My Storm and all its Ugly...

Music is my soul medicine. I know not everyone feels that way, but many of you can relate to how it just speaks to the depths of you. God always seems to send just the right song at just the right time too, often times penetrating my heart and literally splitting it in two. Today, as I am in the depths of my current valley, the darkest place in my storm, I started making a cup of coffee and this song came on. My eyes welled up, my heart broke open, and I sat down and just cried the words out to God.

"Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all. When the mountain looks so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shakin' like a leaf, You have been king of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace."

 Yes, at a time when my heart cannot possibly take anymore, when I feel so broken and my emotions are so mixed up that I have no idea what to feel, all I can cry out is Hold me Jesus… Be my Prince of Peace. God has been working in my life fervently this past year. I have learned so much, felt so much, and grown so much. Because of that, I knew something was coming. When I read through the book Fervent, after finishing up Screw Tape Letters, both discussing the hand of Satan in our lives, I knew it was only a matter of time before my life would be turned upside down. I didn’t know what, but I was certain it was coming. And now, here I sit, in the midst of the well anticipated storm, utterly shattered and trying to find my way out. It is the most ugly and yet beautiful thing to experience utter defeat and humility. The hard times really do force us on our knees. Its like our bodies cannot even bare to stand on two feet, with trembling knees we feel the urge to fall flat our faces and seek God’s face, His presence, His peace, His assurance, when all else in our lives doesn’t seem to make sense. Its when all those things we preach during the “good times” are truly tested, and we see just how strong, or weak, our faith really is. I have seen so much ugly in myself, so much immaturity. His light shines in the darkness and reveals all the dirt. A few weeks ago I wrote down several of God’s promises: His promises about loving me, his faithfulness, His deliverance, that He hears me and will provide the desires of my heart, etc… This weekend, in the pit of my ugly, I read over them again and wanted to throw the book against the wall. I looked up and just asked,” where are you? Really? You say all this and yet I see none of it right now. Where is this peace you promise? I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel your presence. I feel angry and defeated and without hope in this situation. What do you want from me?” If you’ve ever had those moments, then you may also resonate with the inner fear that comes with questioning the Almighty God. As the words came out of my mouth I sat there and prayed further for Him to forgive me and not rain hell over me for my lack of respect and faith. (Not that He does that, He is ever so patient and loving, it never fails to amaze me). I still have no answers. I have no real purpose in sharing this except to simply show that despite how things appear, we are all battling something.

 Life is so hard. Even those of us who try desperately to spread hope and encouragement are gurgling the water as we try not to drown in our brokenness and despair. Despite my questions. Despite my lack of peace at this very moment, I still know my God is good. He is here. He is working. I don’t understand it, His ways are not mine, His thoughts are greater, His plans so much bigger. I wish I could rest in that as easy as I can say it. But one day at a time, I seek Him, I cry out to Him, I pour out my heart and I wait.

 I read the other day something that literally rocked me, if I can sound like a hipster Christian for a minute. Timothy Keller pointed out that, “We humans may say, “Let there be light in this room, but then we have to flick on a switch or light a candle. Our words need deeds to back them up and can fail to achieve their purposes. God’s words, however, cannot fail their purposes because, for God, speaking and acting are the same thing. The God of the Bible is a God who “by his very nature acts through speaking”. When the Bible talks of God’s Word, then, it is talking of God’s active presence in the world.” Isaiah 55:11 says, “So is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it”. With that, rather than throw the book with all those beautiful promises written out, I sit here, soak up and meditate on every word and attempt to rest in them. Because they aren’t just words, they aren’t just promises, they simply ARE.

 “You have kept count of my tossings; put all my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?... This I know, that God is for me.” Psalm 56:8-9

“But the Lord is with me, like a mighty warrior.” – Jeremiah 17:7

“He will restore me, he will make me strong, firm and steadfast.” – 1 Peter 5:10

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you WILL SEE the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.” – Exodus 14:13-14

“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him... Do not fret, it only causes harm.” Psalm 37:7-8

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust…” Psalm 40:8

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” – Psalm 40:1-2