Winning Today - A beautiful description of what that means for Believers

I posted the other day about my newly adopted motto of "winning Today", the idea of not focusing so much on the future and what needs to be done, what's coming, and frankly what may never even happen but rather focusing on the very moment I am in, the very day I know for sure I have. Yesterday, I finished my current book, Breaking Free by Beth Moore, and in God's usual fashion, He spoke directly to my heart and drilled away at this truth. Her whole conclusion was based on this idea of "winning today", but she elaborates so beautifully about what that truly means for a believer. Though slightly lengthy, if you can bare with me, it is well worth the read! I pray God speaks to your heart through her words as He did mine!

“I believe Isaiah 40:28-31 tells us exactly what to do when we get weary in the walk. Notice whose strength the Lord will renew: “those who hope in the Lord.” The Hebrew word for “hope” (KJV, “wait upon”)is quawah, meaning “to bind together (by twisting)…to be gathered together, be joined.” If we want to keep a renewed strength to face our daily challenges or regain a strength that has added, God’s Word tells us to draw so close to the presence of God we’re practically twisted to Him!

The thought of fighting our way through life is exhausting. Can you think of anything more arduous than waking up to win every day? I could probably do it about four days a week. The other three days I’d want to push snooze and go back to sleep. There’s got to be a better way.

I believe Isaiah 40:31 is telling us to wrap ourselves so tightly around God that we automatically go where He’s going, and the only way He’s going is to victory (2 Corinth. 2:14). God doesn’t want our goal to be to win. He wants our goal to be to win Christ. Consider Paul’s familiar words in Philippians 3:8-9. The King James Version uses the words, “that I may win Christ”. No one had more to say about warfare and fighting the good fight than the apostle Paul; yet his primary goal was no to win, but to win Christ. The next phrase explains what the apostle meant by winning Christ. It says, “and be found in Him”.

Being “found in Christ” is the very same idea as “hope in the Lord” in Isaiah 40:31. Both concepts describe binding self to God. When my children were little, they used to hold on to my waist and wrap their legs around one of mine. I’d whistle, go about my business, and say, “I wonder what Amanda (or Melissa) is doing right now?” They would laugh hysterically. My heart never failed to be overwhelmed with love, because I realized that their favorite game was to hang on to me! My muscles might ache afterward, but it was worth it.

To “hope in the Lord” is to do with God what my children did with me! To wrap ourselves around Him as tightly as we can. Why does Isaiah 40:31 present the concept of binding ourselves to God in context with being weary and faint? Think about the illustration of the game my children and I played. Who did most of the work? I did! What was their part in the game? Binding themselves to me and hanging on tight. Do you see the parallel? When we start feeling weary, we’re probably taking on too much of the battle ourselves.

When we’re most exhausted, we’re expending more energy fighting the enemy then we are seeking God’s presence. More than you seek to win, seek Christ! More than you seek the defeat the enemy, seek his foe! More than you seek victory, seek the Victor! You’ll never be more beautiful to God than when He can look down and see you hanging on Him for dear life!

…Cling only to Him, the One who will lead you until He leads you home—where once and for all, you’ll be free at last.

I feel a little like I did when I left my Amanda at college for the first time. Humor me for a moment and allow me to say a few motherly things before we go. Remember, we never find freedom from bondage in independence. We find It by taking the same handcuffs that bound us to sin and binding ourselves to the wrist of Christ. When you’re imprisoned in the will of God, your cell becomes the Holy of Holies. Never forget, there is only one Stronghold that frees when it binds."

- from the book Breaking Free by Beth Moore

A Birthday Message for my Main Squeeze

Today is my sweet hubby’s 28^th birthday… and of course on special holidays I must get all sappy and dote on my man, that’s just how us Horton’s roll. ;) Yesterday, I shared with Dave a post that had caught my eye on Facebook titled, “10 things every husband needs to hear”.  As I read through the 10 things we had a good laugh at several of them because in the beginning of our marriage, I definitely did not vocalize (or feel) these particular statements toward my “young” husband. However, I thought today was a great opportunity to make sure he knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that each one is true. So here are the 10 things my husband needs to know:

1. I believe in you: I may not have felt this way in the beginning, by it only took a couple years to recognize what a talented, hardworking, smart, and driven man you are and you have proven time and again that you can do whatever you put your mind to. I believe in you, I believe in the man you are and the man God has called you to be. You can do anything you set out to do not only because you are able, but even more so because the God you love and serve is completely capable.

2. I value your leadership: It was incredibly difficult for me to step down and let you take the reins of this family. I like to be in control, but I have come to truly rest in your leadership over our family. I trust you, I trust your judgment, and I trust your heart for the Lord and for each one of us. I love that you are the one leading us, and I will follow you wherever God calls you to go.

3. I admire you: That is an understatement. I admire you, I respect you, and I look up to you in so many ways. You are so strong, so selfless, and so driven. You have been such an inspiration these last 8 years, and I think the world of you as a person: as a man of God, as a husband, as a father, as a friend, and as a worker.  You are amazing.

4. I feel safe with you: Despite the fact that we have several fire arms, knives, and even a police baton thanks to your dad lol, I feel safe with YOU. I know you are always watching out for us and always keeping an eye out for any sign of danger. I feel safe with you in respect to the physical fears of this world, but I also feel safe with you spiritually. Your faith guards our home, our hearts, and our family unit.
5. You were right, I was wrong: Ok, this is actually 9 things every husband wants to hear because we all know I am always right. This is just a fact and will remain so until the day I die. ;)

6. I appreciate all you do for our family: Yes, yes, yes. I wish there was a better way to word this, but know that all your efforts, sacrifice, and hard work are recognized and beyond appreciated. We are so thankful for you and for all you have given to us and done for us.

7. I’m glad I married you: God has blessed us beyond belief in our marriage. Statistically we should not have made it this far, but God is so good and so much bigger than the “odds”. I love you more now than I ever have, and that love continues to grow with every year we are blessed to have together. I could not imagine being married to anyone else, you are my best friend!

8. I missed you: how often have we said that lately? Oh how I do miss you in the midst of our crazy schedules. I am thankful for the moments we get together, and I look forward to the time we will have after December when you finally kiss school good bye! ;)

9: Thank you for being dependable: This is such a great word to describe you. I know you will never bail on us, never bail on your responsibilities.  No matter how hard it gets, you have proven to be dependable, steadfast, and have persevered through each grueling minute. Thank you for that, because it is a RARE quality anymore!

10. You’re an awesome man of God: The word awesome is kinda lame here LOL but You are an amazing testimony to God and His faithfulness. Your faith has been inspiring over the years and I have so loved watching your relationship with Him grow deeper and deeper as each year and circumstance passes. Thank you for not giving into the world but continuing to keep your eyes heavenward. What a difference it truly makes to be equally yoked, I can’t imagine not having that piece of our relationship, it is the glue that has kept us together.

So here we are, 11 years together, 8 ½ years of marriage, 5 kids, we bought a house, and you are FINALLY wrapping up that stupid degree!! 4 more weeks and you can say you are DONE, and you did it all before the age of 30. ;) I Love you baby and I am so proud of you, in more ways than I could ever say! I hope you have an amazing birthday and I pray God blesses us with many more together!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

A proud wife

So Dave filled out his application to graduate last week.. I can't even express how surreal that is. We both started college when we were 18, and we are both STILL IN COLLEGE. Just so everyone has a clear idea of how long it has been... he is 27, I am 28.... 10 years ya'll, 10 years of trying to get a dang bachelors degree! 3 jobs, 5 moves, and 5 babies later, it's finally happening...well at least for one of us. ;) I am over flowing with pride for my husband. Most have no idea the journey it has been for him to get here. The patience, the endurance, the strength and perseverance he has shown to finish this long and grueling process.

We had a rough start to begin with. We were pregnant with our first child and only 19 and 20 years old. He was a manager at Golden corral working 55-60 hour weeks and very late nights. The first year of our marriage we spent most nights up until 2 or 3 in the morning playing Texas Hold-em (or watching it played on T.V.), because it took a while for him to wind down. After Kyleigh was born, we both knew the hours and life of a restaurant manager just wouldn't work with our family. So, my amazing man of faith, left a job with the promise of a $50-60,000 income in the next few years if he had stayed, and started a job at 84 lumber. He absolutely hated this job. A month later, I remember him coming home and telling me he couldn't stay there anymore and he was going to quit. He had nothing lined up, just the hopes of landing a job at Liberty, so I of course tried to "persuade" him,( yeah, I was yelling), to stay until he had another job in place. In the end, he quit the job that day and spent the next week working out the details to get into Liberty. I wanted to beat him. However, his faith was far greater than mine at the time, and I'm thankful it was! God had him show up at just the right time, speak to just the right guys, and by the end of the week he had a job in the Access Control Department. I still look back in amazement at the whole situation... it is not easy to get a job there unless you know someone, and it's even harder without a degree. God was leading.

With this job came free schooling for the both of us, a HUGE blessing. However, his starting pay was $9 an hour... I was babysitting for supplemental income and we were expecting our second child. Talk about being a little tight. ;) But God has continued to provide over and over again. He worked in a very stressful position for the next several years, and acquired the max amount of allowed overtime every week which ended up being 50-54 hour weeks. We had our next 3 babies while he was at that job, and he continued to push through his schooling the whole time, with very few breaks in between. There were several lengthy periods of time when he would even load up his lap top and do his homework while sitting at the plasma center twice a week just to cover the bills. When many men would have asked their wives to go to work and possibly double the income, he made it possible for me to be home with our kids, no matter the cost. He has done without so much, spending most of his earnings to simply take care of his family. While most of his 20 something buddies were talking about weekend trips, golfing, lifting, watching sports, hunting, etc... he was busting his tail to provide for his family and finish school. But he didn't complain. He would definitely dream of the days he'd be able to join them, but he was determined to finish. In the midst of it all, he still had to be a dad and husband. But he has fulfilled those roles with ease and grace. He is an amazing father and husband, and has never made any of us feel slighted no matter how exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed he may have felt at times.

So here we are. The final stretch and of course he is going out with a bang by doubling up his online classes for the final semester of school. It is going to be a long and tiresome finish, but I know he can and will do it. I am unbelievably proud of him. I have always admired him, but the pride I feel for him after being by his side the past 8 years is indescribable. I married an amazing man, a man of integrity, grit, and diligence. Above all, he is a man of God, and I have watched his faith grow and mature year after year as he fought his way to this point. I am thankful for his sacrifices, thankful for his love and perseverance, and just simply thankful for him. I am also thankful this phase is almost over, for everyone's sake! lol He has mentioned a masters on several occasions, and I am sure he will pursue it, but for now, we will enjoy this incredible accomplishment! He has earned it. ;) I am so proud of you honey, and I grow to love you more with every day God blesses us with!! Here's to another 10 years of schooling, haha!

From One Weary Mom to Another

I wish so often that I had a recorder in my brain… so many thoughts float through, some quickly, others I go over methodically, all the while wishing I was able to pen what I was thinking. This is mainly because by the time I have a moment to put it on paper, all those beautiful metaphors, all the passion, all the analysis has then passed and I am left with yet another blank word document. Today however, today I feel inspired even after my lengthy mental debate with myself. I know I’m not alone on that one, how many of you actually debate yourself in your head throughout the day? Logically explaining both sides of the same story, it’s pretty ridiculous when all is said and done. But when you have a house/car/life full of kids, what other options do you have? I mean, you literally become crazy! ;)

I always knew I wanted a large family, never dead set on a number (still aren’t ;) ), but I knew I wanted several kids. I dreamt often of the future family God had for me, mainly, the joy of being a wife and mother. It’s really all I have ever wanted to do, (though, had I read Katie Davis’ book Kisses from Katie prior to becoming a mother, things might have turned out differently! Haha) Though  I was always aware of the fact that parenting was HARD, I anticipated messes, I anticipated back talk, defiance, fighting amongst the siblings, and I even anticipated chaos to a certain extent. What I didn’t anticipate was the weariness of the day to day. I have heard the term weary repeatedly throughout my life, but since becoming a mother, it has taken on a whole new meaning.

I. AM.WEARY. I am drained. I am utterly exhausted and defeated most days. It amazes me that one can love being a parent with all their heart, soul, and mind and yet some days want to run away and never come back.  I think that that is what makes some days harder to breathe through than others, the thought that there is no escaping. There is no break. There is no “quitting”. This is not a job we can choose to say, “Never mind! This is way more than I signed up for, I’m out!” Yes, I know people do this, as heartbreaking as that truth is, but for those of us that truly love our babies, it most certainly is NOT a choice. So, with that suffocating truth, we then look at the kids God has so graciously blessed us with and think, “what the heck am I doing?!” There is no manual, no guide… there is no boss or manager shouting out instructions or orders. Parenting is more like being dropped off empty handed in the middle of a desert overseas and someone telling you to find your way home. It’s a non-stop game of trial and error… more so error. I think what makes this even harder is having so many. So many little people vying for your attention, so many little people screaming, fighting, crying, falling, asking, touching, etc. etc… “Kyleigh and D.J., Stop hitting each other! Landon don’t squeeze the baby’s head!  Hayden, get a towel and clean up the juice you spilled all down the hall way, Gabriel stop coloring on the walls” (yes, let’s throw daycare babies in there too! ;) ) <Elias is crying and hungry>  “Alright that’s it, both of you on the couch, you’re gonna sit together for an hour until you get along! No, I said sit, not jump! Hayden and Landon I didn’t tell you to go in there! Everybody stop jumping, put the pillows down!” <Elias is still crying!>

 The days are long….and grueling… and by 10:30 I’m ready to call it quits. Each day begins with a new found motivation to stay consistent, and that motivation has quickly vanished by the time breakfast has ended.  People tell you, “You have to remain consistent, you are too easy! You let them get away with too much! They walk all over you! ” Even my own kids have unintentionally made it known that mommy is a push over. But I beg God to tell me how I am supposed to do this when I have nothing left in the tank. When there are so many of them are doing so many things. I am overwhelmed, I am tired, I AM WEARY!

Today I took the kids to Blackwater creek with my mom and sister. It was too wet for the park and not warm enough for water, so I thought the kids would love to go for a bike ride. (HA.HA.) I feel like no matter what we do, my kids manage to make it miserable 8 out of 10 times. Needless to say, it was a total bust and we came home, (with a quick stop at Starbucks for my sanity). I yelled out orders that everyone was napping today, and you know what my 6 year old son said to me? “Mom, you always say stuff like that, and then you always change your mind.” As much as I wanted to throw him out the window at that point, the boy was speakin’ truth. They manage to always wear me down. They get me to my breaking point and I have nothing left for the fight. It’s not always that extreme, but it sure does seem like it.

What doesn’t help is that kids today don’t seem to know how to PLAY. Yes, I know, we all heard our parents and grandparents say the same thing, and now I can totally resonate! With the exception of D.J., my kids literally do not know how to play, they don’t enjoy it. They would rather sit on their butts and watch T.V. with a big buffet of food at their disposal. It’s like we naturally breed lazy (soon to be fat) Americans. The bike ride today? They were all huffing and puffing, crying to go home by the time we hit a ¼ of a mile…are…you…kidding…me? They have no stamina because they hate playing. They hate playing because the world is telling them they don’t need to use their brains or imaginations; the world will do it for them through video games and T.V.! Kids have no patience to play because they are used to immediate entertainment. Kyleigh had a friend over recently and I suggested they play with the barbies together, ( if they could manage to remove all of the dust they had collected :P). So they did…for about 5 minutes. When I walked by I heard the friend say, “yeah, this is taking way too long, let’s go do something else.” WHAT?! That was the whole fun of it! My friends and I would spend HOURS setting up for babies and barbies! It breaks my heart. And it truthfully infuriates me. I spend 90% of my weeks literally forcing my kids to go “play”. To find something to do, trying my best to fight the urge to just let them “zombify” in front of the T.V.

 I never anticipated the lack of play when I dreamt of becoming a mother. I never thought they would require me to be such a big part of their day to day activities. My mom wasn’t and I had a fantastic child hood! When did we become playmates as well as mothers?! When did a mother become their child’s imagination? And, side note, when the heck did food take over the majority of a child’s mind! Like my mom said, they used to have to call us in to eat. My kids don’t stop asking to eat! My guess is boredom, because they can’t put forth the effort to play. It’s a vicious cycle.

I LOVE being a mother, I truly do. I wouldn’t change it for the world. But so many factors play into parenting today, factors I never expected. I want so badly to enjoy my kids. I don’t want to cringe at the thought of another one touching me, asking me to hold them or sleep with them or play with them. I don’t want to hear footsteps coming up the stairs in the morning and think “OH NO! not yet!”  I don’t want to be so frustrated and exhausted that all I want is for everyone to leave me alone! It’s sad, but its true! Most of my week is just work. Physically, mentally, and emotionally draining work. I so often feel defeated. I feel lost and hopeless, thinking it’s just too overwhelming and God chose the wrong person for this job. I cry out to Him asking, “What the heck am I doing?! Please HELP me!”

Don’t get me wrong or misunderstand my heart in all of this. I love my kids and I am thankful God has blessed me with these 5 amazing gifts, but Facebook really does paint a different picture than the reality of most of our lives. I feel like a phony when I am complimented on my parenting, on my kids. My kids are wonderful, I think the world of them. They are trying and very strong willed, (I truly believe God will use that one day in all of them), but I absolutely adore them. However, I feel like I suck royally at this parenting thing. Books make it all sound so easy. “Just live it. Just love them and be Jesus to them.” Lord help my kids if they think Jesus is anything like me most days!

I just felt the need to share, I’m not sure why. Maybe for encouragement for anyone that might be in the same position. I know I feel alone most days. People are too busy so friendships aren’t as close as we’d like. Very few know the depths of our struggles because we all have so many of our own and not enough time for the rest! I also feel many can’t relate. When I talk about anything I am dealing with, most are in very different places.

 I have no sweet way to end this, no great quote of encouragement about how it will end, because yet another reason parenting is so frightening is that we have NO IDEA how it will end! But I will say I am truly thankful. I am thankful that God is breaking me down daily and filling all of my gaps with his love, with his grace. I am thankful for the refining process of parenting. My kids are revealing things about me that I would have never known otherwise. God is sanctifying me through these precious babies. I have said over and over again that I wish I understood His grace more… and boy am I discovering it’s beauty with every new day that passes. Grace, grace, grace… I am thankful for His grace, and I am thankful for the grace of my kids.

<Here’s to not screwing up the next 18+ years! ;) >

A Taste of Life With 6

Ok ya'll, I am in need of some prayer over here! When we found out we were pregnant (which happened to be the last week of training for becoming Foster Parents :P) We had left it up to the director as to whether or not they wanted to place any kids in our home before the baby was born. We were up for whatever they chose, and about a month ago she suggested it was better that we don't have any placements until after the baby comes. I was a little disappointed, but then I realized God knows what I can handle, and the last few months of pregnancy are pretty rough... especially rough this time around so I am quickly discovering! At the same time however, she did ask if we would be willing to do something called "Respite" in the meantime. Respite is pretty much "babysitting" kids who already have foster parents, but the foster parents need to go out of town or something of the like. In this case, these parents needed us to watch their two boys for a week. When Dave and I decided to go forward with becoming foster parents, one of our stipulations was that we would not take teenagers, and our max age would have to be 6 so they were never older than our own kids. This was for several reasons. Obviously the safety of our kids is one of them. We don't know what these kids have been through, and it is much hard to monitor teenagers than it is small children. However, an even bigger reason was because our home, heck our life in general, is not set up for older children. Dave and I are still trying to figure out how the heck to parent small children, let alone trying to figure out the ways of a teenager! Not to mention we have no cable, the only game systems we own are a Super Nintendo and a Wii (which only has the Wii sports), we have one computer set up right next to the kitchen, and our only extra "room" is the play room. A teenager would go absolutely insane here! So each time we were asked if we would consider taking one, neither of us felt at peace about it. Until now. For some reason, when our director asked me this time if we could take these boys for a week, ages 9 and 15, my heart was immediately at peace about it. When I called Dave, it didn't take him long to admit he felt the same way. We knew God must be leading us to do this one, for whatever reason. So we agreed. And here we are, a month later, and these boys will be in my home as of tomorrow night...and I am freaking out! Not because of the number of children or feeling over whelmed, I'm freaking out because I feel like they are going to want to run out my front door in a matter of minutes! These boys are coming from a foster home with no other kids and I am sure many more luxuries of a typical 21st century home (we are archaic, I know).  I have played out every possible bad and good situation in my head, and now its just a matter of one of them coming to fruition. I truly believe that God has brought them here for this short time for a reason...whether it be big or small, our God is not a God of coincidence. So I ask you my sweet friends to please pray for us this week! Pray God works in and through us with these boys. Pray our home is filled to the roof with Christ's love and presence. Pray my kids (and myself!) don't drive these boys insane, but offer them that amazing comfort, FUN, and love everyone should find in "family".  And Pray for me! Pray that even though I am 7 months pregnant with a quickly shortening fuse, absolutely no energy or patience, and truly no clue how to be around teenagers anymore, that I will let God completely take over. Pray that in our short time with these boys,we may show them whatever it is God is trying to show them through us, or us through them! We may never see the reason(s) for it all this side of heaven, but we want to make sure we do not interfere with God's work regardless. Thank you all so much!!

Living in the Here and Now

Yesterday, the day after Christmas, my kids were super over tired from the long week we had had so far and my house was a complete wreck. I was determined to make sense out of it all, even though I knew it was going to be a horrible day full of attitudes, frustration, and very little success. It did in fact end up being a really rough day, and I was in a bad mood for most of it as a result. :P So, when I woke up this morning and sat down for my devotion time, I find it no surprise that God had me read what I did... especially in the midst of waking up to the house I spent all day yesterday cleaning in complete shambles already, the play room carpet is soaked with the water from the now deflated punching toy the kids got for Christmas, Kyleigh spilled a bottle of bubbles all over one of my shelves full of books, and my two youngest children were having a battle of the feet (not a happy one) while we were sitting on the couch together. Thankfully, I was already half way through the chapter, so I decided to walk past all of it and sneak into the "man cave" downstairs to finish reading before tackling each situation. Praise God that I did...this is some of what I read. (This is all from a book called 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp)  :)

"In our rushing, bulls in china shops, we break our own lives. Haste makes waste...On every level of life, from housework to heights of prayer, in all judgment and efforts to get things done, hurry and impatience are sure marks of the amateur...

The time, always the time, I'm an amateur trying to beat time. The six kids rouse. We race. The barn...and hurry.The books, the binders...and hurry! In a world addicted to speed, I blur the moments into one unholy smear. I have done it. I do it still. Hands of the clock whip hard. So I push hard and I fall hard and when their wide eyes brim sadness and their chins tremble weak, I am weary and I am the thin clear skin, reflecting their fatigue, about to burst, my eyes glistening their same sheer pain. The hurry makes us hurt. ..

I speak to God: I don't really want more time; I just want enough time. Time to breathe deep and time to see real and time to laugh long, time to give You glory and rest deep and sing joy and just enough time in a day not to feel hounded, pressed, driven, or wild to get it all done --- yesterday...

I just want time to do my one life well...

Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here.  I can slow the torrent by being all here.I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows....

Wherever you are, be all there...This is where God is. In the present. I AM --- His very name...

Thank God for the time, and very God enters that time, presence hallowing it. True, this full attention slows time and I live the full of the moment, right to outer edges. But there's more. I awake to I AM here. When I'm present, I meet I AM, the very presence of a present God. In His embrace, time loses all sense of speed and stress and space and stands so still and...holy. Here is the only place I can love Him...

It's ridiculous how much joy a moment can hold...

The real problem of life is never a lack of time. The real problem of life --- in my life --- is lack of thanksgiving....

Calm. Haste makes waste. Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting, but it is not an emergency...Stay calm, enter the moment, and give thanks...And I can always give thanks because an all-powerful God always has all these things, all things, always under control.

The slower the living, the greater the sense of fullness and satisfaction...

I watch the hands move grace on the clock face. I'm growing older. These children growing up. But time is not running out. This day is not a sieve, losing time. With each passing minute, each passing year, there's always a deepening awareness that I am filling, gaining time. We stand on the bring of eternity.

I want to savor long whatever time holds.

As I sat here and typed all of this up,  I have had countless interruptions. Landon brought me his new puzzle box soaked in more bubbles, Kyleigh and D.J. were screaming their heads off at each other over a game, Hayden pulled out the step ladder and was climbing onto the counter to rummage through a cup of random nick knacks, and I literally just ran into the kitchen (which is right next to me at the moment) to rip a bottle of prenatal vitamins out of Haydens hand...a supposedly child proof bottle that she managed to open and tried to eat. Yes... despite what it may seem, there are things to be thankful for even in these moments. The fact that I have healthy active kids...kids who are able to use both hands, both feet, their voices, their brains... kids that drive me up the wall, but also shower me with love constantly throughout the day. Beautiful kids...beautiful gifts from my amazing Father in heaven...who for whatever reason, trusted me enough to be their mother.Even now, my youngest son just walked up to me and gave me a kiss on the shoulder, for no reason at all. May we enjoy EVERY moment...chaos or calm, and give God the glory in all things!

Now to go clean up all the water downstairs... what am I thankful for in this moment? The fact that we own a shop vac ;)

Unglued

The other night, after a LONG week of Thanksgiving cooking, 2 days straight with just me and the kids (Dave was hunting), and then our final day off consisted of me cleaning and grocery shopping...I literally came "unglued". I love this term because it offers the perfect description of what is happening in these moments, moments that I know I personally have at least once every couple months (sometimes more). I laid in bed and, per my usual 3 month break down, poured out my heart to my sweet, patient husband. Expressing how tired I was, tired of trying to keep up with the house, tired of all the different battles each child of mine poses throughout the day, tired of the endless dishes, laundry and filth... I told him I just couldn't do it, not alone. It was TOO MUCH. I struggle to enjoy my children most days, to enjoy life. I know this can't be what God wanted for me, for my family, for anyone. What am I doing wrong? I feel guilty 98% of my week. Guilty over my reactions, guilty over the lack of time spent with my kids, individually and together. Guilty over the lack of desire to even WANT to spend time with my kids. Guilty over not being able to keep the house together. Guilty for being such a poor example of Christ to my family and those around me. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I was exhausted. On top of that, of course, I feel fat and uncomfortable thanks to my 5th pregnancy. This should be a beautiful time, but unlike our childhood dreams painted, pregnancy really isn't so "pretty". It's incredible, don't get me wrong. It is the most precious gift God has given me, times 5. I LOVE my children, I love my life, and I love being a mother and wife. But what I had no idea going into it all, was just how much work it really was. How exhausting, and grueling, and repetitive it was. Above all, how chaotic it was! After I literally "vomited" all of these emotions to my husband, he got me laughing, I felt a bit of relief, and we went to bed. As usual, the next day I just went on as always, no change, just pushing on through the raw emotions that fill my day. I desire so badly to be the wife, mother, and woman God has created me to be. But for the life of me, I cannot seem to figure out how on earth to do that. I know I need God's help above all else, but in a life of such chaos and business, I struggle to find that one on one time with Him daily. And I'm sorry, but I can't just meet with Him once a day, I need Him continually throughout my day. But life doesn't seem to allow for that...hence my continuous feeling of being "unglued". Often throughout the week, I think about how much I wish we could just sell everything, move to another country, and live modestly serving the Lord. I imagine this will remove all of the chaos and business that fill our days. And though God may have that for us one day, He has us here now, and I need to figure out how to get my life under His control, under His peace, right where I am. 

Like the loving, amazing Father that He is, the night after my fateful breakdown, I stumbled across a blog post one of my friends had shared. It expressed my emotions, my thoughts, my heart, to a T. I was floored. I read some of it to Dave and he was under the impression I had written it. Oh how refreshing to know you are not alone! I feel Facebook, of all things, makes everyone feel worse about themselves. We see what looks like perfect lives, perfect parents, perfect examples of self control, and we feel more and more like the failures we have painted in our minds. But to see a woman who struggles like I do. Who fights depression, who fights these awful outbursts of anger and frustration towards her husband and kids. Who wants to crawl into a hole and just hide from the world. It was just what I needed to hear.

Today, in God's perfect timing, I finally decided to head to Lifeway and buy the book we are planning to read for our Bible study. Prior to leaving the house, I had dealt with Hayden peeing herself, then Hayden pooping herself (and I mean, it was not a smooth clean-up, lets just say I had to throw the underwear away), and while cleaning her up, Gabriel had managed to get into the dog bowl of water and was soaked head to toe. On top of that, I planned to do a slow cooker meal today in loo of going to the gym this evening, only to discover I had in fact forgotten to buy the main ingredient. Then it was time to take them all to the grocery store, and Landon insisted on pushing his own cart (one of the mini ones). Well, he is a terrible driver to say the least. He began the journey through the store by running straight into the entrance door. Embarrassing. Then, we take a few steps forward and he runs into my ankles. OUCH. And then he does it again. It took about 10 minutes to get the boy to stop looking down and running into everything and everyone in his way. We left the store with him sobbing LOUDLY because I wouldn't let him bring the cart through the parking lot. Then, I come home to find the dog had pooped in the living room...again. Eventually we made it to nap time, and I sat down to begin reading my new book. First time I have gotten to spend alone time with the Lord this week... if that doesn't sum up how the week has gone so far. :P God could not have put a more perfect book in my hands. Another refreshing realization that I.AM.NOT.ALONE. Many, if not most, of the mothers in this world...heck, most women mothers or not, are dealing with the very same emotions of defeat, helplessness, and guilt. She says in the first chapter, "I know what it's like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child---and then feel both the burden of my destructive behavior and the shame of my powerlessness to stop it." YES! I am so thankful we have a God who loves us so much, who cares about us enough to provide such encouragement in the midst of our abundantly blessed lives. And we are in fact so blessed. We may fail to see it most days, or to feel it, but we know deep down just how blessed we are. And He never fails to remind us. But He knows our plight, He knows our struggles, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin." - Hebrews 4:15 And as our Father, our incredibly loving Father, He knows just what we need and when we need it. I cannot wait to see what this book holds, and I am so thankful for authors like Lisa, who are willing to be so vulnerable and transparent in a world where we all try to pretend we have it all together. Because the truth of it is, none of us do, and everyone of us faces these feelings at some point in time, if not all the time.

To begin this book, she shares the very first way to start "renewing our minds". We need to change our perspective. Today, though it is hard to say how on earth all those events held any good, I can look back and think, "I'm thankful I have a healthy little girl. I am thankful I have an abundance of clothes to change her into when all of these accidents happen. I am thankful Gabriel is such a happy little baby who knows how to entertain himself, even if it ends in a mess. I am thankful I have an independent little boy who is willing to learn how to do something new, and continue trying even though his mother is being a grump and he is struggling to catch on. I am thankful my dog pooped on the hard wood floor and not on the carpet. I am thankful I have a home for which all of these things could happen in and we are not stuck out in the cold like so many others. I am thankful I have enough money to go buy a book full of of encouragement and truth, and the freedom to do so. As Lisa Terkerust says, "I can't control the things that happen to me each day, but i can control how I think about them. I can say to myself, "I have a choice to have destructive thoughts or constructive thoughts right now. I can wallow in what's wrong and make things worse, or I can ask God for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don't feel good... Yes, I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control."