2015 - What.A.Ride.

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and attempt to sum up my take on 2015 for me personally, in as few words as possible because this has been a heck of a year for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It is no surprise that the final two books I have read in the year 2015 were The End of Me by Kyle Idleman and I am currently finishing up Jen Hatmaker's book "Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity". I thrive on reading, it feeds me in every way possible. God has used amazing authors (apart from His Word) to fill me, fuel me, and completely turn my life upside down. I am more than half way through Hatmaker's book and I feel like I am reading my own words to describe God's work in my life this year. She labeled her own journey as the "descent down". While society tells us we are supposed to make our way to the top, to be successful, to strive for better and greater, Jesus calls His people to live in complete opposition to the cultural norm. And He has spent the last year (well, much longer, but this year was a large piece of the puzzle) bringing me to the bottom, to the end of "myself"; my pride, selfish ambitions, and my comfortable Christianity so that I have no other option but to rely completely on Him and discover the amazing life He has waiting for me if I'd simply let go of all that holds me back. I'm nowhere NEAR the end of this journey: it is life long and only beginning for me, but I am thankful for the many ways He has broken me these last 12 months. One statement that I continue to chew on from Jen’s book is this: “Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else to be fed”. Kyle Idleman adds that, “brokenness is the way to wholeness…if you’re going to live, you’re going to lose”. I have prayed for years to experience Him more intimately, and I am learning that that can only happen when I come to the end of myself, when we reach those valleys and the only thing we are left with is our ability to call out to our Lord and seek His face, His help, His strength, and simply just HIM. There is nothing more frustrating nor more terrifying than having all control slowly ripped from your hands, left completely dazed and clueless, but, “there is much value in the struggle” (Interrupted, p. 31).  I know He is working something out in my life, in OUR lives. I think 2015 was a year of brokenness and releasing control, and in turn, I believe 2016 is going to be a year of much change for my family and I. What that will look like, I have no idea, but I am learning to trust despite the uncertainty, fear, and unknown, because the One I am trusting in has proven to be completely faithful and His way is so much greater than anything I could ever choose on my own. I’m terrified but elated. Anxious but eager. Exhausted but full of peace. I can’t wait to see where He takes us. As Jen Hatmaker stated, “God does not change, but He uses change to change us. He sends us on journeys that bring us to the end of ourselves. We often feel out of control, yet if we embrace His leading, we may find ourselves on the ride of our lives”. I share this stuff with you all because I do not believe God wants us to keep our journeys stuffed under a rug, tucked away in the dark corners of our hearts. We are called to let Him shine through us. As I learn, as I grow, as I fall flat on my face, I share it in hopes that somehow He will receive the glory He is due in the midst of it all. If you watch and see my many slip ups, my many mistakes and the utter stupidity that I let slip through far too often, may you see His grace and work cover it all regardless of myself. Here’s to a New Year sweet family and friends, whatever it has in store, I have no doubt it will be one heck of a ride. ;)

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.” – Jeremiah 17:7 

Mommy Guilt - my personal prison.

So I haven’t forgotten my 30 day writing challenge of “30 things I didn’t expect when becoming a parent”. In fact, this week I have been dealing head on with the absolute worst item on that very list. It’s such a struggle for me that rather than elaborate on all of the other silly things that I didn’t expect as a parent, I am going to simply forget my challenge and write one emotional post about this topic alone. Mommy Guilt.  This is my prison. I live under its rule most every day. I worry, stress, and fear over my potential to fail my kids as a mother. I feel like everything I do is never enough, I take all the blame for anything wrong in their lives and never embrace the good in them as a reflection of my efforts. My greatest fear, the one thing that cripples me emotionally and mentally most days, is that one day I will look back or stare in the faces of my children and wish I had done things differently. That I will regret my decisions or that my decisions for their lives cause them any sort of pain or harm. I find I spend most days failing to properly parent because I feel so guilty for not giving them enough time, enough affection, enough scripture, enough wisdom, enough of ME. I live in a state of feeling like I am never enough and my efforts always fall short. It’s exhausting and emotionally crippling. And though I recognize its hold in my life and I know very well who is responsible for its presence, I feel hopeless to overcome it.

2015 is coming to a close and I have already declared this year to be looked back upon as the year of my “I can’t do its”. God has slowly stripped me down these past 10 months, revealing to me just how incredibly weak I really am, that I do not possess any type of “super powers”, that I am just one person and I cannot wear a million hats and I can definitely not wear them well if I try. The year started with me facing a giant heartbreak in having to release a little boy out of our care that I knew needed more than what I could give. This was followed by the news that my little boy has autism and will face a different set of struggles in this life than the rest of us. I faced the truth that I couldn’t teach him myself, that I am unable to handle his melt-downs gracefully, that I have to release him completely into the hands of my Father and trust Him to guide me through this unknown territory. I took time off of school with only two classes left because the toll it was taking on my family and I was more than I could handle anymore. And now, I face the truth that I have been so desperately trying to fight for quite some time. Proverbs 16:9 says, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” I have planned from the moment we became parents that I wanted to home school my kids. I experience public and private school and I hated them both. A million reasons surrounded this decision, and I was sure it was the right one. I have spent the last year and a half trying to make it work. Despite the fact that my life is far too crazy and unorganized, far too full for me to do it well, I pushed on believing it would work itself out…it would get better. However, its not getting better. I am overwhelmed with the pressure of trying to plan and teach, not simply just teach, but teach well. I wanted to make learning fun for my kids. I wanted to fill them with God’s truth as we learned, I wanted to enjoy watching my children grow in knowledge and truth, however I haven’t been able to do any of those things. I have literally just gotten by at this point. And in the process, I have struggled to be a good mother because the “teacher” had to come first most days. This week I finally caved. I looked up and said, “ I can’t do it anymore God.” With prayer and oh so much guilt and hesitation, I registered my two big kids for school yesterday and they will start Monday. Add this to my very long list of ways I feel I have failed as a mother, as a person. I feel weak, insecure, and so small. Deep down I know none of this is true, I know Satan is trying to keep me down, keep me from realizing who I am in Christ, that all of this anxiety and fear is not of God and not in the slightest bit necessary. However, my heart still aches and I still feel broken.

I also know that this is right where God wants me: Broken and weak. Because it’s only then that I realize just how much I need Christ, how great God is. It’s only then that I get to see His awesome power at work in my life. Oddly enough I am currently reading a book called, “The End of Me”…. I do not believe that is a coincidence. ;) God is stretching me and stripping me down to a place of complete vulnerability, and though it hurts and I am utterly exhausted, I am so grateful that He loves me enough to not leave me as I am. Satan has no hold on my life, I live in the light of the Victorious One. I am a child of the Almighty God and He wants me to be free. Free of guilt, free of my insecurities and fears. In Christ there is only freedom. We can’t embrace that fully until He brings us to our knees and forces us to wrap our arms around its beautiful truth and empty ourselves before Him, letting Him fill all of the cracks in our broken hearts.

           I can’t say I have fully embraced this freedom, though I so desperately want to. I have cried my share of tears this year….this week…. I have called out to Him and asked Him “how?!” And this morning He answered me loud and clear through the beautiful Priscilla Shirer’s words: “ASK for freedom, for release, for the ability to deflect lies and embrace truth”(Fervent, pg.101). Christ says in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” There is a common theme here, and its simple. ASK. So, I am asking. And I will continue asking, not just for me but for my fellow struggling mama’s out there, because I know God is faithful to His promises and He promises freedom for His children. If I am failing to experience that freedom it has nothing to do with Him and everything to do with me. With my inability to fight the Enemies lies. Priscilla further says, “Fear is one of Satan’s primary schemes for crippling God’s people… IF he’s working that hard to keep me from moving forward, there must be some blessing or beauty from heaven he’s trying to divert me from” (Fervent pg. 109).  Well, I don’t know about you, but I sure as heck don’t want to give him anymore power in my life. My God is far bigger and He instructs over 300 times in scripture (thank you again Priscilla for shedding light on this truth) for his people to not to fear, to not to be discouraged… So to anyone else suffering from the ugly voice of Mommy Guilt, there is freedom from it. We don’t have to stay there and let Satan have that hold in our life, keeping us and our families from experiencing the full blessings and freedom of God. We simply just need to ASK. <3 

Day 2 - The Lonely Road of Motherhood

So I warned you all the consistency would be lacking on this little endeavor… in fairness, I had every intention of writing yesterday but my children love me so much they fail to give me a moment alone. ;) Anyways, the topic on my heart yesterday was a little less sarcastic and a lot more serious, which oddly enough was brought up in my newsfeed by another friend as well. I call this one: The Lonely Road.

Now, I can’t speak for those who are in a working environment because I personally haven’t experienced that. However, as a stay at home mother I can tell you that though I have countless friends and acquaintances that also stay home with their kids, I find it is nearly impossible to find anyone who actually has time to spare for a decent friendship. Everyone’s lives are so full, most working some type of job from home, taking care of their homes and families, extracurricular activities etc. No one has any time for simply just talking life with one another. Now, I have seen countless of my friends express their struggles as introverts, lacking a desire to even seek out relationships and time with others. However, I personally am an extrovert, I love people and I am fueled mentally, emotionally and spiritually when I am spending time with others. This is why I am an avid Facebooker, because the lack of personal relationships is so great in the “real world” that my social self cannot mentally handle being detached from society all day, every day, seven days a week. If it wasn’t for my mother, who is by far my dearest friend that I speak with daily, I honestly think I would be in a state of depression due to the lack of fellowship in my life.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have friends, and I love them dearly. I see people all throughout the week at different things such as church, co-op, awana, bible study, heck even my two daycare kiddos parents are some of my closest friends. However, it’s different when you have random conversations here and there and when you actually invest and share life with those around you. I can’t tell you the last time I had someone randomly “check in” with me just to see how my life was going. This is even more disheartening when I’ve poured out my heart to someone about personal struggles and never hear from them about it again. What happened to friendships that allowed for us to not only be each other’s shoulder to cry on, but vessels of encouragement and discipleship? I personally never imagined how difficult it would be to make friends as an adult, and moreover, I never dreamed becoming a mother would prove to be such a lonely venture. I know I am not alone in this feeling either, I see it all over my newsfeed, hear it from friends, and watch the evidence of it in the statistics of mother’s experiencing depression throughout our country. Why is it so hard for us to make time for each other? And if the effects are so devastating, why don’t we make more of an effort to fix the problem?

Personally, I believe this is one of Satan’s many schemes to keep God’s people down. We were wired to have community and the busier life gets, the less God’s people invest in one another. He brings us to a place of isolation, where even the strongest will struggle with depression and discouragement if not careful. I’d say this is where I am thankful for social media, but then again, I wonder if it didn’t exist then we’d be forced to seek out those relationships most of us desire so badly.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

Day 1 - The Shoe Dilemma

It’s that time of year again, the 30 days of thankfulness have begun and I have yet again failed to participate because I am unorganized, forgetful and quite honestly, pretty lazy these days. However, an idea did cross my mind that I thought would be fun to execute… IF I manage to stick with it. ;)  Considering at the top of my thankful list are my 5 (and soon to be 6) beautiful babies, I thought I’d elaborate on the many ways they have managed to make life all the more, uh, colorful. So today I begin my blog series of: “Thirty things I never anticipated when becoming a parent”.   Except its now 9 days into November, so I may or may not attempt to make up for those lost precious days of opportunity… we will just see where this wind decides to blow in the next few weeks. ;)

So with that, I begin by sharing my first unforeseen experience when I dreamt of being a mommy, and that is: The Shoe Dilemma. I never, ever, not even for a second, anticipated the many ways shoes would affect my life as a parent. They are the thorn in my side, my very own personal kryptonite. I cringe at the thought of leaving my house for it is inevitable that at least half of my clan will be missing their shoes. I believe this is why the “10 minute per child” allowance exists for parents whenever they have a place to be, because we will be spending at least that amount of time searching relentlessly for shoes. It doesn’t matter if you purchased your children one pair or a dozen because when they time comes to go anywhere, they will ALL have mysteriously vanished… or at least one of each pair. Who knew that not only does a sock monster exist in our laundry rooms, but his older, much more evil brother the shoe scrounger also creeps around the halls eagerly waiting to devour the next pair of carelessly tossed footwear. Don’t bother buying a shoe tree or rack of some sort. I did that three years ago and to this day it still stands by my front door, a mere distant memory of a so called “great idea” I once had, for friends and strangers to notice and compliment despite its inability to bring any sort of organization to my home.  

So, to you dear sweet friends out there that are awaiting this beautiful journey called parenthood, I promise you this one thing: Tears will be shed, threats of butt whoopins will be made (with no follow through of course), blood pressures will rise, and one’s personal sanity will cease to exist at the mention of the perilous word “shoes”. I don’t care what size home you have, they will vanish. You will search ruthlessly under every bed, behind every piece of furniture, around every inch of your property, but they will not be found….at least not when you need them, and sometimes never at all. Just in this past month alone my girls have lost four pairs of brand new shoes, Elias’ right sneaker has been missing for several weeks, and Spanky is down to one pair of shoes out of the four we have purchased him…. Oh, just seeing that horrible word written down makes my stomach turn, my head ache, and my nerves crawl. Yes, it has become that big of a problem.

Once upon a time, in my blissful youth and naivety, I loved shoes. They were a staple in my life of fashion and self-worth as a young woman. And now, I’m 9 years into parenting and I want to punch the individual who decided going places barefoot was socially unacceptable.  Praise God for the few joyous months of summer when we can relish in the lack of need for footwear… for during the 9 other months of the year I want to burn every shoe store that dares to enter my path. Consider yourselves warned. ;)

Our Special Boy

I realized after I received a few private messages that I have been pretty vague regarding Landon’s situation. First off, let me just say that he is absolutely fine. He is healthy and there is nothing “wrong” with him, we are just navigating through unknown territory right now, that though not life threatening, it is still cloudy and unfamiliar. As parents you only want the best future for your child, so when curve balls are thrown at them and you foresee a more difficult future for them as a result, your heart breaks no matter the significance. We have suspected for some time now that Landon had more going on. For any that have followed my family over the years, Landon has always been our more “trying” child. I have never felt as though I had any control when it came to him and his temper has always been untamable.  We noticed as he got a little older that he was a loner and showed little interest in socializing with others. His speech has always been difficult for most to understand, and once he hit age 5 we knew it was time to seek out a more definitive answer to whatever we were dealing with.

In April I finally took him in to be evaluated.  It was one of those times where in your gut, you knew what was going to be said but you held on to that small glimmer of hope that you were completely wrong. However, I sat there and within the hour the Dr. informed me without hesitation that she believed he was on the spectrum. To any that are unfamiliar with that term (as I had been prior to all of this), she felt he showed signs of autism. I took it all in, listening to her go on about ADHD, mixed expressive-receptive disorder, etc…etc… I felt like I was dreaming. That sounds cliché, but I really did. I sat there almost numb to the news. What I dreaded most ended up being the truth. The next two months were full of evaluations and meetings, all resulting in an IEP and the final decision to send my baby to school, which is so not how I dreamed of his Kindergarten year.

Let me just say now that I understand this is not the end of the world. He is perfectly healthy, happy and his future is incredibly bright. He is an amazing kid with a beautiful personality and I know God has a great plan for his life. But no one in their right mind wants to hear their child is going to struggle more than others for the rest of his life. I have absolutely no idea how this will look as he gets older. He could very well receive enough therapy and help to get him to a point where he might not even be considered “on the spectrum” anymore, or he may continue the rest of his life struggling not only socially but in his ability to properly communicate with others because of how his brain processes information. Will this affect his career? Will it affect him in the dating and marriage department? What if I do put the kids in school one day, how are other children going to treat him? I just watched a video recently of a 21 year old man beating up an autistic teen at a party. He had someone video tape it and posted it for the world to see. That poor boy was utterly humiliated simply because he was a little different. We live in a very cruel world where bullying is rampant and suicides are happening younger and younger. I want to take my baby and hide him away from all of the ugliness he could possibly face in his future…that he will most likely face at times…all because God made him special.

I have had people play down my situation, making it seem as though it’s “not that big of a deal” or that they didn’t really think there was anything wrong with him. I have had others "over play" my situation, making him seem worse than he is. I have feared sharing it with too many people worrying he will receive some sort of permanent “label” that would cause him more grief. I have been stretched, wrecked, broken, and forced on my knees far more than I care to admit this year, quite possibly more so than any other time in my life. As I have sat in countless offices listening to evaluation after evaluation, sifting through their opinions and results, 98% of the time all on my own, the mama bear in me has fought her way out and dangit, I’m tired of what everyone else thinks. Heck, I'm just tired.

Nothing feels more comforting when you are facing trials of any kind than to know that others can relate, that there are people out there who understand you and what you are feeling. And the only way that happens is by sharing our lives with each other to some extent. This goes not only for myself, but for my boy. To sit her and pretend as that nothing is different is silly. To not share what is going on would be foolish because anyone that meets him will eventually take notice of some of his behaviors and characteristics that differ from what society calls “normal”. I mean, anyone that has seen us in the store when he is having one of his embarrassingly uncontrollable meltdowns and watched me leave in the middle of shopping because I have absolutely no way of bringing him back out of it…would either roll their eyes at me and judge my horrible parenting skills or assume that maybe more was going on. This is real life. We all have different obstacles, trials, and struggles we face and this happens to be one of ours. Four months ago I wouldn’t have said that. IN fact, I tried to write something like this then but removed it for fear of what others would think. But at this point, I don’t really care. I trust my God. I trust in His promises, not only for my life, but for my sweet boy. God makes no mistakes. He has a purpose in EVERY THING, and I have been praying fervently that He will use Landon and his situation for His glory.  

So, when I say I am struggling and when I mention our situation with Landon, this is what I mean. I don’t know what I am doing. I struggle to have a solid conversation with my son and often times this truly lays heavy on my heart. Will I ever be able to discuss life with my baby? Will this barrier always be there? I don’t know what our future holds with it all. I don’t know how to handle him when he has a meltdown, and generally, his melt downs result in my own melt down. I have cried enough this year to last me a decade. I feel lost many days, and yet so many times I feel overjoyed with the hope and progress we see. God has blessed us with AMAZING teachers at his school, an awesome speech therapist, and now a new Dr. that is finally giving me some guidance in all of this. I have met several people along the way who are dealing with very similar situations, and I have also learned that some dear friends are navigating through similar stormy waters right now. The support is amazing, and for that I am so incredibly grateful. In all of this, the only one truly struggling is myself right now because Landon is oblivious and very happy. He loves school, he loves life, and he’s a great kid. I can’t say that will always be the case, and I am sure as he gets older he will begin to understand and acknowledge more, but for now I am thankful that I can figure some of this out before I deal with my baby’s heart on top of it. My motto this past year has been “live for today”, and this situation is no different. We take it one day at a time. The future is unknown to me, but well known to my Creator, so I rest in that truth. <3

 

Grace for the Prostitute...Me.

This is an excerpt from my book that I read this morning... I have read Hosea more than once and I have heard something like this said a hundred different ways over the years. But God has been breaking down my heart more and more lately, humbling me, reminding me how completely broken and ugly I am without Him. He is teaching me what true grace looks like, and this story just rocked me today. This kind of love is incomprehensible for my human mind. Yet this IS my love story...except I am the one causing all the pain, I am the adulterous wife. What right do I have to withhold grace from others when God's grace for me never runs dry? Praise God He is nothing like me.


"Let me tell you a story about a man who was crazy in love with a woman. This man longed for this woman. He wanted to protect her. He wanted to cherish her. He delighted in her. He thought of her constantly and decided that she had to be his wife. Sounds beautiful, right? Now, let me tell you about the woman. She was... a whore. She didn't want to give herself to only one man.She loved the attention of multiple men. She didn't just love the attention, she loved the money and gifts he men she slept with gave to her. She knew she was loved exclusively and wholly by this one man, but she didn't care at all. He doted on her, gave her gifts, told her of his love, and she was indifferent.

Eventually, however, she gave in and became his wife. They committed to remaining faithful to each other. For him that was an eternal promise and a forever covenant. For her it was just words, like a thousand other words she had spoken previously and hadn't meant. After they were married for a bit, she decided she was bored and what she really needed was some of the excitement she had experienced before marriage. So she went back to her old lifestyle of chasing men. She looked for other lovers, yes, lovers...plural. She longed for the gifts they gave her. She sold herself to her other lovers and was an actual sex slave for them.

From the day she left, her husband began searching for her, and when he finally found her, he had to pay for her in order to bring her home. From his own money and wealth he one again sacrificed for this woman who had little or no love for him. The man had always been faithful, regardless of her actions. Of course, his heart hurt because of what she had done. He threatened to punish and ignore her, but in the end his love and his heart for this woman was so full and great that he took her back. He didn't just take her back reluctantly, though, He decided he would speak tenderly to her, allure her, woo her. He decided to give her gifts. He gave her hope that he would always love her. He asked her to call him her husband again. He had every right to take her outside the city gates and stone her, but instead he relinquished those rights. He literally owned her at this point, and yet he didn't want to be her master, he wanted to be intimate with her. He promised his steadfast love.

A story like this is stunning. We read about it and conclude that something is significantly wrong. He shouldn't love her after what she did to him. And if for some crazy reason he did decided to take her back, he should make her pay. He should be distant and remind her of all that she has done. He shouldn't be the one wooing her; she should have to work to woo him. She owes him big time.It seems that his forgiveness of her is just enabling her to continue her lifestyle -- that essentially what he is communicating to her is "Just go ahead and do whatever you want. I will bail you out in the end." This story rubs us the wrong way. It doesn't fit into our quid-pro-quo philosophy: "I will love you to the degree that you love me." In our self righteousness we can barely believe that anybody would be so dumb as to take a prostitute as a wife. It's crazy.

Here's the rub: You and I are that prostitute. Let that sink in for a minute.

Maybe you have guessed by now that the story above is from the book of Hosea. Hosea's marriage to Gomer id s parable illustrating God's relationship to his adulterous people (and by the way, we're "his adulterous people"). We play the role of the whore in this parable. Even writing that makes me a little angry. I don't want to view myself that way. I want to be the faithful one, the good one. And yet, the truth is that I a m aware of God's unmatched love for me, of his good and plentiful gifts, and yet every day I run after other loves. What other loves? Instead of reading my Bible, I decided to spend time on Facebook. Instead of believing that God's love is enough, I look for human approval and admiration. Instead of trusting that he will take care of me as he promised to, I manipulate and worry and try and figure out ways to take care of myself. I am the adulterous spouse, and so are you...


He continues to speak of His faithfulness to us, even in the midst of our unfaithfulness...

In the very moment that God's anger at sin should be the controlling emotion, his heart can't do it. He feels compassion instead of anger. Unspeakable grace.

Wrath is what you and I deserve. He has every right to come after us with his full wrath on display, but He tells us, " I am not like you, I am God. That is not how I deal with my beloved." (Hosea 11:8)

Excerpt from "Everyday Grace" by Jessica Thompson 

Saying Goodbye

So this is our final week with little man, as of Friday he will be moving on to another family. There is a mixture of emotions floating around my head and heart, many of which I am desperately trying to sort through. This past four months has been one of the most trying experiences of my life thus far. We have been living with one of the most difficult people I have ever met and God has broken me daily as I have sought to navigate through this situation, literally taking it day by day simply because thinking beyond that often seemed unbearable. We knew we signed up for a difficult road when it came to fostering children. They are coming from horrible situations and being pulled away from the only family they have ever known. Whether those families are “good” or not, it is a drastic change for these poor babies and we expected the repercussions to be challenging. However, “knowing” it and actually “living” it are two very different things. I have learned so much about my own heart, my own strengths and weaknesses, and my ability and inability to demonstrate Christ’s love in any and all circumstances. My spirit has been drained, my will has been broken, I have fallen before God more times than I can count seeking His power and grace to make it through just one more day.

I have looked into the eyes of this little boy and seen myself…. How I look before my gracious God. The whining, the complaining, the ungratefulness, the entitlement, the anger and hostility, the need for justice and retribution, the self-centeredness and the pride. All the things that made me want to quit, all the emotions and attitudes that made me want to give up and send him away are the very same things I myself continue to demonstrate before God. God never let me forget that. Oh I had my moments where I was blinded by anger and frustration and I failed to act and think as I should, but majority of the time I was slapped in the face with humility as God reminded me that that little boy standing in front of me was no different than myself. That ugliness was simply just more obvious in him because he is still immature and innocent enough to express himself without a filter. Ours is a more difficult for others to notice, but God sees every ugly bit of it.

With this continually in mind, I pressed on. I was forced more than ever in my life to demonstrate unconditional love. Those days when I didn’t feel love towards him, God reminded me that love is not simply a feeling, it is action. It is holding D after he made me feel so small and unappreciated, and reminding him that he is special, that he is loved and that not only do we love him but God loves him more. It is taking him places and spending time with him, even though he continually expressed his dissatisfaction and made us feel as though we never did anything for him. It is showing self-control in the most difficult of situations, taking deep breaths in those moments when all I wanted to do was scream and say things that I know would have forever left a scar on this dear boy’s heart. It is humbling myself before a child and allowing him to say and do things that bring every ounce of my pride bubbling to the surface, and choosing to simply walk away.  It is serving daily without any recognition, gratitude, or appreciation, but simply because there is a need and God has called me to fulfill it in His name.

Oh I have learned so much in such a short time. I’ve learned what it truly means to depend on God day in and day out, seeking Him from the depths of my soul so that I might not be another person in this child’s life that fails him. I know I did fail, far too many times than I can count. I pray God and D can forgive me for my weaknesses, and I pray that despite those failures God was still able to use us in his life, to plant seeds, to show, or at least to point him to Christ. As we prepare to send him off, my only prayer is that he will discover what it truly means to know and live for the Lord. He has an incredibly difficult road ahead of him, no matter the outcome of his current situation. The damage that has already been done will forever hold a place in his heart and it will take the power of God to get him through the journey set before him. I know God will use him in a mighty way one day if he simply just allows Him to. That will be my prayer for his life, even if/when we lose communication. He has a piece of my own heart forever with him, and though I cannot continue to help him at this time, I can and will serve him on my knees. I hope we can be more prepared for the future little lives God brings our way. My faith in God and His promises has grown tremendously, and I hope to hold tight to all I have learned and seen these past few months as we venture into the next chapter of our life. I know D is going to be living with an incredible couple that will love him, guide him and teach him to the best of their ability. What gives me peace above all else is that they are professing believers as well, so though we may not be imparting truth into his little spirit, I know they will continue to do so. Please pray for this little guy as he moves on. Though relief is one of the many emotions I admittedly feel at this time, I also feel concern and hurt as we release complete control into God’s hands and trust that He loves him more than we ever could, and He wants the absolute best for His life. With that, we say goodbye to our little buddy, and we thank God for giving us this opportunity to not only serve but to grow and know Him more deeply. 

D turns 8...

Our little buddy turns 8 tomorrow, but we have been celebrating since yesterday. ;) (we tend to drag birthdays out over here lol) What a whirlwind of emotions these last two months have been! The first month with our new friend left Dave and I questioning so many things: whether we were really supposed to be doing this, if we made a mistake taking an older child, if we had the desire or even heart to push on, etc..etc.. I never thought I'd be one of those people I so quickly criticized. The one's that claimed a child "didn't fit" with their family. Those words made my heart sink and I always became so furious with the individuals that had the nerve to speak them. And yet two weeks ago, I sat on my living room couch staring at Dave saying, "I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if he "fits" here". Even saying them made my stomach so sick and I felt a wave of guilt rush over me. What the heck was wrong with me? How could ANY child not fit?? I would never say one of my own didn't "fit", I don't care who birthed them, my thoughts have always been that if they are in need, they are family. So though I said those awful ugly words, my heart was screaming at me to hang on. I felt God whispering in the depths of my spirit, "I am holding you. I sent him to you guys, just trust me." I fought Him a bit and brought my concerns up to our case worker and she left it up to us to determine what we wanted to do. That was the day of court, when the judge would decide where this poor child would spend the next several months. To make a long story short, a family member has stepped up and is attempting to get custody, but this won't happen until sometime after school ends, if at all. With that, we were faced with the news that we were going to have this little guy stay with us for at least another two or three months. I thought this news would terrify my, but I had an overwhelming peace. Maybe it was because we knew there was an end, and if it continued to be as difficult as it had been, we could push through knowing there was a "time limit". I'm not really sure what was truly going on in my heart at the time, but I know Dave and I both agreed he would stay with us until that decision was officially made. 

The first month with D was tougher than I expected. Nothing like the horror stories we have all heard about foster care, he is a good kid. But he has kept his guard up with me, keeping me at arms length. I believe this was his way of staying loyal to his mama. He doesn't have a good father figure, but his mother does love him and he adores her. To let another "mother figure" in would be betrayal in a young child's mind, and I understood that even though it hurt. We had kept our age range with foster care to children under 6 because we wanted them younger than our own, but for some reason we both felt we should say yes when we got the phone call for this little man. Trying to love and guide a child that has such a foundation already is more difficult than I could have imagined. I love without hesitation. You give me a child off the street and I would love them as my own right at that moment. Kids have always been a soft spot for me. But this guy revealed to me that my love was surprisingly more conditional that I thought. As he remained distant and continued to tear me down, making comments that caused me to feel so very small and unappreciated,  I found my heart hardening towards him, a child. I felt silly and selfish for letting it get to me, but I never anticipated this journey consisting of children that would struggle to love us back. Children who could cause me to shut down inside and find it difficult to love them. I have fallen before God on several occasions, begging for Him to help me through this, to remind me why we were doing this. That I am loving this child regardless of what he does, says or is. He is a child of God and he needs us. Christ loved me when I was far less lovable than D could ever be. Christ fought for me, died for me, and provided me victory all while I remained in my ugly selfish sin, and yet here I am struggling to love this child in front of me. This broken little boy who has seen more ugliness and pain than a person should ever see, let alone a child.

That very same week I did devotions with my kids and God led me to this passage:

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." Luke 6:32-36

That was it for me. I knew what He was telling me, and I knew i needed to overcome my hurt and pride and love this boy regardless of his response, and I have been trying ever since.

God in is amazing grace, has given me a glimpse of hope. This past week I have watched D's walls slowly come down. He has come up to me numerous times this week and randomly just thrown his arms around me, hugging me for several minutes.  We had a family movie night last night and he asked if he could sit on my chair with me, and cuddled with me throughout the entire movie.  When I dropped him off at the gym daycare today, he reached over the counter for a hug and I actually had to pry loose from him because he wouldn't let go. He asked me to take him on a date for his birthday, just he and I. He has told me he loved me, though very quietly, as if too scared to say it out loud, but I heard it.His heart is softening, towards all of us. He is feeling more comfortable, more welcome, more like family.

I have no idea how long he will be with us, but I am so incredibly grateful that God forced me to get over myself, to press on. This year has proven to be a rough one so far. We have had so many things thrown at us in just three short months, and I have been forced to fall on my knees more times than I care to admit. I always struggle to admit I am having a difficult time because I feel like I have no room to complain when so many others have it far worse than I do. But all of our struggles are real, no matter what they are, and I am learning to accept that. I am not naive enough to believe that things are going to magically get better. The days and months ahead are going to be incredibly difficult. We are dealing with a child who has so much in his past, so much inside his little heart, and struggles to express himself in the right ways. There have been more appointments this past two months than I think I have had in the past three years combined. But God is walking with us through this, like He always does. He led us here. He led this little boy into our home, and I pray He provides us with the grace, love and strength we need to give him exactly what He needs. I pray we open ourselves enough before Him to let Him work in this sweet boys heart before we have to send him back into the "unknown".

 Today we celebrate 8 years of life for this special little boy, and I could not be more thankful that God brought him into our lives two short months ago. He will forever hold a place in my heart, in my family's hearts. Happy Birthday D, we do love you sweet boy! <3 

A month later...

It will be a month tomorrow since little man was placed in our home, and it has been one heck of a month.  There have been the most amazing moments filled with opportunities to teach, guide, and love. Yet there have been even more moments of testing on our parts. Our patience has been stretched beyond its limits at times, and we have on several occasions lost our focus and our “gusto” as Dave refers to it. D is right at the edge of the age range we felt comfortable taking in in lieu of our own children, and the experience has solidified our decision to keep them younger than our own. By 7, a child has a very solid foundation, and when you try to mix children from VERY different backgrounds with significantly different upbringings, it is utterly exhausting. The struggle for “power” and superiority among my older two and D has been an ongoing battle for three weeks now. Kyleigh, my rule keeper, has been tattling incessantly and down D’s throat every time he makes a decision that goes against our own rules. Trying to find that balance of when to show grace and when to administer discipline is proving to be harder than I could ever imagine. We have seen SO MUCH progress just in the short period of time we have spent with this little guy, but we are also dealing with an abundance of different issues all at once. I think the greatest difficulty, besides lying, has been the lack of respect and appreciation. I can take a lot, but when I am shown blatant disrespect, that causes my blood to boil and is generally one of those things that brings out the worst in me. There is also a battle of wills and egos, especially when it comes to his showing any kind of gratitude or manners. This past week Dave and I have truly hit our breaking point with it all. The fighting has been relentless, the attitudes have been unbearable, and our tanks are running on empty. I finally told Dave we needed to sit down today and PRAY before we started the day. I prayed for God to fill us, to provide us with the energy, strength, and patience we need to keep moving forward. But most of all, I prayed for God to keep our eyes fixed on Him, and to continually remind us why we are doing this and who we are doing it for. It is not for any type of recognition, praise, or to receive anything in return. We are merely here to be God’s vessels in this little boy’s life for as long as God would have us do so. I find I am constantly telling myself to look UP when my patience is running thin, and remembering whose I am and who I am living for. Perspective truly is everything.

God, being the amazing Father that He is, not only heard my prayer, but He showered me with a little extra grace this morning. No matter how often the kids say thank you, please, or show any type of manners, D has adamantly made it a point to remain silent, to the point where the only times I have ever heard him show manners have been when he was told to. I am trying to remain patient, knowing that he just comes from a very different situation and wasn’t taught the same things as my own children,  but I also know that much of it is by choice and that infuriates me at times. However, this morning, D came out and patiently waited for me to finish cooking (not the usual), didn’t complain about what I was making (also not the usual), and asked, “can I have a lot of eggs….please?” When I heard please I actually stopped what I was doing and looked at him in shock. I praised him for it, and continued prepping. He then thanked me for breakfast when it was served, and politely asked for salt. I about fell over. A month of NOTHING, and out of nowhere he throws three simple words at me back to back and you would have though the boy just created gold. I watched as he communicated calmly with Hayden and Kyleigh, who were very much trying to egg him on, and then he took them all down stairs to “work out and have a dance party” where they have all been playing fairly well for the past hour. God is so good. I needed that little glimpse of hope this morning. Court is Tuesday (well, with the snow it will most likely be postponed) and we are more than likely going to have this little guy stay with us for a few more months. The thought of it left me weary and overwhelmed as of yesterday, but God, knowing exactly what I needed, reminded me this is possible. With Him all things are possible. Yes, it is so hard. Yes, I am worn and I feel like I am living multiple lives: taking him to school and being a “public school parent” while also trying to still home school my children, countless appointments and trips to Bedford with a car full of kids, trying to understand and work with a child that is ADHD while still attempting to spend sufficient time with the others, overcoming educational obstacles, finding time for my own school work, and trying to make sure my husband and I’s relationship doesn’t dry up in the meantime. I have found myself repeating the words, “Breathe Corinna, JUST breathe… do what’s needed and the rest will be there tomorrow”. Many would say (and have said), well if it’s that difficult then shouldn’t you stop and consider your own family? And to an extent, yes of course. But I also want my children to be raised in a home where we sacrifice for the good of others. I will never let anything cause me to sacrifice the greater good of my own children, they were placed in my care by God and it is on me and my husband to invest in them fully, first and foremost. But what greater tool to teach and show them the love of Christ then by allowing them to experience it firsthand within our home. There have been countless “Teachable moments” this month where I have been able to pull scripture and apply it directly to my children and the situations we have faced. They are not in “the world” often. We are trying to build a foundation before they are let out amongst the wolves. But this is allowing them to be strengthened and tested within a controlled atmosphere, while we are by their side guiding and teaching each step of the way. Meanwhile, we are all planting seeds in this little boy’s heart, that Lord willing, God will allow others to water and cultivate in years to come. Each day is a new day, full of trials and blessings, but always covered in the grace of God. I do not know what the coming weeks or months will hold, but God is faithful and He is sufficient. This is His home, I am His child, and this is His story that I am blessed to play a small part in. 

Haiti

Hello my wonderful family and friends! So much has happened recently that my mind is still reeling, but in such a wonderful way. God has been patiently working on my heart for quite some time now in regards to overseas missions. When I first married Dave, I remember adamantly telling him that God did NOT lay it on my heart to travel overseas and I knew I was not “called” to do such work, though I supported those who did. Little did I know that God would spend the next 8 years tearing down those walls of resistance and stretch my heart and mind so far that I am now completely unrecognizable in comparison to that girl 8 years ago. If God were to call me to pack up my family and things and head overseas tomorrow, I would go in a heartbeat. My ache for the broken and destitute around the world is almost unbearable at times. This is especially true in regards to children. My heart’s desire is to spend my life serving and showering the broken of this world with the love, hope, and compassion of Christ. Even more so, I am fervently praying that this will be the yearning on my children’s hearts as well, wherever God may lead them. For years I have, quite impatiently at times, waited for God to open the doors for me to stand in the midst of these beautiful, sweet people, even if just for a short period. This past two weeks has been an incredible testimony to God’s faithfulness. After reading one of my (MANY ;) ) books, I finally decided to stop “waiting” for everything to appear perfectly in place, for this supposed “right” timing, and to simply just walk out in faith now, whatever that  might mean at this time in my life. Without going into too much detail, I stepped out in faith in regards to a mission’s trip to Haiti that my church was hosting. I never sincerely entertained the idea that I would actually be able to go. The deadline for applications was over a month ago, the team had already been prayed over and chosen, and the likelihood of them letting someone they have never met go seemed unrealistic. However, if there is one thing I have learned time and again, it’s that our God is not “realistic”. He is a God that makes the impossible possible. Within the course of a weekend, I emailed the church, interviewed with them, and received an email that I was going to Haiti. To say I was elated is an understatement.

I have to add that in the midst of all of this, I have been praying for God to present us with opportunities to serve Him and love those around us, and to keep our eyes open to those opportunities as well as our hearts willing to follow. Shortly after receiving an email from the church requesting an interview, I got a phone call from social services saying they had a little boy that needed someone to take him into care. We became foster parents over a year and a half ago and have not heard a word from DSS apart from a few respite care opportunities along the way. We live in the Bible belt where everyone and their mother is a foster parent, (which is INCREDIBLE and such a blessing, please do not get me wrong). I had pretty much put that desire on the back burner, expecting it to never really happen. God, in His crazy timing, has me accidently answer this phone call thinking it was the church. While I am talking to her and telling her we would absolutely take this little boy in, I get another incoming call, this time, actually from the church. I finish with the DSS worker and call the church back. I have one of the most uncomfortable conversations of my life, and hang up, not really sure what had just happened to me. That night we brought home a sweet boy to stay with us for a while, and the next morning I received the news that I was going to Haiti. I am just in awe of God’s willingness to let me be a part of the work He is doing in this world, even in the smallest of ways. To know that my God can work in and through someone as inadequate and broken as myself still leaves me in awe. I share all this to first and foremost ask that you all please lift myself and my family up in prayer during this time of incredible opportunity and transition with our new friend and with the upcoming trip to Haiti. Please pray that God will work not only in me, because I know I will leave there completely changed, but also that He may work through me. That I will be open to whatever He leads, that I may be the hands and feet of Christ to a lost and broken people. Pray for my whole team as we go and share the love and hope of Christ. I also ask that you pray for my amazing husband as he is staying behind with our crazy brood.  Pray for his patience, his sanity, and of course their safety. ;) I also ask that If God lays it on your heart, that you might consider supporting me financially on this journey. Like all trips, it requires a substantial amount of money to go. I am very limited on time because I was added a month later then everyone else, but I know our God, who is always faithful, will provide. The total amount is $1,850 and it is due by March 22^nd. If anyone would be willing and able to support in any way, no matter the amount, it would be an incredible blessing to me! I can’t provide my address on here, but I would be happy to message it to anyone that is interested or you can send it to the address below (my church). I appreciate you all more than you will ever know, thank you for your prayers and support during this time and always!

Corinna (Cori)

Checks made payable to: BRCC 

**Corinna Freyre and 5561-1 in the memo line (That is VERY IMPORTANT in order for the money to be credited to the correct account.)

Checks can be mailed to:

BRCC

attn: Shea Foster/Missions

2361 New London Road

Forest, VA 24551

If you would like your donation to be tax deductible, make sure you pay by check and not cash! Thank you all again SO much!! <3

Meeting Christ in our Mess... and man, am I a mess.

 I've learned that sleeping in on the weekends just isn't worth it. I absolutely HATE immediately waking up to loud voices, fighting, little people jumping all over me, and the continuous chorus of "I WANT BREAKFAST!!". All of that before I have even had my first sip of coffee is NOT a good combination, and NOT my idea of a great morning. I know some moms may cherish all of that, but I have to be honest, the only way my family and I will stand any chance having a "good" day is if Mama is able to get up before the rest of the house, have her coffee and fill up on the words of Jesus and those close to His heart. So, today I made myself get out of bed at 6:30 in order to protect my family...and myself. I sit down, relishing that warm cup of golden deliciousness in my hand, and begin reading my new book. Ten minutes into this moment of heavenly bliss, I hear the first set of footsteps coming up the stairs. I cannot lie, my heart drops when this happens far too soon in the morning. It was D.J., and man was he chatty this morning. I continued trying to read while leaving one ear available to his boyish chatter, and then five minutes later, Landon walks up the stairs. Landon does not intro his day with a good morning or a hi mom, he will always walk into the room and with his oh so beautiful WHINEY tone state, "I want breakfast". I resist the urge to throw my book at him every time. I tell him, as usual, that he must wait until I finish my quiet time, then I will gladly serve him his breakfast. So he hangs around, climbing on my legs, asking me the same 3 questions, and arguing with his brother. Shortly after this, one by one, the remainder of my children enter the living room... my short lived sanctuary is no more. Everyone wants to eat and everyone is a little edgy today (probably feeding off of my own vibes this morning, not gonna lie). So I wrap up the rest of the current chapter I am working through in my oh so perfectly timed book, "Hope for the weary mom", and  proceed into the kitchen where I try to find enough space on my over crowded stove top and counter. I rarely get a chance to do the dishes the night before, my need for bed is far greater than my need to clean when 8:00 rolls around. So I work in the ridiculous mess that is my kitchen. Then, I am informed that D.J. broke the railing on his bed last night. I think, he probably just knocked it off and in his little boy mind he believes it is broken. So I walk downstairs and lo and behold, the railing is hanging over the side of the bunk bed, half of it laying on the floor and the remainder of the pieces laying all over the edge of his bed. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. I then come upstairs, too irritated to really address the issue at that moment, telling him we will discuss it when daddy wakes up. I then tend to the screaming baby in his booster chair who is apparently starving to death. I make him a bottle, while running the bath water for my boys who I embarrassingly enough, I cannot remember the last time they had a bath, it's just been one of those weeks. I then look around my house and see this...



What is not pictured is the pile of bedding in the hallway covered in Hayden's pee from two nights ago, the curtain rod hanging from Elias' window, one panel still hanging on and the other on the floor, the laundry that is overflowing every basket in the house, the playroom that no longer has a floor, The Christmas decorations , that though packed up, have yet to be put away, and oh so much more...


I'm taking the advice of the lady at Spirit FM and admitting that my house RARELY looks clean and together. I will clean, and within an hour it is trashed again. Sometimes this leaves me feeling so discouraged and frustrated, other times I just roll with it and accept that that is where I am at in life. For those of you moms who are able to keep that beautifully clean and put together house, you are rock stars and I admire you. But for those of you like me who can never seem to catch up, you are NOT ALONE! I think how terribly I need to get my house back in order, but I am left with no hope because today is one of the two days I have in the week to get away and do my homework. So, I accept yet again, that my house must look like crap for another day...or two...or three...

This morning follows a pretty rude awakening I had yesterday. Dave went to do our taxes and needed Elias' social security number. I went to our box with all the important "stuff" in it, and expected to find it, remembering in that moment that we never received Elias' birth certificate from months ago. I was furious, and told myself to remember to call about that monday. I open the box and within a few seconds I find the supposed "missing" birth certificate. I am completely confused at that point, because for the life of me I cannot remember ever getting it. The hole in my memory is kind of scary some times. Then, I hopelessly search for the social security card that I swear is in there. To no avail, I cannot find it. I am frustrated and freaking out because we so need to do our taxes and I can't remember where I put it, or quite honestly, if I ever did receive that in the mail either. I spend the next 45 minutes searching tirelessly through boxes and piles of papers all around the house and, praise the Lord, I find it at the bottom of a BIG stack of papers, bills, and miscellaneous whatevers. I am thankful, but oh my word, I am horrified. Do you ever have those moments, (for me they are quite often), where you are so irritated with your inability to stay organized and even more angry that your brain absolutely SUCKS now that you have kids? I assure you, my processor is in fact broken. Though I was horrified at this unfolding of events, Dave was even more caught of guard...and in all honesty, I think he was a little concerned....rightly so lol. I felt like a complete mess...a failure... and I knew in that moment that even though these things needed to be organized and i needed to get my physical life together (my house and all that is in it), I knew it just wasn't possible... WHEN would I get the opportunity or time to do anything about it? I can barely get my house picked up and the dishes done on a daily basis...

I say all this, as I am currently lsitening to my kids scream from the bath in unison, "MOOOOMMY!!! WE ARE READY TO GET OUUUUUT!" I have let out a few words in not so pretty octaves this morning, and of course, I feel like the worst mom every at this point.All I can think is...man I stink as a mom... and my poor husband, I really need to get this wife thing under control too.  I'm just one hot mess ya'll.

However, God, in His oh so perfect timing, had laid this truth in my hands and on my heart yesterday during my precious alone time, and I have continued to dwell on it since.

(Referencing 1 Corinthians 12:9-10)

"I imagine that if Jesus himself could whisper these verses into our hearts it might sound something like this:

Can you hear me, sweet one? I'm struggling hard to be heard over the condemning voices in your head, but I want you to hear the truth and to embrace it. Its ok to be weak. It's ok to not know what to do or how to do it. It's ok that you don't have all the answers. I do.

What's that? You're tuning in just a little now? I'll try again...It's ok to feel lost. It's ok to need help. It's ok that you're not perfect. I am!

That's better! You're the apple of my eye! My darling girl who was so valuable to me that I gave my life for you! I want to shout my love for you from the rooftops and say ITS OK TO FAIL! it's ok to get things wrong! it's ok to be weak, because in your weakness I AM strong.

If you'll let me, I will make your place of greatest weakness into my place of greatest grace. I'll be the strength you need to keep going, the one who meets you in your mess, the one who leads you to the next right thing and covers over your sin with my robe of righteousness. Trust me. Invite me in. Shut out those other voices, because I have loved you with an everlasting love. Nothing can ever tear you away from the strength of my love. Listen to me."

OH I am so weak and SO not together. This continues to be painfully revealed to me daily since I have become a mother. But oh how incredibly thankful I am that Christ IS perfect, that He DOES have it all together, and that despite my failures and defeats, despite those voices telling me I don't measure up, He is always beating them down with His love, His grace, and His sweet tender voice calling me to look at Him and not at the mess around me. I hope you fellow weary mamas can find some precious encouragement in these beautiful words, this amazing truth. You are GREAT moms, and GREAT wives, and we are all in this together. Imperfect in and of ourselves, but 100% perfect in Christ. Love you all!

Insecurities, Friendships and Facebook

          Growing up, I always struggled with friendships. Girls were mean, catty, jealous, and disloyal. The circle of girls you referred to as friends, were (majority of the time) far from the definition of a friend. This in turn caused me to find friendships with guys, something I would still prefer to this day but am unable to engage in because I am married and that just doesn’t fly anymore. Some of the best friends I ever had however, were guys. Guys don’t get wrapped up in the cattiness and drama that is girls. Though they too struggle with insecurities, those insecurities don’t affect their relationships the way they do for girls.

          I began to surrender my life to Christ in high school, which is one heck of a time to discover yourself in Christ and stand strong against the influences of the world. Teens are so impressionable, so insecure and weak, and man is it a lonely road. Standing in the middle of a public school, full of sex, parties, drinking, and a whole heck of a lot of drama, it felt nearly impossible to stand firm in what I believed to be true. However, I feel this would have been far easier had I had a good support system apart from my family. I searched and searched for friends that shared a heart for the Lord, but they were far and few. I was stuck in the middle of the world around me and the world within Christ. The kids at school didn’t really want to hang out with me because we didn’t have anything in common. I wouldn’t drink, party, have sex, or doing anything “fun” in their standards. But the kids in my youth group were closed to me because in many ways I still resembled the world. Being a new Christian, I was still blind to some of the things that I shouldn’t have been engaging in, primarily the way I dressed. I had several people within my youth group speak to me about their thoughts, (and the thoughts of others) in regards to my clothes. Had it been done in love and without accusation, I may have responded better. But it made me feel dirty and isolated. Knowing that kids in my youth group, as well as parents apparently, made me sick and it hurt to know I was being judged by the very people I was trying to trust. In school I was being judged for looking and acting different, and in church the same was occurring on the opposite end of the spectrum. I spent my sophomore year isolated socially. I dealt privately with an eating disorder for over a year and a half. However, that year and half was one of the most incredible times of spiritual growth thus far in my life. I read, A LOT. And I grew to know and love the Lord more with every minute I spent in His presence. I felt strong. However, the following year proved my infancy in my faith and I fell hard. Again, much of this was because I lacked a good support system, because I was so alone in my faith, and I felt like such an outcast in both worlds. I caved and chose to follow the world again, and the consequences are still reaping their dividends today.

       

        I hoped that as an adult, this awful search for my place in this world, my search for “good” friends would end, but I have found over the years that it only gets worse. It’s different now, however. The insecurities are different and the reactions to those insecurities are fairly different, but the loneliness and hurt are still the same.  The most genuine of women still fall under the attacks of their insecurities and unknowingly cause a lot of heartache to those they feel threatened by. God rescued me through my relationship with my husband. We are so like-minded in our faith and in our passions, that it has made the hole within my social life seem not so devastating. Being a mother has forced me to grow significantly in my relationship with the Lord and in my faith. Being a wife has done the same. Amazing authors have served as my “friends” and spiritual encouragement despite the lack of those relationships in my physical life. I constantly ask the question, “What’s wrong with me? Do I come off as arrogant or unfriendly? Do people think I am fake? Am I offensive in ways that I am unaware of?”  Many times it has caused me to shut down and shut in, but thankfully God never lets me stay there long.

         Over the years it has occurred to me that much of the problem, despite the fact that we are all just incredibly busy, is a result of social media. Women are insecure and it’s something that will carry on with us in a variety of ways throughout the rest of our lives. Though we may react differently on the outside, we all still suffer from the ugliness of becoming envious, jealous, and judgmental on the inside. Facebook serves as a reminder of all those ugly insecurities, and Satan loves to use it as a means to keep us self-doubting and discouraged. We see these moms that seem to have it all together: clean homes, clean kids, perfect jobs, organization, a solid faith, an amazing husband, etc..etc… We see our friends getting big beautiful homes, buying nice cars, dressing up in cute clothes, having the money and time to do their hair more than twice a year, all while many of us are watching while we sit in our food stained yoga pants, with our three day old messy buns, dark circles under our eyes, dirty homes that are continually falling apart, and a car that yet again needs to go to the shop. Our kids are crazy, our lives are chaotic, and we just can’t seem to get anything right. Now, I am a mother so I can only speak from that perspective, but this applies to women of all walks of life, just different issues. Not only are we viewing these seemingly “perfect” lives, but we also have everyone and their mother posting articles, blogs, and statuses expressing why this and that are the best way to parent and take care of your child, and what YOU are doing is wrong and as a result, you basically suck as a mother. Or at least, that’s what we hear.

           I was talking with my mom the other day and telling her my thoughts on this subject. I told her I remember she and her friends, who were the mothers of my friends, seemed to always have such a great friendship despite their differences in styles of parenting and opinions on life and faith. To this day, she is still great friends with most of those women. And here I am, struggling to even find one friend like that. I told her I blame much of this issue on social media. She and her friends didn't have that. They didn't have the ability to share everything and anything under the son about themselves. They didn't share every political, parental, and religious (or lack thereof) opinion that came to their mind. As a result, their friendships were based simply on their relationships with each other…based on their similar situations, their crazy schedules and difficult days, and the pure enjoyment of one another’s company. They shared stories and laughed over coffee, ignoring all of their differences and just enjoying their walk through life together. They all had different incomes, different sized homes, and different cars. And yet, they were confident and comfortable enough in their friendships to see past those differences and the insecurities they may have caused. I wonder if they would have been friends (or still be friends) had they had access to social media at the time.

          My point, because I promise there is one, is that we need to see past ourselves, see past our insecurities and remember we are here for a short time and we can’t waste any more of it feeling inadequate, defensive, inferior, or discouraged.  Moreover, many of us need to step off of our pedestals of judgment and remember that we are all struggling in life, struggling to balance it all, to know what’s best for our families, to get back in shape, to feel good about ourselves, to simply press on each day. For those of us that profess Christ, we need to remember why we are truly here on this earth. Susie Larson said it best in her book Your Beautiful Purpose, “If we open our hands and hearts to envy and jealousy, the devil grabs the opportunity to tie up our hopes and dreams and choke the life right out of them. The love of God ceases to operate through us when envy has its way in us”. How much are we missing out on because we are allowing our insecurities to dictate our influence in the lives around us? How many people are we hurting because we are allowing walls of self-doubt and uncertainty to prevent us from reaching them with the love of Christ? I will end this with a paragraph from Susie Larson that really opened my eyes and efficiently sums up the point of my writing this post. She said, “We are in this together. We’re all in different stages of growth and development, but we’re all precious to God, all a work in progress, all engaged In the priceless work of the kingdom. Do remember that what we notice in others is something that we already possess to some degree—or at least have the potential to-- both positively and negatively. When we refuse the weakness and pettiness of a jealous spirit and instead rise up as co-laborers tending to a greater cause than our momentary selfish whims, the enemy is the one who gets blindsided. When we’re together – refusing to let pettiness divide – he cannot tell where you end and I begin. All he can see is an unbeatable army”.  

Winning Today - A beautiful description of what that means for Believers

I posted the other day about my newly adopted motto of "winning Today", the idea of not focusing so much on the future and what needs to be done, what's coming, and frankly what may never even happen but rather focusing on the very moment I am in, the very day I know for sure I have. Yesterday, I finished my current book, Breaking Free by Beth Moore, and in God's usual fashion, He spoke directly to my heart and drilled away at this truth. Her whole conclusion was based on this idea of "winning today", but she elaborates so beautifully about what that truly means for a believer. Though slightly lengthy, if you can bare with me, it is well worth the read! I pray God speaks to your heart through her words as He did mine!

“I believe Isaiah 40:28-31 tells us exactly what to do when we get weary in the walk. Notice whose strength the Lord will renew: “those who hope in the Lord.” The Hebrew word for “hope” (KJV, “wait upon”)is quawah, meaning “to bind together (by twisting)…to be gathered together, be joined.” If we want to keep a renewed strength to face our daily challenges or regain a strength that has added, God’s Word tells us to draw so close to the presence of God we’re practically twisted to Him!

The thought of fighting our way through life is exhausting. Can you think of anything more arduous than waking up to win every day? I could probably do it about four days a week. The other three days I’d want to push snooze and go back to sleep. There’s got to be a better way.

I believe Isaiah 40:31 is telling us to wrap ourselves so tightly around God that we automatically go where He’s going, and the only way He’s going is to victory (2 Corinth. 2:14). God doesn’t want our goal to be to win. He wants our goal to be to win Christ. Consider Paul’s familiar words in Philippians 3:8-9. The King James Version uses the words, “that I may win Christ”. No one had more to say about warfare and fighting the good fight than the apostle Paul; yet his primary goal was no to win, but to win Christ. The next phrase explains what the apostle meant by winning Christ. It says, “and be found in Him”.

Being “found in Christ” is the very same idea as “hope in the Lord” in Isaiah 40:31. Both concepts describe binding self to God. When my children were little, they used to hold on to my waist and wrap their legs around one of mine. I’d whistle, go about my business, and say, “I wonder what Amanda (or Melissa) is doing right now?” They would laugh hysterically. My heart never failed to be overwhelmed with love, because I realized that their favorite game was to hang on to me! My muscles might ache afterward, but it was worth it.

To “hope in the Lord” is to do with God what my children did with me! To wrap ourselves around Him as tightly as we can. Why does Isaiah 40:31 present the concept of binding ourselves to God in context with being weary and faint? Think about the illustration of the game my children and I played. Who did most of the work? I did! What was their part in the game? Binding themselves to me and hanging on tight. Do you see the parallel? When we start feeling weary, we’re probably taking on too much of the battle ourselves.

When we’re most exhausted, we’re expending more energy fighting the enemy then we are seeking God’s presence. More than you seek to win, seek Christ! More than you seek the defeat the enemy, seek his foe! More than you seek victory, seek the Victor! You’ll never be more beautiful to God than when He can look down and see you hanging on Him for dear life!

…Cling only to Him, the One who will lead you until He leads you home—where once and for all, you’ll be free at last.

I feel a little like I did when I left my Amanda at college for the first time. Humor me for a moment and allow me to say a few motherly things before we go. Remember, we never find freedom from bondage in independence. We find It by taking the same handcuffs that bound us to sin and binding ourselves to the wrist of Christ. When you’re imprisoned in the will of God, your cell becomes the Holy of Holies. Never forget, there is only one Stronghold that frees when it binds."

- from the book Breaking Free by Beth Moore