My Storm and all its Ugly...

Music is my soul medicine. I know not everyone feels that way, but many of you can relate to how it just speaks to the depths of you. God always seems to send just the right song at just the right time too, often times penetrating my heart and literally splitting it in two. Today, as I am in the depths of my current valley, the darkest place in my storm, I started making a cup of coffee and this song came on. My eyes welled up, my heart broke open, and I sat down and just cried the words out to God.

"Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all. When the mountain looks so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shakin' like a leaf, You have been king of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace."

 Yes, at a time when my heart cannot possibly take anymore, when I feel so broken and my emotions are so mixed up that I have no idea what to feel, all I can cry out is Hold me Jesus… Be my Prince of Peace. God has been working in my life fervently this past year. I have learned so much, felt so much, and grown so much. Because of that, I knew something was coming. When I read through the book Fervent, after finishing up Screw Tape Letters, both discussing the hand of Satan in our lives, I knew it was only a matter of time before my life would be turned upside down. I didn’t know what, but I was certain it was coming. And now, here I sit, in the midst of the well anticipated storm, utterly shattered and trying to find my way out. It is the most ugly and yet beautiful thing to experience utter defeat and humility. The hard times really do force us on our knees. Its like our bodies cannot even bare to stand on two feet, with trembling knees we feel the urge to fall flat our faces and seek God’s face, His presence, His peace, His assurance, when all else in our lives doesn’t seem to make sense. Its when all those things we preach during the “good times” are truly tested, and we see just how strong, or weak, our faith really is. I have seen so much ugly in myself, so much immaturity. His light shines in the darkness and reveals all the dirt. A few weeks ago I wrote down several of God’s promises: His promises about loving me, his faithfulness, His deliverance, that He hears me and will provide the desires of my heart, etc… This weekend, in the pit of my ugly, I read over them again and wanted to throw the book against the wall. I looked up and just asked,” where are you? Really? You say all this and yet I see none of it right now. Where is this peace you promise? I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel your presence. I feel angry and defeated and without hope in this situation. What do you want from me?” If you’ve ever had those moments, then you may also resonate with the inner fear that comes with questioning the Almighty God. As the words came out of my mouth I sat there and prayed further for Him to forgive me and not rain hell over me for my lack of respect and faith. (Not that He does that, He is ever so patient and loving, it never fails to amaze me). I still have no answers. I have no real purpose in sharing this except to simply show that despite how things appear, we are all battling something.

 Life is so hard. Even those of us who try desperately to spread hope and encouragement are gurgling the water as we try not to drown in our brokenness and despair. Despite my questions. Despite my lack of peace at this very moment, I still know my God is good. He is here. He is working. I don’t understand it, His ways are not mine, His thoughts are greater, His plans so much bigger. I wish I could rest in that as easy as I can say it. But one day at a time, I seek Him, I cry out to Him, I pour out my heart and I wait.

 I read the other day something that literally rocked me, if I can sound like a hipster Christian for a minute. Timothy Keller pointed out that, “We humans may say, “Let there be light in this room, but then we have to flick on a switch or light a candle. Our words need deeds to back them up and can fail to achieve their purposes. God’s words, however, cannot fail their purposes because, for God, speaking and acting are the same thing. The God of the Bible is a God who “by his very nature acts through speaking”. When the Bible talks of God’s Word, then, it is talking of God’s active presence in the world.” Isaiah 55:11 says, “So is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it”. With that, rather than throw the book with all those beautiful promises written out, I sit here, soak up and meditate on every word and attempt to rest in them. Because they aren’t just words, they aren’t just promises, they simply ARE.

 “You have kept count of my tossings; put all my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?... This I know, that God is for me.” Psalm 56:8-9

“But the Lord is with me, like a mighty warrior.” – Jeremiah 17:7

“He will restore me, he will make me strong, firm and steadfast.” – 1 Peter 5:10

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you WILL SEE the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.” – Exodus 14:13-14

“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him... Do not fret, it only causes harm.” Psalm 37:7-8

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust…” Psalm 40:8

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” – Psalm 40:1-2

Snow days, disabilities, crazy mom and unconditional love...

After six days home with the kids, and now going into the 7th, I'm going a little crazy being off a normal routine. It really hasn't been THAT bad, but apart from the normal chaos that exists within such a large family (plus daycare kiddos), adding the pregnancy and its hormones as well as being couped up with two special needs boys, I'm struggling not to lose my cool at this point. God is funny with that though, He never lets me get away with it. On one of the more "ugly" days this week, I randomly pulled a book off my shelf and opened it up. I have no idea why, I was literally in a daze and just trying to focus on anything besides the crazy juice that was getting ready to burst out of my skin. I opened it up to a random page and this is what was highlighted,

"My child does not cause me to be the way I am but rather reveals the way I am. Therefore, when my response is sinful, I must own up to this as my issue...

Our kids to not cause us to sin but reveal our sinful choices. Unconditional love means there is no condition (circumstance or characteristic) that forces us to be harsh, even hateful, toward our children. Jesus taught: " For from within, out of the heart" come our sinful choices, which He lists in great number (Mark 7:21). Our children's disobedience or disrespect does not cause us to react in unloving ways. Our reaction comes from within."

Ouch. Hello ugly, sinful, selfish me. Not my kids. Me. I have said on numerous occasions that parenting is one of God's greatest tools for refinement. He teaches us, breaks us, molds us, stretches us and forces us into corners where we have no choice but to look up and hold tight to the faith we profess.

Landon and Spanky are my greatest "refining fires" right now. Landon's issues are known, and I have mentioned how difficult he can be on his days off, with a lack of structure and routine. Add to that this little boy who, though we have yet to name a specific diagnosis yet, has definite special needs and is developmentally delayed because of his history. Its one thing to be in the dark, navigating the world of autism, and learning to demonstrate patience and love in the midst of some of the most annoying and trying situations I have ever been in. But let’s add to that a little boy who at age 4, often times acts like a 2 year old, both mentally and emotionally, and who cognitively struggles to critically think, often leaving us scratching our heads at the statements and questions he poses. He is the sweetest kid, we love him, and he has a beautiful personality, but like Landon, the sweet side is often overrun by the annoyances and frustrations that frequently occur as a result of their disabilities. With Landon at least I now know WHAT I am working with and I have avenues and places to go for advice and direction. With Spanky we are still trying to figure out what his specific issues are, and that makes it even more difficult to show patience when you are literally at your wits end most days with little advice to go on.  

With that said, being home for 6 days with not only these two kiddos but the 4 + others: along with the sopping wet floors, the piles of wet snow clothes that I have helped put on and take off more times than I can count, the mounds of laundry and dishes, the constant fighting, the over exhaustion that leads to endless and unmerited tears, the spills, the messes, the chaos… simply put, the life that comes with one big crazy family…let’s just say what is “coming forth from my heart” has not been pretty. It’s humbling and at times very discouraging, however I am thankful for a God who doesn’t leave me as I am nor leave me alone in my attempt to overcome these shortcomings. He not only reveals the sin, but showers me with His promises every morning when I take the time to seek Him. He has placed each one of these kids in my life, special needs and all, and because I know nothing with Him is by accident or without purpose, I know He will provide me with just what I need to see it through, one day at a time. AND, if I let Him, He will thus pour into these beautiful kids through me, each with their own unique situation and rise them up to be the amazing people He has created them to be. Here’s to one more day of learning to love unconditionally...and Lord willing "penciling in" a shower. Thank goodness I have a perfect role model to look up to. <3 

2015 - What.A.Ride.

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and attempt to sum up my take on 2015 for me personally, in as few words as possible because this has been a heck of a year for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It is no surprise that the final two books I have read in the year 2015 were The End of Me by Kyle Idleman and I am currently finishing up Jen Hatmaker's book "Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity". I thrive on reading, it feeds me in every way possible. God has used amazing authors (apart from His Word) to fill me, fuel me, and completely turn my life upside down. I am more than half way through Hatmaker's book and I feel like I am reading my own words to describe God's work in my life this year. She labeled her own journey as the "descent down". While society tells us we are supposed to make our way to the top, to be successful, to strive for better and greater, Jesus calls His people to live in complete opposition to the cultural norm. And He has spent the last year (well, much longer, but this year was a large piece of the puzzle) bringing me to the bottom, to the end of "myself"; my pride, selfish ambitions, and my comfortable Christianity so that I have no other option but to rely completely on Him and discover the amazing life He has waiting for me if I'd simply let go of all that holds me back. I'm nowhere NEAR the end of this journey: it is life long and only beginning for me, but I am thankful for the many ways He has broken me these last 12 months. One statement that I continue to chew on from Jen’s book is this: “Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else to be fed”. Kyle Idleman adds that, “brokenness is the way to wholeness…if you’re going to live, you’re going to lose”. I have prayed for years to experience Him more intimately, and I am learning that that can only happen when I come to the end of myself, when we reach those valleys and the only thing we are left with is our ability to call out to our Lord and seek His face, His help, His strength, and simply just HIM. There is nothing more frustrating nor more terrifying than having all control slowly ripped from your hands, left completely dazed and clueless, but, “there is much value in the struggle” (Interrupted, p. 31).  I know He is working something out in my life, in OUR lives. I think 2015 was a year of brokenness and releasing control, and in turn, I believe 2016 is going to be a year of much change for my family and I. What that will look like, I have no idea, but I am learning to trust despite the uncertainty, fear, and unknown, because the One I am trusting in has proven to be completely faithful and His way is so much greater than anything I could ever choose on my own. I’m terrified but elated. Anxious but eager. Exhausted but full of peace. I can’t wait to see where He takes us. As Jen Hatmaker stated, “God does not change, but He uses change to change us. He sends us on journeys that bring us to the end of ourselves. We often feel out of control, yet if we embrace His leading, we may find ourselves on the ride of our lives”. I share this stuff with you all because I do not believe God wants us to keep our journeys stuffed under a rug, tucked away in the dark corners of our hearts. We are called to let Him shine through us. As I learn, as I grow, as I fall flat on my face, I share it in hopes that somehow He will receive the glory He is due in the midst of it all. If you watch and see my many slip ups, my many mistakes and the utter stupidity that I let slip through far too often, may you see His grace and work cover it all regardless of myself. Here’s to a New Year sweet family and friends, whatever it has in store, I have no doubt it will be one heck of a ride. ;)

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.” – Jeremiah 17:7 

Mommy Guilt - my personal prison.

So I haven’t forgotten my 30 day writing challenge of “30 things I didn’t expect when becoming a parent”. In fact, this week I have been dealing head on with the absolute worst item on that very list. It’s such a struggle for me that rather than elaborate on all of the other silly things that I didn’t expect as a parent, I am going to simply forget my challenge and write one emotional post about this topic alone. Mommy Guilt.  This is my prison. I live under its rule most every day. I worry, stress, and fear over my potential to fail my kids as a mother. I feel like everything I do is never enough, I take all the blame for anything wrong in their lives and never embrace the good in them as a reflection of my efforts. My greatest fear, the one thing that cripples me emotionally and mentally most days, is that one day I will look back or stare in the faces of my children and wish I had done things differently. That I will regret my decisions or that my decisions for their lives cause them any sort of pain or harm. I find I spend most days failing to properly parent because I feel so guilty for not giving them enough time, enough affection, enough scripture, enough wisdom, enough of ME. I live in a state of feeling like I am never enough and my efforts always fall short. It’s exhausting and emotionally crippling. And though I recognize its hold in my life and I know very well who is responsible for its presence, I feel hopeless to overcome it.

2015 is coming to a close and I have already declared this year to be looked back upon as the year of my “I can’t do its”. God has slowly stripped me down these past 10 months, revealing to me just how incredibly weak I really am, that I do not possess any type of “super powers”, that I am just one person and I cannot wear a million hats and I can definitely not wear them well if I try. The year started with me facing a giant heartbreak in having to release a little boy out of our care that I knew needed more than what I could give. This was followed by the news that my little boy has autism and will face a different set of struggles in this life than the rest of us. I faced the truth that I couldn’t teach him myself, that I am unable to handle his melt-downs gracefully, that I have to release him completely into the hands of my Father and trust Him to guide me through this unknown territory. I took time off of school with only two classes left because the toll it was taking on my family and I was more than I could handle anymore. And now, I face the truth that I have been so desperately trying to fight for quite some time. Proverbs 16:9 says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” I have planned from the moment we became parents that I wanted to home school my kids. I experience public and private school and I hated them both. A million reasons surrounded this decision, and I was sure it was the right one. I have spent the last year and a half trying to make it work. Despite the fact that my life is far too crazy and unorganized, far too full for me to do it well, I pushed on believing it would work itself out…it would get better. However, its not getting better. I am overwhelmed with the pressure of trying to plan and teach, not simply just teach, but teach well. I wanted to make learning fun for my kids. I wanted to fill them with God’s truth as we learned, I wanted to enjoy watching my children grow in knowledge and truth, however I haven’t been able to do any of those things. I have literally just gotten by at this point. And in the process, I have struggled to be a good mother because the “teacher” had to come first most days. This week I finally caved. I looked up and said, “ I can’t do it anymore God.” With prayer and oh so much guilt and hesitation, I registered my two big kids for school yesterday and they will start Monday. Add this to my very long list of ways I feel I have failed as a mother, as a person. I feel weak, insecure, and so small. Deep down I know none of this is true, I know Satan is trying to keep me down, keep me from realizing who I am in Christ, that all of this anxiety and fear is not of God and not in the slightest bit necessary. However, my heart still aches and I still feel broken.

I also know that this is right where God wants me: Broken and weak. Because it’s only then that I realize just how much I need Christ, how great God is. It’s only then that I get to see His awesome power at work in my life. Oddly enough I am currently reading a book called, “The End of Me”…. I do not believe that is a coincidence. ;) God is stretching me and stripping me down to a place of complete vulnerability, and though it hurts and I am utterly exhausted, I am so grateful that He loves me enough to not leave me as I am. Satan has no hold on my life, I live in the light of the Victorious One. I am a child of the Almighty God and He wants me to be free. Free of guilt, free of my insecurities and fears. In Christ there is only freedom. We can’t embrace that fully until He brings us to our knees and forces us to wrap our arms around its beautiful truth and empty ourselves before Him, letting Him fill all of the cracks in our broken hearts.

           I can’t say I have fully embraced this freedom, though I so desperately want to. I have cried my share of tears this year….this week…. I have called out to Him and asked Him “how?!” And this morning He answered me loud and clear through the beautiful Priscilla Shirer’s words: “ASK for freedom, for release, for the ability to deflect lies and embrace truth”(Fervent, pg.101). Christ says in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” There is a common theme here, and its simple. ASK. So, I am asking. And I will continue asking, not just for me but for my fellow struggling mama’s out there, because I know God is faithful to His promises and He promises freedom for His children. If I am failing to experience that freedom it has nothing to do with Him and everything to do with me. With my inability to fight the Enemies lies. Priscilla further says, “Fear is one of Satan’s primary schemes for crippling God’s people… IF he’s working that hard to keep me from moving forward, there must be some blessing or beauty from heaven he’s trying to divert me from” (Fervent pg. 109).  Well, I don’t know about you, but I sure as heck don’t want to give him anymore power in my life. My God is far bigger and He instructs over 300 times in scripture (thank you again Priscilla for shedding light on this truth) for his people to not to fear, to not to be discouraged… So to anyone else suffering from the ugly voice of Mommy Guilt, there is freedom from it. We don’t have to stay there and let Satan have that hold in our life, keeping us and our families from experiencing the full blessings and freedom of God. We simply just need to ASK. <3 

Day 2 - The Lonely Road of Motherhood

So I warned you all the consistency would be lacking on this little endeavor… in fairness, I had every intention of writing yesterday but my children love me so much they fail to give me a moment alone. ;) Anyways, the topic on my heart yesterday was a little less sarcastic and a lot more serious, which oddly enough was brought up in my newsfeed by another friend as well. I call this one: The Lonely Road.

Now, I can’t speak for those who are in a working environment because I personally haven’t experienced that. However, as a stay at home mother I can tell you that though I have countless friends and acquaintances that also stay home with their kids, I find it is nearly impossible to find anyone who actually has time to spare for a decent friendship. Everyone’s lives are so full, most working some type of job from home, taking care of their homes and families, extracurricular activities etc. No one has any time for simply just talking life with one another. Now, I have seen countless of my friends express their struggles as introverts, lacking a desire to even seek out relationships and time with others. However, I personally am an extrovert, I love people and I am fueled mentally, emotionally and spiritually when I am spending time with others. This is why I am an avid Facebooker, because the lack of personal relationships is so great in the “real world” that my social self cannot mentally handle being detached from society all day, every day, seven days a week. If it wasn’t for my mother, who is by far my dearest friend that I speak with daily, I honestly think I would be in a state of depression due to the lack of fellowship in my life.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have friends, and I love them dearly. I see people all throughout the week at different things such as church, co-op, awana, bible study, heck even my two daycare kiddos parents are some of my closest friends. However, it’s different when you have random conversations here and there and when you actually invest and share life with those around you. I can’t tell you the last time I had someone randomly “check in” with me just to see how my life was going. This is even more disheartening when I’ve poured out my heart to someone about personal struggles and never hear from them about it again. What happened to friendships that allowed for us to not only be each other’s shoulder to cry on, but vessels of encouragement and discipleship? I personally never imagined how difficult it would be to make friends as an adult, and moreover, I never dreamed becoming a mother would prove to be such a lonely venture. I know I am not alone in this feeling either, I see it all over my newsfeed, hear it from friends, and watch the evidence of it in the statistics of mother’s experiencing depression throughout our country. Why is it so hard for us to make time for each other? And if the effects are so devastating, why don’t we make more of an effort to fix the problem?

Personally, I believe this is one of Satan’s many schemes to keep God’s people down. We were wired to have community and the busier life gets, the less God’s people invest in one another. He brings us to a place of isolation, where even the strongest will struggle with depression and discouragement if not careful. I’d say this is where I am thankful for social media, but then again, I wonder if it didn’t exist then we’d be forced to seek out those relationships most of us desire so badly.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

Day 1 - The Shoe Dilemma

It’s that time of year again, the 30 days of thankfulness have begun and I have yet again failed to participate because I am unorganized, forgetful and quite honestly, pretty lazy these days. However, an idea did cross my mind that I thought would be fun to execute… IF I manage to stick with it. ;)  Considering at the top of my thankful list are my 5 (and soon to be 6) beautiful babies, I thought I’d elaborate on the many ways they have managed to make life all the more, uh, colorful. So today I begin my blog series of: “Thirty things I never anticipated when becoming a parent”.   Except its now 9 days into November, so I may or may not attempt to make up for those lost precious days of opportunity… we will just see where this wind decides to blow in the next few weeks. ;)

So with that, I begin by sharing my first unforeseen experience when I dreamt of being a mommy, and that is: The Shoe Dilemma. I never, ever, not even for a second, anticipated the many ways shoes would affect my life as a parent. They are the thorn in my side, my very own personal kryptonite. I cringe at the thought of leaving my house for it is inevitable that at least half of my clan will be missing their shoes. I believe this is why the “10 minute per child” allowance exists for parents whenever they have a place to be, because we will be spending at least that amount of time searching relentlessly for shoes. It doesn’t matter if you purchased your children one pair or a dozen because when they time comes to go anywhere, they will ALL have mysteriously vanished… or at least one of each pair. Who knew that not only does a sock monster exist in our laundry rooms, but his older, much more evil brother the shoe scrounger also creeps around the halls eagerly waiting to devour the next pair of carelessly tossed footwear. Don’t bother buying a shoe tree or rack of some sort. I did that three years ago and to this day it still stands by my front door, a mere distant memory of a so called “great idea” I once had, for friends and strangers to notice and compliment despite its inability to bring any sort of organization to my home.  

So, to you dear sweet friends out there that are awaiting this beautiful journey called parenthood, I promise you this one thing: Tears will be shed, threats of butt whoopins will be made (with no follow through of course), blood pressures will rise, and one’s personal sanity will cease to exist at the mention of the perilous word “shoes”. I don’t care what size home you have, they will vanish. You will search ruthlessly under every bed, behind every piece of furniture, around every inch of your property, but they will not be found….at least not when you need them, and sometimes never at all. Just in this past month alone my girls have lost four pairs of brand new shoes, Elias’ right sneaker has been missing for several weeks, and Spanky is down to one pair of shoes out of the four we have purchased him…. Oh, just seeing that horrible word written down makes my stomach turn, my head ache, and my nerves crawl. Yes, it has become that big of a problem.

Once upon a time, in my blissful youth and naivety, I loved shoes. They were a staple in my life of fashion and self-worth as a young woman. And now, I’m 9 years into parenting and I want to punch the individual who decided going places barefoot was socially unacceptable.  Praise God for the few joyous months of summer when we can relish in the lack of need for footwear… for during the 9 other months of the year I want to burn every shoe store that dares to enter my path. Consider yourselves warned. ;)

Our Special Boy

I realized after I received a few private messages that I have been pretty vague regarding Landon’s situation. First off, let me just say that he is absolutely fine. He is healthy and there is nothing “wrong” with him, we are just navigating through unknown territory right now, that though not life threatening, it is still cloudy and unfamiliar. As parents you only want the best future for your child, so when curve balls are thrown at them and you foresee a more difficult future for them as a result, your heart breaks no matter the significance. We have suspected for some time now that Landon had more going on. For any that have followed my family over the years, Landon has always been our more “trying” child. I have never felt as though I had any control when it came to him and his temper has always been untamable.  We noticed as he got a little older that he was a loner and showed little interest in socializing with others. His speech has always been difficult for most to understand, and once he hit age 5 we knew it was time to seek out a more definitive answer to whatever we were dealing with.

In April I finally took him in to be evaluated.  It was one of those times where in your gut, you knew what was going to be said but you held on to that small glimmer of hope that you were completely wrong. However, I sat there and within the hour the Dr. informed me without hesitation that she believed he was on the spectrum. To any that are unfamiliar with that term (as I had been prior to all of this), she felt he showed signs of autism. I took it all in, listening to her go on about ADHD, mixed expressive-receptive disorder, etc…etc… I felt like I was dreaming. That sounds cliché, but I really did. I sat there almost numb to the news. What I dreaded most ended up being the truth. The next two months were full of evaluations and meetings, all resulting in an IEP and the final decision to send my baby to school, which is so not how I dreamed of his Kindergarten year.

Let me just say now that I understand this is not the end of the world. He is perfectly healthy, happy and his future is incredibly bright. He is an amazing kid with a beautiful personality and I know God has a great plan for his life. But no one in their right mind wants to hear their child is going to struggle more than others for the rest of his life. I have absolutely no idea how this will look as he gets older. He could very well receive enough therapy and help to get him to a point where he might not even be considered “on the spectrum” anymore, or he may continue the rest of his life struggling not only socially but in his ability to properly communicate with others because of how his brain processes information. Will this affect his career? Will it affect him in the dating and marriage department? What if I do put the kids in school one day, how are other children going to treat him? I just watched a video recently of a 21 year old man beating up an autistic teen at a party. He had someone video tape it and posted it for the world to see. That poor boy was utterly humiliated simply because he was a little different. We live in a very cruel world where bullying is rampant and suicides are happening younger and younger. I want to take my baby and hide him away from all of the ugliness he could possibly face in his future…that he will most likely face at times…all because God made him special.

I have had people play down my situation, making it seem as though it’s “not that big of a deal” or that they didn’t really think there was anything wrong with him. I have had others "over play" my situation, making him seem worse than he is. I have feared sharing it with too many people worrying he will receive some sort of permanent “label” that would cause him more grief. I have been stretched, wrecked, broken, and forced on my knees far more than I care to admit this year, quite possibly more so than any other time in my life. As I have sat in countless offices listening to evaluation after evaluation, sifting through their opinions and results, 98% of the time all on my own, the mama bear in me has fought her way out and dangit, I’m tired of what everyone else thinks. Heck, I'm just tired.

Nothing feels more comforting when you are facing trials of any kind than to know that others can relate, that there are people out there who understand you and what you are feeling. And the only way that happens is by sharing our lives with each other to some extent. This goes not only for myself, but for my boy. To sit her and pretend as that nothing is different is silly. To not share what is going on would be foolish because anyone that meets him will eventually take notice of some of his behaviors and characteristics that differ from what society calls “normal”. I mean, anyone that has seen us in the store when he is having one of his embarrassingly uncontrollable meltdowns and watched me leave in the middle of shopping because I have absolutely no way of bringing him back out of it…would either roll their eyes at me and judge my horrible parenting skills or assume that maybe more was going on. This is real life. We all have different obstacles, trials, and struggles we face and this happens to be one of ours. Four months ago I wouldn’t have said that. IN fact, I tried to write something like this then but removed it for fear of what others would think. But at this point, I don’t really care. I trust my God. I trust in His promises, not only for my life, but for my sweet boy. God makes no mistakes. He has a purpose in EVERY THING, and I have been praying fervently that He will use Landon and his situation for His glory.  

So, when I say I am struggling and when I mention our situation with Landon, this is what I mean. I don’t know what I am doing. I struggle to have a solid conversation with my son and often times this truly lays heavy on my heart. Will I ever be able to discuss life with my baby? Will this barrier always be there? I don’t know what our future holds with it all. I don’t know how to handle him when he has a meltdown, and generally, his melt downs result in my own melt down. I have cried enough this year to last me a decade. I feel lost many days, and yet so many times I feel overjoyed with the hope and progress we see. God has blessed us with AMAZING teachers at his school, an awesome speech therapist, and now a new Dr. that is finally giving me some guidance in all of this. I have met several people along the way who are dealing with very similar situations, and I have also learned that some dear friends are navigating through similar stormy waters right now. The support is amazing, and for that I am so incredibly grateful. In all of this, the only one truly struggling is myself right now because Landon is oblivious and very happy. He loves school, he loves life, and he’s a great kid. I can’t say that will always be the case, and I am sure as he gets older he will begin to understand and acknowledge more, but for now I am thankful that I can figure some of this out before I deal with my baby’s heart on top of it. My motto this past year has been “live for today”, and this situation is no different. We take it one day at a time. The future is unknown to me, but well known to my Creator, so I rest in that truth. <3