome is real….” And further, “In the wrestling He makes us who we are meant to be in Him. It isn’t easy and it isn’t pain free, but it can be glorious. In the wrestling we get to be right up next to our strong Father and tangibly know the truth that He does not let go. He will not let go. We walk wounded, like Jacob, but we have seen the face of God in our pain, and we have encountered a new kind of intimacy with the one who holds our hearts in His We walk away scarred, but we are stronger and we are renamed: HIS.” – Katie Davis, Dare to Hope

This is already ridiculously long and most won’t read it I’m sure, but I felt the need to share. So often all we see and hear from Christians is how good God is, and living in the Bible belt, I hear so many of the usual Christian clichés and jargon that quite honestly I get sick of it myself. Sometimes the world just needs to see us wrestle, to know what walking with Christ looks like. It’s not simple, we don’t always trust and believe what we say we do, our faith waivers, we get angry at the God we profess about, and it’s just downright tough. Deep down I KNOW He is good, but right now it’s a constant struggle to believe and live that daily. <3

Anxiety & Depression vs. Stillness & Surrender

Today is my first day with the kids being back in school that I have JUST my two littles, no daycare kids. I said Elias was finding himself this week, but in actuality, we both are. Where some would be ecstatic about this new found calm and sense of freedom in their days, I find myself full of anxiety and fighting what I can only assume is depression. I have felt so “off” this past week, like I’m in a funk, or a fog and can’t seem to find my way out. It’s strange but though the chaos and business overwhelmed me, they were oddly comforting. They are familiar, and quite frankly, they are all I have known since I married and had children 10 years ago. Though I would hit the bed exhausted and run down each night, I felt as if I had “earned my way” each day. Adding to our income and being steadily “productive” throughout each day. A full schedule made me feel accomplished, and embarrassingly enough, proud.

My immediate thought in this calmness is to fill my time back up. “Well, now I am free to take on so and so’s kids for a few hours to help them out during the week,” or “Now I can offer to help such and such with their home and needs “, or even “now I can get THAT job for at least half the week”. I found myself searching to fill the quiet. Though they are technically “good things”, I know that is not what this time is designated for. I felt like God was whispering, “STOP, this is not why I led you here. Be Still.” I am a doer. Being still is NOT something I am very good at. Well, I’m not good at it at all, I don’t know HOW to be still. I don’t enjoy “down time”, I feel anxious and unproductive. I don’t enjoy “Netflix Binging”, and to be completely honest, I struggle with my prayer life BECAUSE I don’t know how to quiet my mind and be still long enough to enter completely into the presence of God.

One verse that continues to come to mind during this season of “waiting” is “Be still and know that I am God.” The second half has been incredibly encouraging during this transition. He is God. He is in control. He loves my family and I. He led me here and His promises to provide, comfort and lead ring true now just as they always have. But be still? I have shamefully skimmed over that half of the verse.

Yesterday, as I was feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety and depression, I had an “Epiphone”. God took away my “job” and led me here at this point in our life because He wants to prepare me for what’s coming. He wants me to be still before Him. To not work myself or serve myself to death, but to literally fall on my face before Him in the silence and KNOW HIM. I so desperately want to know Him. Not know of Him, but know Him so intimately that I can walk through any wait, struggle, fear, or trial with complete faith and assurance in Who He is. I want to be intimate with my King. I want the relationship David, Abraham, Job, Daniel, Mary and so many others had with our Creator. It’s been the cry of my heart for so long and yet I have continued to struggle to find it. He has been holding it out in front of me this whole time, waiting for me to take hold of it.

My thoughts have been consumed with “what’s next God?? Where are you taking us? Where should we go? We are ready to move whenever you lead, but PLEASE LEAD SOON.” The wait has been killing me. The unknown, the wondering, the questioning. It’s exhausting. And all the while He has been standing there, grabbing hold of my shoulders and shaking me saying, “Be still child. Close your eyes, fall at my feet. Lay it all down. Come, taste and see that I am LORD. Lord of your life. Lord of your family. Lord of your future. Lord of this world. Stop trying to “figure it all out” and just calm your heart and mind before me. Let me show you.”

The thought of being still gives me anxiety. Being on my knees, quieting my mind, being “unproductive” with my time… my mind can’t even handle the concept. It’s really sad. But it’s also so very eye opening. I believe it’s a key factor in why He’s not answering our question of “what’s next”. I’m not ready for what’s next. I’m still such a child. I’m still trying to be self-sufficient in my pursuits. I claim I’m listening and walking with Him, but I’m trying to beat down doors, not trusting in His timing but following my own.

One song keeps coming on my Youtube playlist this week, and yesterday the lyrics spoke right through my heart:

              “I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within

I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King

I'm giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights

I’m Giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender, all to you, all to you

And I surrender, all to you, all to you”

There are so many situations that call for us to “wait”. It’s all throughout the Bible, (thank goodness we don’t live as long…. Abraham's and Sarah’s wait? Yeesh….) We WILL ALL go through periods of waiting. But the wait is our refining time. Our preparation period. We wait, and grow, and learn and all the while He prepares us for our “next thing”, whatever that may look like for each of our individual lives. It’s not worth stepping out of His will and rushing ahead, because not only do we inevitably make a mess of things, but we miss out on what’s most important. We stunt our spiritual growth. We limit our understanding and intimacy with our amazing God.

Be still. Wait on God’s perfect timing, and in the wait, discover all that He has for you. What’s coming will be all the sweeter as a result.  <3

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” – Psalm 139:23-24

Gratitude in the Unexpected: Our Trip Frustrations

I woke up this morning desperate for some one on one time with God. I didn’t get any this weekend while we were away, and after the “adventure” we had, my spirit was severely depleted. Let me just recap the highlights of our weekend before I get to the main point of this post.

First of all, we absolutely had an amazing time. It was exhausting, because well, we have 6 kids under 9, but we had a blast. However, Satan was throwing stones (at times it felt like boulders) at us the entire time.

Let me start with Friday night when Dave’s car battery died three times while he was taking Spanky to his respite family. He ended up having to buy a new one on the way home. Unexpected expense #1.

We had planned to head out by 11 Saturday morning, but our first hiccup was that we did not have the bungee cords for our roof carrier, so Dave had to run out and get those. By the time we loaded and got on the road, it was after 1. However, we needed air in our tires and lunch for the kids so we shot down wards to Sheetz (free air)…. Mistake #1, Wards on the Saturday before Christmas. We pull up to sheetz and get stuck in a line of about 6 cars waiting for air. So we decide to go to Walmart first then come back. All went well at first, I shot through the store as fast as I could and then checked- out. I even found a $5 pizza half price. However, after the cashier rung me up, I noticed she charged me full price for the pizza. I rationalized arguing over $2.50, but I figured let me at least ask. She said, oh yes, I’m sorry, customer service can help you…. Again, I wondered if it was worth it, but I went over and got through the line in a couple minutes. All seemed well until this cashier was struggling to get the correct discounted price as well. He tried 3 times, then called the manager. At this point I’m kicking myself for even worrying about $2.50 and had it not been for feeling like I would have wasted his time, I would have just left. But I sat there… for a good 15 minutes. Oh well, it bought us a quest bar later.

We get air and get on the road by 3:00. I was frustrated by the delay but tried to not let it get to me. As we are driving, we get about 20  minutes down the road and Dave lets out a gasp. Our stuff is flying on the highway off of our roof carrier. He pulls to the side of the road and begins walking down the side of the highway back towards our stuff… He finds a glove and a hat, and as he starts to walk further, he sees a car pulling back onto the highway after grabbing something off the side of the road. Sure enough, they stole our bag of all of our swimwear, goggles and suits. He’s standing right in front of them, they drive right past our vehicle and we are out 8 swimsuits, four pairs of goggles and a pack of swimmy diapers. Fast forward now another 40 minutes and the baby starts screaming. He has a blow out and we have to stop again to clean him up.

We finally arrive at our hotel around 7:00 that night. As we are unloading, a cup falls off the roof carrier and cracks. What makes this so frustrating is that my friend had loaned us her two mugs from Christmas town so we could get the $1.99 refills of hot cocoa… however the first cup was now broken and we soon discovered the other had flown off the roof with our other items. So now, we had to buy her two new mugs which was another $16 we were not anticipating spending.

We go up to the hotel and start calling around to see who might have swimwear. Ya’ll, it’s December, so no one has swim wear, which I knew but we were hopeful. Finally, we discover Target just put theirs out. Talk about eating humble pie. I am the first to criticize stores for putting out summer items in the dead of winter, and yet here we were taking full advantage of it. We go to Target and even with getting the boys shorts instead of swim suits, we are out another $140…. That we had not intended to spend. (it wasn’t until later that day that we realized we also lost all the goggles, which will cost us another $50 to replace, but that was not something we were willing to spend right now). We also stopped at Walmart to purchase swimmy diapers only to discover, they were not selling them this time of year. So we had to put the baby in Elias’s underwear and pray he wouldn’t take a dump in the pool.

When we got to Christmas town, we discovered that our tickets did not include parking… so for the two times we went, we dropped another $30 just to park our car somewhere.

Fast forward to the evening when we are having  our special dinner out. We budgeted about $50, but when we received the bill it was $76… and that was not including tip. Both our hearts sank. Generally kids drinks are included with their meals, however this was not the case with this particular restaurant. That coupled with Dave getting two entrees… well, there we had it. So we again tried to move on from the blow.

The weekend was full of so many little frustrations that seemed much bigger in the midst of all the others. I’m not gonna lie, while my amazing husband desperately tried to remain positive, I was sinking into a negative nancy mindset and struggling to pull myself out. I wanted to throw my hands up and scream, "God, we so desperately needed this break, You know this, why are we being bombarded with so many obstacles and frustrations?!" But one thing I have learned, over and over again, is that its through the supposed inconveniences that we grow and learn the most. Though God may not be the one causing them, He will absolutely use them if we let Him.

 We managed to enjoy ourselves and have a blast for the remainder of our time, but the financial drain of everything was hanging over our heads.  

When we arrive home, my mom sends me a text asking if I had a package on my porch. Long story short, we did in fact receive a package Saturday, however, it was stolen right off our front porch that night. It was a gift from my aunt, and ya’ll I’m not gonna lie, at this point the tears just flowed. I was so frustrated and angry, and a big bottle of wine was sounding better and better by the minute. But, I took a shower, cooled off and went to bed looking forward to that quiet time in the morning that I knew would refresh my spirit.

Financial issues are stressful no matter what your situation, but considering we will no longer have a second income as of January, this whole situation stung that much more. One thing I have really been trying to do after surrendering my job to the Lord, is remembering to ask for His help, even in the simple things. The weather for our trip was looking awful last week, so I prayed God would keep the rain off so we could enjoy our time, and He did. I lost an envelope with $40 last week and as my mom started praying, I found it. When I lost my phone on the trip, it took me 15 minutes of losing my cool and coming to the brink of tears before I did, but I finally prayed for God’s help and instantly found it.

Dave’s work had sent out a message a month ago saying everyone was getting bonuses and a tiny raise mid December. But then we were told we weren’t getting it, the new were told we might, then we were told we wouldn’t again… So I prayed. December 15^th rolled around and God blessed us with the bonus. I thought it was to help us have some cushion since we would be losing my pay, so when all of these unexpected expenses came up this weekend, I was frustrated that it was being blown on junk we weren’t planning to buy. However, God tugged at my heart and reminded me that had we not had that money, we would have really been hurting this weekend. Because we had it, we were able to buy these things without it really sinking us financially. So though that cushion has been severely depleted, we are not in debt as a result, and that is a huge blessing in and of itself. God provided, and though I thought it was for one reason, He showed it was for another. Regardless, He provided. He cared enough to do that, even for stupid material things that aren’t a “need”.

I read a devotional this morning talking about the story of the 10 lepers that Christ healed, and the fact that only one, the non-Jew, came back praising and thanking Him. They called out to Him in their need, referred to Him as Master and Lord, and when He blessed them, they forgot to thank Him for His generosity and compassion. To quote the devotional:

“But in the mirror image, that’s just like us too. We call Him Lord and yet walk away after the miracle. He is so patient and so forgiving… God wants our gratitude. HE doesn’t need a pretty song or a polished service. He wants our repentance and will so he can retune our lives to His purity…Especially in times when we don’t get the answer we hope, we are to be grateful because He already knows our needs – His grace is sufficient.”

Gratitude. Even when things don’t go as I want or hope. He provides and answers prayer repeatedly, and I am just like the 9 other Jews who walked away from an incredible miracle. So I am choosing today to see His hand, His provision, His blessing and generosity. He is so good to me. He is so faithful, even when I act like a spoiled brat.

“I will give thanks to You, Lord, with all my heart. I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.” – Psalm 9:1

When God says "Wait and See": Saying Goodbye to a Decade of Childcare

So, several weeks ago I felt God nudging me to close the door on my daycare journey. This was the first
time I had more daycare kids than my own during the day, and even though my big kids are all at school,
5 under two has proved to be more challenging than I thought in the midst of my already crazy life.
However, as always, I swallowed my concerns and ignored that quiet whisper telling me to hand it over,
and I pushed on believing it would just get better. Well, last week I received notice from one of my
daycare parents. While it caught me off guard, I was eerily at peace about it and for the first time, well,
ever, I didn’t immediately jump into panic mode and begin searching for a replacement. That quiet
whisper started to ring in my ears once again saying, “it’s time to close this door. This season of your life
is over, you need to trust Me.” I even told Dave Friday afternoon I felt like God was telling me to let it go
NOW, before I see His plan because I felt like He was telling me to trust Him FIRST, then watch and see
what He will do. So this time, I chose to sit on it and pray. I prayed for direction and peace, I prayed for
clarity, because unless God makes it crystal clear I tend to second guess myself to death. I gave myself
until this past Monday (the 5th) to make a decision, and though by Monday I knew in my heart and gut
that I needed to let it go, I still clung to MY control over the situation. “Ok, God, I will let them know In
February, that way we can at least get our tax return back and pay off these medical bills… it makes
much more sense to wait.” I gave God a timeline, completely disregarding His call for me to let go in
Faith, not when it makes sense, but when HE says its time. In my mind I justified it believing I was in fact
listening, I was just trying to make a logical and wise decision regarding the “When”. Well, Monday night
as I was going to bed, I received a text from my other daycare parents saying they were giving their one
month notice as well. I literally laughed. Then I became angry at God for not letting me make the
decision on my own, rather I felt He ripped it from right under me. Then I was consumed with anxiety
over the finances. I knew this was Him, without a shadow of a doubt. I was 100% sure God closed those
doors because He had made it very clear this season of my life was done. So with that knowledge, I
knew I couldn’t find replacements, I needed to really trust God and His promise to provide. Why is that
so hard ya’ll?? HE proves He is faithful time and time again, and yet it took me a few hours to calm down
and fall asleep, and every time the baby woke me up last night, I was met once again with an anxious
heart. I woke up this morning and laid aside my current book so I could search the Scriptures for
encouragement. It was all over, flooding my mind and yet I still couldn’t seem to catch my breath.
God, being the amazing Father that He is, ended up allowing me a day with no daycare kiddos today.
They all called out, which is rare. And as I went on with my morning, talking with Elias, playing with the
baby, actually accomplishing some chores around the house, I realized He gave me this day off after my
news so I could taste what He was laying at my feet. I have been a mom almost 10 years and I have
provided daycare for just as long. I have never just been home with MY kids. This year has been tough as
I have been unable to attend a lot of things at school with my big kids since I have had so many littles at
home. This change means I will have the freedom to come and go as I please. I can go to lunch with my
kids whenever I want, I can go to the gym in the morning and not in the midst of my crazy evening
schedule, I can grocery shop during the day with only TWO kids and not burn up my evenings or time
with my family on the weekends, I can go see my husband at work, I can put the kids down whenever I want without a time limit, I can greet my family after school and work without being a frazzled burnt out
mess. I can simply just be a Mother and a Wife for the first time ever.
Then I started to look at the bigger picture… Why did God allow me to take on all these kids in the first
place if He was simply going to take it all away only three months later? Because He provided what we
needed to helps us finish out this year: with the sudden death of my washing machine, excessive
medical bills, car issues, Christmas, etc… yes, that stuff will inevitably always be there, but II get to
watch Him provide in other ways from now on. Why did we go through all that work to prep our house
only to end up staying? Because God wanted us to refinance and save almost $200 a month. He even
allowed us to pretty it up for not only the appraisal, but I also believe so I could simply enjoy my home
just a little bit more. (We tend to think God doesn’t care about those little things, but He does. Just as
we love to bless our children, our Father loves to bless us. ) Why did He make me give it up now and not
allow me to wait until tax time? I’m sure many reasons apply here, but I know one for sure is that my
internship starts January 16th and will go on through May. I was still struggling to figure out how I was
going to manage all of that, and He took care of it for me. I could go on and on, and some things are still
yet to be answered. However, I see His hand, I know His heart, and I trust His path for my family and I.
He is moving in big ways outside of this particular situation right now. We are stepping into 2017 with
zero sense of direction, but knowing change is coming. I can best describe it as this: rather than God
revealing the entire path and its destination, He is shining a flashlight on one stepping stone at a time,
and we are simply following His lead.
We thought 2016 was going to be our “year of change”, but oddly enough it was simply a year of
complete uncertainty and a whole lot of waiting. 2017 is already proving to be a year of change. I will
close the door on a decade of childcare, I will receive my bachelor’s degree in May after being in and out
of school for 12 years. And, once we say goodbye to sweet Spanky, we will be closing the door on foster
care as well. That is a whole other story in itself, but things never EVER go as we plan or expect. It’s one
reason I have come to despise planning for anything. One thing I know for sure is that God has a purpose
in EVERYTHING. His call for us to foster was not misheard, He absolutely led us into that ministry.
However, where we went in thinking it was going to be more of us simply serving and loving the
children, it ended up being one of the most trying, emotionally draining, and spiritually challenging
things we have ever experienced. God used it to break us and mold us in more ways than I care to
recount. And I believe He has a purpose in our future for the work He did in us during these three years
of fostering.
I went into LifeWay the other day to find a new book and absolutely NOTHING stood out. Hundreds of
books and none drew me in….except one. It is titled “Wait and See” and I remembered working through
a devotional based on it several weeks back. I grabbed it and plan to start it with my friend Christina this
week. However, this morning I went back and reread the devotional, and God led me to this:
“When our pause seems more like a wilderness, we must be determined to strengthen our faith by
trusting His timing.”
There is nothing scarier and yet more exhilarating then “Waiting” with the full assurance that we WILLget to “See” God fulfill His perfect plan. The waiting is scary, uncertain, and oh so faith building… but
when He finally reveals His plan…. All that time, all the work He did in our hearts and our minds during
the wait, oh how much more precious the gift of His perfect plan becomes. I can’t wait to See what He
has in store. I generally choose a motto at the beginning of every year….well, really God lays it on my
heart. 2017 is already being stamped with: “Wait and See”.
“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” – Psalm 27:14

Am I ok with that?

              I signed up for a class this fall for the first time in a year. It was looking like everything was going to work out perfectly, my class even ends in October and my daycare kiddos don’t start until then so the timing was perfect. The end was in sight. Two classes left and an internship and I would graduate in May. After over 10 years of working toward this degree, I was FINALLY going to be done. But, if there is one thing I can say with absolute certainty about this year…and last… its that nothing is going to be smooth. Nothing will work out as I expected it to. So whenever I get side swiped by unexpected circumstances, I don’t know why it still leaves me standing there like a broken and lost puppy.

                I apparently broke enrollment by taking a year off, so I was told to re-apply. What I was not told is that this would now put me on the current year’s degree completion plan… and with that, my class load tripled. I now am looking at 6 more classes and an internship, rather than two. I wanted to cry at this news, but we had family over and I had to push it all back inside and wait for a moment… a moment that never came. Last night was spent waking up far too often with babies, and this morning I missed the alarm so I only got about 15 minutes of quiet time before my kids started rolling in. I attempted to go back after breakfast and read more, but they won’t have it. So, the tears are sitting behind my eyelids waiting to burst out at the next “opportune time”. In the meantime, I found myself venting to God in my head this morning. The reason I stepped away from school last year was to focus all my energy and attention on my family. I was worn down and overloaded so I listened to God’s call on my heart to take a step back and let go of the “extras” that were wearing me out so I could give my family what they needed. So, I was admittedly angry with God this morning as I felt I was being “screwed over” for walking in obedience. We know that’s not how He works. I KNOW there is a reason, and hey, they could accept my appeal and let me go back to my original degree completion plan with no issues. However, though that is my hope, I couldn’t help but feel God saying one thing in response to all my whining and complaining… “But if they don’t, if you have to take those four extra classes, will you be ok with that?” This is the theme lately. “If the house doesn’t sell and you have to stay there longer, will you be ok with that?” “If Lynchburg is where I want you to be, are you ok with that?” “If I don’t want you to do foster care for a while, will you be ok with that?” “If this is your last baby, are you ok with that?” “If all you want is not what I want for you right now, ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?” – (insert my post yesterday about feeling like the pieces of my life are all scattered up in the air and I am waiting down here with no real sense of direction or answers to my many MANY questions. )

              Am I ok with that… with any of it… I think all of that comes down to how much I trust my life in the hands of the Almighty. My response this morning was yes God, if this is what you want and that is the outcome that plays out, I will be ok with that. I won’t like it, but I will trust You. The thought of it made my heart hurt and my stomach drop, but I have to ask myself if I really believe in the promises of God’s word. Then this morning, even though I had so little time in the Word, God gave me this perfect nugget of truth to comfort me today:

“How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears you, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more. With your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying: “This is the way; walk in it.” – Isaiah 30: 19-22

Lysa Terkeurst added: “If we want His direction for our decisions, the great cravings of our souls must not only be the big moments of assignments. They must also be the seemingly small instructions in the most ordinary of moments when God points His Spirit finger saying, “Go there”.

          Ok God, I’ll go there. I don’t get it, it kinda sucks, but I trust You. However this pans out, whatever tomorrow looks like, I trust You. <3 

The Ugly Mom

"When our lives show our humanity, it gives to others the beautiful and much needed permission to be human themselves." - Kim Crandall

It's been a rough few months. Exhausting, discouraging, uncertain, and frustrating to say the least. So, of course, blow ups and break downs are far more likely to occur. Yesterday was one of those REALLY rough days. The baby wouldn't stop fussing, I tried to get the house back in order with 8 kids in tow and it was a futile effort. The bickering, the questioning, the tattling, the NEEDING. By 4:00 I was walking around like a zombie, completely unaware and unmoved by anything and everything going on around me, bouncing the baby as I stared at the mounds of laundry I'd been trying two attack for to hours to no avail.

Then my kids come running in the room saying," MOM! Kyleigh broke the baby gate! she broke it right out of the wall, look! here's the piece!" I then proceed to ask how this happened, to which they replied, "We were trying to get the mattress up the stairs so we could slide down and it broke it!" Now, don't get me wrong... I am a relaxed mom and mattress sliding down the stairs would normally be totally acceptable, BUT, our staircase is very narrow and not quite long enough. We learned early on that it just wasn't doable so I told the kids (more than once) not to do it anymore. I say this to explain my reaction just a little better (not that it justifies it).

I turned to look at them, stared at them with the look of complete disappointment and anger and said, " Well thanks guys. Thanks so much. Because once again you broke something that I don't have the money to replace. Just add that to the list! You know, the ever growing one of lost shoes, broken cabinets and doors, the fan I can't replace, and everything else in the dang house. Go ahead, go on and break the rest of our crap, you're going to anyways! Go, get out of here." - Yep, that happened. Shamefully so. My poor kids looked so crushed, their little spirits deflated right in front of me. The all immediately apologized, several times, to which I replied with a very hard and unconvincing, "It's FINE!" All but Landon walked away. None of them can handle when mommy is upset, especially when its with them. They immediately try to fix it. Landon kept saying, "I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry. Can I help you? Can i cook dinner?" Kyleigh went off to plan a way to lift my spirits, and Hayden took Elias outside to write "Happy Anniversary" in the dirt for me (its not our anniversary, but to her, this was a special way to aplogize ;) ). I broke down at the stove as the guilt slowly suffocated me.

What a crappy mom I am. Who does that? Who purposely guilts their kids like that? It's not their fault everything is so rough right now. It's not their fault finances are tight or that the baby is fussy and making me lose my mind. And they are just kids, why on earth do I hold them to such high expectations? Well, because I clearly suck as a mother and human being all together, obviously.

You want to know how else I suck? I am so prideful that apologies are far and few from my mouth. I generally feel justified in my reactions, and it takes a lot of me to say I'm sorry. (this is true in my marriage, and my poor husband has patiently endured this for 12 years). And even when I do force an apology out its like I just shot myself in the gut. It hurts. I absolutely hate it. And quite honestly, I only half heartedly mean it most of the time.

My book recently pointed out that the key to overcoming this "mom guilt" is to live in the gospel daily. We always attempt to "try harder" and "do better".I don't know about all of you, but this rarely ever goes well for me. I just continue to fail and fall short. So her challenge? To LIVE in the gospel daily. We are forgiven already. We are covered in grace. My blow ups, shortcomings and ugly words are nailed to the cross. Its done. And not only has Christ already forgiven me, but my kids never fail to cover me in forgiveness as well.

I turned to them all when they came back in, and, with oh so much effort, I forced myself to show humility and apologized to my kids for my reaction. Kyleigh immediately said, "NO MOM! you don't need to be sorry! we were the ones that were wrong." (ugh, ouch) I replied, " No, even if what you guys did was wrong, mommy was wrong in how she reacted, and I am sorry." D.J. quickly came back with the words, "its ok mommy, I forgive you." My skin crawled at the words. My pride shot through the roof and I had to fight it back. My flesh said, "YOU forgive ME?!" Its in the moments where you realize just how ugly we are, and how desperately we need Christ's forgiveness and grace. I hope the more I force this, the more God works, the easier this apology and humility thing gets, because its just another thing I "suck at".

My daughter went out with her daddy last night and came home with three things: Trash bags, a huge chocolate bar, and two boxes of bacon. She bought them for me. I needed trash bags, I love chocolate, and though the bacon was "for everyone" I do believe she had ulterior motives there LOL. She bought them with the very money she spent the past two days earning. I argued with her telling her I didn't want her to use her money, but she stubbornly insisted. I was humbled. Even after being a crappy mom and making her feel small and hurt earlier in the day, she showed me grace. I adore my kids. They drive me crazy, but they are amazing, and some of the best examples of Christ's love in my life. I share this to encourage anyone else who feels like an awful mom. You aren't alone. And its because of those very ugly moments that Christ died for us. So we could live in His finished work, in His freedom, and rest in His strength, even on the worst of days.

"In my self -focused pursuit to prove myself worthy, I had forgotten about GOd's sovereignty and His perfect plan for our family: he gives us the exact children he wants us to have for our joy as well as our growth. He also gives our kids exactly the mothers they need; he uses our strengths AND our weaknesses to help them grow. When I measure myself against God's law, I am indeed a bad mom, and my need drives me to depend fully on Christ as my hope and strength. As mothers, we can't ever be enough for our children. Only Christ can meet their every need perfectly. Our hope as mothers should be in Him an His redeeming work, not our own work. Praise the Lord for the fact that we can do that!" - Kim Crandall