D turns 8...

Our little buddy turns 8 tomorrow, but we have been celebrating since yesterday. ;) (we tend to drag birthdays out over here lol) What a whirlwind of emotions these last two months have been! The first month with our new friend left Dave and I questioning so many things: whether we were really supposed to be doing this, if we made a mistake taking an older child, if we had the desire or even heart to push on, etc..etc.. I never thought I'd be one of those people I so quickly criticized. The one's that claimed a child "didn't fit" with their family. Those words made my heart sink and I always became so furious with the individuals that had the nerve to speak them. And yet two weeks ago, I sat on my living room couch staring at Dave saying, "I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if he "fits" here". Even saying them made my stomach so sick and I felt a wave of guilt rush over me. What the heck was wrong with me? How could ANY child not fit?? I would never say one of my own didn't "fit", I don't care who birthed them, my thoughts have always been that if they are in need, they are family. So though I said those awful ugly words, my heart was screaming at me to hang on. I felt God whispering in the depths of my spirit, "I am holding you. I sent him to you guys, just trust me." I fought Him a bit and brought my concerns up to our case worker and she left it up to us to determine what we wanted to do. That was the day of court, when the judge would decide where this poor child would spend the next several months. To make a long story short, a family member has stepped up and is attempting to get custody, but this won't happen until sometime after school ends, if at all. With that, we were faced with the news that we were going to have this little guy stay with us for at least another two or three months. I thought this news would terrify my, but I had an overwhelming peace. Maybe it was because we knew there was an end, and if it continued to be as difficult as it had been, we could push through knowing there was a "time limit". I'm not really sure what was truly going on in my heart at the time, but I know Dave and I both agreed he would stay with us until that decision was officially made. 

The first month with D was tougher than I expected. Nothing like the horror stories we have all heard about foster care, he is a good kid. But he has kept his guard up with me, keeping me at arms length. I believe this was his way of staying loyal to his mama. He doesn't have a good father figure, but his mother does love him and he adores her. To let another "mother figure" in would be betrayal in a young child's mind, and I understood that even though it hurt. We had kept our age range with foster care to children under 6 because we wanted them younger than our own, but for some reason we both felt we should say yes when we got the phone call for this little man. Trying to love and guide a child that has such a foundation already is more difficult than I could have imagined. I love without hesitation. You give me a child off the street and I would love them as my own right at that moment. Kids have always been a soft spot for me. But this guy revealed to me that my love was surprisingly more conditional that I thought. As he remained distant and continued to tear me down, making comments that caused me to feel so very small and unappreciated,  I found my heart hardening towards him, a child. I felt silly and selfish for letting it get to me, but I never anticipated this journey consisting of children that would struggle to love us back. Children who could cause me to shut down inside and find it difficult to love them. I have fallen before God on several occasions, begging for Him to help me through this, to remind me why we were doing this. That I am loving this child regardless of what he does, says or is. He is a child of God and he needs us. Christ loved me when I was far less lovable than D could ever be. Christ fought for me, died for me, and provided me victory all while I remained in my ugly selfish sin, and yet here I am struggling to love this child in front of me. This broken little boy who has seen more ugliness and pain than a person should ever see, let alone a child.

That very same week I did devotions with my kids and God led me to this passage:

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." Luke 6:32-36

That was it for me. I knew what He was telling me, and I knew i needed to overcome my hurt and pride and love this boy regardless of his response, and I have been trying ever since.

God in is amazing grace, has given me a glimpse of hope. This past week I have watched D's walls slowly come down. He has come up to me numerous times this week and randomly just thrown his arms around me, hugging me for several minutes.  We had a family movie night last night and he asked if he could sit on my chair with me, and cuddled with me throughout the entire movie.  When I dropped him off at the gym daycare today, he reached over the counter for a hug and I actually had to pry loose from him because he wouldn't let go. He asked me to take him on a date for his birthday, just he and I. He has told me he loved me, though very quietly, as if too scared to say it out loud, but I heard it.His heart is softening, towards all of us. He is feeling more comfortable, more welcome, more like family.

I have no idea how long he will be with us, but I am so incredibly grateful that God forced me to get over myself, to press on. This year has proven to be a rough one so far. We have had so many things thrown at us in just three short months, and I have been forced to fall on my knees more times than I care to admit. I always struggle to admit I am having a difficult time because I feel like I have no room to complain when so many others have it far worse than I do. But all of our struggles are real, no matter what they are, and I am learning to accept that. I am not naive enough to believe that things are going to magically get better. The days and months ahead are going to be incredibly difficult. We are dealing with a child who has so much in his past, so much inside his little heart, and struggles to express himself in the right ways. There have been more appointments this past two months than I think I have had in the past three years combined. But God is walking with us through this, like He always does. He led us here. He led this little boy into our home, and I pray He provides us with the grace, love and strength we need to give him exactly what He needs. I pray we open ourselves enough before Him to let Him work in this sweet boys heart before we have to send him back into the "unknown".

 Today we celebrate 8 years of life for this special little boy, and I could not be more thankful that God brought him into our lives two short months ago. He will forever hold a place in my heart, in my family's hearts. Happy Birthday D, we do love you sweet boy! <3