Blessed Beyond Measure... but what about me?

“Just signed on our FIRST HOME! Dream house, dream jobs, dream life! God continues to bless us beyond measure!”

I scrolled through my feed and saw this post with a picture of this sweet couple standing in front of their BIG beautiful new home. Let me emphasize BIG again. I of course am so incredibly happy for them, as I always am when I see friends and family enjoying success and wins in life. But I couldn’t help but think, do they even have kids yet? Why do they need such a huge home? And then the ugly head of envy creeps in, and I find myself frustrated and discouraged as I  sit here day in and day out trying to maintain a somewhat functional way of life in our 3 bedroom 1 bath home…with 8 people and a few extra here and there. I get annoyed when my kids get off their shower schedule because it throws everyone else off, yet meanwhile, this couple could take 4 showers today, one in each big beautiful bathroom.

Then I snap back out of that ugly place and remind myself how incredibly blessed I am. Similar statements  always seems to follow these posts, like  “God has blessed us!” or “God is so good!! He has given us everything we dreamed of!”, and I think, yes, He most certainly has and kudos to you for recognizing where your blessings come from.  But what about those of us that aren’t experiencing such obvious blessings? If this kind of post causes my heart to stumble and question, how many others are feeling the sting of those words?

I think of all of the figures throughout the Bible and am quickly reminded that though God does bless His people often, it generally comes after a LONG bought in the desert. Abraham and Sarah were given the promise of a son, and waited 25 years to see it fulfilled. Job had it all, but then had it all taken away for quite some time before God restored everything to him once again. Joseph spent at least a decade in slavery, then prison before he became the Prime Minister of Egypt. David was told he was going to be king, but then spent 15 years running from Saul who sought to take his life before he even claimed his throne. I could go on, but these are a few examples of mighty men of God who experienced long droughts in the “desert” before they saw the abundant earthly blessings of God.

Then you have characters like Moses, Paul, the disciples, and Jesus Himself, who never did see those earthly blessings. Moses spent years leading the Israelites, talking to God, eating a whole heck of a lot of manna, and surrendering to His will, only to miss out on the Promise Land. Paul gave up everything to follow Christ, which according to the world, was a lot. Then he died in prison. And well, we know Christ’s story.These men never saw the earthly "blessings", but were they any less blessed?

So where does that leave us? My friend sent me something the other day, and within a few days, I read the exact same thing again in a different devotional. God was obviously making a point.

The word for desert in Hebrew is “Midbar”, which also means “the place of the word” or “to speak”. All throughout Scripture, when does God speak to His people? At the high times, in their cushy palaces, at the peak of their prosperity? No. It’s in the desert. When they are broken and realize they are nothing without Him. When we aren’t taking our blessings for granted. When we are without options and we lean so hard into Him that the struggles seem to fade away and all we feel is the strength of his arms around us, the sweet smell of His presence as we press against His chest, and the incredible joy that literally pours over out of our hearts.

We were asked the other day at life group what our plans were for our futures when we were children.  It’s a joke now with my group because I confessed that I don’t plan… anything. Looking back to my childhood and all the way through adolescence, the only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mom. I think in the back of my mind, I always assumed I’d finish college, meet my future husband, have a big beautiful wedding, buy a house, work for a while and enjoy life as a couple, then start a family. You know, the typical “American Dream”. I never really thought on it much or vocalized it, but I think I just assumed that’s how it would be. However, planning went out the window when I got pregnant at 20, got married a month later in a courthouse, spent 13 years finishing my bachelors and had 5 more little “oopsies” along the way. (well, 4 more, Mattox was the only one we actually planned ;) ).  Or the fact that I got my dream job after 13 years of school, only to have to give it up 4 months later, and now I clean toilets. (I’m just messin, I love what I do, even if it involves cleaning toilets ;) ) We were recently given the gift a trip to Disney, so we planned to go over spring break, but the engine on our “bus” blew and wiped out our entire tax return, thus resulting in a cancelled trip…among other things. I could go on for days about the many MANY times life didn’t go as “planned”, but you get the idea.

So what does all that mean? Am I one of the ones NOT being blessed beyond measure? And if so, then why?!

But I AM blessed. I absolutely, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt am so incredibly blessed. That pregnancy, brought my husband and I together forever and gave me one pretty amazing young lady. The court house wedding and broken emotions during our vows, allowed me to learn how to forgive with a forgiveness only God could produce. That 13 years of schooling taught me determination and perseverance like I had never known, and it also allowed me to experience an even greater sense of pride when it was all said and done. Those 6 beautiful oopsies, are the answer to the one plan I ever had growing up, the greatest desire of my heart. That canceled trip to Disney and financial hit #8,000,957, have taught us to TRUST. To rest in His promises and provision. To look at things from a different perspective. To appreciate. All of it caused spiritual growth that we would have not otherwise experienced, and allowed us to watch God come through in the most amazing ways. All in all, the greatest blessing in it all is sanctification and humility, because “blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God”, right? (Luke 6:20)

 Your lack of “success” in the world’s eyes is a garden of opportunity in the Kingdom of God. He is pruning and planting, watering and growing.  And just look at this promise in Deuteronomy 8:6-10:

“So obey the commands of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land of flowing streams and pools of water, with fountains and springs that gush out in the valleys and hills. It is a land of wheat and barley; of grapevines, fig trees, and pomegranates; of olive oil and honey. It is a land where food is plentiful and nothing is lacking. It is a land where iron is as common as stone, and copper is abundant in the hills.  When you have eaten your fill, be sure to praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.”

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Enjoy the ones you have in the desert, just as much as the ones you WILL receive when you reach the promised land.

“Don’t try and get out of the desert. Try to get as much out of the desert as you can.” – Dave Adamson

Is God Really Good?

Is God REALLY good? After almost 2 years of feeling as though we have been dragged through the mud, I found myself pondering this question over and over again. I can’t remember if it was a book or a devotional, but recently I read something that discussed the fact that our faith rests in God’s sovereignty and His goodness. I sat there and thought aloud, “I don’t question His sovereignty, I KNOW He is in control of everything. In fact, it’s this knowing that has caused my faith to waiver. If He is in control, why has life been so hard? Why does it seem as though He is silent towards all of my requests and needs… heck, not even silent half the time, but coming back at me with a booming NO. My struggle is not in the truth of his sovereignty, but in my belief of whether or not He is truly good.  

We have tried to lay all we have at His feet, though I know many days we fail miserably. But our hearts are always set on Him, always desiring to do His will and be His hands and feet. We give when there is a need, we love when there is opportunity, we trust when things are shaky and bleak. Yet, after two years of heartache, disappointment, and struggle, I find myself wrestling like Jacob with my Savior.  I find myself walking with a limp  upon receiving the injuries during this daily wrestling match.

I fell in love with a little boy, spent two years hearing him call me mommy, was given the opportunity to make him mine forever, and God said NO. The pain of him driving away with tears streaming down his face has not dulled even after a year. I graduated college after a very long haul to get there, got my dream job and worked with so many amazingly beautiful kids, only for God to also take that away, 3 months after losing my little boy. We have seen our bank account hit zero, and even the negatives, more times in the past 2 years than I believe we had in the previous 10 combined. Our cars have been in the shop more than we have had them, our house  has had leaks from pretty much any water source we could imagine, and it feels as though every day we wake up to a new broken item that we can’t afford to fix.

In January, beaten and worn , after much prayer and discussion, Dave and I believed God laid it on our hearts to pursue a change and move to Florida. It was time for him to leave his job, I was done with life in Lynchburg, we desperately needed a bigger house (or even just one more bathroom!), our kids needed a better school district, we knew I needed to work less and be home more, and something was pulling us towards Florida, though we still didn’t know what. So we prayed. Fervently. Passionately. Desperately. For 6 months we pursued countless job opportunities and prayed unceasingly. And though several opportunities came as well as many disappointments, and even a solid offer was given, we had no peace. We were left utterly confused and even a bit bitter. Through this time, our financial situation just worsened by the day. Finally, God answered and provided a wonderful job opportunity, with everything we needed…. But it was in Lynchburg. We had peace, we knew it was where Dave needed to be, but my heart was both broken and even more hardened as a result.

This summer was one of the most difficult I’ve ever had. Emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. And as we approach the new school year, a time where I had pictured myself and my family settled in a new home, with a new job in new place…. I find myself in the exact same place that we started the year. Same home. Same school district. Still working just as much. Still financially strapped. The only change being Dave’s job.

I’ve been in a relationship with Christ since I was 11. I’ve been through many difficult seasons, and even been angry at God a time or two. However, this is the first time I have ever questioned His goodness. I spent countless times by my oldest son’s bed last year, listening to him cry because of his personal struggles with kids at school and the need for good friends. He spent the whole school year isolated, not one good friend in his class. We were waiting for the post card to arrive letting us know who his teacher was and if his best friend would be in his class this year. He was so desperate. I knew the right thing to do was to pray with him about it and to encourage him to do so, but I refused. I refused to set him up to experience the disappointment I had felt for so long. God’s answer had been no for 2 years, I wasn’t going to set my son up to receive that no and then have to try and give the yay old Christian response of “ Well honey, God has a reason. He is in control. He works all things out for the good of those who love Him.” Because, I personally wasn’t sure I really believed it anymore. And yet, as he was sharing his fears during one of our car rides, I quietly prayed, “Ok God. I’m going to tell him to pray, to ask you for this one thing. This is my mustard seed. Even though my faith is weak, hear the plea of my son and his innocent and childlike faith, and please let this friend be in his class.” I then told him to pray with me. We did. That same night, we found out this friend was not in his class. Another no. Another disappointment. Another place on my heart hardened. I comforted him with the cliché response, but inwardly I was seething and bitter.

Katie Davis is one of my favorite people. Her faith and her life changed me when I read her book several years ago. Last year she put out a new book, and I was eagerly anticipating it. However, something kept me from buying it. I always read books that I feel God leading me to, and 9 out of 10 times, they are exactly what I need for that time in my life. So I waited. It’s been a year since she released it and the other day I decided now was the time. I bought it, but then decided to wait to start it because I had too many books I was working through right now. However, a few days ago I decided I needed it now. I needed a 3^rd world perspective in the midst of my first world complaints. I needed to be reminded that my struggles and my frustrations pale in comparison to so many around the world. I needed to be reminded to shut up and suck it up, and be grateful for what I have.

The book begins with my story. One of the girls Katie fostered, lived with her for 2 years (just like my boy), and when it came time to adopt, God said no (just like he did for me). Katie watched her little girl drive away and has been forced to see her now calling another woman mommy. Katie Davis, one of my greatest spiritual mentors, was struggling to believe God was good. Just.Like.Me.

I am still working through the book. Still wrestling with my anger and weak faith towards God. However, even in the simple steps of purchasing this long awaited book, its timing, its relevance to my life, and its raw and authentic truth….I see God’s goodness. I see that He is there. He is listening, and though I still have so much healing and growth to go through, I am so thankful for His patience with me. For the fact that he pursues me, even when I am wrestling to get out of his embrace. Just like my kids when the run off and slam their doors, screaming and angry at me for not giving them what they want or understanding them. He holds me as I tantrum and question His heart.

Katie says in her book, “A faith that trusts Him only when the ending is good is a fickle faith. A faith that trusts Him regardless of the outcome is real….” And further, “In the wrestling He makes us who we are meant to be in Him. It isn’t easy and it isn’t pain free, but it can be glorious. In the wrestling we get to be right up next to our strong Father and tangibly know the truth that He does not let go. He will not let go. We walk wounded, like Jacob, but we have seen the face of God in our pain, and we have encountered a new kind of intimacy with the one who holds our hearts in His We walk away scarred, but we are stronger and we are renamed: HIS.” – Katie Davis, Dare to Hope

This is already ridiculously long and most won’t read it I’m sure, but I felt the need to share. So often all we see and hear from Christians is how good God is, and living in the Bible belt, I hear so many of the usual Christian clichés and jargon that quite honestly I get sick of it myself. Sometimes the world just needs to see us wrestle, to know what walking with Christ looks like. It’s not simple, we don’t always trust and believe what we say we do, our faith waivers, we get angry at the God we profess about, and it’s just downright tough. Deep down I KNOW He is good, but right now it’s a constant struggle to believe and live that daily. <3

Anxiety & Depression vs. Stillness & Surrender

Today is my first day with the kids being back in school that I have JUST my two littles, no daycare kids. I said Elias was finding himself this week, but in actuality, we both are. Where some would be ecstatic about this new found calm and sense of freedom in their days, I find myself full of anxiety and fighting what I can only assume is depression. I have felt so “off” this past week, like I’m in a funk, or a fog and can’t seem to find my way out. It’s strange but though the chaos and business overwhelmed me, they were oddly comforting. They are familiar, and quite frankly, they are all I have known since I married and had children 10 years ago. Though I would hit the bed exhausted and run down each night, I felt as if I had “earned my way” each day. Adding to our income and being steadily “productive” throughout each day. A full schedule made me feel accomplished, and embarrassingly enough, proud.

My immediate thought in this calmness is to fill my time back up. “Well, now I am free to take on so and so’s kids for a few hours to help them out during the week,” or “Now I can offer to help such and such with their home and needs “, or even “now I can get THAT job for at least half the week”. I found myself searching to fill the quiet. Though they are technically “good things”, I know that is not what this time is designated for. I felt like God was whispering, “STOP, this is not why I led you here. Be Still.” I am a doer. Being still is NOT something I am very good at. Well, I’m not good at it at all, I don’t know HOW to be still. I don’t enjoy “down time”, I feel anxious and unproductive. I don’t enjoy “Netflix Binging”, and to be completely honest, I struggle with my prayer life BECAUSE I don’t know how to quiet my mind and be still long enough to enter completely into the presence of God.

One verse that continues to come to mind during this season of “waiting” is “Be still and know that I am God.” The second half has been incredibly encouraging during this transition. He is God. He is in control. He loves my family and I. He led me here and His promises to provide, comfort and lead ring true now just as they always have. But be still? I have shamefully skimmed over that half of the verse.

Yesterday, as I was feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety and depression, I had an “Epiphone”. God took away my “job” and led me here at this point in our life because He wants to prepare me for what’s coming. He wants me to be still before Him. To not work myself or serve myself to death, but to literally fall on my face before Him in the silence and KNOW HIM. I so desperately want to know Him. Not know of Him, but know Him so intimately that I can walk through any wait, struggle, fear, or trial with complete faith and assurance in Who He is. I want to be intimate with my King. I want the relationship David, Abraham, Job, Daniel, Mary and so many others had with our Creator. It’s been the cry of my heart for so long and yet I have continued to struggle to find it. He has been holding it out in front of me this whole time, waiting for me to take hold of it.

My thoughts have been consumed with “what’s next God?? Where are you taking us? Where should we go? We are ready to move whenever you lead, but PLEASE LEAD SOON.” The wait has been killing me. The unknown, the wondering, the questioning. It’s exhausting. And all the while He has been standing there, grabbing hold of my shoulders and shaking me saying, “Be still child. Close your eyes, fall at my feet. Lay it all down. Come, taste and see that I am LORD. Lord of your life. Lord of your family. Lord of your future. Lord of this world. Stop trying to “figure it all out” and just calm your heart and mind before me. Let me show you.”

The thought of being still gives me anxiety. Being on my knees, quieting my mind, being “unproductive” with my time… my mind can’t even handle the concept. It’s really sad. But it’s also so very eye opening. I believe it’s a key factor in why He’s not answering our question of “what’s next”. I’m not ready for what’s next. I’m still such a child. I’m still trying to be self-sufficient in my pursuits. I claim I’m listening and walking with Him, but I’m trying to beat down doors, not trusting in His timing but following my own.

One song keeps coming on my Youtube playlist this week, and yesterday the lyrics spoke right through my heart:

              “I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within

I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King

I'm giving you my dreams, I’m laying down my rights

I’m Giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender, all to you, all to you

And I surrender, all to you, all to you”

There are so many situations that call for us to “wait”. It’s all throughout the Bible, (thank goodness we don’t live as long…. Abraham's and Sarah’s wait? Yeesh….) We WILL ALL go through periods of waiting. But the wait is our refining time. Our preparation period. We wait, and grow, and learn and all the while He prepares us for our “next thing”, whatever that may look like for each of our individual lives. It’s not worth stepping out of His will and rushing ahead, because not only do we inevitably make a mess of things, but we miss out on what’s most important. We stunt our spiritual growth. We limit our understanding and intimacy with our amazing God.

Be still. Wait on God’s perfect timing, and in the wait, discover all that He has for you. What’s coming will be all the sweeter as a result.  <3

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” – Psalm 139:23-24

Gratitude in the Unexpected: Our Trip Frustrations

I woke up this morning desperate for some one on one time with God. I didn’t get any this weekend while we were away, and after the “adventure” we had, my spirit was severely depleted. Let me just recap the highlights of our weekend before I get to the main point of this post.

First of all, we absolutely had an amazing time. It was exhausting, because well, we have 6 kids under 9, but we had a blast. However, Satan was throwing stones (at times it felt like boulders) at us the entire time.

Let me start with Friday night when Dave’s car battery died three times while he was taking Spanky to his respite family. He ended up having to buy a new one on the way home. Unexpected expense #1.

We had planned to head out by 11 Saturday morning, but our first hiccup was that we did not have the bungee cords for our roof carrier, so Dave had to run out and get those. By the time we loaded and got on the road, it was after 1. However, we needed air in our tires and lunch for the kids so we shot down wards to Sheetz (free air)…. Mistake #1, Wards on the Saturday before Christmas. We pull up to sheetz and get stuck in a line of about 6 cars waiting for air. So we decide to go to Walmart first then come back. All went well at first, I shot through the store as fast as I could and then checked- out. I even found a $5 pizza half price. However, after the cashier rung me up, I noticed she charged me full price for the pizza. I rationalized arguing over $2.50, but I figured let me at least ask. She said, oh yes, I’m sorry, customer service can help you…. Again, I wondered if it was worth it, but I went over and got through the line in a couple minutes. All seemed well until this cashier was struggling to get the correct discounted price as well. He tried 3 times, then called the manager. At this point I’m kicking myself for even worrying about $2.50 and had it not been for feeling like I would have wasted his time, I would have just left. But I sat there… for a good 15 minutes. Oh well, it bought us a quest bar later.

We get air and get on the road by 3:00. I was frustrated by the delay but tried to not let it get to me. As we are driving, we get about 20  minutes down the road and Dave lets out a gasp. Our stuff is flying on the highway off of our roof carrier. He pulls to the side of the road and begins walking down the side of the highway back towards our stuff… He finds a glove and a hat, and as he starts to walk further, he sees a car pulling back onto the highway after grabbing something off the side of the road. Sure enough, they stole our bag of all of our swimwear, goggles and suits. He’s standing right in front of them, they drive right past our vehicle and we are out 8 swimsuits, four pairs of goggles and a pack of swimmy diapers. Fast forward now another 40 minutes and the baby starts screaming. He has a blow out and we have to stop again to clean him up.

We finally arrive at our hotel around 7:00 that night. As we are unloading, a cup falls off the roof carrier and cracks. What makes this so frustrating is that my friend had loaned us her two mugs from Christmas town so we could get the $1.99 refills of hot cocoa… however the first cup was now broken and we soon discovered the other had flown off the roof with our other items. So now, we had to buy her two new mugs which was another $16 we were not anticipating spending.

We go up to the hotel and start calling around to see who might have swimwear. Ya’ll, it’s December, so no one has swim wear, which I knew but we were hopeful. Finally, we discover Target just put theirs out. Talk about eating humble pie. I am the first to criticize stores for putting out summer items in the dead of winter, and yet here we were taking full advantage of it. We go to Target and even with getting the boys shorts instead of swim suits, we are out another $140…. That we had not intended to spend. (it wasn’t until later that day that we realized we also lost all the goggles, which will cost us another $50 to replace, but that was not something we were willing to spend right now). We also stopped at Walmart to purchase swimmy diapers only to discover, they were not selling them this time of year. So we had to put the baby in Elias’s underwear and pray he wouldn’t take a dump in the pool.

When we got to Christmas town, we discovered that our tickets did not include parking… so for the two times we went, we dropped another $30 just to park our car somewhere.

Fast forward to the evening when we are having  our special dinner out. We budgeted about $50, but when we received the bill it was $76… and that was not including tip. Both our hearts sank. Generally kids drinks are included with their meals, however this was not the case with this particular restaurant. That coupled with Dave getting two entrees… well, there we had it. So we again tried to move on from the blow.

The weekend was full of so many little frustrations that seemed much bigger in the midst of all the others. I’m not gonna lie, while my amazing husband desperately tried to remain positive, I was sinking into a negative nancy mindset and struggling to pull myself out. I wanted to throw my hands up and scream, "God, we so desperately needed this break, You know this, why are we being bombarded with so many obstacles and frustrations?!" But one thing I have learned, over and over again, is that its through the supposed inconveniences that we grow and learn the most. Though God may not be the one causing them, He will absolutely use them if we let Him.

 We managed to enjoy ourselves and have a blast for the remainder of our time, but the financial drain of everything was hanging over our heads.  

When we arrive home, my mom sends me a text asking if I had a package on my porch. Long story short, we did in fact receive a package Saturday, however, it was stolen right off our front porch that night. It was a gift from my aunt, and ya’ll I’m not gonna lie, at this point the tears just flowed. I was so frustrated and angry, and a big bottle of wine was sounding better and better by the minute. But, I took a shower, cooled off and went to bed looking forward to that quiet time in the morning that I knew would refresh my spirit.

Financial issues are stressful no matter what your situation, but considering we will no longer have a second income as of January, this whole situation stung that much more. One thing I have really been trying to do after surrendering my job to the Lord, is remembering to ask for His help, even in the simple things. The weather for our trip was looking awful last week, so I prayed God would keep the rain off so we could enjoy our time, and He did. I lost an envelope with $40 last week and as my mom started praying, I found it. When I lost my phone on the trip, it took me 15 minutes of losing my cool and coming to the brink of tears before I did, but I finally prayed for God’s help and instantly found it.

Dave’s work had sent out a message a month ago saying everyone was getting bonuses and a tiny raise mid December. But then we were told we weren’t getting it, the new were told we might, then we were told we wouldn’t again… So I prayed. December 15^th rolled around and God blessed us with the bonus. I thought it was to help us have some cushion since we would be losing my pay, so when all of these unexpected expenses came up this weekend, I was frustrated that it was being blown on junk we weren’t planning to buy. However, God tugged at my heart and reminded me that had we not had that money, we would have really been hurting this weekend. Because we had it, we were able to buy these things without it really sinking us financially. So though that cushion has been severely depleted, we are not in debt as a result, and that is a huge blessing in and of itself. God provided, and though I thought it was for one reason, He showed it was for another. Regardless, He provided. He cared enough to do that, even for stupid material things that aren’t a “need”.

I read a devotional this morning talking about the story of the 10 lepers that Christ healed, and the fact that only one, the non-Jew, came back praising and thanking Him. They called out to Him in their need, referred to Him as Master and Lord, and when He blessed them, they forgot to thank Him for His generosity and compassion. To quote the devotional:

“But in the mirror image, that’s just like us too. We call Him Lord and yet walk away after the miracle. He is so patient and so forgiving… God wants our gratitude. HE doesn’t need a pretty song or a polished service. He wants our repentance and will so he can retune our lives to His purity…Especially in times when we don’t get the answer we hope, we are to be grateful because He already knows our needs – His grace is sufficient.”

Gratitude. Even when things don’t go as I want or hope. He provides and answers prayer repeatedly, and I am just like the 9 other Jews who walked away from an incredible miracle. So I am choosing today to see His hand, His provision, His blessing and generosity. He is so good to me. He is so faithful, even when I act like a spoiled brat.

“I will give thanks to You, Lord, with all my heart. I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.” – Psalm 9:1

When God says "Wait and See": Saying Goodbye to a Decade of Childcare

So, several weeks ago I felt God nudging me to close the door on my daycare journey. This was the first
time I had more daycare kids than my own during the day, and even though my big kids are all at school,
5 under two has proved to be more challenging than I thought in the midst of my already crazy life.
However, as always, I swallowed my concerns and ignored that quiet whisper telling me to hand it over,
and I pushed on believing it would just get better. Well, last week I received notice from one of my
daycare parents. While it caught me off guard, I was eerily at peace about it and for the first time, well,
ever, I didn’t immediately jump into panic mode and begin searching for a replacement. That quiet
whisper started to ring in my ears once again saying, “it’s time to close this door. This season of your life
is over, you need to trust Me.” I even told Dave Friday afternoon I felt like God was telling me to let it go
NOW, before I see His plan because I felt like He was telling me to trust Him FIRST, then watch and see
what He will do. So this time, I chose to sit on it and pray. I prayed for direction and peace, I prayed for
clarity, because unless God makes it crystal clear I tend to second guess myself to death. I gave myself
until this past Monday (the 5th) to make a decision, and though by Monday I knew in my heart and gut
that I needed to let it go, I still clung to MY control over the situation. “Ok, God, I will let them know In
February, that way we can at least get our tax return back and pay off these medical bills… it makes
much more sense to wait.” I gave God a timeline, completely disregarding His call for me to let go in
Faith, not when it makes sense, but when HE says its time. In my mind I justified it believing I was in fact
listening, I was just trying to make a logical and wise decision regarding the “When”. Well, Monday night
as I was going to bed, I received a text from my other daycare parents saying they were giving their one
month notice as well. I literally laughed. Then I became angry at God for not letting me make the
decision on my own, rather I felt He ripped it from right under me. Then I was consumed with anxiety
over the finances. I knew this was Him, without a shadow of a doubt. I was 100% sure God closed those
doors because He had made it very clear this season of my life was done. So with that knowledge, I
knew I couldn’t find replacements, I needed to really trust God and His promise to provide. Why is that
so hard ya’ll?? HE proves He is faithful time and time again, and yet it took me a few hours to calm down
and fall asleep, and every time the baby woke me up last night, I was met once again with an anxious
heart. I woke up this morning and laid aside my current book so I could search the Scriptures for
encouragement. It was all over, flooding my mind and yet I still couldn’t seem to catch my breath.
God, being the amazing Father that He is, ended up allowing me a day with no daycare kiddos today.
They all called out, which is rare. And as I went on with my morning, talking with Elias, playing with the
baby, actually accomplishing some chores around the house, I realized He gave me this day off after my
news so I could taste what He was laying at my feet. I have been a mom almost 10 years and I have
provided daycare for just as long. I have never just been home with MY kids. This year has been tough as
I have been unable to attend a lot of things at school with my big kids since I have had so many littles at
home. This change means I will have the freedom to come and go as I please. I can go to lunch with my
kids whenever I want, I can go to the gym in the morning and not in the midst of my crazy evening
schedule, I can grocery shop during the day with only TWO kids and not burn up my evenings or time
with my family on the weekends, I can go see my husband at work, I can put the kids down whenever I want without a time limit, I can greet my family after school and work without being a frazzled burnt out
mess. I can simply just be a Mother and a Wife for the first time ever.
Then I started to look at the bigger picture… Why did God allow me to take on all these kids in the first
place if He was simply going to take it all away only three months later? Because He provided what we
needed to helps us finish out this year: with the sudden death of my washing machine, excessive
medical bills, car issues, Christmas, etc… yes, that stuff will inevitably always be there, but II get to
watch Him provide in other ways from now on. Why did we go through all that work to prep our house
only to end up staying? Because God wanted us to refinance and save almost $200 a month. He even
allowed us to pretty it up for not only the appraisal, but I also believe so I could simply enjoy my home
just a little bit more. (We tend to think God doesn’t care about those little things, but He does. Just as
we love to bless our children, our Father loves to bless us. ) Why did He make me give it up now and not
allow me to wait until tax time? I’m sure many reasons apply here, but I know one for sure is that my
internship starts January 16th and will go on through May. I was still struggling to figure out how I was
going to manage all of that, and He took care of it for me. I could go on and on, and some things are still
yet to be answered. However, I see His hand, I know His heart, and I trust His path for my family and I.
He is moving in big ways outside of this particular situation right now. We are stepping into 2017 with
zero sense of direction, but knowing change is coming. I can best describe it as this: rather than God
revealing the entire path and its destination, He is shining a flashlight on one stepping stone at a time,
and we are simply following His lead.
We thought 2016 was going to be our “year of change”, but oddly enough it was simply a year of
complete uncertainty and a whole lot of waiting. 2017 is already proving to be a year of change. I will
close the door on a decade of childcare, I will receive my bachelor’s degree in May after being in and out
of school for 12 years. And, once we say goodbye to sweet Spanky, we will be closing the door on foster
care as well. That is a whole other story in itself, but things never EVER go as we plan or expect. It’s one
reason I have come to despise planning for anything. One thing I know for sure is that God has a purpose
in EVERYTHING. His call for us to foster was not misheard, He absolutely led us into that ministry.
However, where we went in thinking it was going to be more of us simply serving and loving the
children, it ended up being one of the most trying, emotionally draining, and spiritually challenging
things we have ever experienced. God used it to break us and mold us in more ways than I care to
recount. And I believe He has a purpose in our future for the work He did in us during these three years
of fostering.
I went into LifeWay the other day to find a new book and absolutely NOTHING stood out. Hundreds of
books and none drew me in….except one. It is titled “Wait and See” and I remembered working through
a devotional based on it several weeks back. I grabbed it and plan to start it with my friend Christina this
week. However, this morning I went back and reread the devotional, and God led me to this:
“When our pause seems more like a wilderness, we must be determined to strengthen our faith by
trusting His timing.”
There is nothing scarier and yet more exhilarating then “Waiting” with the full assurance that we WILLget to “See” God fulfill His perfect plan. The waiting is scary, uncertain, and oh so faith building… but
when He finally reveals His plan…. All that time, all the work He did in our hearts and our minds during
the wait, oh how much more precious the gift of His perfect plan becomes. I can’t wait to See what He
has in store. I generally choose a motto at the beginning of every year….well, really God lays it on my
heart. 2017 is already being stamped with: “Wait and See”.
“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” – Psalm 27:14

Am I ok with that?

              I signed up for a class this fall for the first time in a year. It was looking like everything was going to work out perfectly, my class even ends in October and my daycare kiddos don’t start until then so the timing was perfect. The end was in sight. Two classes left and an internship and I would graduate in May. After over 10 years of working toward this degree, I was FINALLY going to be done. But, if there is one thing I can say with absolute certainty about this year…and last… its that nothing is going to be smooth. Nothing will work out as I expected it to. So whenever I get side swiped by unexpected circumstances, I don’t know why it still leaves me standing there like a broken and lost puppy.

                I apparently broke enrollment by taking a year off, so I was told to re-apply. What I was not told is that this would now put me on the current year’s degree completion plan… and with that, my class load tripled. I now am looking at 6 more classes and an internship, rather than two. I wanted to cry at this news, but we had family over and I had to push it all back inside and wait for a moment… a moment that never came. Last night was spent waking up far too often with babies, and this morning I missed the alarm so I only got about 15 minutes of quiet time before my kids started rolling in. I attempted to go back after breakfast and read more, but they won’t have it. So, the tears are sitting behind my eyelids waiting to burst out at the next “opportune time”. In the meantime, I found myself venting to God in my head this morning. The reason I stepped away from school last year was to focus all my energy and attention on my family. I was worn down and overloaded so I listened to God’s call on my heart to take a step back and let go of the “extras” that were wearing me out so I could give my family what they needed. So, I was admittedly angry with God this morning as I felt I was being “screwed over” for walking in obedience. We know that’s not how He works. I KNOW there is a reason, and hey, they could accept my appeal and let me go back to my original degree completion plan with no issues. However, though that is my hope, I couldn’t help but feel God saying one thing in response to all my whining and complaining… “But if they don’t, if you have to take those four extra classes, will you be ok with that?” This is the theme lately. “If the house doesn’t sell and you have to stay there longer, will you be ok with that?” “If Lynchburg is where I want you to be, are you ok with that?” “If I don’t want you to do foster care for a while, will you be ok with that?” “If this is your last baby, are you ok with that?” “If all you want is not what I want for you right now, ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?” – (insert my post yesterday about feeling like the pieces of my life are all scattered up in the air and I am waiting down here with no real sense of direction or answers to my many MANY questions. )

              Am I ok with that… with any of it… I think all of that comes down to how much I trust my life in the hands of the Almighty. My response this morning was yes God, if this is what you want and that is the outcome that plays out, I will be ok with that. I won’t like it, but I will trust You. The thought of it made my heart hurt and my stomach drop, but I have to ask myself if I really believe in the promises of God’s word. Then this morning, even though I had so little time in the Word, God gave me this perfect nugget of truth to comfort me today:

“How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears you, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more. With your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying: “This is the way; walk in it.” – Isaiah 30: 19-22

Lysa Terkeurst added: “If we want His direction for our decisions, the great cravings of our souls must not only be the big moments of assignments. They must also be the seemingly small instructions in the most ordinary of moments when God points His Spirit finger saying, “Go there”.

          Ok God, I’ll go there. I don’t get it, it kinda sucks, but I trust You. However this pans out, whatever tomorrow looks like, I trust You. <3 

The Ugly Mom

"When our lives show our humanity, it gives to others the beautiful and much needed permission to be human themselves." - Kim Crandall

It's been a rough few months. Exhausting, discouraging, uncertain, and frustrating to say the least. So, of course, blow ups and break downs are far more likely to occur. Yesterday was one of those REALLY rough days. The baby wouldn't stop fussing, I tried to get the house back in order with 8 kids in tow and it was a futile effort. The bickering, the questioning, the tattling, the NEEDING. By 4:00 I was walking around like a zombie, completely unaware and unmoved by anything and everything going on around me, bouncing the baby as I stared at the mounds of laundry I'd been trying two attack for to hours to no avail.

Then my kids come running in the room saying," MOM! Kyleigh broke the baby gate! she broke it right out of the wall, look! here's the piece!" I then proceed to ask how this happened, to which they replied, "We were trying to get the mattress up the stairs so we could slide down and it broke it!" Now, don't get me wrong... I am a relaxed mom and mattress sliding down the stairs would normally be totally acceptable, BUT, our staircase is very narrow and not quite long enough. We learned early on that it just wasn't doable so I told the kids (more than once) not to do it anymore. I say this to explain my reaction just a little better (not that it justifies it).

I turned to look at them, stared at them with the look of complete disappointment and anger and said, " Well thanks guys. Thanks so much. Because once again you broke something that I don't have the money to replace. Just add that to the list! You know, the ever growing one of lost shoes, broken cabinets and doors, the fan I can't replace, and everything else in the dang house. Go ahead, go on and break the rest of our crap, you're going to anyways! Go, get out of here." - Yep, that happened. Shamefully so. My poor kids looked so crushed, their little spirits deflated right in front of me. The all immediately apologized, several times, to which I replied with a very hard and unconvincing, "It's FINE!" All but Landon walked away. None of them can handle when mommy is upset, especially when its with them. They immediately try to fix it. Landon kept saying, "I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry. Can I help you? Can i cook dinner?" Kyleigh went off to plan a way to lift my spirits, and Hayden took Elias outside to write "Happy Anniversary" in the dirt for me (its not our anniversary, but to her, this was a special way to aplogize ;) ). I broke down at the stove as the guilt slowly suffocated me.

What a crappy mom I am. Who does that? Who purposely guilts their kids like that? It's not their fault everything is so rough right now. It's not their fault finances are tight or that the baby is fussy and making me lose my mind. And they are just kids, why on earth do I hold them to such high expectations? Well, because I clearly suck as a mother and human being all together, obviously.

You want to know how else I suck? I am so prideful that apologies are far and few from my mouth. I generally feel justified in my reactions, and it takes a lot of me to say I'm sorry. (this is true in my marriage, and my poor husband has patiently endured this for 12 years). And even when I do force an apology out its like I just shot myself in the gut. It hurts. I absolutely hate it. And quite honestly, I only half heartedly mean it most of the time.

My book recently pointed out that the key to overcoming this "mom guilt" is to live in the gospel daily. We always attempt to "try harder" and "do better".I don't know about all of you, but this rarely ever goes well for me. I just continue to fail and fall short. So her challenge? To LIVE in the gospel daily. We are forgiven already. We are covered in grace. My blow ups, shortcomings and ugly words are nailed to the cross. Its done. And not only has Christ already forgiven me, but my kids never fail to cover me in forgiveness as well.

I turned to them all when they came back in, and, with oh so much effort, I forced myself to show humility and apologized to my kids for my reaction. Kyleigh immediately said, "NO MOM! you don't need to be sorry! we were the ones that were wrong." (ugh, ouch) I replied, " No, even if what you guys did was wrong, mommy was wrong in how she reacted, and I am sorry." D.J. quickly came back with the words, "its ok mommy, I forgive you." My skin crawled at the words. My pride shot through the roof and I had to fight it back. My flesh said, "YOU forgive ME?!" Its in the moments where you realize just how ugly we are, and how desperately we need Christ's forgiveness and grace. I hope the more I force this, the more God works, the easier this apology and humility thing gets, because its just another thing I "suck at".

My daughter went out with her daddy last night and came home with three things: Trash bags, a huge chocolate bar, and two boxes of bacon. She bought them for me. I needed trash bags, I love chocolate, and though the bacon was "for everyone" I do believe she had ulterior motives there LOL. She bought them with the very money she spent the past two days earning. I argued with her telling her I didn't want her to use her money, but she stubbornly insisted. I was humbled. Even after being a crappy mom and making her feel small and hurt earlier in the day, she showed me grace. I adore my kids. They drive me crazy, but they are amazing, and some of the best examples of Christ's love in my life. I share this to encourage anyone else who feels like an awful mom. You aren't alone. And its because of those very ugly moments that Christ died for us. So we could live in His finished work, in His freedom, and rest in His strength, even on the worst of days.

"In my self -focused pursuit to prove myself worthy, I had forgotten about GOd's sovereignty and His perfect plan for our family: he gives us the exact children he wants us to have for our joy as well as our growth. He also gives our kids exactly the mothers they need; he uses our strengths AND our weaknesses to help them grow. When I measure myself against God's law, I am indeed a bad mom, and my need drives me to depend fully on Christ as my hope and strength. As mothers, we can't ever be enough for our children. Only Christ can meet their every need perfectly. Our hope as mothers should be in Him an His redeeming work, not our own work. Praise the Lord for the fact that we can do that!" - Kim Crandall

The "Mom" Verse

This verse spoke right to my heart this morning. WHERE has it been the past 9 years?! Why on earth have I never paid any attention to it until now? I have read Isaiah several times, but for some reason this never stuck out to me until now yet somehow I missed this amazing source of encouragement:

“He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms, and carries them close to His heart; HE GENTLY LEADS THOSE THAT HAVE YOUNG.” – Isaiah 40:11

Recently, my study group and I have decided to practice the “SOAP” method of studying scripture that was taught at a conference our church held a few weeks back. S – Scripture, O – observation, A – Application, P – prayer. It has been AMAZING so far. I LOVE breaking apart each verse and discovering how other versions word it and what many of the words actually mean. It brings about so much more depth and meaning to God’s Word when we actually STUDY and MEDITATE on it.

This is what I came up with during my study of this particular verse today, I am just in awe of God’s love and care for His “flock”, and that He singled out us mama’s specifically to remind us that we are not in this alone. I love the New Living Translation’s version of the last sentence: “HE will gently lead the mother sheep with their young”.  If you work through the meaning of the words I pulled out, it is just beautiful. 

I don’t know the original intent of this verse, I am no theologian and I’m sure as heck not Isaiah or God, BUT, this is what the Sprit spoke to my heart through it. God has NOT left us mothers on our own. HE is literally carrying us, gently and lovingly guiding our steps as we navigate this terrifying role of motherhood. He is leading us, having already gone before us in advance, directing our course, guiding our way. He is “bearing the major portion of our responsibility”. While “holding us close to His heart” the ENTIRE time. He is “standing in readiness to prevent mischance”. And one of the most beautiful parts of all, He is gathering us mothers, TOGETHER, from all over, all walks of life, with all our differences and making us ONE with Him, as we move forward each day. Absolutely amazing. <3 I hope this encourages you fellow mamas out there as much as it did me. 

We choose our reactions, our circumstances don't cause them.

I find myself continually opening up this book I recently finished, searching for little snippets to keep me encouraged throughout the day. I feel like many of us read something encouraging or even just simply find random motivation to “do better” and “try harder” each day, but it is so quickly snuffed out by the presence of failure that we go right back to our negative cycles, never finding our way out. This is me…For the past 9 years. I feel like I am always trying to overcome my tendency as a mother to get annoyed and flustered when the continual mishaps, messes, and interruptions ruin yet again another day.  I feel like I am always treading water, desperately searching for the joy I so desperately desire. I often look around me and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. “WHY is this so hard? Why do they annoy me so bad? Why am I so desperate for them to leave me alone more often than I want them to be around me?” I have read several books on the topic of motherhood/parenting, and this one was no different when it came to the heart of the problem. The problem is NOT my kids. The problem is NOT my circumstances. Sure, it would be much easier to be joyful if my kids would be perfect little obedient and peaceful angels, but that in no way describes a child. And sure, my  mood would be much better if my house stayed cleaner, I had more help, my back didn’t ache, I wasn’t so tired, our finances weren’t so tight, etc. etc. etc. We could all list a million reasons we have to be grumpy and short fused. But the reality of it is, it all comes down to ME. I am the one in charge of how I respond to the circumstances and people around me. I cannot change them. The only thing I have control over is how I deal with them. And truth be told, the reason they all annoy and frustrate me so much is because, well, they are interrupting MY plans, MY day, MY desires. Me Me Me… The root of my problem is selfishness. I love the authors take on our daily “interruptions”:

“There will always be interruptions and obstacles to accomplishing our dreams. You know what? They are blessings! If life was a steady flow of unobstructed pathways, how would we ever learn or grow, or understand the depth of the beauty that surrounds us? There is great value in having to learn to jump a hurdle or move a huge block out of the way.” – Lisa Pennington

Lisa, the author of the book, further encourages her readers to pause in the midst of those interruptions, breathe, pray, and try to not only realize its NOT REALLY that big of a deal, but also to bring humor to the situation, because laughing ALWAYS, without fail, brings joy to a situation.

Now, I was a little skeptical of this advice at first because, well, I know most if not all of you have days like me where it feels like a domino effect and everything that CAN go wrong, DOES go wrong. To try and muster up humor and keep myself from becoming crazy hulk mom again seems utterly impossible. But, this lady has 9 kids and has home schooled them all so I figured it was worth a shot to at least give her advice a try.

So today, my normally very stressful morning of breakfast/lunch prep, getting the kids ready to head to school and trying to bathe and prep the littles because we had to be at Spanky’s visit by 9, went exactly as it always does…except, it was enjoyable. I randomly broke out into song over something that would have normally had me screeching at a child. Singing and some added belly shaking as I tried to imply that the baby was enjoying my solo even if the other 5 were staring at me liked I’d fallen of the crazy wagon. ( No joke, 5 sets of eyes, all in dead stare as I shake and sing around the kitchen, though Elias tried to give me a pity dance in support). Then, we did devotions for the first time in weeks together…. Five minutes before we had to be at the bus stop, but I let go of how I THOUGHT it should go and just let it happen is it could. We discussed it briefly, pointed out the key points and ran (or hobbled in my case) to the bus stop. I randomly called out every 30 seconds with a pathetic “Ima comin!!  Have a great day if you leave before I get there! I’ll still be here!” All three kids were laughing, and sweet DJ even attempted to come back and help me. Then we prayed together, on the corner of our street right before the bus came. Precious.

I came back, finished getting the kids ready and rather than become irritated with their lack of follow through to my initial requests, I tried to make it fun. I made everything a race. Getting dressed, cleaning up their place at the table, getting shoes on, and even getting in the car and buckling. It made it fun, and wouldn’t ya know, it made it all happen efficiently. ;)  Now… here is where Satan really tried to “ruffle my feathers”. Let me yet again quote Lisa before I continue:

“Getting into the van may not look like you thought it should, but that doesn’t mean its wrong. It can be filled with joy.”

Says the woman of 9 children, who absolutely can relate to my frustrations this morning. We were already cutting  it close to getting to the visit on time, and as I go to strap Charlie in, I realize someone had completely undone her car seat. Ugh. So I had to buckle it back in with her in the seat, which is twice has difficult. Then, where SPanky or Hayden usually help me buckle Gabriel in the back, the buckle was of course twisted this morning and they couldn’t get it. Great. Bum knee, fat belly, sure, let me climb to the back and fix the stupid buckle. I painfully did so and crawled up to my own seat. I then kept telling myself to NOT forget to stop in Kroger to pick up flowers for birth mom… I said it like 3 times ya’ll… but wouldn’t ya know, I went into mommy la la land one minute before passing Kroger and completely forgot to turn. So I had to find a place to turn around… a mile up the road, and get back there asap, while still being on an ever decreasing time limit. We finally get downtown, with minutes to spare, only to sit there for another 10 minutes because birth mom was late. 10 minutes in a stationary car with 5 kids under 4…no Bueno. But alas, what would have normally derailed my day, ended up going smoothly and without the typical frustration, anger, and yelling. Simply because I paused, remembered its NOT that big of a deal if we are late, and we started singing and being silly on the way there, bringing the mood and atmosphere back to a more joyful level. When we got there, rather than barking at them to stay seated, which of course would be EASIER, I allowed them to unbuckle and freely move in the car while we waited.

Later on, I had a messy house. Rather than be overwhelmed and attempt to kick them all outside (fighting them every five minutes to GET OUT OF MY WAY AND OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!) I chose one thing to focus on, the dishes, told them to play for a bit outside until lunch, and watched them through the window as I worked. It was not without interruptions, but I listened, answered, and joked with them the whole time, making it much more bearable. Then, I forced myself to really stop after the dishes wer done and to take a few minutes, despite the fifty things screaming at me that needed to be done, and I played three games with them outside, resting my leg while I was at it. Two birds, one stone. They had an absolute blast, so much so that Spanky came up and hugged me and told me he loved me at least 5 times throughout the games. Just because I was spending time with them… ENJOYING them. It meant the world to them, and I have to admit, it brought my own mood and heart up to a level I haven’t seen mid day in a long time. ;)

I then excused myself, returned to finish a few duties before it was time to tuck them all in. The normal resistance that would occur because of nap time was avoided because I promised a story if they quickly got ready for naps. Then, I allowed the tickle monster to join us and chased them each to their beds, complete with a belly feast and burrito baby finish. They went down like angels.

Naptime was heavenly. I propped my leg, which has been quite irritating lately, but rather than get annoyed, I ate, chilled and regrouped before heading back to put the house back together. I folded the mounds of laundry that normally overwhelm and frustrate me, and used it as an opportunity to pray for the what seems like endless prayer requests that I am aware of. I spent time talking to God, in the quiet of my day, rather than becoming so wrapped up with the to-do’s and frustrations of the day, the things that normally keep my eyes in front of me rather than above me.

This has been by far one of the BEST days I’ve had in a while, and the only thing that changed was my attitude and perspective. My kids were still doing the same things they always do, my house was just as messy, my to-do list just as long, and my leg and back are in just as much pain, but I chose to make the most of every moment, adding humor and fun rather than succumbing to the growing feelings of frustration because things were going the way “I wanted them to”. I realize this is long, but I share it because I know that I am not alone in this struggle. It seems to be plaguing just about everyone I know, parent or not.

Lisa states, “Every time our expectations get derailed ,we have a choice. To move forward with joy or to go into a fuss and get mad. We can fight what God wants us to learn from the changes, or we can give over to peace that, not to be cliché, passes understanding. We can be controlled by our immediate reaction, or we can stop and give it thought and purpose.”

Though every day we can look around us and see SO MANY THINGS that are wrong with our lives, I assure you, that if we choose to rather look around and see the MILLIONS of things that surround us that are beautiful and good, we will already have a completely different attitude. Like anything else, it takes time to change. Tomorrow I will probably fail, but my hope is that rather than give up and fall back into my normal, negative, grumpy and joyless cycle, I will simply let the moment (or day) pass, embrace the grace that I have already been given, and try again. With God ALL THINGS are possible. I want to enjoy this beautiful life He has given me,  and that is absolutely possible if I just let go of myself and embrace what’s in front of me. <3

My Storm and all its Ugly...

Music is my soul medicine. I know not everyone feels that way, but many of you can relate to how it just speaks to the depths of you. God always seems to send just the right song at just the right time too, often times penetrating my heart and literally splitting it in two. Today, as I am in the depths of my current valley, the darkest place in my storm, I started making a cup of coffee and this song came on. My eyes welled up, my heart broke open, and I sat down and just cried the words out to God.

"Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all. When the mountain looks so big, and my faith just seems so small. So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shakin' like a leaf, You have been king of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace."

 Yes, at a time when my heart cannot possibly take anymore, when I feel so broken and my emotions are so mixed up that I have no idea what to feel, all I can cry out is Hold me Jesus… Be my Prince of Peace. God has been working in my life fervently this past year. I have learned so much, felt so much, and grown so much. Because of that, I knew something was coming. When I read through the book Fervent, after finishing up Screw Tape Letters, both discussing the hand of Satan in our lives, I knew it was only a matter of time before my life would be turned upside down. I didn’t know what, but I was certain it was coming. And now, here I sit, in the midst of the well anticipated storm, utterly shattered and trying to find my way out. It is the most ugly and yet beautiful thing to experience utter defeat and humility. The hard times really do force us on our knees. Its like our bodies cannot even bare to stand on two feet, with trembling knees we feel the urge to fall flat our faces and seek God’s face, His presence, His peace, His assurance, when all else in our lives doesn’t seem to make sense. Its when all those things we preach during the “good times” are truly tested, and we see just how strong, or weak, our faith really is. I have seen so much ugly in myself, so much immaturity. His light shines in the darkness and reveals all the dirt. A few weeks ago I wrote down several of God’s promises: His promises about loving me, his faithfulness, His deliverance, that He hears me and will provide the desires of my heart, etc… This weekend, in the pit of my ugly, I read over them again and wanted to throw the book against the wall. I looked up and just asked,” where are you? Really? You say all this and yet I see none of it right now. Where is this peace you promise? I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel your presence. I feel angry and defeated and without hope in this situation. What do you want from me?” If you’ve ever had those moments, then you may also resonate with the inner fear that comes with questioning the Almighty God. As the words came out of my mouth I sat there and prayed further for Him to forgive me and not rain hell over me for my lack of respect and faith. (Not that He does that, He is ever so patient and loving, it never fails to amaze me). I still have no answers. I have no real purpose in sharing this except to simply show that despite how things appear, we are all battling something.

 Life is so hard. Even those of us who try desperately to spread hope and encouragement are gurgling the water as we try not to drown in our brokenness and despair. Despite my questions. Despite my lack of peace at this very moment, I still know my God is good. He is here. He is working. I don’t understand it, His ways are not mine, His thoughts are greater, His plans so much bigger. I wish I could rest in that as easy as I can say it. But one day at a time, I seek Him, I cry out to Him, I pour out my heart and I wait.

 I read the other day something that literally rocked me, if I can sound like a hipster Christian for a minute. Timothy Keller pointed out that, “We humans may say, “Let there be light in this room, but then we have to flick on a switch or light a candle. Our words need deeds to back them up and can fail to achieve their purposes. God’s words, however, cannot fail their purposes because, for God, speaking and acting are the same thing. The God of the Bible is a God who “by his very nature acts through speaking”. When the Bible talks of God’s Word, then, it is talking of God’s active presence in the world.” Isaiah 55:11 says, “So is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it”. With that, rather than throw the book with all those beautiful promises written out, I sit here, soak up and meditate on every word and attempt to rest in them. Because they aren’t just words, they aren’t just promises, they simply ARE.

 “You have kept count of my tossings; put all my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?... This I know, that God is for me.” Psalm 56:8-9

“But the Lord is with me, like a mighty warrior.” – Jeremiah 17:7

“He will restore me, he will make me strong, firm and steadfast.” – 1 Peter 5:10

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you WILL SEE the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.” – Exodus 14:13-14

“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him... Do not fret, it only causes harm.” Psalm 37:7-8

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust…” Psalm 40:8

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” – Psalm 40:1-2

Snow days, disabilities, crazy mom and unconditional love...

After six days home with the kids, and now going into the 7th, I'm going a little crazy being off a normal routine. It really hasn't been THAT bad, but apart from the normal chaos that exists within such a large family (plus daycare kiddos), adding the pregnancy and its hormones as well as being couped up with two special needs boys, I'm struggling not to lose my cool at this point. God is funny with that though, He never lets me get away with it. On one of the more "ugly" days this week, I randomly pulled a book off my shelf and opened it up. I have no idea why, I was literally in a daze and just trying to focus on anything besides the crazy juice that was getting ready to burst out of my skin. I opened it up to a random page and this is what was highlighted,

"My child does not cause me to be the way I am but rather reveals the way I am. Therefore, when my response is sinful, I must own up to this as my issue...

Our kids to not cause us to sin but reveal our sinful choices. Unconditional love means there is no condition (circumstance or characteristic) that forces us to be harsh, even hateful, toward our children. Jesus taught: " For from within, out of the heart" come our sinful choices, which He lists in great number (Mark 7:21). Our children's disobedience or disrespect does not cause us to react in unloving ways. Our reaction comes from within."

Ouch. Hello ugly, sinful, selfish me. Not my kids. Me. I have said on numerous occasions that parenting is one of God's greatest tools for refinement. He teaches us, breaks us, molds us, stretches us and forces us into corners where we have no choice but to look up and hold tight to the faith we profess.

Landon and Spanky are my greatest "refining fires" right now. Landon's issues are known, and I have mentioned how difficult he can be on his days off, with a lack of structure and routine. Add to that this little boy who, though we have yet to name a specific diagnosis yet, has definite special needs and is developmentally delayed because of his history. Its one thing to be in the dark, navigating the world of autism, and learning to demonstrate patience and love in the midst of some of the most annoying and trying situations I have ever been in. But let’s add to that a little boy who at age 4, often times acts like a 2 year old, both mentally and emotionally, and who cognitively struggles to critically think, often leaving us scratching our heads at the statements and questions he poses. He is the sweetest kid, we love him, and he has a beautiful personality, but like Landon, the sweet side is often overrun by the annoyances and frustrations that frequently occur as a result of their disabilities. With Landon at least I now know WHAT I am working with and I have avenues and places to go for advice and direction. With Spanky we are still trying to figure out what his specific issues are, and that makes it even more difficult to show patience when you are literally at your wits end most days with little advice to go on.  

With that said, being home for 6 days with not only these two kiddos but the 4 + others: along with the sopping wet floors, the piles of wet snow clothes that I have helped put on and take off more times than I can count, the mounds of laundry and dishes, the constant fighting, the over exhaustion that leads to endless and unmerited tears, the spills, the messes, the chaos… simply put, the life that comes with one big crazy family…let’s just say what is “coming forth from my heart” has not been pretty. It’s humbling and at times very discouraging, however I am thankful for a God who doesn’t leave me as I am nor leave me alone in my attempt to overcome these shortcomings. He not only reveals the sin, but showers me with His promises every morning when I take the time to seek Him. He has placed each one of these kids in my life, special needs and all, and because I know nothing with Him is by accident or without purpose, I know He will provide me with just what I need to see it through, one day at a time. AND, if I let Him, He will thus pour into these beautiful kids through me, each with their own unique situation and rise them up to be the amazing people He has created them to be. Here’s to one more day of learning to love unconditionally...and Lord willing "penciling in" a shower. Thank goodness I have a perfect role model to look up to. <3 

2015 - What.A.Ride.

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and attempt to sum up my take on 2015 for me personally, in as few words as possible because this has been a heck of a year for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It is no surprise that the final two books I have read in the year 2015 were The End of Me by Kyle Idleman and I am currently finishing up Jen Hatmaker's book "Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity". I thrive on reading, it feeds me in every way possible. God has used amazing authors (apart from His Word) to fill me, fuel me, and completely turn my life upside down. I am more than half way through Hatmaker's book and I feel like I am reading my own words to describe God's work in my life this year. She labeled her own journey as the "descent down". While society tells us we are supposed to make our way to the top, to be successful, to strive for better and greater, Jesus calls His people to live in complete opposition to the cultural norm. And He has spent the last year (well, much longer, but this year was a large piece of the puzzle) bringing me to the bottom, to the end of "myself"; my pride, selfish ambitions, and my comfortable Christianity so that I have no other option but to rely completely on Him and discover the amazing life He has waiting for me if I'd simply let go of all that holds me back. I'm nowhere NEAR the end of this journey: it is life long and only beginning for me, but I am thankful for the many ways He has broken me these last 12 months. One statement that I continue to chew on from Jen’s book is this: “Mercy has a cost: someone must be broken for someone else to be fed”. Kyle Idleman adds that, “brokenness is the way to wholeness…if you’re going to live, you’re going to lose”. I have prayed for years to experience Him more intimately, and I am learning that that can only happen when I come to the end of myself, when we reach those valleys and the only thing we are left with is our ability to call out to our Lord and seek His face, His help, His strength, and simply just HIM. There is nothing more frustrating nor more terrifying than having all control slowly ripped from your hands, left completely dazed and clueless, but, “there is much value in the struggle” (Interrupted, p. 31).  I know He is working something out in my life, in OUR lives. I think 2015 was a year of brokenness and releasing control, and in turn, I believe 2016 is going to be a year of much change for my family and I. What that will look like, I have no idea, but I am learning to trust despite the uncertainty, fear, and unknown, because the One I am trusting in has proven to be completely faithful and His way is so much greater than anything I could ever choose on my own. I’m terrified but elated. Anxious but eager. Exhausted but full of peace. I can’t wait to see where He takes us. As Jen Hatmaker stated, “God does not change, but He uses change to change us. He sends us on journeys that bring us to the end of ourselves. We often feel out of control, yet if we embrace His leading, we may find ourselves on the ride of our lives”. I share this stuff with you all because I do not believe God wants us to keep our journeys stuffed under a rug, tucked away in the dark corners of our hearts. We are called to let Him shine through us. As I learn, as I grow, as I fall flat on my face, I share it in hopes that somehow He will receive the glory He is due in the midst of it all. If you watch and see my many slip ups, my many mistakes and the utter stupidity that I let slip through far too often, may you see His grace and work cover it all regardless of myself. Here’s to a New Year sweet family and friends, whatever it has in store, I have no doubt it will be one heck of a ride. ;)

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.” – Jeremiah 17:7