Saying Goodbye

So this is our final week with little man, as of Friday he will be moving on to another family. There is a mixture of emotions floating around my head and heart, many of which I am desperately trying to sort through. This past four months has been one of the most trying experiences of my life thus far. We have been living with one of the most difficult people I have ever met and God has broken me daily as I have sought to navigate through this situation, literally taking it day by day simply because thinking beyond that often seemed unbearable. We knew we signed up for a difficult road when it came to fostering children. They are coming from horrible situations and being pulled away from the only family they have ever known. Whether those families are “good” or not, it is a drastic change for these poor babies and we expected the repercussions to be challenging. However, “knowing” it and actually “living” it are two very different things. I have learned so much about my own heart, my own strengths and weaknesses, and my ability and inability to demonstrate Christ’s love in any and all circumstances. My spirit has been drained, my will has been broken, I have fallen before God more times than I can count seeking His power and grace to make it through just one more day.

I have looked into the eyes of this little boy and seen myself…. How I look before my gracious God. The whining, the complaining, the ungratefulness, the entitlement, the anger and hostility, the need for justice and retribution, the self-centeredness and the pride. All the things that made me want to quit, all the emotions and attitudes that made me want to give up and send him away are the very same things I myself continue to demonstrate before God. God never let me forget that. Oh I had my moments where I was blinded by anger and frustration and I failed to act and think as I should, but majority of the time I was slapped in the face with humility as God reminded me that that little boy standing in front of me was no different than myself. That ugliness was simply just more obvious in him because he is still immature and innocent enough to express himself without a filter. Ours is a more difficult for others to notice, but God sees every ugly bit of it.

With this continually in mind, I pressed on. I was forced more than ever in my life to demonstrate unconditional love. Those days when I didn’t feel love towards him, God reminded me that love is not simply a feeling, it is action. It is holding D after he made me feel so small and unappreciated, and reminding him that he is special, that he is loved and that not only do we love him but God loves him more. It is taking him places and spending time with him, even though he continually expressed his dissatisfaction and made us feel as though we never did anything for him. It is showing self-control in the most difficult of situations, taking deep breaths in those moments when all I wanted to do was scream and say things that I know would have forever left a scar on this dear boy’s heart. It is humbling myself before a child and allowing him to say and do things that bring every ounce of my pride bubbling to the surface, and choosing to simply walk away.  It is serving daily without any recognition, gratitude, or appreciation, but simply because there is a need and God has called me to fulfill it in His name.

Oh I have learned so much in such a short time. I’ve learned what it truly means to depend on God day in and day out, seeking Him from the depths of my soul so that I might not be another person in this child’s life that fails him. I know I did fail, far too many times than I can count. I pray God and D can forgive me for my weaknesses, and I pray that despite those failures God was still able to use us in his life, to plant seeds, to show, or at least to point him to Christ. As we prepare to send him off, my only prayer is that he will discover what it truly means to know and live for the Lord. He has an incredibly difficult road ahead of him, no matter the outcome of his current situation. The damage that has already been done will forever hold a place in his heart and it will take the power of God to get him through the journey set before him. I know God will use him in a mighty way one day if he simply just allows Him to. That will be my prayer for his life, even if/when we lose communication. He has a piece of my own heart forever with him, and though I cannot continue to help him at this time, I can and will serve him on my knees. I hope we can be more prepared for the future little lives God brings our way. My faith in God and His promises has grown tremendously, and I hope to hold tight to all I have learned and seen these past few months as we venture into the next chapter of our life. I know D is going to be living with an incredible couple that will love him, guide him and teach him to the best of their ability. What gives me peace above all else is that they are professing believers as well, so though we may not be imparting truth into his little spirit, I know they will continue to do so. Please pray for this little guy as he moves on. Though relief is one of the many emotions I admittedly feel at this time, I also feel concern and hurt as we release complete control into God’s hands and trust that He loves him more than we ever could, and He wants the absolute best for His life. With that, we say goodbye to our little buddy, and we thank God for giving us this opportunity to not only serve but to grow and know Him more deeply.